//------------------------------// // XII. Correlation // Story: Abandoned Memories // by Mika //------------------------------// Just go over to her and greet her. That should be enough to repress the dream. But will it really be enough? The amount of interaction I had yesterday wouldn't compare to a measly greeting. I would have to say much more than just a 'hello.' But what if she is looking for me, too? Was she even at the party? Hell, as if I can remember anypony who attended the party. Other than that pink demon... Focusing your eyes onto her, watching her every move and still being weary to remain hidden, you questioned whether the consequences were severe enough to convince yourself to avoid speaking with her. What if the dream comes back, regardless of whether or not I interact with her? What if it doesn't help? What about the possibility of her knowing about my past? No, that's not possible. She would have done something before if she had known. Unless she knows the condition that I'm in, and therefore did not mention it to prevent me from becoming infuriated. Perhaps I'm over-analyzing everything. No, I can't be too careful. My disregard for caution in the past has only proven to hurt me, rather than relax me. Bringing your attention back to the pony in front of you, you see that she didn’t seem to be aware of your presence at all, giving you more time to assess the situation. I have to communicate with her. It's the only possibility I have of repressing the dream. That was your greatest flaw; the small amount of hope that lingered within you. The hope that you could overcome your depression. The hope that you could be reintegrated with society... The hope of ever becoming normal. This was the only thing preventing you from ending your life. How will I approach her? If I'm not careful, she might run off. And what then? I'm not about to go back into the town... Had you not been so emotionally detached, you might have made a clever remark of how you, the hunted, had now become the hunter. Deciding to take action before she left, you quietly lowered yourself from the tree while she remained preoccupied with whatever it was she was doing. What if she starts asking questions? Then lie. But it's not that simple. I have to make sure that my lies are coherent, unlike whatever lies the medical staff made. Remember, my name is Dostoyevsky, I came from Cloudsdale? No,Trottingham... right? My profession? Will I even need to go this in-depth? Just how much is she going to ask? Or rather, how much am I going to tell her? Now with your hooves planted firmly on the ground, your usual pre-conversation anxiety kicked in. Your heart began to increase in pace as countless situations played out in your mind. What if this is a trap, and they’re just waiting to ambush me before I have a chance to escape? Or what if she's always known of my presence and is only luring me out? Still playing out every possible situation, you closed the distance between the two of you, still not ready to communicate. However, in your fog of inner-debate, you failed to notice a lone twig. Once the weight of your forehoof rested upon it, it yielded a crisp and loud snap; unsettling the serene silence of the surrounded clearing. You quickly dart your eyes beneath you, realizing your mistake. You slowly raised your field of vision up and focused back onto the pony. She had turned to you as well, your eyes interlocking; waiting for a victor to be decided. However, as you kept your posture, she let herself sink into a submissive form, blatantly exposing her fear for you. She's afraid of me... Good. That will make this much more easier then I had presumed. As you slowly approached her, you questioned as to why she hadn't just flown away by now. Looking at her sides, you see that her wings were snapped shut; almost as if an invisible rope had been tied around her body. You had a feeling that she was stricken with fear, to afraid to follow through with what natural instincts should have made her do seconds ago. This was something you haven't experienced in quite some time, with everypony unaware of your true nature. Now, directly in front of her with your habitual blank expression, you could clearly see her, quite literally, trembling with fear. Seeing her in this situation reminded you of how easily medical staff was provoked into submission; how they cowered in fear when you raised your voice, and how easy it was for you to communicate with them, albeit aggressively. As your anxiety withered away, it was replaced by a sense of superiority, boosting your confidence. Perhaps I have more in common with this pony than I had previously believed. No, she's nothing like me. Remember, keep in mind what you need. Interaction. Only to repress the dream for tonight. Now, just greet her and leave. Simple enough. "Hello..." You were going to add her name to the end of your greeting, but you realized you've forgotten it. I haven't been able to do this in a long time. Communicate with strangers with such ease... This is what I wish to achieve. Communication with strangers, regardless of the situation. Keeping your dull expression, and hiding your slight content that you had successfully communicated, you could see the yellow pegasus move her lips, as if she was forming words. However, her voice was barely audible. Maybe I should communicate a bit more, just to be safe. No, what am I doing? I'm becoming to attached to her! But, besides Sigmund, she may be one of the only ponies I can communicate with. She may prove to be of more worth than I previously believed. No, I do not require any more social interaction! But what I am to do for tomorrow? Her presence here was pure luck. The chances of her being here once more, willingly, are practically nonexistent. If I can create a connection with her, then I can come back, at least until I have to meet with Sigmund in... an unknown amount of time. No, this will all go horribly wrong. I might reveal too much of myself to her, or she might tell the others of my location. Is it worth the risk? Losing yourself in your thoughts, as you usually did, you quickly remembered that a certain yellow pegasus was trembling before you. Why hasn't she said anything? This will not work if she refuses to communicate with me. What irony. Forcing another pony to communicate with me: a pony who despises interaction. I need to ease her fear, but how? .. And furthermore, why does she fear me? I am glad for it, but why? You attempted to quickly recall the events that you could remember from the past few days, visualizing them in your mind; a sea of thoughts and remembrances coming to greet you. You remembered how your sudden outburst to the cyan pegasus had shocked the yellow one and the incident with the "party" might not have helped to give yourself a calmer persona. If you were going to build some sort of companionship with the yellow pegasus, you would have to convince her that you were just like any of the other ponies inhabiting this town. I suppose I should show some sort of empathy to her. That might give her the impression that I'm not intellectualizing every second that I live. What was it that the cyan pegasus demand that I do? Apologize...? Apologize: The recognition of one's mistake and an expression of guilt. You've never apologized before, or for that matter, never experienced guilt or remorse. You'd seen other patients at the hospital break down into tears; reverting back to a foal and apologizing for their mistakes, begging for forgiveness. Perhaps that would show the yellow pegasus that you weren't completely void of emotion. I'm not about to start bawling for forgiveness right before her. But, perhaps I do not need to go to that extent. I just need to deceive her into believing that I'm genuinely remorseful for both of the incidents. Lying is one skill I, somewhat, have. Faking emotions, however... Looking back, you realize that you've never faked any sort of emotion whatsoever, as there was no need to. This would be your first attempt at showing an expression other than rage or sorrow. And it was rather important, as it would determine your relation to the yellow pegasus. Once more, you opened your mouth to speak. "Listen..." The yellow pegasus' expression stayed the same, but yet, was more focused. You were about to being apologizing, but you weren't sure how to properly emote the feelings of guilt and remorse. You tried to reference what you could from the hospital, but the only cases of apologies that you could remember all involved some sort of psychological disintegration. But, through the haze of the past years of your miserable existence in the hospital’s care, you remembered one key event. Despite your anterograde amnesia, you remembered what had happen a few nights ago. Your small feud with the cyan pegasus. You deduced that your mind believed it was significant enough to retain, and this would be the one time you were grateful that you could remember anything having to do with her. Why? Because you remembered her weakly-put apology. "And... I guess it was... Sorta my fault that I crashed into you a few days ago, so I'm sorry for blaming you. I was just practicing a new trick and I had almost had it, so that's why I was mad." The sentence repeated in your head; her tone and expressions imprinting themselves in your memory. She stated her mistake... As well as taking responsibility in doing so. She also explained why. Her voice was... Slightly shaky, and her posture was somewhat passive. Perhaps if I can successfully emulate her, then I can finally have this pegasus speak. You shifted your position, lowered your neck, and opened your mouth once more. "I... Apologize for my behavior these last few days. I’ve had some things on my mind, and they were troubling to say the least." Saying those words, even admitting your guilt, despite not being true, was one of the most painful experiences you've ever felt. You could almost feel the muscles in your lip deteriorate from even forming those words. However, it would prove to pay off, as you saw the yellow pegasus raise her head ever so slightly. She still averted her eyes from you, but you could see her begin to form words. "Oh... Um..." At least I could hear her this time. "W-what happened to your bandages?" she quietly asked. Perfect. You had forgotten about your injury, but you could still feel the pain around your left hoof. I took them off. "They became undone." "Would you like to me re-bandage it? I mean... If that's what you want..." No, your usefulness to me has worn out. I do not require you to be around any more for today." "Yes, I would appreciate that," you blatantly replied. You hadn't notice that you were speaking without delay. It wasn't your original goal, but it was something you've wished to accomplish for a long time. "Okay then..." The yellow pegasus lifted herself from the ground and began to walk back into the forest, presuming that you would follow. Willingly, you began to do so. What am I doing? What folly have I just placed myself in? I do not need her to bandage my wound, and I've done more than enough interaction than is necessary! And what if this is all part of her plan? To lure me out of my hiding, to expose me to the cyan pegasus. It's clear that she knows her beyond the extent of the relationship that I've created with the yellow pegasus. She wouldn't hesitate for a second to reveal my location to her. But, despite all this... I continue to follow her. No, I'm only doing this as a means to repress my memory... Am I? Maybe there's something more t- "We're here..." Her voice pulled you out of her thoughts, making you realize that you've arrived at her cottage. She slowly opened the door, still with the assumption that you would walk in, willingly, as you did. "Okay... Um, can I see your hoof?" she asked. Funny, it seemed like she struggled to get those words out. Maybe she and I aren’t so different after all... She already had the same roll of gauze beside her, waiting for you to come over. You slowly trotted over to her, sat onto the floor, and reached over with your left hoof. Maybe she is like Sigmund. Maybe I can communicate with her, and not have to reveal anything about my condition. No, that's absurd. I have all I need now. Now, just to leave here... "There... Done," the pegasus responded sheepishly. What now? Do I just leave and resume the rest of the day? The yellow pegasus was still holding onto your hoof, gazing at it. When you slowly tried to retract, both of your eyes met. She then quickly pulled back, averting her gaze; a light red tint seemed to appear on her cheek. Now is my chance to leave. But... It’s peaceful in here. No, leave! Leave now! You quickly picked yourself up, and attempted to head towards the door. A strange feeling began to overcome you as the yellow pegasus spoke once more. “Oh, you’re leaving?” You simply turned your head to her, only instilling more fear into your timid caretaker. “Nevermind...” Damn. I can't just leave now. I have to say something. Perhaps if I show some gratification for her... That means I'm going to have to emote once more. Gratification. This is going to be difficult. "T-thank you." you muttered. The yellow pegasus sprang up, and began to speak again. "Oh, it was nothing really..." After hearing her words, you simply continued to the door, opening it, and walked out without any hesitation. Leaving it open, you quickly heard the yellow pegasus behind you, going towards the door. "Wait! Um, will I see you again tomorrow?" Careful. Your answer might come back to haunt you. "Yes." With that, you opened your wings and flew towards the sky, leaving behind the yellow pegasus. She didn't attempt to follow you, an admirable aspect that she had. You just continued to fly towards the clouds. You didn’t look back, not even to give her a final glance... Not even to notice her unfurled wings preventing her from trying... This... Is peaceful. Hours had passed since you left the yellow pegasus' cottage. You flew towards the clouds to find refuge. Upon finding the appropriate cloud, you did as you did last time, peer over the edge and watch over the ponies of the town go about their usual chores. You had also decided to make it a habit to record everything within your small notebook, not just dreams. After deciding this, you recorded the yellow pegasus' and all of her habits, along with physique. Some might see your level of detail disturbing, but you found it impressive. Now, if only I had her name... Everything that had happened within the last few hours had caused you to experience something you rarely do. Tranquility. Peace of mind. Why? You've finally created a connection with another pony, not as strong as Sigmund, but nonetheless, a connection. And you've also completed your (imaginary) quota for communication, thus relieving the stress of having the memory occur. All of this had helped restore one thing that you’d been lacking most of your life; hope. The yellow pegasus had helped restore your hope. I made the right choice. I must have. I no longer have to fear having the dream again. At least for tonight. But I could just go back tomorrow and repeat this process until I meet with Sigmund. For once, everything is going the way it should. By no means were you finally rid of your depression, or for that matter, your countless other psychological afflictions. But at least you had a moment of peace. Luna's night had approached you without notice, but you had no fears. You placed the small notebook that you'd been cradling back into your saddlebag. While reaching back, you pulled out your antidepressants. All part of your routine. You made sure to be careful, as the antidepressants would pass right through the clouds if they were dropped. Your newly-bandaged hoof did not irritate you as much, thus allowing the removal of two pills to be much easier. You swallowed the pills, screwed the cap back on, and placed it back into your saddlebag. Tired as usual... You had not done much today to cause yourself fatigue, but you still felt tired. Having nothing to be afraid of, you let sleep overwhelm you. "M-mommy please... Get up... Pl-please..." "Daddy... Wake up already!" "Please..."