//------------------------------// // Hearts and Hooves Day vs. Friendship Journal Fans // Story: Student Six's - Root of All Evil // by CrackedInkWell //------------------------------// “So, how’s your research?” Ocellus inquired. Silverstream peeked through her notebook, her eyelids drooping. It had been days since Spike had assigned them to look further into their cases. In the quiet of the school’s library, the two of them reviewed their notes while Silverstream yawned. “Trying to get this out of the way first. But I gotta tell ya, this was probably the hardest to try to get any notes from.” “Why’s that?” “Because as much as we had to read our textbook,” she held up the Friendship Journal, “I was struggling to find any info about the fandom that sprang from it. I was resorted to going to our professors to piece it together.” Ocellus’s ears perked up in alarm. “You didn’t tell them about the club, did you?” “Of course not. I just told them that I wanted to know about the fans that the journal sprang from. But even then, I was only able to get it out from Starlight, Rainbow, and Twilight.” “Why not the other professors?” “I tried. Applejack had a funny look when I asked her before I was kicked off the farm.” “Funny look?” “She went all quiet as if she was having a flashback. But not the happy kind, more like the… what do you call it? Post-traumatic stress flashback. But as for the others, Fluttershy denied that the Friendship Journal fandom existed. And Rarity started crying as soon as I asked her the first question. She too had a funny look on her face.” Setting the notebook aside, she asked how Ocellus was doing. “The good news is that I’m able to find some information about the holiday. The bad news,” Ocellus turned to the side and picked up a very large pile of thick books that she put on the table with a noticeable THUNK! “Here’s what they have to say about it.” “Are you sure you can figure out all the bad sides of Hearts and Hooves?” “It’s a subject that I have an interest in… for obvious reasons.” “I’m surprised you took it up. That you’re going to tell the club how bad it is from being a favorite holiday.” “Actually, I hate it.” Ocellus said, flipping open a book, “We only go about because we tend to get a free meal somewhere. But although I have my reasons, I wanted to see why anyone else would either.” “Still,” Silverstream picked up her notebook, “this is going to be a fun trail.” “What trial?” This sudden third voice almost made Silverstream and Ocellus jump right out of their seats. It was at this moment that they found Twilight nearby, listening over their shoulders. “How long have you been there?” Silverstream asked. “I just got here. So, what’s this about a fun trial?” “Well, you know,” Ocellus said, trying to think up of a lie. “Trial as in a… challenge. Yes! We’re looking forward to a fun challenge soon.” “Really?” Twilight tilted her head. “What kind?” “We just have to uh…” Silverstream looked down at her notes. “Going to be in a debate and just getting ready.” “I didn’t know you two were in the debate club.” Twilight put a hoof to her chin as if a thought as came to her, “If anything, I don’t recall either of you ever signing for it.” “We just recently joined.” Silver insisted, “And now we’re just doing some research is all.” “Alright.” Twilight nodded, “So when’s the debate? I’d like to hear it.” Both students looked at one another, uncertain of what to say. “We don’t know yet.” Ocellus told her, “It might be next week or two, but I don’t think either of us is sure.” “Well, when you do, let me know.” With that, Twilight walked away over to a nearby bookshelf. As soon as she was out of sight, both students let out a tense breath they were holding. “That was so close,” Silverstream sighed in relief. “Tell me about it.” Ocellus nodded. Looking over her shoulder, Silver added, “You don’t think that she might… you know?” Ocellus shook her head, “I don’t think she suspects anything. Which is good news for us and the club.” Gathering up her books, she told her friend, “I’m going to head back to my room. So, I could put my case together in peace.” “Same,” Silverstream picked up her notebook and scratch paper, “besides, I still need to come up with a few jokes anyway. Mind helping me out?” “I think you’re better asking Gallus or Smolder; they tend to get the comedy club rolling whenever they’re around.” With that, the two students left. Twilight peaked her head from the bookshelf, “Comedy club?” Days later, the club members were applauding Judge Spike, Ocellus, and Silverstream as they entered into the chamber. Both mares smiled and waved to their audience as Spike flew up to perch on his tall desk to bang his gavel. The Changeling and the Hippogriff took their seats as Spike called them to order. “Order! Order! Settle down! The Underground Comedy Club is now open!” The members got quiet as the show has begun. “I’m Judge Spike and this is my courtroom. Where I put on trial all the things that revolt me so much that it makes me want to strangle myself with a radio cord!” This got a laugh from the students. “Tonight’s case: Hearts and Hooves Day vs. Friendship Journal Fans. Which is the Root of All Evil!?” There were loud cheers when Spike announces the case. “But first, from those who have recently woken up from a thousand-year-long nap, here’s a quick summary. Hearts and Hooves Day is the holiday that celebrates love in the best way we know. By giving mares enough flowers to cause an ecosystem to collapse, reservations at expensive restaurants to make anyone’s wallets weep, and enough chocolate to become diabetic. And it’s wisely placed on February 14th, ironically the most depressing time of the year. “However, contending for the title is a particular fandom that grew from the Friendship Journal. Ever since its publication, the journal about the adventures of Equestrian's six heroines had plunged them into the spotlight. The fans have upheld the spirit of the book by not reading it, thinking that it belongs in the fictional section, and for a time made Rarity public enemy number one. But worst of all, it squeezed the ghost-writer (me) out of a writing credit. “So here to make the case that the Friendship Fans are the Root of All Evil is the lovable future serial killer, Silverstream!” Smiling, the Hippogriff stood up from her bench to wave at the cheering crowd. “And here to contend that Hearts and Hooves Day is the Root of All Evil is the mental ticking time-bomb, Ocellus!” The Changeling did the same thing but remained standing. “Ocellus, time for us to give your opening statement.” She nodded as she walked towards the club members. “I know what you’re thinking. Ocellus, you’re a Changeling, shouldn't Hearts and Hooves be like Hearth’s Warming to you? So, what do you have against it? It’s an innocent enough holiday, right? A day where foals exchange cards in class, where couples go on dates, and it's a big celebration for those who are married, right? If by innocent, you mean the most hypocritical, biased, and the most discriminatory day of the year. A day where the only stallion in the world who’s just as happy as the mares on that day, is the CEO of the greeting card company.” The club members laughed so loudly that Spike had to bang his gavel while holding back the laughter himself. Ocellus continued, “Furthermore, Your Honor, if you think about it, the holiday is redundant to those who are in a relationship. If the point for the holiday is to show how much you love someone, that they’re willing to go through all sorts of extremes to make you happy, and then have sex with them so hard that they lose consciousness – isn’t that what your lover should be doing every day?” As soon as the applause died down she continued, “Not only that but ladies, do you know how much bits has been spent on Hearts and Hooves Day for you? What do you expect to get from your special someone? Roses, chocolates, that teddy bear that has a velvet heart with a hoof-stitched message of something cute on it, and maybe some new shiny sparkly jewelry, right? Has anyone ever stopped to think how much that costs? Those roses that’ll wilt away in a few days cost 40 bits. The box of chocolates that’ll be eaten or thrown away is about 25 bits. That specially made teddy bear that you’re just going to throw in the attic and never to see it again… 60 bits. Jewelry? The cheapest is about 190. So, in total, you’re expecting them to spend, at a minimum: 315 bits! But the cost to bribe you to not guilt your special somecreature when you have a fierce argument in saying that you wish you were dead because they couldn't afford to pay all that for Hearths and Hooves – priceless. “For Hearts and Hooves Day, be mine in – The Root of All Evil!” After the applause died down to where Ocellus sat back on her bench, Spike turned to the Hippogriff. “Silver, go ahead and make your case.” Standing up, Silverstream addressed the club’s members. “Your Honor, it’s no secret that there have been fans over the years. Entire communities have sprung up from all sorts of things. From the Daring Do book series, toys that discontinued decades ago, the never-ending stories of Neighponese manga, even masturbating and finishing on a cheese pizza. But-” Silver was cut off by the sudden shocked laughter from the members where she waited until they’ve calmed down, “But none of these fandoms have come close to the evil that had sprung up from the Friendship Journal. So, let’s be clear – Your Honor – the book itself that has been turned into our textbooks is not what’s evil. It’s the fans that came about after it was published. How evil are they? Well here’s an example. For a while, these fans had boycott and nearly drove Rarity – the element of generosity – out of business because they didn’t like her. That’s almost like getting angry at the element of kindness for taking forever to stop being a pushover – oh wait! They did! You know a fandom is evil when they wanted to go after Rarity and Fluttershy for not being perfect from the start. At least fans of A. K. Yearling didn’t try to burn her house down because she forgot to autograph a fan's copy of her book. “Which is why I’ll be writing a fanfic called ‘The Friendship Journal Fans are – The Root of All Evil!’” As Silverstream returned to her bench, the club members applauded while Spike banged on his gavel. “Welp, this is gonna be an interesting show. A battle between overly devout followers, and the Friendship Journal fans. Ocellus, state your case.” Nodding, she got up, walking towards the audience. “Let’s be honest here, the real reason why Hearts and Hooves Day is the Root of All Evil is that when you get down to it – it’s the only sexist holiday we tolerate nowadays, and no one has called it out for it.” This got a laugh, especially from the mares. “Oh, you think I’m kidding? Here, watch this: hey guys, when’s the last time your special somepony turned to you and say, ‘Hey hon, what do you want for Hearts and Hooves Day?’” Silence. “Exactly! When you really think about it, mares are the only ones that often look forward to it. And we know why. Because it’s the day where the guys are mandated to worship us in more ways than one. As much as we love to think that our society is equal when it comes to sex and gender, on Hearts and Hooves Day, we’d put them on a leash to tell them to sit, rollover, and start licking our happy spot until we start seeing stars.” Amongst the laughter, Spike’s head was on the desk, his fist banging on the wood. “Of course,” Ocellus continued, “the holiday isn’t just about that. Why, in Elementary schools, it’s just an innocent day where once a year, students make enough cards for everyone, give out candy to be placed in them in a specially over-decorated shoebox, right? Wrong! I mean let’s face it, unless those same schools have a rule where you have to write out cards to every student in your class, that ritual is nothing more than a popularity contest. It gets worst as you grow up through Jr High and High school. Yeah, here’s an idea, let’s have teenagers give all the cards and candy to all the popular kids while the rest of them go home with depression and additional loneliness. I’m sure it won’t backfire in any way! “Yet, one of this holiday’s biggest offenses is the date it’s set. One would think that if they’re going to have a day that celebrates love, wouldn’t you have it be set in the Spring? Ah! That’s also why Hearts and Hooves day is evil, its because whoever set the date, must have been a sadist. Someone had to get up in a meeting and say, ‘I've got an idea! How about we set this day of love on the most depressing month of the year and when flu season is at its height. What do you say fellas?’ Ah yes, nothing says love more, than a day when you’re most likely to be sneezing your head off while feeling suicidal. Thank you.” Spike let the club member’s applause die down before commenting. “You know Ocellus, that argument certainly explains why every Hearts and Hooves I would be curled up in a ball with a picture of Rarity in one claw and a bottle of sleeping pills in the other. Silver, your turn.” After Ocellus sat back down, Silverstream got up. “The Friendship Journal fans are the Root of All Evil because they looked at a story about maintaining friendships, knowing how to be kind, how to be generous, telling the truth, finding humor in everyday life, and not giving up on your friends… and decided to do none of all that. In fact, did you know that there's a chunk of the fans of the journal who didn’t read it? There was a group of fancolts who came all the way from Fillydelphia just to have Twilight autograph their copies before sealing them up in plastic bags. They didn’t even read it and already they declared it as a masterpiece! Isn't that like being a fan of van Gogh and never bothered to see a single painting from him? “Oh! And how about this gem? In the fandom, there is a subgroup made up of foals where they worship Rainbow Dash. Now I know what some of you are thinking. Silver, you’re not going to go after kids in your argument are you? Yes, I am! Because these foals love Rainbow Dash to the point of cult status. So much so, that they had ripped the other lessons out of the book that doesn’t have a mention of her in it. Why? Because they found all the other stories about life-changing lessons boring. I mean, imagine if these kids were in high school and were given classic books to read. ‘What’s this? The Time Machine? Gallup’s Travels? A Hearth’s Warming Carol? Do any of them have Rainbow Dash in them? No? Then forget it!’” The audience cheered at this to the point where Spike had to ring them back in by banging his gavel. “But worst of all, Your Honor, the real reason why this fandom is the Root of All Evil is that most of them, even their critics, can’t really tell that these stories about friendship are based on real ponies! They didn’t see any of these stories as autobiographical. They didn’t see it as true events but just tall tales based on real ponies. Ah yes, and Starswirl the Bearded can shoot lasers from his eyes.” This got a laugh from the club. “Well I’m glad you guys knew that was a joke, but to them, I could say the same thing and they would believe it! “So, because they saw all this as fiction, some of them felt that the book should edit out certain ‘characters,’ like Rarity for being too selfish. I’m going to repeat that. They thought, the element of generosity, was too selfish! They thought that Rarity was too prideful, stuck up, and ignorant! I guess the one thing they clearly don’t have, are friends who would hold a mirror up to them. Thank you.” Silverstream took a small bow before returning to her bench while the club members applauded. Once it died down, Spike hummed loudly in thought. “Now this is a tough case. A group of blind followers that bend the rules to their liking, or the same thing? I’m going to be needing answers for this – my Inquisition!” As the club members cheered, Spike got down from his towering desk down to ground level. He turned towards the Changeling. “Ocellus, what’s so bad about a holiday that couples celebrate their love? Is that a bad thing?” “If you’re in a couple and female, then no, there’s nothing wrong with it at all. However, as much as it celebrates couples being in love, it becomes the most depressing day of the year for anyone whose single. Funny how we keep forgetting they exist. If anything, Hearts and Hooves should be called National Singles Awareness Day.” Spike nodded as he turned to the Hippogriff, “Silverstream, you go on about how the fandom didn’t learn a thing from the journal. But what about those that did learn its lessons? Don’t they count?” “Funny thing about that,” Silverstream pointed out, “when our Professors came face to face with those fans, do you know how many of them actually learned anything whatsoever from the journal? Out of hundreds, maybe thousands that came they've come across – only two! Not in hundreds either, just two. Two fillies had figured out that this book was on friendship, while the rest couldn’t agree on what’s it about. And most of them were adults! Now that’s bad when a couple of young fillies know more about the book than most grown-ups.” “Uh-huh… Ocellus,” he turned to her, “You’re saying that only mares like Hearts and Hooves.” “That’s right,” she nodded. “But what about the stallions that say they like it? I mean, I like the holiday enough.” “Really, how come?” “Well, for one, Cadence always gives me a box of gems on that day. So it can’t be that bad.” “Oh, you poor thing,” Ocellus patted his head. “You must have been tortured like a prisoner of war.” “C’mon,” Spike stepped away, “She only used the whips and chains on me that one time.” This got a laugh as he turned to Silverstream. “Hey, Silver, how do these fans affect the way your teachers celebrate Hearts and Hooves Day?” “That’s easy. Applejack would get another restraining order. Fluttershy sits on the front steps with a crossbow. Pinkie would hide in an underground bunker with Rainbow Dash. Rarity would disguise herself as a stallion – again. And Twilight would bore them to death on a friendship lecture.” “Ocellus,” he returned to the Changeling. “This is confidential between us.” “Of course,” Ocellus nodded. “I’d like to write some fanfictions in my off time. Some of them are romances, and what perfect setting than on Hearts and Hooves Day?” “Why not on an anniversary?” Spike blinked. “Come again?” “Your Honor, in the real world, doing the same stuff on Hearts and Hooves as one’s anniversary is a bit redundant, isn’t it? Why celebrate getting together twice; once on the actual day you got together, and again on some other random day? Having to do all that stuff all over again on Hearts and Hooves is just as useless as making New Year resolutions.” “I see…” Spike walked away from both of them until he stood in the center of the room. “Well ladies, here’s my final question for both of you. If I don’t stop this evil tonight, what sort of Tartarus on Equis will we look forward to? Ocellus, bring out your Ripple of Evil.” The lights dimmed; Spike flew back to his high desk as the club members cheered on for their favorite part of the show. Ocellus stepped into the spotlight in the center of the crystal chamber. “If we continue to celebrate Hearts and Hooves Day, it will spread further anger among the stallions from their injustice. After years of being destitute from buying expensive gifts, putting up cringing love-talk to their mares, and exhausted from being forced to perform three-hour-long bucking marathons – those poor stallions will have no choice but to start a revolution. At first, their protests would go unnoticed as they’re not being taken seriously until they give the run models of Rarity’s fashion shows a Molotov cocktail. The revolution will take a bloody turn as stallions fight against mares, throwing bombs of chocolates at one another, slash papercuts with their Hearts and Hooves cards, and the only couples left alive will battle to the death in a dildo fight.” Among the laughter, Spike smirked once the audience settled down enough for them to hear him. “Those… are the only fights I’m ever invited to. Silver, give us your vision of your personal Tartarus.” Ocellus stepped out of the spotlight to which Silverstream stepped in. “If the evils of the Friendship Journal fandom go unchecked, they would realize in fear that there will be no more sequels to their beloved book. And if there are no new stories to criticize, there’s no fandom. Forced with the prospect of ending their beloved craze, fans from across Equestria and the world would have to band together to storm Ponyville with suggestions and badly written fanfics where our teachers will be forced to act out. Soon, Twilight will pretend she doesn’t know what pizza is, or that Pinkie Pie and Applejack will have sex only to find out they’ve committed incest. But despite their sickest fanfictions acted out, other fans would be so disgusted, that they in turn would write fanfictions about each other, which they would force them to act out. In the end, the last fanfic writer would trigger the end of the world thanks to his story about Discord digesting a goat.” With the lights coming back on and the club members applauding, Spike banged on his gavel a few times as Silver returned to her bench. “Now we come to final arguments. Ocellus, is there anything you want to add before I make my final verdict?” “Yes, Your Honor.” Ocellus stood up and addressed the crowd. “The reason why Hearts and Hooves is the Root of All Evil is not only it’s set in the winter, not only is the date at the pinacol of the most depressing month of the year, and not only it’s still the flu season there – it’s evil because it is about six weeks after Hearths Warming. Do you know what goes through your penniless stallion’s mind when that happens? He thinks: ‘Are you kidding me? Didn’t I just buy you a splendid pile of crap?! I went through all the trouble for months to go through every store and market so I could get you everything your little heart desired. Not to mention that I’ve personally hoof-wrapped each and every one of them because I didn’t want that argument again! I did that so you wouldn't go, 'It's not a present unless you wrap it.' You said it was the most perfect Hearths Warming of your life. And now, six weeks later, you’ve grown the balls to come to me and say – it wasn’t enough?’ Gentlecolts, if that has happened to you, then you have every right to dump her. “I rest my case.” The audience, mostly the stallions, cheered at this as Ocellus took a bow before heading to her seat. “So Silver,” Spike turned to her, “anything you want to say before we end this?” Nodding, Silverstream got up to address the club members. “It should be noted, that at its height when they have gathered together in Ponyville when they confronted the ponies in the journal to accuse them of the crime of being these flawed individuals, our teachers sang that they weren’t perfect to begin with. And yet, despite them making that point loud and clear, what did this fandom learned? ‘Dear Princess Celestia, we didn’t learn a thing! We were right all along! Sure, the most interesting characters are often flawed and could only be relatable in how they deal with their fears, insecurities, and demons. But you know what? We’re pretty much perfect as we are, and it is they that need to be more like us.’ In closing, the only thing that these fans of the Journal of Friendship seemed to have missed the mark on – it is in friendship. Thank you.” Silver sat down as the audience applauded her. Spike banged his gavel. “Alright, I’ve heard enough. It’s time for my Final Verdict. “On the one claw, Hearts and Hooves day is a one-sided holiday where mares get all the good stuff while leaving the stallions with the bill. On the other, the Friendship Journal fans have deliberately committed the biggest sin that this court recognizes – it made Rarity cry! However, the day of love shows its true colors when the popular ponies get all sorts of love letters, and for me to have none. Considering that Twilight tends to get shipped by everyone under the sun – including the sun itself! But the Friendship Journal fiasco had left me out as the true author, thereby having your teachers getting everything and leaving me squat. Seriously, does Twilight or Starlight think that I’m still not upset by this? “Hearts and Hooves is a day that – although flawed – tries to celebrate what’s most enduring. It intends to capture all the things that are good in the world by trying to be the best one can be with the one they care about. Something that none of these fans of the Friendship Journal could ever say! “Therefore, I rule that the Root of All Evil is… The Friendship Journal Fans!” Spike declared, striking his gavel. The club members roared in applause. Silverstream fist-pumps her talons in the air while Ocellus clopped her hooves politely. Spike banged on his gavel several times until the crystal chamber was silent. “And I sentence these fans to never get so much as a card on Hearts and Hooves Day, and instead have all the sweets, flowers, and cards be delivered to me. My court is adjourned!” With a final strike, the show was over. Spike got up from his high desk while Silverstream and Ocellus shook hooves.