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// Health Experts Warn That Water Kills 100% Of Ponies That Drink It 
// Story: Anon 69 News 
// by Amilition 
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Health experts around Equestria put out a statement warning that water kills 100% of ponies who drink it.

And Luna continues to deny that she has a secret body pillow of me, although I clearly found it in the back of her closet. . . if I disappear, it was not on my own accord.

From Anon 69 Public Radio, I'm Anonymous and this is Anon 69 News. Remember to request for notifications in your newspaper to be alerted of future episode schedules, or you can sign up for the teleportation program. Teleports you live at Anon 69 Public Radio when we click that record button.

Health experts put out a concerning warning today stating that you will certainly die if you drink water. With more on this, Twiglies.

"It's Twigs."

Not one single bone in my body gives a flying fuck.

*Sigh*

"This evening, health experts put out statement that 100% of ponies that drink water die. They go on to explain that they had ponies at the age of five drink a glass of water. Monitoring they're life, they concluded that it takes around 80 to 90 years for water to take full effect, causing death."

Wow. Sounds scary. Do they have a solution for this.

"No but they are beginning to conspire that Princess Celestia and Princess Luna may have something to do with it hince they haven't dropped dead and continued to live for thousands of years."

Wait, are they saying if I hadn't had one cup of water in my life, I too, could be immortal?

"Sadly no. They say that we need the nutrients inside of it but one component is inside of it that dooms us to mortality. They just don't know it yet. Again, they believe the Princesses know something about it."

Seems like we will have a revelation against the Princesses over water on our plates soon. Fun. Anyways, thank you Twilight for the report. Have a good day.

"That is far from my name." 

Moving on, Luna continues to deny-

*Slam!*

"Anooooon! Massage! Now!"

Um. . . I'm in the middle of-

"Don't. Care. Me, you, your fingers, my room, now. I also bought some expensive whisky. I want to get shit faced drunk and make some horribly good decisions with you."

*Sigh*

Coming.

This has been Anonymous From Anon 69 News. See you till next time.