Upon the Solar Throne, Princess Celestia announced, "Now hearing the case of...who are the parties in this case? There seems to be some confusion about which ponies are even the plantiff and the defendants. Or plaintiffs?"
Bridlewhinny stepped forward, waving her dollhouse-covered hoof in the air. "This...PRINCESS Twilight Sparkle is severely abusing her authority. She has foalnapped my daughter, and when I sought to complain, she misused her magic to imprison my hoof inside this...dollhouse. Which she has repeatedly refused to remove."
Twilight stepped forward from the Mane 6. She said, "You severely abused your daughter for years. You have destroyed any parental rights you might once have had over her. Furthermore, the pony who you ALLEGE to be your daughter combines the three different pony magics of earth pony, pegasus, and unicorn in one single pony. She is a serious candidate for official alicornhood, which gives the Crown special rights and responsibilities of care towards her. Rights and responsibilities which as a matter of state security completely override any privileges of parental propietorship which you attempt to claim."
Celestia inspected the ponies before her. "This is a rather confused case indeed. One of you has referred to a pony who you call your daughter. The other of you has referred to an ALLEGED daughter, and some kind of...candidate for official alicorn status?
"As the chief alicorn of Equestria, I must in any case see this alleged alicorn candidate as soon as possible. Who can show her to me?"
Something rustled inside Twilight's saddlebag. The flap lifted, and a tiny creature climbed out. The hoof-tall miniature pony jumped down to the floor, trotted over to Applejack, and with one tiny hoof lifted the much larger earth pony off the floor for a moment. Having shown her physical strength, the tiny pony unfolded her wings and took to the air, ascending over the other litigants.
"What IS this?" Celestia said. "Oh, Twilight, what is this tiny marvel you have brought to me? And is she a true alicorn? Or merely some clever trick?"
Twilight shrugged. "I'm not sure...I'm not sure whether anypony can know for sure whether she is a true alicorn. But she is a pony with her own earth pony strength, pegasus wings, and unicorn horn."
The tiny flying pony lit her horn and sparked a small magical fireworks display spelling out Celestia's name.
"Oh, how truly adorable. Earth's strength, wings, and horn. But haven't you the power of speech? Little one, what do you have to say for yourself?"
"I know that I'm still a filly," the small flier said. "But I, um, I--"
"Get over here right this instant young lady!" Bridlewhinny shouted, "Or you're going to bed without any supper!"
"What I've learned," the filly said, "What I hope...no, what I now believe is, a mommy is a pony who loves her foal and takes good care of her foal. Please don't make me go with that evil mare over there. She's kicked me so many times. She's made me tell lies again and again so she could trick ponies into giving her things. And she kidnapped her sister, Miss Harshwhinny, so she could take over as head of the Equestrian Games Council. She's not a good mommy, and I guess she's not a good sister either."
"Is this true?" Celestia asked Bridlewhinny.
"You know foals," Bridlewhinny said, "making up stories sometimes."
"One thing I'd like to know," Celestia said, "Is whether you kidnapped Miss Harshwhinny. That mare has been missing for about half a year now."
"I am offended by anypony even accusing me of such a thing."
Celestia looked sternly at Bridlewhinny. "I have only so much patience. First, are you or are you not Miss Harshwhinny's sister?"
"Yes and no."
Celestia gave Twilight a Look. "Princess Twilight, where did you find this mare? Ask her a simple yes or no question, and she tries to answer: all of the above."
"I am Miss Harshwhinny's half-sister."
"Ah," Celestia said, "I suppose that might help to explain the striking physical resemblance. Now did you or did you not kidnap Miss Harshwhinny?"
"Miss Harshwhinny and I were on official business in Diamonddoggerstan. The diamond dogs' government had paperwork showing that Miss Harshwhinny was a wanted felon in that and two other states. To avoid being arrested and convicted for obstruction of justice by the government of Diamonddoggerstan, I cooperated with that country's law enforcement when required to do so."
"I see. You certainly could have made me and the other interested ponies in Equestria wait a much shorter time before sharing that information with us. We could have tried to negotiate with that country's government. We probably could have done something.
"Miss Harshwhinny, can you tell me anything about that paperwork?"
"It was official paperwork of the diamond dogs' government."
"Can you tell me anything about where that paperwork came from?"
"I assume it was generated by an official department of the Diamonddoggerstan government."
"Can you tell me anything about how the diamond dogs came to the conclusion that Miss Harshwhinny was a felon?"
"I...I confessed to them that Miss Harshwhinny broke an important law while she was in Diamonddoggerstan."
"And what law would that be?"
"Princess Celestia, how would you feel if you invited somepony to a grand banquet at your palace, and they refused to eat so much as a morsel?"
"I would feel concern. I would wonder if they might be ill."
Miss Bridlewhinny said, "You and the diamond dogs are a bit different. The diamond dogs would feel insulted, and throw the guest into their dungeons for insulting the Top Dog."
Princess Celestia scutinized the earth pony. "Miss Bridlewhinny, are you telling me that Miss Harshwhinny was invited to a state banquet by the Top Dog, and she refused to eat anything? And the diamond dogs needed you to point this out to them? And you went ahead and got your sister thrown in prison?"
"Half-sister," Bridlewhinny said.
"Sister or half-sister, is the rest what really happened?" Celestia asked.
"It was an example," Bridlewhinny said.
"So what really happened?" Celestia demanded.
"My half-sister met with representatives from several cities within Diamonddoggerstan," Bridlewhinny said, "and she refused to demand bribes from any of them."
Celestia looked down her nose at Miss Bridlewhinny. "I do not see the problem in her behavior."
"For a pony in a high official position to refuse to demand or accept bribes from pon--anypony seeking her help is a serious crime in Diamonddogistan!" Bridlewhinny protested. "It is an insult to the generosity of the diamond dogs!"
"So why did you bother to tell the Diamonddoggerstan government?" Celestia asked. "Wouldn't it have better to have let sleeping dogs lie?"
Several ponies groaned.
Celestia drew herself up proudly and said, "I make no apologies for that pun. How could you do that to your own sis--I mean, half-sister? Getting her imprisoned for...how long is the standard sentence for this crime, anyway?"
"Oh," Raven Inkwell said from behind a desk, "I believe it's at least several hundred years. Maybe a thousand. And I HATE puns."
Celestia blushed. "How...terrible and unjust. Anyway. My question to you, Miss Bridlewhinny, still stands unanswered."
"I was afraid!" Miss Bridlewhinny said. "I was afraid that if she was caught and I hadn't turned her in already, I might be arrested as an accomplice."
From the dollhouse stuck on her hoof came a spooky, moaning voice, "The Voice of the Dollhouse says: only partly true."
Celestia gave Twilight another Look. "Really, Twilight?"
Twilight raised her right front hoof. "As a member in good standing of the Equestrian Magic Association, I promise that the lie-detecting enchantment which I placed on that dollhouse magically stuck to Miss Bridlewhinny's hoof is to the best of my knowledge and skill a correct and proper one. I swear it by...you, Celestia."
"You little snitch!" Bridlewhinny shouted at the dollhouse. "I wanted to replace my sister as head pony of the Governing Board for the All-Equestrian Spring Games. Where I could show FAR more respect for diamond dog culture than she ever did."
"You see!" the tiny flying filly said, "Mommy Bridlewhinny DID kidnap her sister!"
"Half-sister!" shouted Bridlewhinny. "And I did not kidnap her, I was cooperating with a host government!
"Also, that ungrateful filly just called me Mommy! Which goes to prove...something!
"Come to Mommy, dearest!" Bridlewhinny called to the flying mini-filly. "Mommy still loves you, even if you're a little bit confused about international law and diplomacy!"
The tiny filly flapped her wings harder, to rise even higher above Miss Bridlewhinny's reach. Miss Bridlewhinny hopped up and down on her hind legs, trying to reach the filly who was far above her.
Celestia looked out at the courtroom and chortled. She laughed long and hard, her face turning pink. "Princess Twilight Sparkle," the alabaster-coated alicorn said, "I believe you have proven your point."
Twilight's face lit up with an enormous smile. "We've won! We've won our case!"
"Oh, that may well be," Celestia said, "but that is not the point I meant. I meant our discussion last Tuesday night, when I was complaining about how tedious Day Court is. You told me, you thought you could make Day Court more entertaining than a Hearthswarming play. You even bet me that Day Court could make me laugh a sincere, honest horse laugh within this moon."
"Oh! That!" Twilight said. "Of course, I...meant to do that. My concern for freeing an oppressed filly from her abusive parents was...oh buck it, why should I lie? I was only thinking about helping an abused filly. Winning a bet was just a bit of extra luck."
Celestia looked sternly at Twilight Sparkle. "Now," Celestia said, "about this case. And the boon I owe you from our bet. Do you choose to apply that favor to settling this case, to force me to decide this case in your favor?"
Twilight said nervously, "I believe that you will decide this case fairly by your own free choice. I decline to force your verdict."
"Decided!" Celestia said. "I find Miss Bridlewhinny innocent..."
Bridlewhinny jumped up and down on all four legs, repeatedly clashing the dollhouse against the floor. "Hooray! Little Scrawny Flanks is coming home with Momma! You ungrateful brat."
Celestia gave Bridlewhinny a Look. "Innocent, that is, of kidnapping Our Emissary Miss Harshwhinny."
Miss Bridlewhinny stopped celebrating. "Oh...horseapples."
"Whereas, in the related charge of deliberately sabotaging and impeding communications between Our Government's Emissary Miss Harshwhinny and the Crown, in a matter where We needed very much to receive Miss Harshwhinny's request for our help, and she very much needed to send an official communication to Us..."
Miss Bridlewhinny wilted like a parched flower.
"Guilty," Celestia ruled.
"As for the sentencing...Princess Twilight Sparkle has been agitating for something she calls sentencing reform. She thinks We might do well to impose sentences that tread a middle ground between Tartarus and no punishment at all. This case offers an opportunity to try out her suggestion."
Miss Bridlewhinny looked hopeful. "Sentenced to time served? Probation? Community service, working as the headmare of some large charitable organization that receives many valuable donations?" With this last of her suggestions she looked...unwilted.
"I am amused by the enchanted dollhouse inside which Princess Twilight has trapped your hoof. I propose we continue THAT experiment."
Miss Bridlewhinny bucked and snorted. "But if I can't tell lies without being called a liar, how am I to make a living!"
"Don't worry," Celestia said, "Starting tomorrow (to give you an opportunity to go to bed without supper tonight) I'll arrange a gruel ration for you. And excepting in winter, there is usually grass in the fields. Think how much spare time you'll have to relax, when you're not so busy telling lies and defrauding ponies and mistreating your filly."
Bridlewhinny fumed. "But telling...very creatively created facts, and making one-sided deals with ponies who I needn't bother with some of the details, and giving my filly VERY special mothering, IS how I relax!"
Celestia pointed her horn. "This court has decided. Do not anger me, lest I send you to the moon for a thousand years without an oxygen tank."
Bridlewhinny slinked shamefacedly out of the room.
"Now," Celestia said, "We do have a few other matters to settle. For one, something needs to be done about extricating Miss Harshwhinny from her imprisonment by the diamond dogs."
"Better be careful who you send to negotiate," Twilight commented. "Anypony you send had better not do any favors without demanding a bribe, or you might have TWO ponies to rescue."
"I propose a simple exchange of favors," Princess Celestia said. "They return Miss Harshwhinny to me post haste and in as good condition as they can. In exchange, a solar flare does not blast Diamonddoggerstan so hard as to crack the ground down to wherever the Top Dog is hiding and make him sorry he ever annoyed me."
"Ooh," Pinkie said, "that might work. Not blasting the Top Dog is a good favor."
"But just in case," Celestia mused, "I prefer to send a diplomat with a proven record of employing appropriate measures on short notice. Or an entire team. I propose to send you six."
"I can throw Miss Harshwhinny a Glad You're Getting Out of Diamonddoggerstan Prison Party!" Pinkie Pie said. "With a file hidden in every cupcake just in case."
"You know," Twilight said, "Spike is a growing dragon. I think he might be old enough to come along with us. Think about how he helped negotiate peace between us and the changelings. And how handy it'll be if he can send our messages to and from Celestia."
"Yes," Celestia said, "you have a point. But if he DOESN'T go with you, so you six and I can't communicate so easily, think of the opportunities for dramatic misunderstandings! How entertaining that could be!"
Everypony laughed.
"I agree with Twilight," Celestia said. "Spike should accompany you six. Another point in favor of that plan is, there's an extra implicit threat when they see us ponies getting along so well with a dragon."
Applejack said, "If we seven are going to Diamonddoggerstan, who will take care of Tiny Hooves? We can't take her on a dangerous mission like that. Not until she's bigger. Or at least older."
Celestia stood up, and descended the steps from her throne. "Let's go find her. I already have an idea, but we should discuss it with her just to make sure." Celestia led the way out of the Throne Room.