“She’s gone!”
The words would echo in her mind whenever she thought back to this day. It was the last thing she had heard from her former best friend; the last line of a life she had left behind. A life she had… chosen to leave behind.
It hadn’t been an easy choice to make. The months… the years that lay behind her had taken her emotions; her mind, and her ideology for a rollercoaster ride. Ever since leaving Stable Two; following after the mare she loved, things had gone… beyond crazy.
Really, she couldn't tell whether it was due to the recent tampering with her memories, or because her mind simply tried its best to forget, but most of the three and a half years that lay behind her were a hazy blur. She was sure that, if she were to sit down and focus, she would remember quite a bit more, but truth be told, she just... couldn't.
The years that lay behind her were full of darkness, anger, and simple maliciousness. The pony she had been then wasn’t a pony she had ever wanted to be, and most certainly a pony she wouldn’t want to become again.
No, she had come to the conclusion that, for now, the best she could do was bury those memories, and all the emotions associated with them, on a landfill. Bury them somewhere, until she saw herself fit to face the pony she used to be.
For now, however…
She raised her head in her monotonous trot as a settlement became visible in the distance, one of many small towns established in the Equestrian Wasteland after the bombs fell.
For now she was quite content living the life of a stranger… an outcast. A nameless mare wandering the seemingly endless vasts of the Equestrian Wasteland, looking for… something.
What she was searching for, she really didn’t know. Redemption? No. No, she was far beyond ever being redeemed; this much she had already concluded for herself. The things she had done; the atrocities she had committed in her earlier life, were beyond anything other ponies, and even less so herself, would ever be able to forgive.
The mare lowered her head as she slowly walked into the small settlement, the streets mostly devoid of life in the afternoon heat, and her green eyes looked around, seeking for a place to find refuge from the cruel outside environment.
She had been… a terrible pony. A slaver. A murderer. A ruiner of lives. The bane of the Misty Hills Correctional Facility.
A shudder ran down her spine as the name echoed in her head, the pre-war prison that had served as her home still bringing up tons and tons of memories.
No. No, it had been more than a home. It had been her passion project; her calling; her own little empire where she, and she alone would reign supreme over-
She shook her head. Furiously.
No, these really weren’t the kind of thoughts she should be thinking. What she’d done there… was bad. Terrible, in fact. She’d been a terrible pony during those times, and there was no way she would-
The gray unicorn mare once again had to cut that train of thought, too many voices in her head wanting to speak at once; a war being waged in her psyche as one side seemed convinced that she’d done terrible things and should seek forgiveness, while the other side continued to argue, time and time again, that despite everything, she had had a good time. She had enjoyed it.
And wasn’t that all that counts?
She clenched her teeth, once again shaking her head as she stopped in front of what appeared to be the small town’s saloon - a place that promised entertainment, distractions, but most importantly… booze.
The mare gave a soft, shameful sigh as she lowered herself on one of the bar stools, a glass of high-percentage liquor in front of her.
After quite literally going through hell from Party Time Mint-al withdrawal all those years ago, she had sworn to herself that she would never… never ever touch drugs again. A promise she had managed to upkeep even during her days as a slaver; and a promise she had broken only after being taken back to Tenpony Tower by her friends. After…
The mare sighed and took a long swig from the liquid in her glass, memories getting the better of her again.
She remembered waking up on a surgical table of sorts. Instinctively, she wanted to throw punches, to thrash around and free herself, but was horrified to see that all her limbs had been tied down. Just as she wanted to use her magic to break free, she froze as she saw the painfully familiar face of a dark gray unicorn mare standing by the table to her side.
Homage.
Even now, she remembered her name.
“I’m sorry, love.” Homage had spoken, her words indeed full of pain. “Please… we want to help you.”
What happened next was…
She flinched as she clutched her glass, keeping her head low.
It still caused her headaches.
She hadn’t read too deeply into memory orb-science, but if what her friends had told her afterwards was true, they had somehow managed to… what, extract all their memories, and display them to her. Showing her the hardships they went through to find her upon her disappearance all those years ago. The sadness, the frustration they faced as they came to the conclusion that she had run away. And of course…
This part had been particularly hard for her to endure.
The absolute nightmare all four of them had gone through after falling into her grip; serving their days as slaves to the Grand Mistress of Misty Hills.
When she woke up, she… felt overwhelmed, to say the least. Her head was ringing, once again thousands of voices seeming to speak at once, the mare herself seeing herself faced with two fundamentally opposing emotions and ideologies.
She felt sad, angry, ashamed… and lost. She managed to stumble a few shaky steps, before falling into Homage’s embrace, an passing out again.
Awakening a second time had felt less insane, though her head was still spinning from all the thoughts running through her mind, the mare feeling all sorts of things, though most notably… embarrassed She felt embarrassed beyond belief being face to face with the ponies that had been her primary point of focus for the past years - first as her best friends and pseudo-family, then as vilified traitors who wanted nothing but to see her suffer as much as possible.
Really, it’d been too much for her to handle at first, and it had taken a solid week of slowly bringing some order into her mind and talking to her friends, one by one, to hear their side of the story. Starting with Homage, who -despite everything- she still trusted the most, followed by SteelHooves, Calamity, until…
She swallowed, almost choking on her drink as she saw Velvet Remedy’s face in front of herself again. The face she had loved for the better half of her life, only for it to fall from grace, and become the target for most, if not all of her aggressions during her slaver days. The mare that had made her leave her stable in the first place. The mare that had done her best to show her a pacifist way. The mare that had so shamelessly betrayed her trust all those years ago. The mare that had gone through her own personal hell facing just that decision. The mare she had sworn to kill single-handedly… and almost succeeded.
The mare chewed on her lip, memories of Velvet still making her very much uncomfortable. She… couldn't say that she had forgiven her. What would have happened if Velvet had chosen a more diplomatic approach to solving her drug-problem was only for the goddesses to know, and if anything perhaps it was her turn to apologize to Velvet, seeing how… well…
She drew in a long breath.
No.
No, this was all still too much. Even now, two months after she had left her friends in Tenpony Tower, it still felt far too fresh to think about the whole ordeal from an objective point of view. A reasoning she had explained to her friends, along with the resolution to leave them - at least for the time being.
Maybe this resolution had come to be based on the fact that she still very much admired her friends for keeping up the Good Fight, and in turn simply didn’t consider herself heroic enough to be fighting alongside them anymore.
Or maybe the years of anger and vilifying her companions had left deeper marks than originally expected, leaving her with a still deeply-rooted anger towards her friends, and making her deliberately seek distance from them, so as to prevent herself from suddenly relapsing, and potentially turning against them in the heat of the moment.
Either way, right now she had made up her mind, and come to the conclusion that it would be the best for all parties involved if she would split up from her former friends, and live a life as a loner out in the wasteland.
Needless to say, that proposal met little approval among her friends, especially Homage, who was far from happy with the thought of losing her loved one once again. However, to her surprise it had been Calamity who had spoken up for letting her go, arguing that strapping her down now might only make things worse.
Whether that fear was justified or not neither of them would know, though she did appreciate that, one by one, her friends saw the merit in Calamity’s words, and agreed to let her be on her own for the time being. Though especially Homage wouldn’t let her leave without the promise of return once she had ‘come to her senses’. A promise she made, though wasn’t sure if she could keep it.
Truth be told…
Another swig of the alcoholic liquid went down her throat.
She didn’t know if she would ever return. She knew that, even if she would go back now and pretend like none of this ever happened, things just wouldn’t be the same anymore. No matter what her friends said, no matter their kind words, the things they experienced; the things she did… it hung over them like a dark thundercloud. And until that cloud had cleared, it just seemed like the most reasonable decision was to stay away as far from each other as possible.
It was… sad, in a way. She would be lying to say that part of her didn’t miss those ponies. And god knows if she were given the chance to turn back time…
She leaned forward against the counter, looking at her almost empty glass of booze, sorrow welling up in her eyes.
She… she wouldn’t hesitate one second.
The mare closed her eyes, tears welling up and slowly running down her cheeks.
But it was too late, wasn’t it? What was done couldn't be undone. Now the best thing she could do was pick up the pieces… and move on. And face who she really was.
She pushed herself up from the counter, clutching her glass again.
But… who was that?
She’d been called a lot of things in her life - hero, monster, lightbringer, demon, savior, freak. None of those words seemed appropriate. Or perhaps all of them were to an extent.
She most certainly had had the potential of becoming a hero. There most certainly had been ponies with great expectations for her.
And yet…
She shook her head, raising her glass one last time and downing the remaining liquor in it, before pushing herself back to her hooves.
No, she wasn’t an idol. Neither was she an angel, or let alone a saint. She had done horrible things in her life, and she was sure, no matter what her friends told her, any potential she had to save the wasteland was long gone now.
That was… that was just the way things were.
She gave a heavy sigh, dropping a few caps on the counter as she made her way towards the exit of the establishment.
She’d be walking alone - for now, possibly forever.
Maybe one of these days she would finally come to terms with the fact that, while she had done unspeakable things to innocent ponies in the past, the past was the past, and she would spend the rest of her life working on redeeming herself; being a better pony… hell, maybe helping to save the wasteland after all.
Or maybe she would simply succumb to the demons haunting her mind, turning towards an even more savage lifestyle, ending up as one of the many raiders tormenting the Equestrian Wasteland. It… did seem tempting, just giving up on everything, and living a life free from any and all moral and ethic inhibitions.
But she quickly shook her head, placing a hoof on one of the swinging doors that would lead her back outside.
No.
No, she hadn’t sunk this far yet. That wasn’t to say that she wouldn’t be sinking this far eventually, but for now…
She took in a long breath as she looked to her right, past the limits of the small settlement, and towards the horizon where an unknown fate was awaiting her.
It was time to keep moving.