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// Oh My Gosh, Road Trip! 
// Story: We Have McDonald’s At Cave 
// by Autumnblazelover61 
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"Yeesh. I don’t know what the old Grogar's cleaning service was like, but this old lair could certainly use a good makeover." Discord quietly muttered to himself as he glanced around the foyer of the villainous lair on his way towards the exit, not wanting to alert the three villains that were currently resting in their nearby bedchambers. It was an early rainy morning, and he had to step out of the cave for a minute, and he didn’t want to have to explain what the Lord Of Chaos was doing in the fortress, when just a minute ago they were looking at the large, blue, horned image of the first emperor of Equestria, the almighty ram Grogar.

"I better slip out of this place now that I’ve gone and changed back. Walking on all fours these past few days has just been murder on my nails!" He massaged his sore fingers, which stretched out and squeaked like balloon animals as he touched them. "Honestly, I’m starting to regret disguising myself as that frail old ram of all villains." Discord said to himself as he stepped on the big rock platforms. "I could have been that giant lava monster I bunked with back in university. A lair inside a VOLCANO? How cool would THAT be?" 

A strange loud beeping sound from his wrist watch caught his attention, and he quickly shut it off before it attracted anycreature. "My goodness!" He gasped as he looked at the four small arrows pointing in all different directions. "It’s almost noon-thirty. Fluttershy must be expecting me by now." He remembered that he was supposed to be meeting his Pegasus girlfriend, Fluttershy, for a lunch date that they had arranged at a popular establishment within Restaurant Row in Canterlot. "Ah well. I’m sure those three idiots won’t notice if their fearless leader leaves for an hour or two." 

Glancing around one last time at the ominously glowing lair that was now his part-time home, the tall draconnequs sighed happily. "Adieu for now, my humble abode. I have a beautiful pony waiting for me in Canterlot, and I don’t want to keep her waiting another minute!" He raised his bear paw, ready to snap himself out of there, when suddenly...

"Uh, hello? Is someone there?" A cute little voice echoed through the walls of the lair. Discord cringed. Great, just great. He really had to step out right now, and of course SHE of all of them suddenly needed something from him. As the tiny pink Pegasus fluttered her tiny wings into the large room, Discord barely had time to get down on his hands and knees and transform once more into the sharp, intimidating goat, immediately getting back into character as he glared his bright yellow eyes at the annoying little pegasus. Great. Simply teleporting out wasn’t an option now. He’d just have to see what she wanted. 

"Grogar? Are you busy?" Cozy Glow called out as she fluttered around the tall table in the dead center of the room. "I heard someone talking." She looked into his glowing crystal ball that was mounted on the table, with clear bemusement. "And I can tell by the fact that you aren’t gazing into your silly little globe here like you’re SUPPOSED to that you must be super busy with them."

She was taken by surprise as the ram suddenly leapt onto the table in front of Cozy and knocked her to the floor with a burst of yellow magic from his mighty horns. "Stay away from my globe, you little brat!" He growled, and placed a hoof protectively against it. "This is my all-seeing eye! My only glimpse of the outside world!" He pointed a stubby glowing hoof at Cozy as she struggled to climb to her feet, and pulled her up to eye level. "And it’s worth more than you’ll ever be in your miserable little life!"

Cozy Glow scoffed, simply shooing away the bright yellow aura around her neck and flying onto the bench nearby. "Well, I suppose that’s true. And if you really don’t think I’m that worth having around, maybe I’ll just trot my way out of here and you can find some other villain to work for you who’s as manipulative as me!" She grinned and turned to the exit like she was actually considering it. Beneath the disguise, Discord heaved a sigh. His reason for recruiting her into his plan was obvious. This filly was good. 

Grogar lit his whole body up and levitated off the table in a magic ball, and in a flash he appeared before Cozy, blocking her exit from his lair as he snorted angrily right in her face. "Stop right there!" He stomped his hoof on the ground. "You three aren’t going ANYWHERE! Not until we find a way to finally destroy Twilight Sparkle and her friends. I already told you all I’m searching for another powerful artifact, since you three have already failed to retrieve my-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your weird little bell. We get it, we weren’t able to get it." She looked away with a small smirk that Grogar didn’t notice. "You don’t need to remind us every five minutes." She was interrupted by a loud grumble coming from her stomach. "Oh, right. Listen, so Tirek, Chrysalis and I are in the mood for some lunch, and I was just wondering-"

Grogar waved her away with his hoof and continued hopping across the rocks towards the exit. "There’s plenty of food stashed away in your chambers! Now stop bothering me, and don’t leave your garbage out again! Sheesh..."

Turning the corner and hiding behind some stalagmites, Grogar let out an annoyed sigh. If he had to spend one more day with Cozy and her annoying questions he was going to go crazy. Well, crazier. He was just about to transform back into Discord when he suddenly heard an annoyed cough, and he turned his head and found Cozy right there, leaning against a rock like a gangster. How on Earth did she do that?

"Anyways, we don’t want any more of that crummy food you give us! It tastes worse than the pies Professor Pinkie Pie used to make for us in class."

Oh, she was taught by Pinkie Pie. That explains a lot. Discord thought to himself. 

"We want to go outside the lair and get something GOOD somewhere!" She said and clapped her fore hooves excitedly. Grogar rolled his eyes and groaned. Fine. This was fine. He’d just meet up with Fluttershy, then snap up some food and bring it back to the lair.

As if she’d read his mind, Cozy flew up and bopped him on the snout. "Aaaand we want you to get it right now!"

Grogar felt his goat AND draconnequs blood boiling. Fine! He’d slip out of the lair, snap up some food, feed these nasty little buggers, and THEN go to meet Fluttershy! 

"Alright! You wait here!" Grogar commanded as he finally, FINALLY reached the exit. "What do you three feel like? Some candy? Maybe some chicken wings?" He glanced back at her smirking expression. "Or a salad! I actually know a friendly salad who could-"

He turned his head and suddenly bumped into Cozy’s squishy growling stomach as she once again seemed to teleport in front of him. "Oh, actually, we were thinking about someplace else!" She tapped a hoof against her chin in mock thought. "Oh, I know! How about McDonald's?"

Now Grogar threw his head back and laughed. This puny pegasus had made some strange requests in the past but this was pushing it. "MCDONALD'S? Oh, please! What do I look like, a trotting vending machine? The answer is NO!" His eyes lit up in anger as he spoke. Discord always hated that stupid place, from the moment he’d first went there a few years ago with Screwball. The kids there were annoying, the place was cheesy and childish, and the food was expensive and soggy. If he went to that cash cow kiddie restaurant right now, especially looking like Grogar, he’d become a huge laughingstock... and the sight of Grogar and Cozy Glow having returned would probably freak out everypony and cause mass hysteria.

And worst of all, he’d miss out on time with Fluttershy! 

He froze as he imagined her, sitting in the restaurant, stomach rumbling impatiently as she waited for him. "Oh, and by the way, I heard there’s a McDonald’s somewhere in Canterlot." Cozy said. "You can take me there, and then when we’re done you can look around for that new artifact you were talking about."

Discord perked up as he considered it. It was actually a pretty good idea. He could take Cozy to McDonald’s to pick up lunch as Grogar, eat with Fluttershy as himself, AND send Cozy away to find the artifact. "Alright." He said finally, pointing a menacing hoof at her. "But if YOUR'E coming with me, we’ll need to do it secretly."

He sat down on the ground and propped his head up on a hoof in thought. "If only there was some way we could hide ourselves while we’re there, like in some sort of magic moving vehicle like a chariot, and we wouldn’t even have to enter the building to order... but that sounds impossible, even for me."

Cozy groaned. He obviously wasn’t going to figure this out on her own. But being the scheming Pegasus she was, she’d already planned for that. She turned and flew out of the lair while Grogar was distracted, and she soon returned to his surprise, driving a big red sports car, which she and Tirek has stolen together days prior. She rolled down the front window and glanced down at the goat. "Need a lift?"

Discord growled swear words to himself, hoping Fluttershy would at least find the car impressive, and he teleported into the front seat, pushing Cozy into the booster chair in the passenger seat next to him, feeling the smooth leather of the chair against his back as he struggled to arrange himself in his seat, eventually lying on his stomach and controlling the wheel with his magic. 

"Now we're talking!" He declared as he drove the car out of the lair, running over several plants in the surrounding forest in the process. He’d have to hire Mistmane to fix up the greenery sometime. "Now, I'll go to McDonald’s and get you three your lunches. Then we’ll try to find the artifact and come straight back." He glanced over at Cozy, who innocently strapped herself into her seatbelt. "Any questions?"

Cozy rubbed her arm and grinned nervously as she looked out at the raindrops gently running down the window. "Um, yeah, could we go back to the cave for a second? I have to pee first."