My heart pounded in my chest and I squeezed my eyes shut. I was still frozen in place - I had to say something, but I couldn’t think of the words, and the breath I was holding came out as a moan. Applejack hugged me tighter. Ugh, why was I so cold?
Get it together! You’re acting like a baby! You’re just cold because you’re panicking.
I took some deep breaths and felt the wood floor beneath me, the warmth of Applejack’s body, the steady beat of her heart.
Focus! Breathe! Say something!
“I’m sorry,” I said automatically. Not the right thing to say.
“There ain’t nothing for you to be sorry for Green.” Applejack said. “Rainbow had no right to corner you like that.”
“She didn’t corner me!” I insisted, “And she wasn’t being mean to me, please don’t be mad at her because of me!”
“Yer shakin’ like a leaf sweetpea,” Applejack said gently, “Ah, know Rainbow can be a might thoughtless but ah promise she would never actually hurt you.”
“I know,” I said, “It’s not her I’m afraid of, it’s just that -”
I clamped my mouth shut when I realized I was about to put the blame for my panic attack on Applejack. I really didn’t want to hurt her feelings.
“I’m just having a panic attack for stupid reasons.”
“It’s not your fault Green.” Applejack said.
“It is my fault though.” I retorted. “I hurt Scootaloo, and that’s why Rainbow came to talk to me, and now you’re fighting with your friend because you’re worried about me. If I wasn’t here, none of this would have happened.”
“It’s not a bad thing to have ponies worry about you Green,” Applejack consoled, “It just means that they care about you.”
“Yes, it is!” I insisted, “If they’re worrying over me then they feel bad, and I don’t want them to feel bad because of me!”
“You can't stop somepony from caring about you,” Applejack said, “What you can do is let them help you.”
I rolled my eyes, but I don’t think she saw.
“If you let them help you then you’ll feel better, and they’ll feel better, an’ fore ya know it everypony will be happy again.”
I groaned at how sappy that was.
Or they’ll fail at helping me because I don’t have any willpower to change my life, and then they’ll be frustrated and I’ll feel bad for wasting their time.
When I’d considered waiting out my second childhood I hadn’t realized it would feel this bad. What if this never went away? What if I felt this way for the rest of my life? My body felt so cold. Stupid body.
Applejack hugged the shivering filly. She had only meant to protect her, but yelling at Rainbow hadn’t been the right way to go about it, even if she did still feel completely justified.
“How are you feeling Green?” She asked.
“I’m fine.”
The filly continued to shiver, drooping her head before finally answering.
“C-cold.”
“It’s going to be alright Green.” Applejack assured. “How about I run you a nice warm bath and then you can get ready for bed. I promise nopony else will bother you.”
“O-ok.” The filly’s voice wavered like she was trying not to cry.
“That could have gone better.” Sweetie Belle said.
“Well don’t look at me,” Scootaloo responded, “I tried to tell her it was fine. Not my fault she’s such a cry baby.”
“Mah sister said that an adult treated her really badly and now she’s afraid of everypony.” Applebloom explained, “So she has to learn how to trust other ponies again, an’ mah sister is gonna help her ‘cause she’s the element of honesty.”
“Well, your sister’s doing a great job helping her trust Rainbow.” Scootaloo rolled her eyes
The crusaders stealthily made their way to the door and peeked out to see Applejack embracing Green as the filly shook. They all froze as Green spotted them and retreated further into the embrace.
“Is she still afraid of us?”
When the crusaders saw me being comforted by Applejack I was so embarrassed. Here I was acting more childish than the actual children; and my response was to shy away, like a child, which created an ever-tightening spiral of terribleness.
At my current size, the bathtub was enormous. As a human, a bathtub ended at my knees making it a cramped uncomfortable affair. I couldn’t quite swim laps in this tub, but you could easily fit three fillies my size end to end.
My size also presented a problem; I had no idea how to climb in short of throwing myself over the side and splashing water everywhere. I was surprised when, after seeing my hesitation, Applejack picked me up by the scruff of my neck like I was a kitten. My pony body seemed to know not to flail when I was being carried like this. Rather than panicking, I went limp and actually giggled at how silly the situation must look.
The tub was only half full, so I could still touch the bottom. As I sank into the bath the water was perfectly warm and I immediately felt much more relaxed, and warm!
“Will you be alright on your own?” Applejack asked.
I blushed at the question. I’m not sure why having help for a bath was so different from help in the shower. I guess having a shower is just for washing someone for practical reasons, a bath seemed much more awkward.
“I’ll be fine, thanks!” I said.
“Alright,” Applejack looked a bit uncertain, “Just give me a yell if you need help getting out of the tub okay?”
“Okay,” I promised.
Applejack left the room, closing the door to give me some privacy.
The feeling of being submerged with a coat of fur was indescribable. It created an odd sense of drag, like I was being pulled in a thousand directions at once. The buoyancy of my new body was about the same as a human. With some air in my lungs I could float. If I exhaled all the air from my lungs and took my hooves off the bottom I would slowly sink.
Water rushed into my nostrils. I coughed reflexively as I felt water dripping into the back of my throat, rearing my head back in a panic and shooting twin geysers of water as I breached the surface.
Note to self: Nostrils no longer face downwards.
I did manage to climb out of the bath without help, though the thumping sound made when I flopped onto the floor had Applejack knocking on the door to check if I was okay. I did need her help to dry me with a towel. I would have to find out how ponies managed that at some point; shaking like a dog seemed like it would be poor manners.
The crusaders had left the room by the time we got back, and the bed had been remade from when I’d pulled the blanket onto the floor.
Crawling under the covers I felt drained. The anxiety had finally left my body and been replaced with an all-consuming drowsiness.
“Goodnight Green,” Applejack ran a hoof through my still damp mane, “I’m sorry.”
The regret in her voice made me want to cry, she’d tried so hard for me and I’d made her feel like a failure. For once I managed to let it go.
“Goodnight Applejack,” I said.
When I thought she was out of earshot I added, “I’m sorry too.”