//------------------------------// // Chapter One: Confessions. // Story: Fake Smiles: Fluttershy's Lament // by Perfectly Insane //------------------------------// “Are you ready?” Rainbow asked, glancing over at Pinkie.  Pinkie didn’t look at her, her eyes focused on Fluttershy’s treehome, what they were currently standing in front of. While her mane was still poofed up, she didn’t have that signature smile of hers. Her face was blank and her eyes distant, deeply thinking about something, but it was hard to tell what. Rainbow was never good at reading others.  “Honestly? No, not at all. But I said I’d do it, so I’ll do it.” While Pinkie’s voice was the same high pitched it always was, there was a more serious tone to it, almost somber.  Surprisingly, things hadn’t been all that different between them since the previous night. Pinkie felt...relieved, was the right word. When Rainbow stumbled across her drinking and learned what she’d be doing, she was genuinely worried that she wouldn’t want to be her friend anymore. She was glad that wasn’t the case, having a friend she could confide and be honest with was amazing, and also seemed to make their friendship stronger.  Rainbow didn’t interact with her any differently because of it either, something else she was terrified of happening. She treated her the same way she always had before, making jokes and playing pranks. While she didn’t actually enjoy any of these things as they were a part of her act, she still appreciated that she was making a genuine effort.  One of the first things that happened that morning was Rainbow approaching her to tell her they were going to Fluttershy’s later in the night, reminding her of the promise she made. Pinkie hadn’t forgotten it, even dreading it a bit, but she was going to trust her friend. If she said that talking to Fluttershy would be good for both of them and that Fluttershy wouldn’t judge her, she was going to believe her.  “You know, you can back out, I won’t hold it against you. I did kinda...just suddenly spring it on you and Flutters, I can’t blame you if you want more time.” Rainbow said with a sheepish smile.  “Nah, it’s the least I can do. I can’t say how things will go in there, but having another person I can talk to would be...nice. Besides, I came prepared, I’ll be fine.” Pinkie said as she patted the white saddlebags she was wearing, giving the blue pegasus a slight smirk that was meant to be reassuring, but she was pretty sure Rainbow could tell it was forced.  Rainbow had a concerned look on her face as she stared at Pinkie, before relaxing and lightly sighing. “Just...be careful in there, ok?” She brought her hoof up to the door, giving it a brief knock. “She’s as sensitive as you are, probably more.”  Pinkie was about to comment on that until she heard hoofsteps on the other side of the door, so light and muffled it couldn’t have been anypony but Fluttershy. It didn’t take her more than a few seconds to reach the door, she must have been sitting in her room waiting for them.  She slowly opened the door, just barely enough for her look outside to check who it was. Once she saw, she opened the door the rest of the way.  “C-come on in.”  The first thing Pinkie noticed about Fluttershy was her mane, and how...off it looked. Normally it was straight and long enough to hide her face behind, very similar to her own when she let it down. Now it was more disheveled, parts of it sticking up in random directions like she hadn’t even bothered to brush it. There were also noticeable dark bags under her eyes, showing she hadn’t gotten a lot of sleep recently. She looked pale, even more so than usual. And her voice was raspy, it sounded like she’d been crying.  Pinkie had never seen Fluttershy like this before, was this one of the depressive episodes she had occasionally that Rainbow mentioned? She noticed Rainbow’s usual smile falter for a second, like she wasn’t expecting to see her foalhood friend like that, before quickly smiling again.  “Thanks Flutters, I hope you’ve got the fire going, it’s cold out here!”  She followed Rainbow into Fluttershy’s home, shutting the door behind her. It had been a bit since she’d actually been in here, but it didn’t seem like it had changed much. The floor was made out of green painted wooden planks, there was a rug or two on the floor and various pet beds, bowls, and bird cages. The back left of the room was where the chairs and a couch were, a window behind the couch and a bookshelf to the right of that. There were also stairs that led up to her bedroom, and there was another room she could see that led to the kitchen. In the back were two smaller doors which lead outside, but where they seemed to be sitting was on the right side of the room.   The right side was where she had a chimney, which also seemed to double as a stove if she needed too, shown by a few pots and pans still on there. There was a strong fire burning at the moment, the only light source since it was still quite dark out. Fluttershy sat on the right side of it, covering most of her body in a white blanket, staring at a spot on the ground in front of her absentmindedly. Rainbow sat to the left of the chimney opposite of her, gesturing the spot in front of the chimney between them to sit.  She held her breath as she sat down, sitting in front of them enough so she could see both of them. She sat the saddlebags gently down beside her, the goods inside getting damaged would be very bad.  She knew Rainbow was curious what she brought in those saddlebags, but if she told her what was in there, she likely wouldn’t have let her bring it. Luckily she was more focused on Fluttershy, she looked extremely perturbed and wasn’t taking her eyes off her. Fluttershy on the other hoof didn’t seem to be paying attention to the world around her at all, her eyes locked onto the cup of hot cocoa she was holding between her hooves, it was almost full and looked like she’d barely even drank out of it. Her eyes were barely open, like she was so lost in thought she hardly was even awake.  Pinkie knew that look well, it was the look of someone that felt her mind was the only sanctuary she had.  “Flutters, I...told Pinkie about your problem. About your...depression.”  As soon as Rainbow said that, Fluttershy’s eyes shot wide open, quickly raising her head to look at Rainbow. She stared at her in shock for a few seconds, before turning to look at Pinkie. Her eyes were wide and pupils constricted, her mouth was slightly open like she wanted to say something, but couldn’t bring herself to speak, and her entire body was shaking.  Pinkie had sort of expected a different reaction, like her getting angry or being ashamed, but not this. She didn’t even seem upset at Rainbow for telling somepony, just afraid. Afraid of how Pinkie will react, afraid if she’ll be treated differently now that one of her friends knew the truth.  It was the same fear that Pinkie had every day, that her friends would find out she wasn’t as happy as her smiles would suggest. “It’s ok Fluttershy, I’m…” Pinkie’s voice trailed off for a moment, trying to think of exactly what to say. “Like you.”  Fluttershy’s eyebrows furrowed, she seemed confused and didn’t understand what she was saying. “Like...me?”  Pinkie nodded and closed her eyes, she took a deep breath as Rainbow and Fluttershy watched her curiously. As soon as she exhaled, her mane deflated like a balloon, going from the curly mess it usually was to completely straight. Her mane hung down her fair like a curtain, her tail flat against the floor like a mop. Her pink coat also faded, a bit duller pink than it normally was.  Rainbow wasn’t very bothered by this, this was the second time she’d seen her like this. Pinkie had also told her yesterday that this was how she was supposed to look, and the way she appeared before was a part of her facade. While she had seen her mane poof up before and her colors getting brighter, seeing the reverse was going to have to be something she’d need to get used to.  Fluttershy, on the other hoof, was significantly more disturbed by this. Not only had this been entirely unexpected, but the last time she’d seen Pinkie like this, she....wasn’t in the best state of mind.  “Pinkie? Are you...ok?” Fluttershy asked hesitantly, her fear forgotten for a moment out of concern for her friend.  “Not really. But…” Pinkie slowly opened her eyes, glancing over at Rainbow who was watching her with a tense look on her face, giving her a small, genuine smile. “I’m better than I have been in a long time, and that’s mostly thanks to Dash.”  Rainbow returned her smile, but Pinkie could still see the concern in her eyes. She was still adjusting to her looking like this after all, it would take time. She turned to Fluttershy, who looked incredibly confused, concerned, and still a bit afraid. Pinke reluctantly sighed, thought this would only be the second time she’d ever told somepony else, that didn’t make it any easier.  “I...I’ve been lying to you guys for a long time. I’m not happy, and I don’t even like throwing parties, it makes me miserable, actually. It’s just all I know how to do, and I…” She broke eye contact with Fluttershy, scoffing as she reached for the saddlebags, opening them and digging in to get something. “I can’t do this sober.”  After saying that, she pulled two things out of the saddlebags, a large bottle and a shot glass. The shot glass was made out of clear glass, easily at least half the size of her hoof. The bottle looked more like something that’d be seen on the top shelf at a fancy bar, at least the size of her leg and filled to the brim with a clear liquid. The bottle was also made out of glass, being white and strangely bumpy. It had a brown cork on the top that seemed like it’d be difficult for earth ponies to open, but knowing Pinkie Pie, she wouldn’t have any real problem with it. The bottle had a small, brown sticker on it, the words ‘Dry Gin’ were on the front in black letters.  “Pinkie....I thought you only drank once a month.” Rainbow said sternly, her eyebrows lowering to a disapproving scowl.  “This...is a special occasion, I always have a bottle for special occasions.” Pinkie muttered without even looking at her, grabbing the bottle between her hooves and biting the cork off with relative ease, not even a single drop spilling. “When I told you that it was hard for me to be honest while I was sober, I may have attenuated a bit. What I meant to say is that I can’t be honest while I’m sober, at least not where I am right now, I’ll work on it.”  Fluttershy, covering her mouth with her hooves as she sharply gasped, watched in horror as Pinkie quickly filled the shot glass to the brim with the clear liquid. She gently laid the bottle down and didn’t hesitate to bring it to her mouth and knock her head back, the entire glass full of liquid going down her throat in an instant. She set the glass back down and stared at, her eyes half-closed and not even glancing at either of them.  “I didn’t eat anything before coming here, so shouldn’t take too long.” Pinkie said in a calm, almost cold voice that harbored no emotion.  “Pinkie, do you....have a problem?”  Pinkie lightly chuckled, that innocent nature of Fluttershy’s was refreshing in a lot of ways. “I have a lot of problems, alcohol is just my way of dealing with them.”  There was a tense silence in the room, Fluttershy was still trying to comprehend what was happening, and Rainbow had a concerned look as she kept glancing between Pinkie and Fluttershy. The party planner picked up the bottle again, slowly tipping it over to fill up the glass again.  “Sorry I didn’t bring you a glass Dashie, I figured you wouldn’t want to drink again since last night was your first time in a while, I’ll make it up to you.”  The confused expression on Fluttershy quickly transitioned to surprise, and then a rare look of anger. Her hooves quickly pressing against the ground beside the cocoa mug and her wings extending to her sides, turning to Rainbow and glaring at her.  “Rainbow Dash! You’re drinking again? You told me you stopped, you know how I feel about that!”  Rainbow began to panic as Fluttershy said that, defensively waving her hooves back and forth as she tried to look anywhere but Fluttershy to avoid making eye contact. “I swear, it was just one drink, and I was just trying to make Pinkie better. I’m not going to start drinking heavily again, I swear!”  The wannabe wonderbolt decided it would be better not to mention that she had already agreed to start drinking once a month with Pinkie, she wasn’t even sure why she brought that up in the first place. While Pinkie seemed to be amused by the spectacle, a slight smirk on her lips as she laid the bottle down, the glass being almost full again.  *It’s good to see she cares so much about Rainbow, I needed to make sure she wasn’t too far gone. Ok, now for the hard part.* “Fluttershy, what are you most afraid of?”  Fluttershy’s wings lowered as she turned, her look of confusion quickly returning as her ears lowered behind her head. “W-what?”  Pinkie raised her head slightly, looking up at the roof of Fluttershy’s home as she pondered how to properly phrase her answer. “Hobbies, favorite foods, the kind of jokes ponies like, the types of friends they have. I have to learn these things about ponies because it helps me understand them, and it helps me make them happy. But for the ponies I’m actually close to and care about, I try to know them better than that. Their dreams and their fears, so I can help them and get how they think.”  Pinkie’s eyes slowly turned to Fluttershy, her gaze piercing through her like she was looking past her. “As much as I might hate it, making others happy is my goal in life, and is the only thing I’m good at. I’ve become...almost obsessed about learning everything I can about others, if I stop being able to make ponies happy and I lose my purpose, I don’t know what I’d do.”  She stayed silent for a few seconds before shaking her head back and forth, snapping herself out of her thoughts and staring at the shot glass she was holding between her hooves. “Rainbow is afraid of not being able to live up to others expectations, which is why she always gives everything she has in everything she does. Twilight is absolutely terrified of failure, which is why she tries to learn everything she can about whatever she can and why she’s so paranoid. Applejack is afraid about losing her farm and her family,  so she dedicates her life to being able to provide for her family and keep the farm working. Rarity is afraid of people thinking poorly of her and dying alone, her generosity and her near fixation on fashion is to try to avoid that.  I used to think you were afraid of being judged and other ponies, but after what Rainbow Dash told me, I’ve been thinking about it since, and I believe it might be something else. If it helps, I’ll tell you mine first.”  Pinkie slowly brought the glass up to her lips, stopping right before drinking it. “I’m...utterly terrified of being alone, I will do anything so ponies don’t leave me.” She knocked back another shot, this time taking a bit longer to put the glass down.  Fluttershy’s eyebrows creased, finding it a bit difficult to believe what her usually exuberant friend was saying. “Alone? But….why? You have so many friend-”  “No, I don’t.” She snapped at her, a more spiteful tone in her voice than she’d ever heard before. “There are a lot of ponies who hang out with me, but I wouldn’t call them my friends. They don’t hang out with me because they like me, they do it because they’re bored and like who I pretend to be, not who I am. My only real friends are you five, and even then none of you but Rainbow really know me that well.”  Pinkie noticed Rainbow watching her out of the corner of her eyes, expecting that she would have been mad at her for snapping at Fluttershy like that. Instead she looked...sad, somehow that was worse. “As for the reason, I was...alone for most of my foalhood. My parents and my sisters hated me, everyday living there was miserable.” She closed her eyes as she remembered her days on the rock farm: The brutal beatings from her father, the relentless bullying from Limestone and Marble, the uncaring eyes of Maud, the cold neglect from Cloudy.  She knew those images and memories were burned into her, she’d never forget them for the rest of her life, especially not when she’s reminded of them every time she was alone with her thoughts.  “They were my relatives, but they weren’t my family. I’ve never been more alone than when I was on that rock farm, I...can’t be alone like that again, it’d kill me.”  Fluttershy opened her mouth to speak, but found it difficult to come up with anything to say, what could she say? Pinkie wouldn’t lie about something that serious, especially not when she looked like that, but what she was saying just sounded unbelievable! When she thought of happiness, Pinkie Pie was practically the embodiment. But hearing that she was actually miserable and so afraid of being alone, and that her family hated her was...staggering.  If Pinkie had really felt like this, and she had never ever even noticed how in pain she was, what kind of friend did that make Fluttershy? Fluttershy looked over at Rainbow Dash, a desperate attempt to see if this was some prank they were taking too far. Instead, she felt her heart sink when Rainbow only gave a solemn nod in response, confirming that what Pinkie was saying was the truth.  “I’m…” Fluttershy nervously gulped as she tried to think what to say, but how could she console her friend, she couldn’t even make herself feel better? All she could do was apologize, apologize for not being better. “So sorry you went through that.”  “You’re...sorry?” There was something darkly sarcastic about the way Pinkie asked that, her face receding behind her mane, hiding her expression. “How dare you say you’re sorry like you understand? Like you have any idea what I’ve been through?”  Pinkie was speaking through gritted teeth, her hooves, which were sitting on both sides of the shot glass, were violently shaking. Rainbow noticed this and felt more afraid than anything, she’d never seen Pinkie angry before. Last night she saw her go through a cascade of emotions, misery, fear, and a bit of happiness.  Anger wasn’t one of them, seeing her angry now was a bit scary.  “Hey...Pinkie.” Rainbow whispered, trying to get Pinkie to calm down. But she either didn’t hear her, or ignored her.  “I’m not going to pretend to understand what it’s like, I’m no shrink, I don’t understand anything about disorders or anything like that. I wasn’t born with anything like that, all my despair comes from trauma. But…”  Pinkie raised her head, allowing Fluttershy to see her face, she almost wished she hadn’t. She could tell Pinkie was scowling, her eyes were almost empty, an angry look in them that sent chills down her spine.  Fluttershy quickly found herself shaking again, a sense of dread filled her that felt different than any kind she had before.  “It’s almost like you were blessed, everything about you is perfect. You are so flawlessly beautiful, and you’re practically a saint you’re so nice. Everypony in Ponyville genuinely loves you because of how nice and innocent you are, no pony alive would ever have the guts to try to hurt you. For Celestia’s sake, you can talk to animals! I know ponies that would do anything for something like that! But you know what really pisses me off? What absolutely irks me?”  Pinkie suddenly stood up, turning her entire body to face Fluttershy. Her entire body was shaking, her teeth grinding together and scowling so hard it looked like her face would stay that way. Rainbow got to her hooves a second after Pinkie did, preparing to pounce on her if she got any closer to Fluttershy. Out of all the possible scenarios she was worried about happening tonight, Pinkie getting so angry that she looked like she might hurt Fluttershy wasn’t one of them. She didn’t want to believe Pinkie would do that, but just two days ago she didn’t think Pinkie was a miserable alcoholic, she was beginning to think this was a bad idea.  “You were bullied, so what? Everypony has been bullied before, and I’m not saying bullying can’t be traumatic or terrible, I know it can. But even you have to know they bullied you because they were jealous or just because they thought it’d be easy because of how shy you were, they didn’t hate you! You have friends Fluttershy! Genuine friends that care about you and want the best for you, who aren’t just using you for their entertainment, they care about you! Even if it wasn’t for any of that, you have a...a family that loves you more than anything!” The more she talked the less angry she sounded, her anger slowly faded into it was nothing but sadness and shame. She shouted the last part and then choked back a sob, hiding her face behind her mane again. Her body was still shaking, now a bit more than before. A small tear rolled down her face and hit the ground, it would have gone unnoticed if both Rainbow’s and Fluttershy’s eyes weren’t on her.  “I don’t understand, I can’t understand!” Pinkie said as she shook her head, bringing up her right leg to rub her face. “I’ve been so jealous of you for years! You are everything I’ve always wanted to be, you have everything I ever wanted to have! And yet, when I heard that you were depressed, that you tried to kill yourself, it infuriated me! Because, if you can’t be happy, even when you have all the things I’d hoped could make me whole again. Then...Then…”  Pinkie’s shaking legs couldn’t support her any longer as she collapsed onto the floor, her breathing erratic and raspy, almost like she was weezing.  “Then what hope is there for me?”  Something the way Pinkie said that made Rainbow’s heart drop, suddenly any worry she had for Fluttershy’s wellbeing quickly went to Pinkie. She rushed over to Pinkie, rubbing her back and trying to do what she could to comfort her. But it didn’t seem to help, Rainbow was never good at helping people cheer up, that was supposed to be what Pinkie was for.  “You think I don’t know that?”  Pinkie and Rainbow looked up at Fluttershy, surprised at the sudden sternness in her voice. The reaction Pinkie would have expected her to have at what she just said would be for her to be whimpering on the ground, apologizing over and over again. Instead, she had just remained deathly silent and still, her mane covering the entirety of her face.  She slowly began to stand up, the blanket she had been wearing before draping off and falling to the ground, her mane still covering her face “I remind myself of that. Every. Single. Day!”  She raised her head, showing the expression she had been hiding from them. Her mouth was shaking like she wanted to scream, but she wouldn’t let it escape her throat. Tears were streaming down her face like a waterfall, her eyes were half closed as she looked at them, like she was afraid if they were open all the way her vision would be too full of tears to see properly.  “Do you...have any idea how hard it is? My friends, my family, everypony cares about me so much, and the ones who know the truth want me to get better. I know my parents pay so much for my therapy and my treatments that never work, and it’s hard on them because my brother’s a freeloader, but they keep trying because they want their little filly they love so much to be cured of this disease! Rainbow Dash knows and tries her best to help me, but I can see the pain in her eyes, and how much it hurts her that she can’t! All the ponies that don’t know try so hard to get me to come out more often, to be less shy, but they don’t understand why I don’t want to get close to others! The truth is Pinkie, I don’t understand it myself. I’ve been told there’s something wrong with my brain, there’s some chemical imbalance and I can’t produce enough of the chemicals to feel happy. I’ve tried! And I tried again! And again! And again! And again!”  With each again she slammed her front hooves against the ground, knocking over the hot cocoa and causing it to spill. She didn’t even seem to notice, she just continued pounding her hooves against the floorboards, as if she was pouring out every last bit of frustration she had felt in her life up until that point. She didn’t stop until she couldn’t any more, she looked more of a mess than before and she was heavily breathing. If she had any actual strength, she probably would have done actual damage.  “Don’t you think I want to feel better? Don’t you think I want to know what’s like to be happy? To feel something other than this endless pit of anguish inside of me? I have done everything I can, animals help me feel useful! Animals don’t care that I can’t be happy, they’re fine with me just caring for them, I can make them happy! I’ve learned to live with it, to try to ignore it, but not a single day passes by that I didn’t wish my smiles were real! The only things that’s stopping me from trying to take my own life again, are my animals, and all the ponies that I would hurt. The mere thought of making Rainbow Dash or my parents that upset makes me feel worse than I do normally! Honestly, I…”  Fluttershy closed her eyes and turned away, her face crinkling as she openly sobbed, every bit of sadness and despair that she’d been holding in was coming out. She had been holding herself back because she was tired of making the people she cared about so worried for her, but the revelation that one of the ponies she looked up was actually miserable was too much.  “Pinkie...I am...was jealous of you. I don’t care about things like how pretty a pony is, I’ve never even thought of myself like that. But...I always thought of you as beautiful. You always seemed so happy, like it was second nature for you. Not just that, but you could make others happy, something I could never do with anyone but my animals. No pony ever worried about you, but maybe we should have, maybe...I should have. I should have been able to recognize that pain in somepony else I called my friend, the pain I live with every day.”  Fluttershy suddenly went silent, closing her eyes bringing her hoof up to where her heart would be. She began rubbing the spot sensually, like she was trying to comfort herself the best she could.  *It’s not your fault, Fluttershy. I’ve been perfecting this mask for years, no pony could see through it if I didn’t want them to. No, I’m the one who’s at fault here. I’ve dedicated so much of my life to understanding others, and yet I couldn’t see what was going on with you. I’m sorry.* “How...do you do it, Pinkie?” Fluttershy suddenly asked, if the room hadn’t been so silent, it would have gone unheard. “If you really...feel the way you say you do, if you’re so miserable that alcohol has become your only escape, then how do you find the motivation to get out of bed in the morning? I lost hope in myself long ago, I know I can’t be fixed. But I still try for them, even then, there are some days where all I want to do is cry.”  The entire room was silent, the only sound was the occasional crackling of the fire and their breathing. Rainbow couldn’t bring herself to say or do anything, she stood beside Pinkie and listened. She knew there was nothing she could say that could help, if there was, then she wouldn’t have spent so many years feeling useless. Now, she felt worse than useless, she felt guilty. How could she not have seen how her foalhood friend was feeling? That she felt pressured and that she couldn’t get better like everypony wanted her too? Rainbow knew better than anypony what it felt like not being able to meet up to others expectations, she should have been able to see it. She had been trying so hard for years to help her, to be able to tell when she was upset, to know when she needed somepony because she was one of the few that knew the truth.  Rainbow was a terrible friend, she couldn’t even help the pony she wanted to help the most, how could she call herself Loyalty?  “I don’t.” Pinkie said in a neutral tone, turning to where the bottle and shot glass still were.  Fluttershy slowly opened her eyes to look at Pinkie, lowering her hoof as her eyes widened. “You...don’t? Then how do you keep going? How do you...stop yourself from giving in?”  Pinkie put her hair behind her ears, deeply inhaling and exhaling as her composure slowly came back. She kept her eyes on the shot glass, grabbing the bottle between her hooves without even looking at it, slowly filling it up. She liked the sound of the shot glass filling up with her favorite mind numbing liquid, the satisfying sound helped her ignore her self-deprecating thoughts.  “Like I said, I can’t be alone like that Fluttershy, I just...can’t. For a long time, I had no desire to live. The exact opposite, really, I came to Ponyville because I wanted to die. I’m sure it’s the same for you, why else would you decide to live so close to The Everfree, when there’s no way you hadn’t heard that monsters come out of it and attack the citizens?” Rainbow’s eyes snapped wide open when she heard that, the realization of what she was saying hit her the hardest out of anything that had been said so far. She slowly turned to look at Fluttershy, her lips quivering as hurt and betrayal were written on her face, tears welling up at the corners of her eyes.  Fluttershy didn’t dare to make eye contact with Rainbow, she wouldn’t have been able to take it.  “Rainbow Dash, just last night, convinced me to live again. It’ll easily be the hardest thing I’ll ever do, but I’ll do it. I’ll try hard every single day, bit by bit, my smiles will be a little less fake. I might hate throwing parties and pretending to be a mindless bimbo, but I can start to be happy knowing I’m making others happy, even if it’s fake.”  She laid the bottle back on the ground when the shot glass was filled, noticing that she had already drank half the bottle. Which didn’t make any sense, she could still very vividly feel the black hole in her heart that was misery.  “I never had motivation before, both to get out of bed, and to end it myself. I was a coward, and I still am. I just couldn’t bring myself to take my own life, no matter how much I wanted to. Now? Now it’s to get better, I don’t think I can ever stop drinking, but I can at least stop the reason why I started. I can’t tell you how to motivate yourself to get out of bed every morning, all I can tell you is to never stop trying to get better.”  “But...I can’t...get better.” Fluttershy murmured desperately, hovering both her hooves in front of her and staring at them. “No matter how hard I try, no matter how much ponies support me, I can’t get better. I’m a lost cause, I’m not….worth it. I don’t deserve it.”  Fluttershy collapsed, just barely avoiding the spilled hot cocoa on the floor. She began to weep into her hooves, covering as much as herself with her wings as she could, hoping if she tried hard enough, she’d just vanish from the world.  Rainbow could do nothing but stare, filled with such a swarm of emotions that she didn’t know what to do. She had a strong desire to comfort her friends, even if she didn’t think she could actually help, she needed to at least make the effort. She also felt guilty, guilty that she couldn’t see the pain both of her friends were in before, and helped them like she should have. And hurt, incredibly hurt that both her friends had been actively trying to kill themselves for so long, even if indirectly. Especially that one of them had promised to never even think of killing themselves again, somepony she had considered her closest friend.  The deep feeling of pain and emptiness in her heart must have been the misery Pinkie spoke of, she wondered how two of her closest friends lived with something so terrible without any of them knowing.  “Your biggest fear, it’s other ponies continuing to care about you so much, isn’t it?” Pinkie asked, watching Fluttershy out of the corner of her eye as she brought the shot glass to her mouth.  Fluttershy continued to weep, though it was getting quieter, there were only so many tears one pony could cry. She made the slightest motion with her head, nodding at what she was asked.  “Ponies caring about you so much, and even more getting added, it makes your burden heavier. The more ponies that care about you, the more ponies want you to get better. You hate the fact that you’re so nice sometimes, because it draws others to you, it makes them care about you. But you can’t get better, no matter how much you want to, you can’t. It just makes it worse and worse, until you feel like you can’t take it anymore. That’s part of why you’re so shy, you don’t want more ponies to care about you, it hurts too much.” She watched as Fluttershy slowly lowered her hooves, her sobs slowly quieting to whimpers. She was hiding most of her face behind her hair and wings, but Pinkie could make out another nod. Pinkie sighed as she knocked back another shot, feeling the very slightest signs of a buzz. Her alcohol tolerance was getting to a point of annoyance, she would probably have to drink the entire bottle to get drunk at all.  “You’re pretty good at reading ponies for someone who said they weren’t a shrink.” Rainbow said in a hushed tone, her voice raspy like she was trying her hardest not to cry.  “Being a psychologist requires diagnosing and understanding exactly how the brain and psyche works, which takes a lot of intelligence and studying. Reading people is a matter of knowing how to read patterns and looking for the right facial expressions and body language, that’s something you get through experience.” Rainbow responded with little more than a grunt, turning to Pinkie and grabbing the bottle. Pinkie didn’t stop her, Fluttershy looked like she wanted to object, but decided to remain quiet. She didn’t hesitate to bring the bottle to her lips, chugging the contents of the bottle until there was almost nothing left but a small amount of it at the very bottom.  She sat the bottle back down and walked over to where she was sitting before, not even glancing at either of them once as she laid on the ground. She rests her head on her hooves, her eyes downcast and expression blank. “Rainbow...please, I’m sorry. I...I never meant to…” Fluttershy’s voice trailed off as she tried to apologize, her voice so hoarse it was barely even recognizable as her.  Rainbow didn’t show she even heard her, her body remaining as still as a rock. Pinkie’s eyes were locked on the shot glass, her ears perked up as she listened intently. She could tell Fluttershy felt absolutely terrible, not just about everything she said, but about breaking her promise to Rainbow.  “I...of course I’ll forgive you Fluttershy, I just need time. You...broke more than just a promise, you broke me.”  She could practically hear the sound of glass shattering at Rainbow’s emotionless words, Pinkie didn’t think Fluttershy could be in any more sorrow, but the way she flinched as more tears rolled down her cheeks showed she could.  She looked like she wanted to curl into a ball and just disappear, and all of her problems go with her, Pinkie already knew she was going to be remembering those words for the rest of her life. She noticed Fluttershy’s eyes look over not at Pinkie, but at the bottle beside her. She didn’t look at it with disgust, but more with something that resembled...curiosity?  “Pinkie, I don’t understand how you’re remaining so calm.”  There was a bit of hostility in her voice, to Rainbow, it seemed like Pinkie was apathetic. She was revealing things she shouldn’t and saying things that shouldn’t be said, but it wasn’t because she didn’t care. She needed to make them emotional, ponies are at their most honest when they're emotional, and she needed them to be honest if she wanted any chance at helping them.  She had to stay composed, if she let her emotions take over and she broke down, she couldn’t help.  “I’m not calm:I feel so miserable and depressed that I just want to get in the fetal position and weeping until I can’t feel my face. I want to scream until my throat bleeds, and keep screaming. I wish I was as emotionless as I looked, I wish I couldn’t feel a damn thing!” Pinkie suddenly said as her hooves slammed against the floor like Fluttershy’s did earlier, her entire body shaking again. Then she took in another deep breath and exhaled, her shaking so slight it was almost unnoticeable. “But I need to stay composed, I can’t have another meltdown again like last night, I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I should have brought more alcohol, it would have helped a lot.”  “Does drinking…really help?”  Pinkie barely heard Fluttershy ask, almost missing it if she hadn’t been listening so intently. There was a bit of desperation in her question, but also guilt, like she knew she was asking something she shouldn’t be. When Pinkie looked at her she tried to hide behind her wings, wanting nothing more than to just vanish.  “Sort of. Alcohol is meant to be an enhancer, whatever you’re feeling when you start drinking will get stronger. However, if you drink enough, you’ll be so numb you won’t even be able to feel anything, assuming you don’t pass out first. For somepony like me, who’s been drinking for years, that’s getting harder and harder to do.”  “Can I try?”  Pinkie’s ears flicked as her eyes widened slightly, that wasn’t something she had expected. From what Rainbow told her earlier and how she reacted, she thought that Fluttershy hated alcohol, likely because of however Rainbow was back when she drank. But now she wanted to give it a try.  She couldn’t really blame her either, when living with something like they have for so long, you start getting desperate.  Pinkie glanced over at Rainbow, but she didn’t react at all, having not heard it or choosing not to acknowledge it. Pinkie slowly pushed the bottle over to Fluttershy, she hesitantly grabbed it between her hooves and brought it up to her face. She recoiled when she smelt the strong stench of alcohol, briefly reconsidering her choice. She put it to her lips and tipped her head back, slamming the bottle to the ground and beginning to sputter and coughing.  “That’s..disgusting! How do you drink that?” Fluttershy asked in between coughing fits, pushing the bottle away from her.  Pinkie found herself chuckling a bit, seeing the first time somepony drank was always entertaining. She saw Rainbow grin out of the corner of her eye, but it was just for a moment.  “You aren’t really supposed to taste it, you just...drink it. It takes a bit to take effect, it’s faster if you don’t have anything in your stomach.”  Pinkie grabbed the bottle and drank the rest of the contents, slipping the bottle and glass inside the saddlebags. She made a solemn grimace as she turned back to face them, this was only going a bit better than her worst case scenario.  “Let’s make a new promise to ourselves tonight, one between the three of us.”  Fluttershy looked at Pinkie, curious and afraid. Rainbow slowly turned her head to face Pinkie, though her eyes were still hidden beneath her hair.  “No more lying, no more hiding how we feel, no more pretending. When we’re together, just the three of us, we let go. We be honest, we say how we’re feeling and why, we ask each other for help when we need it, even if we don’t want to. And, most importantly,” Pinkie glared at Fluttershy, but she surprisingly didn’t look away. “No more wanting to die, either of us. You don’t have to move away from The Everfree, even if you came to wanting to die initially, your animals wouldn’t let you. “Let’s make it a Pinkie Promise. No pony breaks a Pinkie Promise, no matter what.”  She raised her hoof up to the side of her head, preparing to go through the motions if they agreed to it. After a few brief moments of rigid silence, they both brought their hooves up to the sides of their heads. In near sync, they went through the process of making a Pinkie Promise. When they were done, Fluttershy began fidgeting in place, something clearly on her mind she wanted to ask.   “Can I...come with you guys the next time you drink?”  “You...want to come drink with us?”  Fluttershy’s fidgeting only seemed to get worse, her eyes darting back and forth like she couldn’t figure out where to look. “I don’t like drinking, doing it myself or seeing others drink. But, if it can help me stop feeling like this, even if just for a few moments, I’ll do it.” Pinkie turned to face Rainbow, this wasn’t a decision she could make by herself, she needed Rainbow’s approval. She didn’t do anything for a minute, making it hard to tell whether she even heard or not. She gave the slightest nod, but Pinkie could tell how hesitant she was about it, it couldn’t have been an easy decision to make.  “I’ll tell you where we’re going the day before, I’ll bring you something light. It’ll have to be the month after next, Rainbow and I are…” Pinkie had to hide her hooves under her body, she didn’t want either of them to see how badly she was shaking. “Going to see my family.”  “The...same family that hurt you? Why?”  “I need closure, I can’t start healing without it.”  Fluttershy had a perplexed look on her face, closing her eyes for a few seconds before opening them again. “I-” “You can’t come!”  Pinkie and Fluttershy were both equally surprised at Rainbow’s outburst, who was now standing on all fours, her wings sprouted out to her sides, her eyes still hidden beneath her hair. Her breathing was heavy, each rise and fall of her chest large. She looked like she wanted to say something else, or a lot of things, but couldn’t bring herself to say anything else.  “Rainbow? Are you okay?”  The rainbow pegasus noticeably tensed up at her voice, her mouth opening and closing rapidly. She shook her head and turned towards the door, walking towards it without saying a word. She slowly opened the door, her wings flapping a bit as she began to hover off the ground.  “This was...a lot for me tonight, way more than I thought it would be. I need to be alone for a while, I need to think. I’ll...talk to you guys tomorrow.”  She flew out of Fluttershy’s home, the sound of the door shutting echoed throughout her house. Fluttershy’s entire body was shaking, the tears that had stopped rolling down her face threatening to return. Pinkie could only imagine how she felt right then, she had betrayed her best friend, there were few things that could cause more guilt.  Her being there wasn’t making anything better, she couldn’t make her feel better, so she should leave her alone.  “I’m...sorry things went like this Fluttershy, but Rainbow won’t stay mad at you for long, she cares about you too much.” Pinkie slowly stood up, grabbing the saddlebags and putting them on. “I have to leave now, and I can’t help you, not now. I’ll come see you tomorrow and we can talk.”  She turned around and walked towards the same door Rainbow left through, hearing Fluttershy whimper behind her. Her heart sank at the sound of that, wishing she knew how to help her, but she couldn’t. Her point in life was to make others happy, but she couldn’t even do it with the friend she wanted to help the most.  How could she call herself Laughter? “Pinkie?”  Fluttershy’s voice was so muffled and wet from her sobs it was hard to even recognize it as hers, but it stopped Pinkie immediately.  “Are we...going to be ok?”  Pinkie had asked herself that question every day for as long as she could remember, she had an answer for it, but it wasn’t one that would help.  “We’re broken ponies Fluttershy, I don’t think we can be ok.”  For the third time that night, Fluttershy collapsed into tears, unable to hold back her own despair. Pinkie could do nothing but leave, if she had stayed any longer, she would fall into her own.  Misery had become a feeling Pinkie had learned to live with, but seeing it in others, hurt her in ways she never knew she could before. She wondered if what happened tonight was really for the better, or if her own pain had caused her to hurt the ponies she cared about the most.