So Does This Make Me The Guest Of Honor?
That, boys and girls, was how it began. I'm sure you're all still wondering why there was even a portal in my wardrobe to begin with. Well guess what? So am I. Nobody knows why there was or how there was, not even the big girls up at Canterlot. Not for a lack of trying to find out, mind you, but even they have no idea.
Fuck me, Imagine being an omnipotent immortal Alicorn with a life spanning thousands of years and getting stumped by an sparkly magical IKEA wardrobe. Brilliant. Truly brilliant.
So yea, to make that long story short I had basically fallen into a wardrobe, landed in a forest and trekked a good hour or two to find myself amongst a town of talking ponies.
Oh shit, don't forget the talking cows either. They were as equally wild a find and as equally mind fucking.
Still, they're cool. Once you got over the whole 'talking-magical-animals' part it became rather easy to just, like, roll with it I guess. I mean, they talk like humans, they act - sometimes - like humans and if I were a blind man who didn't know any better I'd be hard pressed to say that they weren't humans.
Then again, they're quite obviously not human at all but, again, you wouldn't think that if you weren't looking at them. You know what I mean.
Now at this point it's still very, very early on into my time in Equestria, so whilst I'm pretty much as chill as can be these days, back then I was pretty much second guessing every last thing I ever knew. For example, you know how castles and cities have to be built on stable ground or whatnot so that they don't sink or collapse? You know, like how you wouldn't build a castle into the side of a mountain because it is both impossible and highly impracticable?
Yea, they did it anyway with Canterlot. Oh sure, the city itself is built on something at least flat up there, but the whole royal castle part? They've got that pretty much built onto the side of the mountain. I mean I can understand building one on top of or, hell, in the mountain, but on the side? Foundations aside it's still pretty bloody risky in my book.
Bollocks, all of it.
Still, it did look cool as all hell, though, so I guess I can give them points for their style.
Anyway, we were now on the train to Canterlot to attend what I was told to be a wedding. Between who? Well, I clocked on rather quickly it was a royal wedding, between Princess Mi Amore Cadenza - or Cadance for short - and Shining Armour, Twilight's big brother and the captain of the guard.
But this is where the fun begins you see. So I was under the impression that this was just some wedding I was being dragged to so as to get to talk to Princess Celestia right? Well, it was, but of course, nothing in this world seems to ever want to go to plan. Or to make sense. This wedding between Cadance and the cap?
The former wasn't actually Mi Amore Cadenza and the latter was a bit of a twat. The former changes, the latter not so much.
I also figured out very quickly at this point that, contrary to my own expectations, I wasn't on a drug trip and that I was, in fact, actually gallivanting around Harry Potter on steroids. Now that was a delightful pill to ram down my throat. Still, I really do think that I had taken it well at the time. Truly I do.
I mean, I only threatened to throw myself off of a moving train a couple of times before I pulled my shit together. Never let it be said that I'm a man to crack under pressure.
You see kids, when one is unceremoniously flung into another world, universe, or whatever this place was without any warning nor reason and has more or less had their world turned upside down, happiness tends to not be at the forefront of what one may be feeling. Instead, anger? Maybe sadness? Happiness would more than likely tend to be nearer the bottom of emotional spectrum.
Looking down at the pink ball of fur - now known to me as Pinkie Pie - that had been occupying my lap for the past half hour like it were a cat, I could at least say that I wasn't as stressed as I may have been. 'Still calling bullshit on everything I see.'
Introductions had been made once we were all on the train and I now had names to muzzles: The impatient lavender coloured interrogator was called Twilight, the Texan girl was Applejack, the flying Gay Pride flag was Rainbow, the yellow one who had yet to say a word was Fluttershy, the pony who probably belonged back in the Victorian era was Rarity and the pink ball of fluff currently lying in my lap and playing with my hands was called Pinkie Pie. 'Swell.'
"So, Greyson," Twilight Sparkle said from behind her notepad, the thing having been on hand ever since we had gotten aboard, "let's just make sure that I've gotten everything right." I shrug, scratching behind Pinkie's ears. "So to begin with, you're a human from a 'United Kingdom' located on a world called Earth and, approximately three to four hours ago you fell through a 'spontaneous portal' located entirely within your wardrobe." 'Spontaneous bullshit portal of magical fuckery, you mean.'
"More or less, Sparky." I reply, my scratching behind the ears eliciting a number of giggles and happy sighs. 'Are they actually ponies? Or are they just epilepsy inducing puppies?' "It is what it is; I wanted a coat and instead I got a ticket straight down Alice's rabbit hole."
"Rabbit hole? I thought you said you fell into a wardrobe," Rainbow asks from across the aisle, sitting next to her fellow Pegasus with the latter of whom appearing to be eyeing up my literal handiwork with Pinkie.
"It's a figure of speech, Skittles." She frowned at her nickname. 'Get used to it, darling.'
"It's Rainbow Dash, dude."
"Nah, you're called Skittles chief, just live with it."
"Anyway!" Twilight calls out, bringing the attention back to her, "I thought you said that there was no such thing as magic in your world?" I nod. "Well, ignoring the concept of a world devoid of magic being so utterly impossible, how and why was there even a portal in your wardrobe to begin with?" 'Good question, let's add it on to the big fucking list of questions I'm already writing up.'
"Truth be told, I have no idea why or how there was a portal in my wardrobe. As I said a few minutes back, there is no magic where I'm from. Unless you count the Queen, of course, considering she's basically our lizard overlord and is most likely sacrificing children for everlasting youth immortality." Their eyes widen in fright. "That was a joke, girls, calm it down." 'Damn, tough crowd.'
Nodding, Twilight returns to her notebook, continuing to write down on what must have been the 7th page of scribbles she'd been busying herself with since we'd begun. The rest of the girls however continued to eye me up, expressing a mixture of curiosity and suspicion. Understandable reactions given the circumstances surrounding my arrival here.
Except for the one in my lap, who was more than happy to just roll around under my touch. 'Again, they are basically puppies. Magical, talking puppies in horse bodies.'
"Though whilst we're on the topic of magic," I say aloud, getting Twilights attention, "I don't suppose any of you know how to, like, send me back home?"
"We're better off asking Princess Celestia - my mentor - that. I'm sure she'll know what to do," 'Oh boy, pony royalty. I'm going to fucking see it all.' "I'm sure she'll have just as many questions as us, however." 'Joy.'
"Fair enough," I reply, before turning my attention back to pampering the pink pony.
"Another question; why do you wear clothes?"
"Because every man in a five mile radius would drop dead from envy were I to reveal myself to the world." 'I guess it would be stallions in their case. Point still stands.'
"Excuse me?"
"Our balls, Sparkles. Our balls aren't covered in fur like you lot."
"Oh. Oh! Oh."
Her innocence was adorable.
Out of the corner of my eye, I notice that the spot next to me had now been filled by the shy mare, who had been staring at the pink pony on my lap with what I assumed to be envy. Realising I was now staring at her, she let out a rather adorable squeak of embarrassment, her face now hidden behind her mane. With my right hand, I continued to scratch behind Pinkie's ear. With my left, I placed it upon Fluttershy's head.
"For He gave me two hands; The Lords work must be done." 'Amen.'
By the time we had disembarked from the train and into Canterlot station, my burgeoning pony petting pile had managed to expand sixfold. Some claimed that they had to experience it for scientific research, whilst others were simply curious to see what all the fuss was about.
Regardless, one fact remained clear: none could resist ye olde' mighty fingers.
Arriving at the castle gates, I couldn't help but appreciate the beauty of Canterlot itself. Considering what I was used to in terms of urban centres back in England, it was a nice contrast to many of the grim, damp and rarely tourist friendly housing estates of the North West.
The severe lack of a Greggs was doing much to sour my opinion of the city, though I was willing to let that slide for now.
Furthermore, that the entire place was being held up by the foundations built under the city itself and into the mountain was also another concern of mine. 'I mean I'm no architect, but if those foundations were severely damaged, the whole place is going to tumble right down the mountainside. TripAdvisor can rate it high for the aesthetic, sure, but safety wise? Not a hope.'
The inhabitants of this fine city had mixed reactions to me. On the one hand, some were, similarly to those in Ponyville, curious as to who or, more precisely, what I was. Understandable, considering I seemed to be the only human ever seen from what I had gathered from Twilight and the girls.
On the other hand, some were more obvious in their discomfort.
"My word, what is that disgusting creature?" One mare had said to her companions, believing herself to be out of my hearing. The gesture she got from me was totally deserved, though our guard escort was not impressed. 'Don't look at me like that chief, if she want's to talk the smack she'll get the whack.'
As it stands for now, my priority was figuring out what I'm supposed to do until I can figure out a way home - if such a thing is possible, considering I've no wardrobe to fall back on. Twilight Sparkle had mentioned that her mentor and their head honcho, Princess Celestia, was most likely my best bet at being returned to Earth.
Unfortunately she had left us once we had arrived to go confront her brother for not inviting her to the wedding personally, leaving the rest of us to head on up to the castle by ourselves. Having surmised that she was most likely the smartest pony amongst the group, I had been hoping to see what she thought of my
My plan then? It goes a little something like this:
Step 1) Get through pony wedding,
Step 2) Get drunk at pony wedding,
Step 3) Find Princess Celestia,
Step 4) Hope that my charming personality doesn't see my head put on a spike,
Step 5) Be given pony knighthood,
Step 7) Return home with exotic treasures from a far-off world,
Step 8) PogChamp.jpeg.
All in all it was a flawless plan, though the mares did not seem to share in my enthusiasm when I had explained it to them.
"Ah'm not so sure that the Princess is the kinda gal' to be talkin' to like the way yah' plannin', sugarcube," Applejack said as we approached the castle, her friends nodding in agreement.
"Don't you worry Texas Red, with my charming personality and good looks she won't have any choice but to love me," I replied, straightening my collar and dusting my sleeves. 'One must look presentable, even if all they're wearing is an old grey blazer and jeans. Casual wear is better than no wear, after all... unless this lot are into that, the bloody voyeurs.'
"Don't forget your hands, Greysie," chimed Pinkie, who had pretty much been using me for a piggy back ride, "Princess Celestia will love those! I know I do." How she had managed to climb onto my back without me realising I do not know. 'Again, she wants my kidneys.' There were more pressing issues to deal with, however.
"Pinkie?"
"Mmhmm?"
"Never call me that again?"
"Nope!"
'~Greyson's about to beat a bitch~'
As I contemplated the idea of flipping the pony over my shoulder and punting her over the castle walls, the giant bubble that had been surrounding the city suddenly began to grow in size for a few moments, before regressing back to what it had been beforehand. This translucent bubble surrounding more or less the entirety of Canterlot had also been another feature of the city. I assumed it to be for security purposes.
Considering the amount of guards that had greeted us at the station, plus the escort we - or perhaps I - were with, security was most likely the factor behind it. 'It's a royal wedding, mate. They're not exactly going to be pissing about with security and whatnot. If the royals here are anything like ours were back in the day, heads will roll at the slightest cock up.'
Continuing now into the castle grounds, I noticed that the gaze of many of the guards were now resting on me. Most likely they were wary of the strange creature now parading around the castle. Though I couldn't help but notice that some of them seemed to be staring at me harder than the rest. 'Fuck off lads, I'm just trying to vibe on an alien world, here.'
"You know girls, this wedding sounds like a class act and all, but I really doubt I'm on the invite list. Even with Sparky forcing me here, can I even be classed as a plus one at a royal wedding of all thi-"
"Creature!" I was interrupted by an approaching guard who, flanked by two similarly armoured stallions, was staring sternly towards me. "You are to come with us immediately. Her Majesty, Mi Amore Cadenza, wishes to speak with you." 'Oh fuck, ain't she bride to be? I thought I was meant to be seeing Celestia.'
"Wouldn't it be best if I saw Princess Celestia first?" I inquire, "So I can explain why I'm here and such?" It would make more sense, considering I was a foreigner in her kingdom. That, and Twilight said she's the one to talk to and, no offense to the rest, she seemed to be the more intelligent one of the group.
That, and I really wanted to see if I could expand my burgeoning list of pony pettings to the upper echelons of this society.
"Princess Celestia is currently indisposed for the time being," came the reply. "Come, you are to speak with Her Majesty, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza." With that, the guard and his fellows turned and began walking towards the castle doors, gesturing for me to follow.
"Alright alright, give me a second," I reply, picking a pouting Pinkie Pie off of my back and onto the ground, I turn to the mares that I had travelled with. "Well girls, if you don't see me at the wedding, then I've most likely been executed for seducing a Princess." I remark, before turning back and following after the three guards.
"Darling, as charming as you are, you do understand that she is the bride, yes?" Rarity call out after me, she and the rest of the mares beginning to head off around the courtyard to get on with their wedding organising.
"Never tell me the odds, m'lady."
I had never really been inside a castle before. Well, actually no, I have been inside a castle before, but those tended to be the Norman stone ones that had more or less been ravaged by time and left as mere landmarks throughout England. Not to say that they weren't impressive, mind you, but the ones I'd visited had nothing on this.
Then again, we didn't have magical bullshit powers to help build our castles into the mountainside, so they a few points for cheating. 'I still think it's a horrible idea to build this place on the side of the mountain. Sure it looks fucking cool as all hell, but I doubt it'll look as good if an earthquake sends half the city careening down their own Mount Everest.'
The guards had taken me through and about the castle, up the stairs and around a corner every few minutes in a what seemed to be a labyrinth of gorgeous albeit long corridors. A part of me was thinking that not even they knew where they were going at this point, considering they kept sharing nervous glances back and forth with one another.
It didn't really matter to me though, because I was far too preoccupied with the maid in my arms. Why was I carrying a mare in my arms you might ask?
It's a well known fact that adorable ponies wearing maid outfits are cute and deserve to be held lovingly in ones arms and adored forevermore.
"You know, you're taking being kidnapped by the random human rather well, sweetheart." One hand was keeping her steady, the other working its magic behind her ears. She doesn't answer, instead humming contentedly into my chest. "Like really, you'd think that being effectively manhandled and all would have you just a little bit scared and all but nah, you're as chill as can be." Still no answer, still more hums. "Well, you do you, sweetheart."
My theory of these ponies being part dog was not going to be debunked anytime soon.
Despite how ludicrous it was that they were actually talking and capable of using magic and flight, it didn't change the fact that they were pretty darn adorable, however.'Hell, the guards haven't said a word either about all of this. Stoic fuckers, these ones. Oh, that reminds me actually...'
"Hey lads, quick question?" They don't answer, but I continue regardless. "Correct me if I'm wrong but, where I come from, Her Majesty is reserved for the Queen, right? Whose the queen of this place? I would have thought it to be Celestia and all but everyone's calling her a princess."
Again, they don't answer, but I catch a nervous glance sent by one of the guards to his fellows. "I'm gonna guess then that there isn't a queen and that it's like a regency or something similar, aye?"
"All your questions will be answered by Her Ma- Royal Highness Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, creature." 'Fuck me, did he just hiss at me? Since when do ponies hiss? Eh, then again, since when do they talk and cast spells and shit?'
"Alright, chill out mate. Was just asking a few questions, it's not like am an alien or anything. Bloody pint sized prick." If he had heard that last part he made no showcase of having done so, but the giggles emanating from my chest told me the maid had instead. 'If he were invited to parties I bet he'd be sucking the fun right out of them.'
The rest of the walk was spent in relative silence, save for the occasional sighs of happiness elicited from my ear rubs.
A few minutes later and we arrived at a pair of double doors, behind which I guessed to be the chambers of one Princess Cadenza. With the guards bidding me to enter and with the mare reluctantly having jumped off of me - having been bribed with the promise of a continuation of hugging happy hour later on - I entered the room, the heavy doors closing behind me as I waved farewell to the maid.
Now, when one imagines a room belonging to a princess, you'd probably be imaging a room full of disgustingly pink walls, pink curtains, pink plushies, pink everything. Something probably ripped straight from a Barbie Doll collection or whatnot. Considering the world I had found myself in, I assumed this to be a safe bet.
To the surprise of nobody, I got exactly what I was expecting. 'Fuck me sideways, did Pinkie Pie explode?'
"You know, I'm no interior decorator, but surely this place could use something other than pink? I'm sure a touch of anything bloody else would go nicely."
"Tell me about it," a female voice replied from the other side of the room, obscured in the dark. Squinting, I could just about make out a pair of vibrant emerald eyes staring back at me. 'That's not ominous whatsoever.' "I've always said this place could use a little... change."
Stepping out from the shadowy corner in which she resided the pony I assumed to be Princess Mi Amore Cadenza - or Cadance as Twilight had gushed all about on the train - trotted out, my assumption being confirmed by the tiara upon her head. 'Bloody hell, she's almost as pink as this room. Explains the colour scheme. She's bigger than the others as well - coming up to my chest it seems. The other mares only get up to my waist, the lil' midgets. Hold up, she's got wings and a horn? Alright Hannah Montana, calm your tits.'
"Well you're a princess, aye? I reckon you can just grab a few of those lot outside and hand them all a paintbrush." I remark, gesturing behind me at the door. Cadence smirks, her magenta eyes sparkling deviously. 'Huh, I swear they were green a minute ago.'
"Oh of course, all in due time. For now," her horn green and a chair is placed behind me, "let's talk about you." Nodding, I take a seat whilst the mare's horn glows once more and a pair of cushions float over. Placing them down, she makes herself comfortable and turns back to me. "Now, from what I've been told, you are a 'human', yes?"
"Indeed I am, Your Majesty," I reply, making sure to refer to her as her guards had. 'She may be no queen, but she can probably throw me into a dungeon if I piss her off. I'd really rather not see what soap dropping gets me in pony jail.' "As far as I can tell, I'm also the only one around."
"In Equestria?" I nod.
"Pretty much. I'm kinda like the first white man in Africa." 'Or the first non-crackhead in Liverpool.' "So yea, as far as I can tell, I'm the only human this place has ever seen or heard off."
"Hmm, quite."
For the next hour the conversation pretty much became a rally robin of questions as the pair of us went back and forth asking and answering questions whilst learning a bit more about one another. I told her all about the entire wardrobe fiasco and the events of the past few hours leading up to where I was now, whilst she was more interested in learning all about my fine self and where my world, my people and whatnot.
She had seemed particularly interested in my magical capabilities - or lack thereof.
"So humans on your world are incapable of using magic?"
"Not unless there's a bunch of magical schoolkids prancing about up in the Scottish highlands, no."
"So you're not a threat after all." 'This, and 101 other shady sentences to say.' She went silent at this, looking down at her hooves in contemplation. I took this time to just look around the room we were in, still inwardly groaning at the sheer amount of pink surrounding us. 'Seriously, you'd think Pinkie Pie had exploded or something with all the pink in here.'
"Well, that does simplify things after all." The silence was broken by both her voice and by the sudden roaring of fire. By the time I had whipped back around from looking at the walls and back to Cadence, the noise had stopped, leaving me staring at-
"What in the fuck?"
What in the fuck indeed. Once again, I'm left staring at another case of 'magical-bullshittery' happening right before my eyes. A moment ago I was talking to a pink coated, pony princess with a multi-colored mane. Now, I was staring at, and I quote myself personally, 'an onyx, chitin covered, crackhead looking swiss cheese board that probably belongs in a shitty Aliens remake.'
I am truly the heir to Shakespeare.
"You did say you wanted a change of colour, remember?" 'Leave the sarcasm to me you creepy fuck.'
"Eh, it's not exactly what I had in mind personally, Cadence. Though, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and assume that's not really your name." She shakes her head, a wide, nefarious grin plastered across her muzzle. "Who would've thought that."
"It's true, I'm not the princess." She answers, stepping forward menacingly. "But, I'm a generous Queen, so I'll let you go ahead and meet her yourself!" With that, her now crooked horn shimmers in the same sickly green aura from before as the creature before me begins to cackle like a Saturday cartoon villain. '~I'm about to get set on fire~'
Before I could call for help, throw a punch or even flip her the ol' one finger salute, I'm pulled down to the floor by green flaming tendrils. With one last act of defiance before I'm swallowed up by the floor, I grin at the Not-Cadance.
"Your dad's a filthy bald headed nonce."
Yea, that'll really burn a hole in her heart, buddy.
"So you weren't suspicious when the guards were hissing at you?" Cadance laughed, placing down an R-4.
When I awoke after God knows how long on the cold, hard floor of a cave, it was to the sight of yet another Cadance poking and prodding my prone form. The punch that almost took her jaw clean off was an accidental one, though it had left her in the same state as I had been a few minutes beforehand.
"Well, again, I've been here for like half a day. For all I know, you lot hissing could be a mating call or some bollocks." I reply, changing the colour with a Y-4.
In my defence, how was I to know she wasn't another fake? My only interaction with Cadance had seen me set on fire and banished underground. Better safe than sorry.
"Ha! I highly doubt that they wanted to mate with you, Greyson." She changes it up now, throwing down a Wild card. "Blue."
When she had regained consciousness, it took me a good while before I managed to convince her not to skewer me on her horn. It took me even longer to convince her to allow me anywhere near her. Once my usual charm had worked its magic, the both of us attempted to find a way out, with me having to explain yet again to another pony who and what I was.
"Hey, I don't know what you sick fuckers are into. Those horns of yours could have gone anywhere." Not to be outdone, I place down a B-Skip followed by a B-6, much to her annoyance.
The caves were vast and neither of us had any idea where to go and so we were forced to walk around randomly. After what felt like hours of searching, we decided that it would be best for us to take a few minutes of rest from our endless walking around. Somehow, this led to me rustling around my blazer pockets and pulling out a pack of cards.
Why I had them on me, I really have no idea.
"I'll have you know that my horn is the cleanest in the land." She stared at her cards for a few moments before placing down a Wild Draw Four. The smirk on her muzzle twisted into a snarl as I too placed down the same card, forcing her to draw 8 additional cards.
In addition to its family fun, the game also taught her a few choice words.
"This game is so shit!"
"Language, sweetheart." With a wide grin, I call out the name of the game as I throw down a B-9 to leave me with one final card. "You lot are far too cute to be swearing like that."
"Buck you, you hairless ape." She growls, placing down a G-9 in the hopes that it would prevent me from placing down my final card. For a moment, I hesitate, leaving the mare to grin as if she has accomplished something of worth here.
"No you." The G-Reversal is placed down, leaving me with no cards and the taste of victory. Before I could celebrate by fleeing from the now livid pony, the wall to our right suddenly detonates, sending dust and debris everywhere. Thankfully neither of us are harmed. From out of the rubble walks Twilight Sparkle, her horn still glowing. Spotting Cadance, she scowls, and it looks as if she's about to lunge straight for the shaken mare in front of me.
Then she spots me casually waving at her and the anger fades to confusion.
"Hey Sparky," I call out to the mare, "you want to play UNO?"