''Captain's Log: we're approaching the specimen in an attempt to catch her, in the name of science and for the sake of proving Prank Master titles and whom should wear The Badge of Bragging Rights in a fight for the funniest. Should we fail, I must embark on a path of humiliation to satisfy my right-wing mare, Lieutenant Skittles. If we don't return, tell my wife I said ''Hello'','' You spoke in yet another narrator-style voice, holding a hand up to your face to mimic holding a voice recorder.
You were never a fan of Star Trek, nor have you actually watched the show, but you heard yourself saying it in the voice of Patrick Stewart. You don't know why you were doing this, but it was fun to lose and pretend. After all, you had this sneaking sensation in your gut telling you that making that bet with Rainbow Dash was a big mistake. All you could do was hope nobody had a camera at the ready to catch you in the moment, forever immortalising your shame and embarrassment somewhere on the wall in a golden frame where all could see it.
''What're you doing?'' Dash asked from beside you. ''Are you thinking of giving up already?''
''No!'' You said quickly. ''I mean...no. No, I'm not giving up until I have the rare Pinkus Pius on a silver platter!'' You said confidently, but Rainbow gave you a sly smirk and it instantly melted through your facade. ''Okay, fine, I'm maybe a bit scared. That mare, that thing...it scares me.''
''Ha, I thought so!'' She punched you on the shoulder from where she was hovering. ''You know, you could still throw in the towel right now and get the bet over with...''
''Never!'' You said a bit dramatically. ''I will have my pink pony if it's the last thing this human does!'' You proclaimed.
It was then that you felt something drip down the back of your neck. Something cold and icy. You wiped the back of your neck with your palm and looked at it. You were perplexed for a moment, but then looked up in time to see a sight that both terrified you and put you in a state of awe simultaneously.
Pinkie Pie was hovering above you, riding a dual-propellor candy cane-coloured hovercraft. With a large bucket in her hooves. Grinning right down into your terrified soul.
''Dear god...'' You muttered.
''Hi, Dom!'' She waved heavily and unnaturally fast down at you. ''This is a bucket!'' She then poured it down over you in a swift motion. ''And I nominated you for the ice bucket challenge!''
''Wha---AHH!'' You shrieked when you felt a thousand knives stab and pierce all over your body with a frostiness that was so bitter it burned. Your clothes were instantly drenched and you clasped your arms over each other instinctively to retain some warmth.
To add insult to injury, Pinkie Pie then dropped the bucket directly onto your head, instantly darkening your vision and cutting off the rest of the world around you. You were now cold, numb and blind. You still heard Pinkie's strange hovercraft's propellors whisking about in the wind, which was somehow more terrifying now that you couldn't see her but only hear her. Pinkie gave a girly giggle.
''I'm keeping the bucket,'' You said, voice quivering from the chills coursing through your body. ''You're so evil!''
''Hehe,'' She giggled innocently. ''That's alright, I've got plenty more stashed around town in case of bucket emergencies,'' She told you. ''Anyway, I've got to get going! It's still my shift at the bakery and there's a bunch of hungry ponies waiting for their order! Bye-eeee!''
''Oh, that girl is so done...'' You grumbled. ''How did she do that without us hearing her coming?'' You turned your head to where you assumed Rainbow was. ''Rainbow?''
''Yeah, yeah, I'm here,'' Dash's voice said. ''I told you it was a stupid idea. Come here,'' You felt pressure on the sides of the bucket around your face and you felt Dash give it a strong heave. It came off with some doing and created a metallic popping sound. Dash's face was the first thing to fill your vision. You noticed she was bone dry.
''Oh, sure, only soak me and not my accomplice!'' You shouted to the skies, knowing that your opponent was going to hear you. ''That's just selective pranking, Pinkie! You can't pick your friends in a prank war!'' For emphasis, you shook your fist in the air like some old grandpa.
''Hey, there's something in here,'' Rainbow Dash said upon inspecting the bucket. She peered inside of it and gave whatever she was staring at a curious expression. You took the bucket from her and you inspected it. When you looked into the bucket, you noticed a piece of card stuck to the bottom of it.
It was a party invitation. However, instead of an RSVP card, it was used to write a different message in pink crayon. It read,
First to three pranks wins!
Love, Pinkie Pie!PS: You should really plan more quietly. And kiss Rainbow Dash already! 😉
She actually put a smiley face sticker on the end. Is there ANYWHERE that's safe from her hearing range?! How else could she know these things? What, if she can appear on a hovercraft without you hearing, then how were you able to tell if she was listening to a conversation at any time?
''Well, what does it say?'' Rainbow Dash asked you, and you glanced up from the bucket into her magenta eyes. You glanced between her warm eyes to the card a couple of times and you knew she wanted an answer, very curious and eagerly awaiting a response.
''N-Nothing!'' You said quickly, pulling it out of the bucket, some of the glue holding it in place still sticking to the back. You quickly stuffed it into your pocket. ''Just Pinkie wishing us good luck in the prank war and saying the first one to five pranks wins. That's all,'' You said in the most unbelievable, obviously forced smile ever.
Rainbow Dash wasn't that stupid. Of course she saw right through it and didn't believe you. Her magenta eyes narrowed at you and she spoke softly, ''Dom, show me the card.''
''Uh...'' You began lamely. ''N-No. I, um---ACHOO!'' You sneezed violently. It was so forceful your entire body shuddered and mucus shot out of your nose, causing Dash to quickly dart to one side to avoid the sticky, slimy loogie ball.
''Ew, dude!'' She reeled back in disgust.
''I-I...ACHOO!'' You fired yet another ball of hot snot out of your nose. ''D-Dashie, I...think I may have a cold,'' You said before suddenly getting frosty chills down your spine, tingling you down the the root of your nerves. ''D-D-Did it g-get c-c-cold aro-around here?"
''Oh, for...see, this is what you get for not listening to me!'' Rainbow Dash said in an annoyed tone. ''Come here, doofus, you're coming home with me. You need to hit the showers and get warm,'' She instructed, hovering beside you and wrapping a hoof under your arm, about to escort you back to your house where it was warm.
''S-Steady on, Da-Dashie. At l-least buy me a dr-drink first,'' You stuttered out, hoping to charm her. However, your actions were not rewarded with a blushing cyan mare, but rather one who rolled her eyes, gave a hefty sigh and one who roughly dragged you along.
''Not the time,'' Dash said. ''Keep your mouth shut and try not to sneeze all over me, alright?''
''Aw, why n-not? Then w-we could sho-shower together!''
She dragged you along even harder, pulling along your shoes on the dirt path. She mumbled something unintelligible beneath her breath and you swore you saw a gentle blush rise to her cheeks for but a moment.
''Just shut up, Dom,'' Is all she said and nothing else. Once you were home, she was going to shove you into the shower, get you warm and then you were going to get back on track with hunting the very mysterious Pinkus Pius.
*** *** ***
The following day, you had been scheming in your head how you were going to go about catching the elusive Pinkus Pius. She was good, too good, at both knowing your schemes unbeknownst to you and finding a way to hijack her way into slipping through them. Some creative thinking was required to accomplish success.
Pinkie Pie, regardless of her mysterious nature, was going to be yours! Or you will face the very embarrassing, very unwilling consequences, which were sure to result in endless ribbing from Rainbow Dash.
To actively prank this mare with an all-seeing eye and all-knowing ''Pinkie Sense'', as Dash called it, trying to catch her would be a tough challenge. And so, that left you with Rainbow Dash during the early hours of the afternoon. You had a light case of the sniffles with thanks to being doused in icy water, but you were still going strong. You had to remember to ask how she knew about the ice bucket challenge when she can't have known about it being a thing in an entirely different universe. It made no sense!
You were looking over your shoulder more often, after Rainbow mentioned she could be anywhere at any given time. She blended in in ways you wouldn't be able to imagine. She may as well be part-chameleon. Right now, you were hiding in the bushes (once again) and scouting, studying this fascinating product of nature. A very intriguing creature, indeed.
''Captain's Log, day after war agreement: I'm hiding in the bushes with Lieutenant Skittles, observing from a safe distance this phenomenal creature full of mysterious nature, the Pinkus Pius. A working theory: judging from the vibrant pink colour of this being, perhaps she is made of and tastes like bubblegum? An earlier and unrelated experiment clarified that Lieutenant Skittles does indeed taste a bit like a red Skittle,'' You lowered your hand for a moment, putting down your mock voice recorder, to smirk beside you at Rainbow Dash, who gave you a stick of her tongue. You suppressed a chuckle at her reaction and went back to your log.
''Pinkus Pius approaches! Standing by for further, valuable research notes!'' You watched as your target entered your sights. There she is, in her natural habitat about maybe thirty-odd meters in front of you.
Pinkie Pie was in the market, wearing her saddle bags and doing her weekly shopping routine for general groceries and party supplies. At least, that's what you guessed from the stalls she was visiting - Party Favour's Party Supply Emporium and General Goods Green Grocer. You were finding a way in which you could catch her out. It was going to have to be well-thought out and perfectly executed.
''Are there any metre-long golden silk streamers ready yet?'' You heard her ask in the distance. You didn't hear the shop owner's reply, having being too focused upon her.
''So, the party pony likes streamers, does she?" You thought out loud. A scoff sounded next to you.
''No duh, Captain Oblivious,'' Rainbow said with a roll of her eyes. ''You know she's a party planner, right? As in, buying streamers is a part of what she does?''
''Hey, don't be a smartass, Skittle Bomb, it's for research purposes! Got to look legit, you know!'' You then blinked a few times and another fiendish thought popped into your head. ''Hmm, now I'm wondering if you taste more like Skittles or more like Smarties. Maybe I'll have to---''
''If you so much as lick me or put your mouth anywhere on my body, I'll use you as a trampoline! Got it?'' She warned with a raised hoof.
''Alright, alright, simmer down, hothead,'' You knocked her shoulder lightly. ''Not looking for any more bruises to add to my collection.''
''Good. Now, I hope you've got a better plan to catch her than burning a bag of Winona's leavings this time,'' Rainbow stated, eager to know the plan.
''Oh, ye of little faith, my fair mare!'' You said in a mock hurt tone. If she gets me two more times, I'm done. If I can get her once in those two remaining times, then we're set for glory!'' You announced, but Dash looked non-plussed by your motivational speech.
''Isn't your head getting a bit too big?'' She said dully.
''Speak for yourself,'' You grinned.
Rainbow Dash glared at you softly, raised a hoof slowly, opened her mouth a couple of times but then closed it. She faltered her appearance and hung her head for a moment, averting her gaze off to the side in defeat for a good comeback.
''Touché,'' Is all she said.
''Hey, where'd she go?'' You asked, gazing around the marketplace and having missed sight of Pinkie. ''Oh, for...! She got away!'' You said. ''Where is my Pinkus Pius?!''
You got out of the bushes and you stood up straight, glancing around in every direction to scout her whereabouts. You found that she was nowhere in sight. Not near the party supply stand, not by the green grocer, not by the quills and sofas shop, not even near the bakery. She had vanished entirely!
''Oh, fantastic! She got away, Rainbow! All because you were being too cute!'' You said, and Dash came crawling out of the bushes with an angry, heated expression on her face.
''I'm not cute!'' She glowered at you. ''What is it with you and calling me cute no matter what I do?! What if I called you cute as often?'' You blinked at her with a smile.
''Then I'd be okay with it,'' You stated simply. She growled quietly and you smiled wider. She glared harder at you. You were pleased.
''Not. The. Time,'' She said slowly with a blush.
''Enough of this, where did she go?" You wandered around the market this time, hoping to pick her out of the crowd. She was a neon pink pony in a sea of equally bright-coloured ponies, but she was the brightest hue out of any of them, so how hard could she possibly be to locate? It was then that you decided to go up to the party supply stand and ask the mare running it.
She was a seafoam green-coloured young mare with pastel pink eyes and a white-light pink striped mane. She was actually pretty cute, but you wouldn't tell Dashie that. She might get jealous. Upon arriving in front of her stand, she gazed up at you with a sweet smile.
''Can I help you?'' She asked in a soft and playful voice, kinda like if Pinkie and Fluttershy's vocal cords crossbred. It made the cuteness factor greater.
''Have you seen Pinkie Pie? She was here a second ago and now she's not. Do you know where she went?''
''Pinkie Pie?'' Her eyes widened and brightened. ''Oh, so you're the one she kept mentioning to me! It sounds like you've got your work cut out for you, mister!'' She said sweetly, apparently all-knowing on why you were searching for Pinkie. You raised your brow at her.
''Oh, so she's told you about that, has she?'' You asked. ''Well, I'd appreciate it if you kept it on the down-low. She can't know I was here or what I'm up to, but I can't afford to lose this bet,'' You explained before you glanced behind your shoulder at Rainbow Dash, motioning to her. ''See that mare over there?'' The party mare glanced over.
''Uh-huh, you mean the rainbow-maned mare?''
''Yeah, her - listen, I can't lose this bet I have with her. She's my best friend and I can't risk what'll happen if I lose this prank war with Pinkie Pie. I only agreed to it to make her feel better. She kinda hates me at the moment, so I want her to at least be happy when this is over,'' You explained to her, unsure of why you were telling this stranger about your deeply-secured feelings for Rainbow Dash. ''So, can you help? Like, give me an idea of how I can catch Pinkie Pie while the clock's still ticking?''
This party mare gazed sweetly at you and her cherry blossom-coloured eyes were shimmering brightly. She appeared touched by your sentiment, and you could swear that you saw a watery gleam in the corner of her eyes. She wiped it away with a hoof and continued to gaze up at you with a warm expression and compassionate eyes.
''Aw, that's really sweet, mister. You really care about her, don't you?'' She inquired, and you felt yourself blush lightly.
''Yes, I do, but don't let her know that. I can't say anything to her because she thinks I'm the village idiot,'' You said with a roll of your eyes, a little saddened inside upon admitting that. ''Well, that hurt my pride,'' You muttered beneath your breath. Your delicate, delicate ego is now wounded. All because of a magical, flying horse.
''I'm sure she doesn't think so in all reality. She's probably just as shy as you are, mister. Is she...your marefriend?'' She asked cautiously but not without an ounce of sensitivity upon inquiring such a personal question. Your eyes widened slightly.
''What?!'' You blinked. ''No...y-yes, I mean no, I...sort of? In a sense, I guess?'' You said. You hadn't really thought upon it too much. You were good, close friends. There weren't any indications of any other goings on in your relationship outside of that realm.
''I think you know the answer, mister. You both do. You're probably both afraid of opening up to each other, that's all. If she cares about you, as I'm sure she does from how you talk about her, then there's nothing to worry about,'' The stall owner told you confidently.
You stared at this mare for a moment, examining her as to why she seemed so interested in your relationship with your Skittle-haired friend. It wasn't a regular thing to be inquired upon it, but you thought only close friends might pick up on any details any other pony would miss. You were both close and very good friends in spite of the bickering all day long, but what was her angle?
''Why are you asking me this? Better yet, why am I telling you all of this?'' You asked her, and it was then that this sweet mare's very sweet and sincere smile turned into a grin.
''Because, silly, I know you!'' That voice...
In a swift and unnaturally quick motion, a zip pulled out, somehow appearing from the rump of the pony towards the back of their neck, before the skin of the mare in front of you dropped and sagged onto the floor. You couldn't have been more terrified but also shocked when Pinkie Pie popped out from inside the suit. She stood there, still grinning at you.
''Y-You!'' You hopped on the spot, startled and almost hyperventilating out of surprise and shock. You had just told all of that to Pinkie Pie?! So, she knew?! ''H-How? How is this possible?!''
''It's a pony suit, silly,'' She giggled and tapped her mane, five bits falling from it and landing in her hoof before she turned to her side. ''Thanks, Sugar Streamer,'' She said to a mare, a carbon copy of the mare whom Pinkie had disguised herself as. She gladly took the bits from Pinkie and smiled at you, apparently also in on this joke.
''Oh, you're sick,'' You told her.
''No, I'm not, I feel healthy, like a nice, hot bowl of oats with milk!'' Pinkie licked her lips at the thought. She then saw how heated your expression was, how much the shock had flooded onto your face and lightly reddened your cheeks. She giggled at you and patted your head like a good dog. ''Don't feel bad, Dommie. I have friends all over town, so it's easy to have a good time!'' She said reassuringly. She then took out the cherry blossom-coloured eye contacts. Her baby blue eyes were more sparklier with glee now you could see them properly.
''Don't tell Rainbow, Pinkie, please, I'm begging you...'' You began to plead. Pinkie gave you a surprisingly understanding look, but also with a hint of disappointment or worry. You couldn't tell which one it was.
''Don't worry, your secret is safe with me,'' She said. ''But why don't you tell her already? If I know, then I'm sure others know by now, Dommie,'' She said with a sly smile. That gave you nervous goosebumps. ''Just tell her!''
''I-I can't Pinkie! You know that!'' You said defensively, forcing your voice down to a hushed whisper over fear of Rainbow catching wind of the conversation.
''You seem to like her, mister, and she likes you too, so why not talk to her about it?'' Sugar Streamers chimed in with her own input, if this even was the real Sugar Streamers.
''Considering if you're a real mare and not one in a costume, then I'm not interested,'' You said. The seafoam green mare giggled at you.
''I'm as real as sweet cinnamon in a bowl of porridge,'' She said. Okay, now you were getting hungry for oats. Ponies talk about it like they put it on a golden pedestal every morning to appease Celestia in the same manner kids leave cookies out with a glass of milk for Santa. ...Okay, now you wanted cookies with cold milk. This conversation was driving you insane.
''Arg, stop talking about food!'' Your stomach audibly grumbled. ''Great,'' You muttered.
''Aw, sorry if your tummy liked the sound of a bowl of oats, Dom. Tell ya what, why don't we take a break from this prank war and I'll get you and Dashie a bowl of oats at Sugarcube Corner. What do you say?'' She offered with that irresistible smile of hers, giving you that motherly and caring expression that managed to melt a part of your heart.
''Dom! Hey, what're you doing over there?'' Rainbow Dash's voice was heard along with her hoofsteps as she drew closer, and you flinched momentarily at the sound of her impatient tone. You had actually forgotten she was there in the heat of the moment.
''You've been standing there for ages! What's going on, exactly?'' She asked, semi-annoyed. She saw Pinkie Pie in front of you, raised a brow and then turned to gaze up into your eyes. ''I thought you came out here to win a bet, not win the gold medal for longest conversation ever!'' She snorted.
For once, you didn't feel like making a solid comeback at her. The shock (and hunger) reeling in your mind and gut were far too distracted busying your thoughts with relieving famishment. All this talk of food had made you realise that you hadn't eaten much of anything for a bit over a day. It was taking its toll on you, your stomach shrivelling up like a sun-dried raisin and begging for sustenance.
''Pinkie offered us both some late breakfast at Sugarcube Corner,'' You explained. ''I don't know about you, Dashie, but I really need a break from all this pranking and planning. And I really need to eat something before I pass out.''
''Ugh,'' Rainbow Dash groaned and headed off towards the bakery. She nudged you on the way passed you, swishing her tail gently around your leg as she did so. She didn't sound or look too happy for some reason. She never once looked back at you. In your heart, you felt it give a pang of hurt. With her, it was hard to tell if she was sad, happy or angry. Sap-hangry? Maybe that's a word for it?
Pinkie Pie and Sugar Streamers panned their heads slowly from Rainbow's gloomy and stormy exit to you, and you looked right back at them with a dull expression.
''Somepony's in the dumps!'' Pinkie Pie said.
''Don't, Pinkie,'' You hushed her. ''Just...don't.''
''Wow, mister, she seemed really fed up. Was it something we said?'' Sugar asked.
''No, probably not,'' You said.
''Oh, and Dommie? This counts as a prank! The next one's for the win!'' Pinkie said in a sing-song voice.
''Not the time, Pinkie. Not the time at all,'' You said dully. ''Can we maybe do this another time? I think I need a word with Rainbow Dash over those oats you promised. Please? No more pranks until we've sorted this whole mess out?'' You asked tiredly, desire for oaty goodness automatically possessing your feet to direct you towards the front door of the bakery.
''Pinkie Promise, I won't prank again until you and Dashie sort your issues out,'' She performed her signature moves, the sacred Pinkie Promise cupcake-in-eye gestures. You didn't say anything else as she guided you towards the bakery.
You had a good idea of why Rainbow was so fed up with you, whether it was anger or sadness, but you were hoping this bet would cheer her up. As much as you liked teasing her, seeing her sad caused you emotional pain that eventually gets too hard to mask. Whatever was bothering her, you were hoping she was in a willing enough mood to open up to you. Otherwise, you might lose more than just a bet today: you might lose your best friend.