A/N: Yes, the title is a reference to a Ray Stevens song. It's just part of the hilarity.
Out in the wilds of Everfree even the brightest sunlight was destined to become eerily filtered through the thick canopies, only allowed glorious fullness in those areas that were clear of leaves, or even empty of trees. That spotty light was helpful for illuminating the path through the forest that was barely visible, one which led away from Zecora's hut, towards the broad river that ran through the wild forest.
A procession of figures wound their way along the path towards the river. There were six of them, five of similar size and one of much smaller stature. All of them were wearing long, black cloaks, with hoods pulled up to disguise their features. At their waists hung bags of herbs, to repel the creatures of Everfree, leaving their travel unmolested. All of them bore saddlebags over their cloaks, loaded down with items.
The six figures wound their way through several twisting paths, past several more noticeable paths that led to dead ends, almost losing themselves in the densely-packed forest. The finally broke through the treeline, to a clearing that contained a stretch of the river. Right at the edge there was a large, polished and clean gray stone table. Around the table were lumps of moss and leaves, six in number.
The six dark-robed figures spread around the stone table, the smaller one on the very opposite side from the river, taking a seat upon a very high pile of moss and leaves, allowing for a normal position at the table, comparable to the positions of the others. They were seated, three on the small figure's right and two on the left.
The river water began to boil and surge, going from clear darkness that showed its depth, to a white froth that bubbled, churning and bulging slowly, like a giant bubble was being released slowly. But rather than the pop of such a bubble there was the slow slide of water down blue-violet scales and out of the glorious orange pompadour of the local river serpent, known as Steven. He still possessed a full and glorious mustache, and had added to his facial accoutrements, a curly purple goatee that looked, as ever, like a pony's tail securely attached to his body. He stretched his arms up and stretched his sinuous body with an oddly-pleasured sigh. “Ooooh! Hello there! Right on time as ever!”
The small figure threw his hood back, revealing the face of Spike the dragon, looking annoyed. On his upper lip he was sporting a thick black mustache, drooping slightly at the ends. “Awww come on, Steven! I know you can't find a robe that fits but can't you, like, show a little more dignity and secrecy? This is supposed to be awesomely mystical. You can't just pop up and be all bright. We didn't even do any chanting.”
“Oooh, sorry Spike. But you know me. I'm just so excited to have guests! I'm so glad you let me be a part of your club!” Steven swished the end of his tail above the water, lightly flicking water around, while he pressed his fists up against the sides of his face.
“Hey, come on, this isn't just a club like the Cutie Mark Crusaders. This is a highly secret and powerful brotherhood of guys. We're a cut above the rest.” Spike twirled his mustache and gave a big grin.
“I must agree with our cheerful leader.” The one immediately on Spike's right flipped back his good to reveal the smiling face of Fancy Pants, monocle and all. “As a member of many occluded societies, and having been asked to join many others, I enjoy this one most of all.”
“You're the expert, I suppose. I just know it's a great way to get out of the house sometimes.” The stallion to the right of Fancy Pants flipped back his hood to show off Ace, still in his sweatband. “Oh not that I don't love Pokey, of course. I love spending time with him. But between all the practice, doing stuff that he likes, it gets to be a lot. Just a chance to hang out with a new crowd is great!”
“Oui! Zis is very true!” At Spike's immediate left, the hood came back to show off the griffonic features of Gustave Le Grand. “Especially in zees days. Zee headaches of zee bridegroom. Coo-la-la! I am so glad zat Joe is zee one to be taking care of such details. I must confess, I am not lazy, but I am... how you say? Efficient! I know what I am good at. And sitting here with zis group is a skill of mine.”
“Hey, that's right, yer getting married, aintcha?” The pony to Ace's right pulled back his hood to reveal Rarity's father, Magnum. “Congrats there, brother! My little girl is engaged herself. To Ponyville's best wild animal caretaker. Yea, it's pretty good. Say! When the wedding happens, think you can do the catering? Her mare is certainly the kinda lady that you normally cater to.”
“Am I the only one currently uncoupled?” The last one threw back his hood to reveal Horte Cuisine, with a slight scowl. “Everyone here is either married or engaged.”
“Oh not at all, old colt. Do recall that our brother Ace is not FORMALLY engaged to Pokey. And our cheerful leader has not cast his heart upon another yet.” Fancy Pants levitated his monocle off and gave it a casual polishing.
“Not that I would mind. But he still hasn't... cuddled up, as the foals are calling it. His parents still think he's just living with me to share housing costs. But I understand. They're nowhere near as understanding as Ponyville and Canterlot folks. I guess it'll be okay. They're the sort that would make a big deal out of it if he was not dating a pony. As though that matters.”
There was a general murmur of disagreement in regards to bigotry, before Magnum noted, “And hey, Fancy hasn't really got anypony for himself, there. Sure, he's been dating for a while, but there's nothing that came of that. Oh, no offense there, brother.”
“None at all taken, brother. Yes, it is true. I have been seeing the charming miss de Lis for a good while. But, very little of substance has emerged from that. I actually do consider that a shame on my part. But I haven't a clue what I can do at this juncture.” He twitched his mustache and cleared his throat. “But that is neither here nor there. I say we begin this grand meeting.”
“Yea! Enough of this frou-frou stuff! Now, let's get this started. Ahem.” Spike cleared his throat and called out. “Mustache!”
“Mustache!” The others called, with great enthusiasm.
“Thick and bushy, thin and twisty!”
“Thick and bushy, thin and twisty!”
“We are..!” Spike began.
All of them answered in unison, “The Grand Mystic Royal Order of the Nobles of the Brotherhood of the Mustache!”
There was some applause, though Horte stroked his mustache a bit and tapped on the table. “Once again... is there any chance we could vote on the name? I do realize it is a common objection but there is a certain... frivolity about it.”
“Ahh but that's half the fun of it, brother Horte. All those other secret societies are so stuffy and dull and plain. Why some of them are composed only of unicorns! Those are the ones that I tend to avoid. Harmless exclusivity is far more acceptable.” Fancy Pants nodded his head and slipped the pack off of his back. “Now... shall we move on to the rites of our brotherhood?”
“Oh yea! I hope everybody brought what you usually do!” Spike opened up the pack he had with him and dumped out poker chips, potato chips, and gem chips. “We totally gotta find a Diamond Dog to join us. I can't keep eating all these gem chips.”
“You could stop bringing so many.” Horte quipped, pouring out his bag and revealing several wrapped long sandwiches that almost shouldn't have been capable of fitting in the bag, which was longer than usual to begin with.
“Eh, he's not gonna change that. He gets to gem hunt with my daughter. That's half the fun there. Even if he's out of the running, he still likes being around her.” Magnum levitated out a deck of cards, which seemed almost comically large, as well as a modestly-sized pot, which he set in the middle of the table. “Fondue. Hope one-a ya brought some bread. I can't carry everything.”
“Et, voila!” Gustave pulled out a very large baguette and quickly sliced it into rough chunks upon a large napkin he had. He also took out several skewers and passed them around the table. “Would one of you kind unicorns please light zee fondue pot? Joe has made me aware of how useful it is to have a unicorn in zee kitchen.”
“Dude. Dragon.” Spike pointed to himself and blew out a gout of flame, lighting the fuel source under the fondue pot. “There ya go, man. Just give that time to warm up. Oh, and sorry about not having really, really big food, Steven. That would be suspicious... uhhh... more than a bunch of guys in black robes walking around.”
“Oh don't worry at all, Spike! There's plenty of fish in here.” Steven pulled up a well-manicured hand, to show a fish speared on one of the claws. “And they're big fish, too. That's the Everfree for you.”
“Oh! Can I have one of zose? A little one, s'il vous plaît.” Gustave looked on the fish with an obvious hunger.
“You know, I hear we are to offer fish sometime soon at the cafe. There have been more Diamond Dogs and griffins in town.” Horte noted, though he seemed less than pleased by the prospect of having fish near him.
Steven's other hand came up, dripping over the table slightly as he brought another fish across to Gustave. “Here you go. Enjoy. They're really tasty.”
“Hey, brother Gustave, before you have that fish, think you can lay out your stuff? Fishy stuff isn't that appealing.” Ace waved a hoof rapidly and lightly tapped the table.
“Ah! Désolé! Je ne pensais pas...” Gustave removed the other items from his bag, setting out a rich collection of pastries, eclairs and cream puffs primarily. Only after that did he take the offered fish and begin to daintily munch on it.
Fancy Pants levitated over a few potato chips and a large slice from one of the giant sandwiches. Almost in exchange he levitated out several cans of soda, sufficient to supply all the assembled with several cans. He cracked one open and set it before him. “None of the parties I have attended ever have such things.” He bit into the sandwich with a satisfied smile, before munching on a chip and taking a sip of soda. “Save the time that lovely pink Element-bearer injected her own style into such a soiree.”
“Oh yea, that filly! She's one-a my little girl's friends. Really great gal there, loves ta make all kindsa delicious stuff. Don't get me wrong, I love my wifey's cooking and my Sweetie's cooking too, but there's something to a pastry that's not a little charred, and toast that isn't served in a bowl. But nothin' like what you make, brother Gustave.” Magnum levitated over an eclair and took a big, substantial bite, some of the cream splattering out onto the table.
“Hey brother Gustave, check it out, it's Joe.” Ace let out a raucous laugh and pounded on the table. “Or maybe Pokey after a night in and a dose of cuddling. If you know what I mean.” He gave the group a wink and got back a few chortles and some rolled eyes.
“You only wish Pokey could be so productive, frère Ace!” Gustave twirled his mustache and adopted a smug look, a chorus of laughs busting out from the others.
“Oh! Burn! And I should know.” Spike popped his eye ridges and pulled a big gulp from a soda, letting out a surprisingly pretty green-fiery belch.
“I appreciate the liberty of this all.” Fancy Pants belched very politely behind a hoof and took another bite of his sandwich piece. “My brothers, to liberty!” He held up his soda in a toast.
“To liberty!' They all cried suddenly, most toasting with soda, though Gustave and Steven both toasted with their fish.
“But not too much liberty, right? I would imagine that Joe, Pokey, Pearl and Twilight have you on something of a leash. It's rather good to be a single stallion at times, is it not, brother Steven and brother Fancy?” Horte hid a chuckle behind a hoof and nodded to the two males he had indicated.
“Yea, yea, you laugh. But there must be something to relationships. Twilight seems pretty happy with Pinkie.” Spike munched on a few gem chips and scratched his cheek. “I'll find somepony. After all, I AM a dragon-shaped pony with his own pet phoenix. And who can resist that?”
“I dare say you would cut quite a figure in Canterlot. Uniqueness is always well appreciated. Throw on a tuxedo and a monocle, and you would move smoothly through all the upper echelons. Your palace connections would surely also open many doors.” Fancy Pants motioned to Spike with a smile.
“Oh yea? Maybe you're right.” Spike brushed gem flecks from his front and gave a lothario smile. “I'll bet you know plenty of single mares. You've probably dated all of them” He clicked his tongue against his teeth and winked.
“Oh, that is... you see...” Fancy Pants looked suddenly... flustered. It was a strange thing for the normally composed and urbane unicorn. “I do admit to a certain way with the mares. Why in younger days and with a younger mind I was certainly popular with the mares, to be certain. But in the middle part of my life I find that... fails to engage me mentally.”
“Oh come now, brother Fancy. Are you saying that the easily-impressed and vapid glamor mares don't draw you in? Those kinds are the easiest ones to date.” Horte leaned back, looking very unlike the sort of figure his appearance would say he was. “I have been out with those sorts of mares. I was responsible, of course. But they are very nice for a few dates.”
“Well, jeepers, looks like we all know who's gonna be single for life” Magnum chuckled lightly and finally got around to skewering a piece of bread and dipping it into the melted cheese “But then, brother Fancy's saying he isn't gonna be dating much either.”
“Well, I would not say that. I do attend many parties. And always with the charming miss Fleur de Lis as my perpetual plus-one.” Fancy Pants settled down comfortably, also helping himself to the fondue.
“Oh frère Fancy, zat is not zee same thing as dating. I have catered many a snooty party in Canterlot. Zee plus-ones are never treated like zee wives, husbands and dates.”
“Well now... you have a good point there, brother Gustave. A very good point.” Fancy lost himself in thought, consuming more fondue.
“So brother Gustave, how are housing prices in Canterlot?” Ace leaned on the table, closer to the griffin. “Pokey's been having some good profit from his engraving business and I'm into the better tournaments these days. Canterlot is where the big tournaments are at, and... maybe he would cuddle up and we could get engaged. Canterlot is very friendly to that.”
“Désolé, frère Ace. Je ne sais pas. My patisserie came with a garret as part of zee mortgage. Joe is zee one looking into zee housing when we combine out businesses. But I know zat zee housing in Canterlot is très cher.” He did not bother to translate, but the rubbing of his talons was a well-understood griffin symbol for expense.
“Hey there, ya know that Ponyville is pretty friendly to the colt cuddlers too. Sure we're not as big and such as Canterlot there, but we still love a good romance. And that pink gal'll always through ya a party. Ya can't go wrong with a party, am I right fellas?” Magnum motioned to the others who murmured assent.
Horte applauded lightly and nodded. “Indeed. I certainly have no problems. The more stallions taking up with one another, the fewer there to attract the mares. And there are only so many filly foolers out there. Still plenty of merae in the sea.”
“That's sure one way to get your kicks. Shooping it up with them has an appeal to a few. So I hear.” Spike gnawed on a diamond piece and give a thumbs-up to Horte, a laugh breaking out from all the others.
“If a simple physical relationship suffices then it is quite true the merae are perfect. Casual intimacy has merits to some. Not that I would be willing to go to those lengths.” Fancy used his horn to idly stack the chips, passing them around the table in even piles.
“But didn't you once say that the most you'd ever done with Fleur was to take her out and then have a night in?” Steven inquired, pulling up another fish. Gossip made him hungry.
“Well yes, brother Steven. But it is not MERELY casual intimacy. I daresay our intimacy is far from casual. It is why I never need to attend a gym. I get a full aerobic workout each time I have a date.” Another round of laughter rang out, and Steven applauded.
“I wish I had a lady like that. Oooh where can I find a lady who wouldn't mind living in the forest? Or at least visiting me now and then. For a few hours.”
“Optimist.” Horte deadpanned, looking at Steven. A polite chuckle followed. “You could try the zebra that lives out here.”
“Yea, that's not gonna happen.” Magnum spoke up, his magical grip holding a skewer that was impaling a portion of sandwich, which he was dipping in the fondue. “I dunno where you've been getting your information but everypony knows that Zecora there is gettin' groomed to be part of the Apple family. I dunno whicha them she's gonna marry. Rarity knows but she hasn't been talking. Sweetie does too, but for some reason she doesn't wanna tell me. Jeepers, when did I lose control of my daughters?”
“You had control of your daughters? I thought that wasn't possible.” Ace elbowed Magnum a little and chuckled.
“Oh, I know. It's Applebloom. Sweetie won't tell you because it's Cutie Mark Crusader business. Rarity didn't mention it because romantic secrets tickle her.” Spike casually toasted a sandwich section with some fire before taking a bite. “Applejack is arranging a wedding date with Rainbow Dash, and Big Mac... will probably die unmarried. Applebloom is going to marry Zecora as soon as she's old enough. You've gotta keep up with gossip.”
There was a moment of contemplative silence, before Horte muttered, “Even fillies are getting more dates than me.” That burst the silence with hearty laughter.
Fancy Pants shook his head with a mile and adjusted his monocle with his hoof. “Take heart, brother Horte. Surely a classy individual such as yourself should be able to attract a fine mare. Perhaps you should take a few days in Canterlot. There are plenty of locations. I am led to understand that the clubs there are ripe for the picking.”
“I am a maître d' at a legitimate cafe, the finest in Ponyville. I do not just wander into screaming, thumping clubs filled with smoke and lasers and ponies in strange clothes.” Horte sniffed, throwing his snout into the air.
“And that might be your problem.” Spike stuck a long quartz spike into his mouth, shifting it to the side to make it look like a clear cigar in an odd shape. “The mares are in there. And I hear they're kinda easy. Never been myself but I've heard stories.” He paused for a moment. “Read stories.” Another pause. “Wrote stories.” He coughed into his hand. “About myself.” He tapped on the table. “Cards! Let's get to it! We've got our rituals to get to.”
Magnum took up the cards in his telekinetic grip and shuffled them rapidly. “Alrighty there, what are we gonna play this time? Spit in the ocean? Straight five draw? Five stud?”
Hey hey!” Spike called out, drawing all eyes to him. “In this club, it's TOTALLY seven stud, am I right fellas?” A cheer rose up from the other six males, as well as cheerful chuckles. “Nah, I'm good with spit in the ocean. Everyone? That good?”
Horte held up a hoof. “Four card or called?”
“Oh, let us call it. A bit of control is always good.” Fancy Pants wiped his monocle on his robe and settled it back onto his face.
Magnum started passing the cards around, each male looking at the cards and the others at the table. In the middle of the third round Fancy Pants called out, “Spit! As it were.” One card, the six of clubs, flipped over and settled in the middle of the table by the fondue pot. The rest of the cards were dealt out as normal. “I'm rather glad this convocation was called. I needed to get out of Canterlot for a few days. And how propitiously timed! Being in Ponyville it time for the County fair.”
“You're telling me! I wish I had known about this while I was living with Twilight in Canterlot. Now that I've been a few times I can't imagine NOT going every year.” Spike flipped a white chip into the center of the table and nodded. “It's like the best place ever to grab cheap products that you can't find anywhere.”
“Oh you got that right, there.” Magnum chipped in his own ante and arranged his cards in his hooves. “The fairs out at Lake Whinneybago were fun. But this one is huge! And no snow! That makes all the difference.”
“And it is so good for a date! Or zat is what I have heard. Coo-la-la. I wish Joe was here. Perhaps he could take a day to visit. We could stroll zee products and eat zee silly things zey have. I have even heard a rumor zat zey have a fried pickle! Zut alors! Pouvez-vous y croire?” Gustave sighed wistfully and put in his chip.
“A date... a time for going out without a place to attend. No NEED to see and be seen. It sounds lovely. It certainly has been a long while.” Fancy Pants arranged his cards before his eyes as the others added their chips. “Fellows... do you think the time has come for me to stop being coy? I know it is the male prerogative to be coy and implicit, but I believe at a certain point, there comes a time when a stallion must... when a stallion has to stand firm and say what he means. Correct?” He looked out at the rest of the males, seeming pleading and unsure.
The faces that gazed back were blank, deadpanning with just the slightest hint of disbelief. The staring was silent and uncomfortable, no one making a move or even breathing too loudly. Spike finally moved, removing the quartz spike from his lips, once more reinforcing the impression that it resembled a cigar. He leaned in Fancy's direction, brows furrowing. “Dude... is this a Harlequine romance novel? I've read enough of them to know that's how the stallions talk. Or whatever other males there might be.” He smiled, the others following suit. “Time and place. Time and place. This is poker time. But... my advice? Do it.”
A chorus of assent followed. “Oui oui!” “Absotively!” “Oh do it!” “Go for it!” “Go on, do it!”
Fancy smiled, a small, sincere, pleased smile. “Gentlemales... brothers... this is why I hold in highest esteem this august and glorious assembly, over all the other societies of Canterlot. They can keep their stodgy pomp, flighty ideas, stuffy formalism and ludicrous notions. It is to this organization that I shall ever be eternally and wholly loyal!”
“That's the spirit! And hey, if it all goes REALLY well, we can TOTALLY handle your bachelor party!” Spike was suddenly on the receiving end of half a dozen deadpan stares. “No, really! This time I'll remember to do it in the right order!” He chomped sullenly on his quartz spear to a sudden chorus of laughter.