"Helloooo, anyone home?"
Petrus did not recognize that voice. He was still groggy from his short 'coma', so he could not get up so easily. Though, he was awake.
He was conscious now; he knew what was going on around him... somewhat. "Helloooo?"
There was that voice again, "Who is that?" As if to answer him, another voice popped up. Huskier, less... clogged up at the throat than the other one.
"Snail, stop messing around, we're gonna be late." "Another voice?" He questioned.
"Sorry Snips, guess we'll catch him later."
Petrus groaned, gaining both of their attention and opened his eyes for what felt like the first time... "Who... Where am I?"
"Well, it ain't a talent play," said the husky one.
The other guy snickered at that. Petrus felt confused until he saw his clothing compared to theirs. He was dressed head to toe in a trench coat, military boots and a visor cap, a symbol of his rank in the military... they looked like ordinary civilians.
Particularly dated civilians, all things considered... he could have sworn their style of fashion had been gone for a century. "Sorry, misters, I had been going someplace before getting lost and..." he drifted off, not sure how to explain the rest, "stuff."
"Eh, it's cool."
"Yeah, cool!"
Petrus could already tell that the husky voiced one was the brains behind this duo. Though, anyone could get that dopey sounding kid to parrot their points - competition was just light, luckily for the husky one.
"Name's Snips, this is Snails. We're Snips and Snails," they did a weird pose together - clearly choreographed for moments like this. "You're at Canterlot High, you come to this school? I don't remember ever seeing you around."
"I'm just confused," he quickly blurted out without thinking... It was like his self-assuredness had disappeared in a microsecond. He was acting like his twitchy, unsure, teenage self.
"Really confused." He then put on a sheepish smile, though it felt strange, like he was not used to the shape of his own mouth. "Guess I'm a bit overdressed, ain't I?"
"Ah, it's fine señor fancy pants. Me and Snails are going to math now, wanna tag along, we'll give you a short tour and leave you with 'Ms. Shimmer'," he snickered, feeling proud of himself for using Petrus' overly well-mannered expression.
"She's in charge of student orientation."
"Always has been," replied Snails.
That elicited a smirk from Snips, understanding the Internet reference. Petrus, on the other hand, could not understand for the life of him. Though, "Like momma always said," when confused just be polite. Politeness opens doors better than know-how.
"Thanks misters," he paused. "Mr. Snips and Mr. Snails."
"Lol dude, you don't gotta call us that, we're hardly older than you."
That last phrase freaked him out. "Pardon me?"
"Look, you don't need to act all poised and stuff guy, it's cool. We're cool."
"So cool!"
Snail's parroting did nothing to cement Snips' point. Things were not cool. Petrus had to get away. "Can you two lead me to a bathroom, please? I'm feelin' nature's calling."
They obliged, none the wiser to his dilemma. After he entered the boy’s bathroom, he stared at the mirror with abject horror.
This was not Petrus Sant Romain Suner. This thing staring back at him may have worn the same trench coat, visor cap, boots, gloves... "Wait, that is me!"
It still could not be him. No, he never had reddish brown skin. His hair was not... dyed dark blue. He was a military man; dyed hair was not permitted.
What scared him the most was the eyes. He never had green eyes. His eyes were black with a tinge of brown on the side, just like his momma and papa's eyes. Never green... no one was green.
"God Almighty, help me!" He quickly ordered his nano-machines to life. They were slow to react - apparently, they drained most of their power reserves for something earlier. "Maybe that had to do with the freaky shit to happen to me."
He ordered a scanning of his body. It would take a while, the bots warned... And frankly, he did not feel like waiting. He wanted to run the hell out of here, run away from himself and then some. "How did this even happen," he asked no one in particular.
He needed to jog his memory... It hurt, but snippets were coming back. Maybe the nano-machines were still working to fully repair his brain. He could still remember the painful brain trauma he suffered.
He left the bathroom, being greeted by another strangely colored person... which now that he thought about it, seemed to be the norm around here. Everyone was strangely colored. Like it was some children's cartoon show. Why?
"Hey there new kid, you took a while back there, everything okay?"
The inquiry broke his train of thought. "Uh, yes ma'am," he quickly backtracked, "I mean miss, uh..." He was already losing it.
All his years of training felt behind him, like these alien, teenage lips were not at all used to the words or verbal tics he had incorporated into his speech for the last thirty-five years. Then he felt very self-conscious.
He figured out why soon, as he had just noticed that this woman towered over him... Granted, not by much more than maybe half an inch, he reckoned, but damn, she was tall. It was making him nervous...
Why? Because tall girls are mean? Scary? Pretty or something? "Oh God." He was reverting back to the same nervous ticks and behavior he had when he was a developing teen.
He would get stuttered up in front of girls, be terrified, mortified, but captivated by the taller, prettier girls, want to fit in and try not to cause a scene with his fellow peers and dudes, rather than stand out for who he knew he was. This was concerning, to say the least.
She giggled at his verbal slip up, stealing him from his thoughts and reminding him that no more than three seconds could have passed in that moment. "Felt like an eternity..."
It always was, when he was in front of pretty, tall girls. It always was... "Uhm, sorry miss, ma'am, I don't know what to call you."
"Just Sunset will do, 'sir'," she gave a mock salute to him, already melting away his worries.
"She seems cool. I just gotta play cool." That much made sense to the body dysphoric Petrus.
"Sure thing, Miss Sunset." He smiled. "Are you by any chance named Sunset Shimmer?"
"Why yes I am, Snips and Snails told you about me?"
"Indeed."
"Did they say much?"
Petrus shrugged, starting to feel more at home in this form. "You're in charge of showing the newbies around here how things work."
"Good to see you're all up to speed, 'private'," she hand-signed air quotations before laughing at her own joke.
It was funny, not that funny, but funny... and a pretty girl said it, so nervous instinct demanded that he laugh along to flatter her. A part of him, tucked far away from the helm, felt horrified at his sudden transformation from seasoned military man to a cringe inducing idiot.
"Right," she stopped laughing, him quickly doing the same. "Right, though you seem a little... overdressed for a private, don't-cha think?"
He looked down for a second time today. He had to agree with her, no private (or student) would wear a trench coat or gloves. It took him a couple of moments to look up and give a response, but he felt after sufficient trialing in his head that it was a good comeback.
"Then call me lieutenant, Ms. Shimmer." He smiled a boyish grin, trying to build up some faux confidence to get him by this horrifying and awkward situation.
That seemed to amuse her, though, she rolled her eyes rather than laughing. "C'mon, I'll show ya around. Oh say, what's your name? Snips and Snails didn't tell me."
"I didn't tell'em either." For some reason, he felt hesitant to share his name. Everyone's naming conventions here seemed kiddy and his came straight out of Middle Latin, hundreds of millennia back into human history.
Then again, it was not like he had any better names to call himself. "Name's Petrus."
"Petrus?" They were both walking now, strolling by the corridor.
"Yeah, Petrus. My parents loved Latin names; I'm guessing yours loved the sun?"
She gave a light smirk at that. "You could say that."
-----
"Where am I?"
...
"Where, am I?"
...
"I think I have English understood." The Creeper had been held up in the school's library, studying English vernacular.
Apparently, during the transformation, it had somehow already gotten for itself some rather basic English skills... but it was not at all used to all the smaller quirks or slang. It needed to adapt if it were to survive and thrive in this place.
No one seemed to notice it. Then again, they all seemed more preoccupied with their short, all-so-important, self-centered lives... being a human - humanoid, more of - was a nightmare.
No greater consciousness to subsume responsibility, thought and process… such a curse. This free will business was complicated. How was the Creeper supposed to know how to benefit its collective self than its single self without a hive mentality? Humans were an enigma.
"And one that should be eliminated." He quickly changed to a book on psychology and another on social skills and interaction. It needed to learn. To understand. To collect. Absorb knowledge.
Absorb the knowledge, simplify the knowledge into electrical signals and data sets in the brain. Just like absorbing a building and simplifying its individual molecules into atoms and joining them with the greater Creeper.
Still nothing like the original process, but it was good enough.
-----
"I got it now."
"Got what," asked Snails, sounding no more confused than he has always sounded... for probably ever.
"My, um, pen. I got my pen."
"Oh, ok," Snails did not bother to look up or down.
Petrus sighed in relief. He was eating lunch in the school cafeteria, somehow managing to get by high school life... again without getting noticed by either the authorities or faculty for not actually being a part of the school.
Enforcement must be underfunded, he had reckoned. While eating lunch, he had figured out what it was that had got him to where he was...
Why he looked like a children's cartoon character. Why the kids here had weird names and what happened.
After finishing up a full body scan, his nano-machines had assured him that he had the hormonal activity and development capacity of a 13-to-16-year-old kid. Though, judging from his height, he was probably about as tall as he was when he was 14.
Once that was cleared up, they focused entirely on fixing his brain and getting back his memories. Sometime after a mostly - yeah, 'mostly' - painless session of brain jolts from his bots, he figured out what had been going on.
He was on a starship. One that got invaded by Creeper spores in Rift Space. It breached into the engine, threatened to tear the ship out of space-time and into God only knows where before he went down to fix the ship and destroy the Creeper.
He failed, he recalled. The core exploded. Rift Space collapsed all around the starship, but since he was at the epicenter of the explosion, he rippled through space-time with the Creeper blob that he was fighting, cycling through all kinds of different reality states and everything...
Then he came out here. Somehow became this thing and now he had no idea what was going on. "I need to get back."
Reverse the effects of the interdimensional travel and get out of this children's cartoon of a universe. Return to the war front.
He took another bite out of his burger. It was disgusting and sloppy... but he knew he would finish it nevertheless. At least some military training held on to him. Never again would Petrus hope to ever return to the days of picky eating and angry parents.
"Ugh, this burger tastes like dog barf."
"Yeah, dog barf!"
Petrus rolled his eyes at Snips' complaints. Though he agreed with his statement, the principle remained - enjoy what you have been given and pray that it will not be taken. "It ain't half bad, Snips."
Snips raised an eyebrow at him. "For an art school dropout, you don't seem to have the tongue of a cultured actor."
"Yeah, culture."
Snails then quit from mimicking Snips for a moment. Just to ask Petrus, "Why did you wear that anyway? You look like you came out of a war play."
"Yeah, a war play."
That stunned Petrus. He had not known that the two could switch over the role of supporting parrot... "Maybe there's more to the dynamic than I thought."
"Heh, now that you mention it, there's a funny story behind that. See, I actua-"
"Hey there, 'lieutenant'. How goes the mess hall food?"
That surprised Petrus. Fortunately, he composed himself quick, "Wet and sloppy. Just the way I like it," he munched a second bite, as if to emphasize his point.
"Ugh," Sunset replied, though clearly in good faith. "Glad to see you're settling in well. I was gonna ask if you wanted to meet some of my friends, but you seemed to have formed your own little platoon here."
Petrus felt like he was beaming. It did feel good to have adapted to the situation. Understood it and gotten all the more better for it. He leaned back for a bit, stretching his arms.
"Hey now soldier, you can get yourself a court martial for trying a stunt like that."
He furrowed his eyebrows at that statement, not sure why she had said that.
It was then that he realized that he had almost put his arm around her - or that he could have if he had dropped it. He quickly retracted his arms and pulled his visor cap down. "Apologies Miss, won't happen again."
"Haha, stop it," Sunset was clearly amused with the whole spectacle. "Hey, why do you wear that cap everywhere? You've got a nice mop up there, why not flaunt it?"
He felt embarrassed, having been complimented by a pretty girl. His cheeks went a little red - somehow overcoming his already reddish skin - and he ended up giving a boyish grin.
Then he quickly changed tact and put his arm around Snails. "I do it for my buddies, Ms. Shimmer.
"Can't have all the ladies to ma-self."
"Yeah!"
Snails agreed while Snips ignored his quip, until they both realized what he said and replied in unison "Hey!"
"Heh." Petrus was beginning to feel like a kid again. Still learning the ropes, but proud at every minor milestone he made. Almost ecstatic at these small victories in life.
Sunset seemed to agree because she could not stop laughing. "Haha," she started to snort.
He could tell that she was embarrassed about that but was enjoying herself too much to stop snorting. She tried covering her nose, at that moment, confirming his suspicions.
"Ah, go ahead, let it all out missy. Ain't nothin’ wrong with a couple of oink, oinks in these parts."
Snips and Snails seemed to concur. Granted, more so because they derived equal enjoyment from listening to her nerdy laughter.
Once she calmed down, she punched him in the arm and left the table. "See ya later, squaddies."
He did a quick salute before resuming his food with friends, listening to Snips and Snails make jokes about Sunset's snorting and the math teacher's larger than life hump.
"Funny kid." Sunset figured. How he went from the nervous wreck of a teen to this was a mystery she probably would never figure out. "Probably magic, for all I know."
She returned back to her table of friends, not expecting the tirade of questions she was about to receive. "Well, someone seems to be in a good mood."
"Honestly darling, you have got to fix that horrendous snort of yours. I'm surprised he didn't mind it so much."
"Who?"
"Ya know, that guy back there who you were talkin' ta. I reckon if you'd laughed any louder, actual snot might've shot outta ya."
The rest of the table snickered at that. Though, Sunset did not seem to mind, instead rolling her eyes. "Haha," she sarcastically quipped.
"So, who's the mystery kid," asked Rainbow Dash. "And how'd he get you into such a good mood?" She cocked an eyebrow.
"Do tell," Pinkie Pie yelled from across the table, clearly excited to hear the whole story.
"Did it have something to do with his weird get-up," asked Twilight Sparkle. "He seemed to be acting like a commandent from World War 2, is he German or something?"
"I don't think he sounded German," came a whisper from across. "Though, I wasn't there to hear him speak, maybe I shouldn't assume..."
"Pfft," Sunset retorted back. "Nah, it's all an act. In fact, if anything, he sounded Southern, like you Applejack.
"Anyway," she took a sip from her juice box, leaning back. "Can we please stop talking about my snort and day? Tell me about you guys."
"You hiding something, Sunset..." came a suspicious glare from Rainbow Dash.
"C'mon Dash, you know I don't like talking about my snort. It's embarrassing! I still wish I didn't have that fight with Postcrush... waiting for my nose to heal is such a drag."
"Suuuuuuure."
Sunset raised an eyebrow at that. "Dash, what're you getting at?"
"Don't tease her, Rainbow Dash," Applejack replied, sounding like a wise old mother. "Look, we think he likes you and wanted to see what you thought."
Then she quickly furrowed her eyebrows at Rainbow Dash, "And she clearly don't like, like him back Rainbow Dash, she ain't swoonin' over 'im, talkin' about her lost prince charming findin' her, dressed to the nines like a soldier."
She started laughing at her own statement, earning some fellow laughs from the table. "Oh, please." Sunset sounded exasperated. "I don't plan on dating him and I bet he feels the same way about me. He was just being friendly and gentlemanly."
"Suuuuuuure," Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash chipped in, trying their best to drag on the teasing train.
"What?"
"Look, darling," spoke up the resident fashionista once again.
"I don't know if you've ever noticed this, but boys don't just start acting up all gentlemanly for laughs. Trust me, darling.
"The only way I can get any boy to act gentlemanly is with a wink and a wave."
As if to prove her point, the Diamond Dog gang was passing by when she suddenly signalled to them, "Yoo-hoo, boys! Looking tough like nails!"
She ended it with a wink, and that seemed to get the three of them acting friendly back, even going so far as to dust themselves off from the yard work they were doing as punishment earlier. "See?"
"C'mon Rarity, now you're just being mean."
"Yeah, it's not nice saying that all boys are like that. Maybe that one is just being nice."
Rarity turned to face Fluttershy, making the latter retract further back into her seat. "Then again... I'm not the most experienced at this sorta stuff. I just figure they're being nice."
"Fluttershy, literally one of my soccer teammates was flirting with you just yesterday and you basically turned him down for a day at the shelter."
"Eeep, really!? I'm so sorry, I thought he was being nice an-"
"It's cool," Rainbow cut her off. "I explained things to him and he understood that you just weren't getting the hints."
Fluttershy reasoned that it was probably for the best to retract back into the seat and zone out of the conversation. "Point being," Rainbow Dash continued, "Most guys just don't act so witty for anyone. He must've really busted a leg to get ya to laugh that hard."
"Aw, that's cute. You've got an admirer, Sunset," Twilight Sparkle chimed in.
"Not cute," Sunset replied. "Because, there's nothing to be cute about. Besides, he's like, what, 13? 14 maybe? I'm like almost half his age older. It'd be weird and awkward, not cute."
"Aw, c'mon, it'll be like having a little puppy dog!"
She quickly brought out her bag and opened it up. "Aren't I right, Spike?"
"Definitely, Twilight," Spike said after getting his head out of the bag. "So, what're we talkin' about?"