In Celestia We Trust, All Others Pay Cash
Princess Celestia soared high above Canterlot in the bright afternoon sunshine. Court was over, all her official duties had been finished for the day, and while out on her balcony she had spotted the perfect reward for her day of drudgery: An unsuspecting ice-cream vendor out in the park.
She dropped out of the sky in front of his cart with her two Royal Guard pegasi landing behind and promptly announced, “Two scoops of Vanilla, please.” The chunky earth pony running the cart did not even seem to notice the special nature of his customer, but carefully hoofed out a cone and applied two generous scoops of creamy white sugary goodness.
“That’ll be two bits, Ma’am.” The raspberry coat of the vendor paled as he suddenly realized who was standing in front of him. “I mean Your Highness!”
“That’s perfectly fine.” Celestia chuckled as she took a lick of the ice cream. “Mmmm. Marvelous. Let me just get—” The small compartment in her Yoke of Office where she kept loose change was empty, and a quick search of the rest of her possessions revealed the same. Nothing.
“Pardon me for a moment.” She turned to her pegasus guards who suddenly looked nervous. “Could one of you spot me two bits?
“Sorry, Your Highness. We don’t have any pockets in this armor.”
“Oh, crabapples.” She turned back to the vendor with a very Royal Smile. “Do you think I could come back tomorrow and pay—”
“I’m really sorry, Your Highness. The rules say I’m supposed to collect the money when I hoof out the ice-cream. And you’ve already taken a lick.”
“Fudge.” She thought briefly about trying to return the ice cream, but threw out the idea with an extra lick to catch a drip. “Can one of you fly back and get the Exchequer, please? And tell him to bring some of my personal funds so I can pay this young colt.”
While waiting, she soaked in the sunshine and worked on the cone, feeling as if all the warm fuzzies of the afternoon had just dried up and blown away. It was amazing how quickly the guard returned with the Exchequer, an older tan pegasus with green eyeshades and a look of perpetual anxiety. But one thing he did not have, was any of her bits.
“Actually, Your Highness, you don’t have any personal funds or property.”
Celestia blinked in the afternoon sunlight, a trickle of ice cream falling unnoticed on her hoof. “None? What about Canterlot Castle?
“Government owned. You signed it over to the government just after the… moon incident. As a matter of fact, you deeded over a great deal of your personal property at that time through charitable endowments, reconstruction, grants, gifts, and restitution. The rest appears to have been frittered away over the years without a proper investment strategy.”
There was a chest in Celestia’s private quarters that at one time had been quite filled with bits. It was a very large chest, but then again it had been a very long time since she had banished her sister to the moon. Perhaps she should not have been so generous with the allowance she had allocated to her faithful student and simply deeded the money directly to the booksellers. It certainly would have cut out a great number of middleponies.
“The Imperial Gardens? The Sculptuary? The Butterfly Preserve?”
“All held in trust by the government on behalf of the ponies of the nation.”
“Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters?”
“Foreclosed on by the banks some eight hundred and seventy years ago for non-payment. I understand it is currently being carried on their books at a fraction of its real historical value. If you would be interested in purchasing the mortgage, I would be willing to—”
“Purchase with what? You just said I have no personal funds.”
“Well, I presume you could get a loan, although with no applicable credit history for the last several centuries and no personal assets it may be a bit difficult. I understand your credit score is zero.” The Exchequer squirmed uncomfortably. “Actually since I’m a government employee, I should not be discussing your personal business on government time due to ethics regulations.”
Princess Celestia was on the threshold of informing him just what he could do with those ethics regulations when she became aware of the substantial crowd they had gathered in the park, all looking at them. And listening. She turned back to the young ice-cream vendor and cleared her throat.
“Ahem. Mister Raspberry Fudge, that is correct? As you can see, we are currently experiencing some difficulty coming up with the funds necessary for the purchase of—”
“Listen lady— I mean Your Highness. If I let you slide on paying me, ain’t nobody else gonna pay me either. Then how am I going to make a living?”
“Well… True,” she said, taken aback. A pair of bits poked her gently in the side as the exchequer whispered, “Here.”
“I can’t accept a gift from you,” she whispered back.
“It’s not a gift,” he replied. “It’s a loan. If I give you a gift, that’s peculation, and I would be fired for it. The Princess is very strict about accepting or giving bribes. As it is, I’m going to need to fill out form GM-452b, and you need to repay me in 30 days or it has to be reported.”
* * *
As Princess Celestia returned grumbling to the castle after ordering a full accounting of her personal assets from the Exchequer, who had been given temporary exception to the ethics rules. At least things appeared to be returning to normal.
Except that in the city of Canterlot, no action by the Princess goes unnoticed.
“I heard the Princess tried to short an ice-cream vendor in the park today.”
“Yeah, I was there. I heard she was out of money.”
“The Princess is out of money? But I have business in the castle! Are you sure I’m going to get paid?”
“Do you think the government will be defaulting on their debt too?”
“If the government defaults, all the banks will be mobbed with ponies grabbing their money!”
“We better get ours first.”
* * *
Morning in Canterlot dawned rather slowly, the sun climbing above the horizon with the slow plod of somepony who spent the entire night buried in thousand year old paperwork, attempting to make sense of tiny little numbers that moved about on their own when insufficient coffee was applied to the reader.
At the breakfast table, Princess Celestia sucked down yet another uncounted cup of bitter black coffee as she paged through a summary report.
“Good morning, my sister! How art thou this glorious and delightful morn?” Luna danced into the breakfast nook with a smile on her face and snagged a piece of toast.
Celestia spared her sister a look that could have peeled paint. “Broke.”
“What?” Luna gasped. “What portion of thine anatomy hast thou injured? Should you not be seeing a chirurgeon instead of lying about the breakfast table?”
“Not me,” she grumbled, dropping her papers on the table. There were a great many of them, all having one thing in common. The number zero. “My finances.”
Luna’s mouth made a little “o” of surprise as Celestia gathered up her papers again. “But certainly you have assets, Celly? I remember—”
“All either gifted, or on indefinite loan, or bequeathed, or a great number of other words meaning given away many years ago.” She dropped the papers in front of Luna again and poured herself another cup of coffee, turning the pot upside down to get out the last drop regardless of the sediment that came with it.
“Well,” said Luna, scooping up the papers. “We can’t have this. I mean, a penniless Princess is just so… uncouth. You are still drawing a salary as Princess, correct?”
“Oh yes,” said Celestia, rolling her eyes. “One bit a year. By the end of next year, I will have earned enough to pay back the Exchequer for the ice-cream cone I bought yesterday.”
A series of rapid taps at the breakfast nook door indicated a servant with a question. Normally, tradition was for them to knock twice, then pause, and go away if they heard no response. Only in dire emergencies were they to knock more than twice. This knocking sounded more like a flock of giant woodpeckers was hammering at the door.
“Come i—” The door fairly burst in as a half-dozen servants and court functionaries including the Exchequer threw themselves forward and all talked at once.
“Princess it’s just horrible!”
“You have to do something! Anything!”
“The rumors have gotten out of control!
“The market’s down over thirty percent and still dropping!”
“Lines at the mint are around the block twice!”
“There’s talk of rioting!”
“Your Cloud-Cakes are going to be late!”
“SILENCE!” Both Royal Pony Sisters glared at the cowering crowd before Celestia pointed at one of them at random. “ONLY ONE AT A TIME. YOU FIRST!”
“The Cloud-Cakes are late being delivered, and—”
“SILENCE! Go to the kitchen and have them prepare something else. Now you!”
The Exchequer got nervously to his hooves. “Your Highness, there have been all kinds of rumours floating about the financial sector this morning. Trading opened significantly down, and just plunged from there. The lines at the banks for withdrawal of savings are around the block, and the banks can’t get any more bits from the mint. Equestrian Bonds have been downgraded on the bond floor to BB after the Griffins dumped their holdings. It’s just chaos out there! It’s worse than when Discord turned Canterlot Lake into Chocolate Pudding and the Pudding Futures crashed.”
Princess Celestia gave a sigh of frustration. “Does this have anything to do with my little episode with the ice-cream vendor yesterday?”
The Exchequer reddened. “Ah. Probably. And, Your Highness, I reviewed the regulations and I’m afraid — I’m going to have to charge you interest on that loan.”
* * *
Princess Celestia and Luna alighted outside the Canterlot Market, a considerably different market than the one in small towns and cities throughout Equestria. True, this market still bought and sold fruits and vegetables, but in quantities that boggled the mind, and even commodities that had not even been planted yet. Their passage through the trading floor was uneventful because the market ponies single-mindedly ignored the rulers of the entire country. They were more interested in frantically screaming “Sell! Sell!” to each other as the sisters climbed to the observation booth over the floor.
“Citizens of Canterlot, hear me!” announced Princess Celestia to the trading floor.
Nothing. Not even one eye looked up at her, all the stock brokers on the floor continued their screaming and the giant board behind them continued its downward price spiral.
“YOUR PRINCESS OF THE SUN COMMANDS YOU! HEED HER WORDS OR ELSE!” Luna nodded at the sea of shocked faces and turned to her sister. “Go ahead, Celly.”
“Ahem. Yes, thank you Luna.” Princess Celestia strode to the edge of the platform and looked down at the sea of attentive faces. “Citizens of Canterlot. I want to address a number of rumors today that have gotten all of you in such a fright. First of all, the financial status of our nation is strong. Exports are up, industry is at an all-time high, taxes are down, and revenue is up. We are in the middle of the longest peacetime economic boom in centuries. Now there is some bad news in there, but it only affects myself. I currently have no personal assets or income.” A gasp spread across the room at the thought of such a horrid fate. “Yes, it’s true. Perhaps I should make a few speeches or write a foal’s book.” She smiled at the faint titter that ran through the room. “That is all I wished to say. Please return to your jobs and do not let the unwarranted rumors you have heard do further harm to our beloved nation.”
There was a long silence, broken only by a few hoof-claps, then a dreaded word sounded: “Sell!” Within moments, the entire room had returned a state of chaos undifferentiable from their arrival except for the smaller numbers on the price boards in the back of the room.
Princess Celestia frowned and turned to her sister, who appeared to be looking intently out onto the trading floor while nodding her head. “Well, my sister. What do you think—”
“Buy!” The faint voice from the floor drew Celestia’s attention like a shot. Then a second voice joined, and a third. Soon the floor erupted in a flurry of activity that dwarfed the previous selling binge, and both Princesses decided it would perhaps be safer just to remain where they were until the market closed, instead of trying to force their way back outside.
* * *
Princess Celestia tapped her hoof while waiting in the Royal Chariot. Her sister was always late for these things. This time, Luna had stayed behind on the trading floor to exchange words with a small cluster of investors while Celestia cooled her hooves outside. Finally, the younger sister emerged from the market and joined her older sister for their trip back to the castle.
Celestia took a deep breath of fresh air once the Royal Chariot had gained altitude over the city. “Ah, Luna. It’s so good to hear this crisis has been averted. From what I hear, the bank runs stopped at the same time the market began to rise, and nearly all the depositors have returned their money. We should really establish higher currency reserves and more stringent controls on the markets, even though that would discourage investment, unless done very carefully. What do you think, my sister?”
“Sounds good.” Luna continued reading the piece of paper she had brought out of the market, flipping to the second page.
“And I really think I should go ahead and start drawing my full salary again.” One eyebrow raised on the Royal Face. “Come to think of it, little sister, you have been drawing your salary for the last thousand years. Do you think you could… share just a few bits with your big sister?”
Luna looked up from her reading. “You mean like when we got candy for Hearth’s Warming Eve? And you used to ‘share’ all of my caramel ones in exchange for your peppermint ones?”
“Yes. Well, no. That was a long time ago.”
The Princess of the Night returned to perusing her paper. “Well, I suppose I could afford it. Oh, and I dropped off your papers.”
“My papers? With who?”
“My investment group. Their great-great-grandparents many times removed used to handle my personal funds. And they did a fairly good job of it too. I’m sure within a century or two they will be able to get your personal funds back up to a reasonable level.” Luna squinched up her face and tried to sound like a whiny big sister, “If you are a good little alicorn and save your money.”
“Oh, that’s just… deserved, I suppose.” Celestia craned her neck over and tried to look at the paper Luna was reading. “Net worth. Hm, just how much— OH GOOD HEAVENS, LUNA!!” The Royal Guard pegasi pulling the chariot were well trained, but still flinched at the Royal Canterlot Voice being unleashed behind them.
“Sis! What have you said about reading over somepony’s shoulder?”
“But— I mean… All those zeros! How much are you worth?”
“Oh, this?” She waved the page in front of her sister. Where Celestia’s net worth statement had quite a few zeros in it, Luna’s had many, many more. But with numbers in front of them. And commas.
“It’s horribly out of date. With the buy orders they put in at the market today when it bottomed out, we are probably looking at a fifteen to twenty-five percent increase, less taxes.”
* * *
Late that afternoon, four heavy earth ponies from the Royal Mint carefully backed their cart into Princess Celestia’s chambers and unloaded a hefty chest that clinked when it was moved. “Sorry about us being so late with this shipment from your sister, Your Highness. It was an awfully busy day.”
She nodded politely and expressed thanks in return, waiting until the movers had left her room and the door was closed before she opened the chest. Sitting on top of the pile of golden bits, was a small piece of paper and a carefully wrapped piece of peppermint candy.
“Well, at least I can pay back the Exchequer. What’s this?” She opened the paper and began to read.
“A LOAN? AT THAT INTEREST RATE!? LUNA!!!”