"Twi..."
...Eh?
"...ight..."
...Is somepony there?
My dreams took a dark turn. I saw nothing but an eigengrau blackness once again, but I could swear I could hear somepony trying to call out to me.
"...Twi..."
"...ight..."
I'm here... Where are you...? Where are you...?! Hey...!
But no matter what I did, I could not find them.
I tried to move; my legs and wings felt like fragile glass. I tried to use my magic; my head burned and vibrated and unleashed an inner light so blinding that the nothingness became white. I tried to call out to whoever was out there; only silent screams left my throat.
The voice calling out to me, it felt familiar and yet inconversant at the same time. It floated around like a ghost above and below and all around me, never echoing from quite the same place twice. Yet as I heard it and tried in vain to pin it down, I felt a growing sense of dread deep within me, and I didn't know why. I even tried to wake up, tried to open my eyes, but the mystery of the voice pulled my consciousness deeper.
And then, just as soon as I had realized it - it was all over.
~
*ding dong, bing bong*
"Goooood morning, everyone! It is now 7am and Nighttime is officially over! Time to rise and shine! Get ready to greet another beee-yutiful day!"
Yet another identical wake up from Monokuma. For a moment I wondered if that damnable bear had set this alarm to run automatically while he slept in, but the instant rising of the sun reminded me that he probably enjoyed watching us suffer... not like we were all suffering already.
Fresh tears stung my eyes as yesterday's events forced their way into my mind. First Princesses Celestia and Luna, and now Rainbow Dash... all three of them were dead... Trixie, too. My heart felt as if it were replaced by an empty pit, and my body felt cold and numb.
What was going to become of the rest of us? How would Equestria survive without its Princesses, without one of its Elements of Harmony? How would anything ever be right or okay again? This wasn't how we were all going to die... was it?
...Damn it, Rainbow... you weren't supposed to kill anypony... you weren't supposed to die...!
I realized that my tears had turned to loud, hysterical sobbing, and I grimaced as I slapped my own cheek, shaking the sting away. Focus, Twilight. I needed to be strong, needed to keep a clear head until the rest of us had escaped to safety. Mourning would simply have to wait until then.
Although I felt like I never wanted to eat again, I got up from bed and dried my face before leaving for the cafeteria. I needed to see the others... the rest of my friends.
~
I could hear Fluttershy's quiet sobs as I entered the cafeteria. I sniffled as I grabbed a simple glass of water and made my way to the table. Discord had Fluttershy in his coiled lap, gently stroking her head and holding her close. Pinkie Pie's mane was pin-straight as she stared woefully into her usual pile of breakfast pastries, while Rarity rubbed her back while trying in vain to keep her mascara from running. Sitting slightly further away from the group was Applejack, whose bloodshot eyes and dour expression suggested that she hadn't slept at all last night. She silently drained a mug of coffee in one go, adding it to the small collection of four empty mugs beside her.
"Never should've gone to bed..." Pinkie whimpered. "Should've... s-stayed up all night p-playing..."
"Oh, darling... how were we to know what would happen that night...?" Rarity sniffled at a decidedly unladylike volume.
"Don't blame yerself... she wouldn't've wanted that..." Applejack rasped, almost robotically. Before I could say anything, my ears flicked as I heard more ponies approaching. Nurse Redheart soon appeared, stoic as always, followed by a sympathetic Coloratura who immediately sat down beside Applejack.
"Good morning," Redheart greeted before abruptly stopping herself. "...No, there's nothing good about this morning, is there...?"
"N... N-No!" Pinkie wailed, tears spraying out of her eyes like some kind of fountain. Next walked in Bulk Biceps and Flam, sorrow also stained on their faces. Lightning Dust fluttered in as they sat down at the table, sighing deeply as she took a place beside them.
"...Fuck... I don't know what to say to you guys, other than I'm sorry," she finally spoke after a few moments. "I'm sorry this all happened-"
"You should be!" Applejack suddenly shouted angrily, startling Lightning. "This is all yer fault! Rainbow'd be alive right now if it weren't fer you!"
"It's not her fault," Redheart affirmed, meeting Lightning's remorseful gaze. "Trixie was the one who plotted a murder, and, ultimately... Monokuma made her do it."
"What's done has been done, I'm afraid," Flam nodded solemnly. "But we must remember that that wretched ursine is behind all of our misery!"
"I can't... I c-can't take it anymore..." Fluttershy cried. "We haven't found any way out, and help's probably not going to come..."
"Well, perhaps there will be something on the third floor that can aid us!" he replied.
"Oh, right... now that another trial has happened, the barrier should be gone..." Coloratura frowned.
"Sure feels like we're being rewarded for death, doesn't it...?" Redheart sighed in resignation. Before anypony else could speak next, however...
*boing!*
...The aforementioned wretched ursine suddenly dropped down from the ceiling and landed on the table. Despite the surprise, though, nopony really reacted.
"Monokuma... could you please not, today...?" Applejack sighed.
"Oh! I don't need everyone's usual reactions," Monokuma grinned. "It's almost halftime, so the stats should be out soon for everyone to obsess over... and since you guys overcame the class trial, I figured I'd give you all a wonderful prize!"
But other than Pinkie uttering that she didn't want the prize under her breath, nopony broke the silence.
"...I said, I figured I'd give you all a wonderful prize!" Monokuma repeated louder.
"Man, fuck your prize! Can't you see we're not in the mood?!" Lightning growled.
"We know what it is, anyway," Flam added. "Access to the third floor, am I correct?"
"...D'oh," Monokuma's expression fell. "And here I was all ready to wow you with that knowledge. You ponies sure catch on faster than my previous students did."
"We should go," Redheart spoke up, ignoring Monokuma. "While I must admit we may not find anything that can help us, a change of scenery is beneficial to lifting one's mood."
"Even better, we'll get the hell away from this bear faster," nodded Lightning. With that she quickly flew out of the cafeteria, soon followed by Flam, Bulk and Redheart. At this point Fleur finally appeared, looking much like nothing vaguely traumatic had happened at all recently.
"Oh, is breakfast already over? Where are you lot going?" she asked brusquely.
"Third floor," Lightning muttered.
"Ah..." Fleur then sighted Monokuma on the table and scowled. "I suppose I'd rather tag along than spend another moment with... that." Turning up her muzzle, she left as well.
"...C'mon, girls... Discord. Redheart's right," I sighed. Slowly my friends got up from their chairs and made their way after the others. Monokuma watched silently as the cafeteria emptied, his gleeful grin dripping with hidden malice.
~
The third floor of the School of Despair was decorated much like the others, the only difference being purple and teal lights shining from the lights above, bathing the hall in cool, calming colors. Oddly, it was the closest resemblance to my own school that I had seen yet.
Wait, no... this is my school... Monokuma took it from me... somehow.
Noticing Bulk wandering the halls on his own, I frowned - nopony had bothered to pair up before coming to this floor. Grief and gloom had made everypony disregard their usual caution. It was hard to blame them, though... even with the exciting prospect of exploration before me, I felt far too drained to feel such excitement. I was simply going through the motions.
I took a deep breath and exhaled it slowly, then set off. I had started at the staircase closest to the dormitory; the stairs leading further upward to the fourth floor were sealed with a barrier. Directly in front of me was a pair of wooden doors that seemed less formal than the doors of the other classrooms. I opened them to discover what appeared to be a combination of a break room for staff and a recreational room for students. Couches and side tables lined two of the four walls, with the wall on the door side containing a few vending machines. The left wall held a large TV and a media player in the center, with a large set of shelves containing videos and magazines to its right. In the center of the room sat a billiards table, a Foosball table, an air hockey table and a table tennis set, arranged in a neat rectangular formation. Lining the very tops of the walls were shelves displaying a collection of fancy bottles made of colored glass, made to resemble liquor bottles, but a quick glance confirmed that they were all empty. Warm sunlight streamed in from the windows, forming bright rays where they weren't blocked by the blackout curtains.
Despite the niceness of the room, however... I felt my mood remain just as dark. I left with a sigh and turned to my left. The next room to the left was a simple empty classroom, but the door to the right led to a room filled with unease.
I walked inside, finding a Biology Laboratory. Immediately I was hit by an overpowering scent of bleach and chemicals. A few plain, black metal tables sat in the center, with a pair of matching chairs for each one. The wall with the door was lined with whiteboards and various charts of the generic pony body, while most of the other walls were covered in counters, cabinets and shelves. The counters held microscopes, centrifuges and many other esoteric devices that I couldn't really put a name or function to, while the cabinets and shelves held protective gear, empty syringes and dissection tools.
But what really caught my eye was in the far left corner of the room. Taking up a good fifteen feet on either side of the corner were large containers of dark metal that stuck out another six feet or so into the room. There were two rows of four small doors on each wall, small enough that one would have to crawl to have a chance of going inside. A quiet humming buzz emanated from them, and as I put a hoof to one of the doors, I recoiled as I found it was ice cold to the touch.
...Oh. Oh Celestia...!
My eyes widened in horror as I realized I was staring at a morgue. I shouted in alarm while backing away, clumsily tripping over myself in my haste to get away from it as quickly as possible. My heart began to race - as much as I wanted to run away from the sight I couldn't take my eyes off of it. Terrible thoughts flooded my mind... was this where the corpses of the deceased were being stored?
The blasted remnants of Chrysalis and Luna?
The partially-incinerated body of Celestia?
The suffocated cadaver of Trixie?
The crushed drippings of Rainbow Dash?
Their deaths replayed over and over in my head, one after the other and all at once. I squeezed my eyes shut as I covered my ears, grinding my teeth in anguish. I don't know how long I stayed there, lying on the floor, huddled into a ball.
But eventually, I felt a gentle touch on my back. In an instant, I snapped out of my visions and gazed up into Redheart's face.
"Twilight... are you alright?" she asked worriedly. I took a few quick, deep breaths to compose myself before answering.
"Y-Yea... I'll be a-alright..."
Redheart turned her head towards the morgue, staring at it like it had just insulted her. She sighed after a moment and turned back to me. "Yes... most ponies aren't accustomed to looking at one of those, huh? Hopefully its purpose is simply to hold specimens for dissection, but it wouldn't surprise me if that wasn't the case..."
I latched on to the alternate explanation frightfully quickly, nodding and shaking. "Yea... that's it... y-yea." I kept repeating the explanation in my mind, hoping it would stick.
Redheart frowned. "C'mon, let's get out of here. This room is clearly distressing to you."
I was all too happy to leave - I immediately got up and practically sprinted out the door, only stopping to make sure Redheart left as well. A goofy, irrational smile broke out on my face as she came into the hall and shut the door.
"Hm... perhaps I should accompany you for a while? Wouldn't want you to faint on me or something."
"That... would be great," I swallowed. Redheart nodded slightly and began further down the hallway. The next doors to the right were a pair of restrooms, then there was a final door on the left and the right.
Redheart turned to the door on the right first and opened it. Inside was a laboratory similar to the other one, except this one was devoted to Chemistry and Alchemy. The black tables each had a sink and a gas line installed. Over on the far wall was a large fume hood, a couple of eye-rinsing stations and even a small shower in case of a catastrophic accident. The left wall held more counters and cabinets, filled with hot plates, beakers, test tubes, protective gear and other such items. The right wall, however, was most interesting.
Shelves lined the entire right wall, and on those shelves were various containers. As I scanned over the contents, I realized that the shelves were painted in different colors, and that the containers all seemed to be color-coded. Red shelves held various types of vitamins, minerals, creatine and amino acids... nutritive supplements? The orange shelves held medicinal compounds, the yellow shelves held various elements - alkali and alkaline metals, halogens and even noble gases in hermetically-sealed metal canisters. And the green shelves all held alchemical reagents - the multitudes of dried plant matter, resinous substances and other ingredients I was all too familiar with.
But the blue shelves filled me with dread. All of the containers were small bottles of different poisons. Slow-acting, fast-acting, meant to be inhaled, injected, consumed or even simply applied to the body, all labeled very clearly with simple directions.
"Lovely. More of the mastermind's work, I see," Redheart muttered. Next to the blue shelves was a piece of paper tacked to the wall with Monokuma's face on it. Peering at it, I saw that it listed a few rules about the shelves.
"Please keep the containers organized properly... please don't return unused reagents to their container... upon being emptied, reagents will not be restocked until the container is destroyed... well, seems reasonable enough," I added.
"Yes, but the fact there are so many different poisons in plain sight, for anypony to stumble across... we should definitely keep an eye on these shelves. Many of these are undetectable without special tests or equipment and have no symptoms when used, right up until the victim..." Redheart trailed off.
I nodded solemnly. Finding nothing else of note, we left for the final room on the third floor. It turned out to be a Wood Shop, full of bits and boards of high-quality timber, saws, nails and screws, hoof and power tools and lathes. The entire room smelled of sawdust. Given the mostly scientific theme of the floor, it seemed quite out of place.
"What does he expect us to build here?" I wondered out loud, examining a plank of fine Griffonstone mahogany.
"Perhaps this is where Monokuma builds his clones, or his... backups or something," Redheart shrugged.
There was nothing particularly interesting about the wood shop, so after we finished looking around we decided that we would head back to the cafeteria and discuss our findings. I had to admit, my mind and body felt a little bit lighter after exploring the new floor...
...But then I realized that the others had likely found the negative things and would be discussing them... the poisons, the morgue. In an instant, the lightness I felt had vanished. My hooves felt unusually heavy as we walked down the stairs, and I couldn't help but ruminate on those thoughts...
"Twilight, may I have a word?" Redheart suddenly asked.
"Sure." I turned to face Redheart, feeling a little caught off guard as I noticed that her usual hardened expression had softened.
"...I understand that both Rainbow Dash and Princess Celestia were very dear to you," she spoke after a few moments. My eyes grew misty, even as I shook my head to try and shake the tears away.
"...She was one of my best friends. And Princess Celestia... she was so much to me. My teacher, my mentor, she was like a second mother to me, and also... my friend."
Redheart nodded. "...Normally I wouldn't ask this of the bereaved so soon after a death, but given our circumstances, I... feel that you and your friends may not be able to properly mourn the deceased. Make peace with their passing and all that."
"O-Oh..." my voice quivered. Redheart was right, after all... my heart ached for Rainbow, for Celestia and Luna. Yet while we were all still trapped inside Monokuma's barrier, there was little we could do but ignore our grief, no matter how severe, stow away our emotions and carry on. A moment's weakness could mean the difference between survival... and another horrible death.
My thoughts were interrupted by Redheart gently placing a hoof on my shoulder. "It is not my specialty, I'll admit, but I thought it necessary... I will be hosting a group therapy session in the Guidance Counselor's Office after dinner this evening. If you wish, I would be happy to include you. I have already spoken to your friends, and they will attend as well."
"I see..." I smiled gratefully at Redheart. "...Thank you. I'll be sure to come."
~
A while later, we had all gathered in the cafeteria. To my dismay the others had indeed found the morgue and shelves of poisons, and each were worked up into a tizzy speculating whether the morgue was occupied.
"DOES IT REALLY MATTER? I'M NOT LOOKIN' IN THERE!" Bulk whined.
"It would do us absolutely no good to look," Redheart agreed. "Even if one of us happened to be a mortician, it'd be traumatizing to embalm somepony you once knew."
"Besides that... what about the shelves of poison?" asked Flam. "Even if we simply dump them out into the trash, that won't necessarily keep us safe. Monokuma will happily replace them if somepony spirits away the container and destroys it."
"Then we just gotta make sure nopony touches the containers after we get rid of them," said Lightning. "Glue 'em to the fucking shelves if you gotta!"
"The other bottles are fine, no?" asked Fleur. "I actually recognized quite a few ingredients for my favorite beauty products on the other shelves... aah, to have access to high-quality toiletries again..."
"I... don't see why not," Rarity shrugged. I glanced over to her and my friends - out of the rest of them, she seemed to be holding it together the best. The others, though... Pinkie's mane was still straight, Applejack was staring angrily at the floor, Fluttershy had long since cried herself to sleep in Discord's lap. And myself... I just felt so... tired. No... exhausted.
"You... know how to make toiletries?" Coloratura blinked.
"Well... can't be that hard. It's just mixing shit together, isn't it?" Fleur huffed.
I didn't even speak up about the necessary chemical reactions and formulas Fleur would need to actually make anything worthwhile... right now, the whole world felt fuzzy and distant. I only barely noticed Redheart glancing in my direction for a moment, then turning to the others with a frown.
"How about we have dinner first, before we do anything else. I know you all may not feel like eating much, but it's important to keep up your strength," she suggested.
"Capital idea," nodded Flam. "Afterwards, would anypony care to volunteer to help me dispose of those nasty poisons?"
Coloratura and Lightning quickly agreed. With that settled, some of us trudged into the kitchen to prepare our meal while the others sat quietly in our sorrows. Redheart gave us suggestions on easy foods to make and eat for such an occasion.
~
Our meal was eaten in near silence. Redheart asked us to take care of her dishes while she got prepared. As soon as the dishwasher was loaded, my friends - Applejack, Discord, Fluttershy, Pinkie and Rarity - and I made our way to the Guidance Counselor's Office.
Inside, Redheart had shoved all of the furniture within against the walls, except for the couch and enough chairs in a circle for the rest of us. The lights had been slightly dimmed, and a white noise machine was softly humming in the corner. Discord, Fluttershy and Applejack took the couch and the rest of us sat down in a chair. Once we were seated, Redheart cleared her throat.
"Hello, everypony. Now, before we begin, I would like to inform you all that truthfully, I am by no means an actual counselor, nor do I have much experience in therapeutic work other than delivering bad news," she explained as she glanced to the side nervously. "But, I have done the proper research and studies, and I believe that I will be able to help you all with the grieving process, should you need it."
We all nodded. Redheart cleared her throat again, quieter this time. "Do any of you need help actualizing your loss? By this, I mean... we all know exactly what happened to your loved ones, correct? Or do any of you have any differing memories of their deaths-"
"No, no... I think we're all on the same page there," Discord shook his head frantically, as did the rest of us.
"Yes... I had hoped so," Redheart let out a small sigh. "Then let us begin with memories of the deceased. What about them brought you joy? What do you miss about them?"
This was an easy question. One by one we each spoke about our favorite memories of Rainbow Dash - her beautiful Sonic Rainbooms, how she would try to show affection for her pet tortoise Tank when nopony was looking, how happy she was to realize her dream of being a Wonderbolt, how stubborn she was to admit she liked reading or going to the spa... even her cravings for cider and how often fate would deny her a taste.
However, as we talked and even laughed, Applejack remained silent, staring off into space.
"Applejack? What are you thinking about?" Redheart asked, once our conversation had hit a lull.
"Ah- nothin'," Applejack's eyes snapped fully open, but she continued to slouch. "Nothin' at all..."
"Darling... you're a terrible liar, you know that," sighed Rarity.
"Ah know... it's just... ah just..."
"Are your feelings towards Rainbow Dash negative?" asked Redheart.
"Wha... no! No, she was one o' mah best friends! How could ah have any negative thoughts?!"
"It's okay to feel negative emotions towards the dead," Redheart continued gently. "Anger, anxiety, guilt, sadness, helplessness... all of these feelings are perfectly normal and valid. Perhaps you're angry that Rainbow has died, perhaps you feel that it was partially your fault, or perhaps you're even anxious because she's left you behind."
Applejack scowled at the floor, refusing to speak.
"Whatever your feelings, we must know them if you want to heal," she finished. The room was silent for a minute as we stared at Applejack. At first she was still, but soon her shoulders began to heave, and her facade finally broke.
"I... ah never... got the chance... to tell her how ah feel."
"Oh?" Rarity cooed as we all leaned in closer.
"Ah'm so mad... why'd she have to get herself killed before ah could tell her! She wasn't supposed to die like that! Why didn't ah tell her sooner..." Applejack began to cry, curling herself up as small as she could into the corner of the couch. "If ah told her... maybe she wouldn't have gone to the library... she'd be with me instead...!"
"Oh, Applejack..." Fluttershy broke away from Discord to embrace her tightly.
"I bet she knows, AJ..." Pinkie sniffled. "Even when you two were arguing, I saw the way she looked at you when your back was turned... always smiling."
"Then... then why didn't she..." Applejack coughed through her tears.
"Applejack, darling... she was almost as stubborn as you," Rarity smiled sadly. Applejack cried harder.
"...A-And now... ah'll never... we'll never..."
"You are mourning not only Rainbow's death, but also the relationship you wished to have with her, and the fact that you'll never have that relationship now," Redheart murmured. "But now that you know this, we can support you as you grieve."
"...Ah... Ah guess so..." Applejack sniffed.
"Oh, if only I had the full extent of my powers back..." Discord lamented.
"You... can you bring back the dead?" I asked warily, ready to discourage the idea if it meant Rainbow would come back as a shambling zombie or something.
"Well... no, not exactly," he sighed. "Never mind... I'm a Chaos god, not a god of Life and Death."
"Well... while we're on the subject, how about the rest of you? Are you angry that Rainbow died? Or perhaps you're angry at her... has she ever disappointed you?"
This question, though easy, wasn't easy to talk about. We were all furious and devastated that she had died, that her death was so violent and gruesome. And as for disappointments... well, she did have a tendency to be a little full of herself, and she sometimes took pranks way too far. And, of course, she was stubborn.
"It is perfectly normal and fine to have these feelings," Redheart nodded after we'd reached a guilty lassitude. "When you realize where these angry emotions stem from, you can prevent yourselves from unjustly deflecting these emotions onto others. Of course, however... focusing these emotions onto that damnable bear is entirely fine."
Everypony nodded in agreement.
"Alright..." Redheart sighed. "We've all talked about our anger, now let's move on to another strong, common emotion..."
And so we talked about our other emotions. We talked about feelings of guilt, and Redheart instructed us in the technique of "reality testing" - going through what we were doing and our thought processes at the time to check whether our guilt was irrational or not. We also discussed another technique - imagining that Rainbow was still with us, sitting in a chair and talking to us like normal. We were even encouraged to sit in "her" chair and speak as if we were her, if it would help. Then we talked about anxiety and helplessness in ourselves that a death could trigger, and the fears of our own mortality. And finally, we were encouraged to cry. There was no shame in crying, no reason to listen to those who might discourage it or feel uncomfortable around it. It was also important to realize why we were crying, and not crying could lead to both mental and physical troubles later on. All in all, I learned a great deal about grieving that evening, and when it was finally over, I left feeling quite a bit better than I had felt this morning.
~
Nighttime was just about to start as I finally returned to my room. I hopped into the shower and reflected on what Redheart had told us. As I got into bed, I looked over to the empty chair by my desk and imagined Rainbow sitting there.
"...I promise we'll escape this place... and I promise we'll bring Monokuma to justice," I spoke. Rainbow nodded in response, smiling boldly. With a melancholy sigh, I rolled over and fell asleep.