Everyone knows what they say about cats, and curiosity. How fortunate it is then, that I am not a cat. I am instead, an absolute maverick. Thusly, I deemed it safe for me to satisfy my curiosity, and witness Twilight's reign of terror over the Apple trio. Spike suggested viewing proceedings from the library's balcony, which to my mind, seemed an excellent idea. He carried my plate of pancakes upstairs for me, and even a couple of chairs! (I'd have carried the pancakes myself, but seriously, find a heavy ceramic plate, LOAD it with pancakes, then try carrying it around in your teeth. You'll know damn well why I accepted Spike's generous offer).
So there I was, sat comfortably, munching down the fluffiest pancakes you ever did see, and admiring Twilight's remarkable capacity for utter carnage firsthand. Uhh... firsthoof, maybe? Whatever. Point is, the spectacle was quite something to behold.
In the intervening period between my being offered pancakes, and my making it to the balcony, Twilight had teleported the toilet seat (with pinpoint accuracy) around Braeburn's midriff. As he galloped about town in a blind panic, the toilet seat's lid gave him the absolute spanking of a lifetime. I could literally hear his progress through the cobbled streets. For the morbidly curious amongst you, it sounded a little like this; 'clop-clop *spank* "HYEAYUH!" clop-clop *spank* "H-HARDER" clop-clop *spank* "BYIG MAAAAC" clop-clop...' etc. I had a terrible feeling Braeburn was finding more enjoyment in this process than Twilight had perhaps intended.
Applejack didn't fare much better, being bodily lifted and stuffed into the wardrobe, which Twilight then slammed door side down onto the pavement. The remaining clutter carried in her levitation field was piled neatly on top of the wardrobe, very definitely trapping poor Applejack inside. The 'distinct' and 'unmentionable' item was nowhere to be seen; and given the heartfelt and sorrowful honking issuing from beneath the pile, I fear I could take a pretty accurate guess at its rough location. Ten out of ten for imagination, Twilight. That's... that's pretty disgusting, to be honest.
Twilight had then moved onto Big Mac, tossing his draft collar into a tree, well out of his reach. The poor fellow lay beneath it, utterly motionless; gazing up with quivering, tearful eyes. I have never seen a chap look so broken. With one simple act, Twilight had pretty much dismantled the poor guy on an emotional level. I was almost impressed by her cruelty; unrelenting, unfathomable, and pristine as it was. I eyed the despondent Big Mac with tentative curiosity, and horfed down the last morsels of pancake.
With mild surprise, I noted that the chaos hadn't spared Rainbow Dash, either. Somehow, she'd been wrapped up in the bicycle frame and deposited on a nearby rooftop, in a remarkably compromising position. She'd manage to wrestle one wing free though, and was flopping it around ineffectually. From the look if it, miss Dash is no Houdini. Either that, or Twilight really resented her saving Braeburn's life, and folded that bicycle around her very tightly indeed. Still... the unfortunate pegasus was practically vibrating with consternation, and naughty words - making every conceivable effort to worm her way free. I definitely admired her spirit... In that situation, I'd probably have given up long ago, and started crying.
"You uuh... think she's done yet, Spike? The others look pretty done, I mean..."
"Naaaaaah..."
"What, wait, seriously? Surely she should just be going for Braeburn anyway? Why're they all gettin-"
"Well do you want to try stopping her?" Spike cut me off in a firm, but polite tone.
"...Absolutely not."
"Yeeeeah... didn't think you would." Spike tittered, whipping out a pair of sunglasses from god know's where, and laying back to bask in the afternoon sun.
"Did I detect a hint of smugness in your voice there, Spike?"
He gazed flatly at me from behind his shades, offering me a wry grin.
"Maybe..? Honestly though, don't worry too much. Twilight wouldn't actually hurt anypony." He said, turning away to see how Big Mac was coping. "Not physically, anyway." He muttered, almost as an afterthought.
"That's... comforting, I guess?" I murmured, doubt tinging my voice. Desperately, I repressed the violent mental images of Braeburn's first encounter with Twilight.
Spike hummed non comittaly in reply, thought for a moment, then... "I've not seen you around here before, have I...?"
"I... yeah... you have, yeah. I just looked a little different the first time we met." I gestured to my fluffy pink self. "I'm afraid to say that I am, ugh, I was, 'mister Baboon'."
Spike was completely nonplussed. I guess this sort of magical fuckery was the norm around here. "So you're miss filly now, huh."
"I'm still getting used to not having a dick any more. I really don't need reminding that I'm a filly, mate." I muttered, bitterly. "Anyway! Thanks for the pancakes" I continued, in an effort to change the topic. "Any idea why I'm here? W-wait... maybe the better question is HOW am I here? And can I go back?"
Spike lifted his shades off, and peered at me sadly. "I don't think you can't go back... Twilight taught me a bit about this kinda stuff and uuh... I'll try and explain it to yo-"
"I'm stuck here?!"
Spike's anguished expression told me all I needed to know. "L-look... I'll do the best I can to help you understand, but you're not going to like it. Talk to Twilight if I can't make it clear for you - I'm just her assistant, after all... but..." he peetered off, and gazed at me soulfully.
I let out a shuddering breath, trying to settle myself. "...okay. Okay. I-I think I'm ready for this."
Spike looked away from me, eyes turned to the salmon pink sunset, as a cool breeze rippled across my mane, and sent an uncomfortable chill down my spine. Then, in a slow, quiet voice, he started.
"Imagine a doorway. It's... almost never there, and even when it is, it's almost never open. Our current understanding of Thaumic science? Well, it suggests that you were transported here by one of these 'doorways'.
"Doorways...?"
"Two magical planes that just so happened to align in just the right place, at just the right time, right on top of a thaum sensitive entity; that being you." Spike turned back to me, and I'm sure I could see the glitter of a tear. "You're not the first to be dragged between realities, I'm afraid. What happened to you, well... it's happened to others too. Discord, for one. Twilight says Celestia said that's how he ended up in Equestria. Sometimes, Equestrians go missing too. Gone, without a trace."
"And you guys can't just... stop any of this from happening, I guess?"
"We can't! Magic is unpredictable. Dangerous, sometimes. We have no control over these magical fields! A-and there's only one way home for you. Well... only as far as our current understanding of quantum thaumaturgy and planar theory suggest. Just one potential solution, and... it's one you won't like."
"...Lay it on me."
He let out a defeated sigh. "Remember where you awoke in Equestria for the first time? Well, if you stand in that exact spot for millennia, you might just be lucky. The magical fields that transported you here may align again, and they potentially could even take you back to your Earth. Then again... they might not..."
"MILLENNIA?! SPIKE, I... I don't have millennia!" Dread filled me to the core, as Spike drew in a deep shuddering breath.
"I-I'm sorry. I just... there's no easy way to say this. Unless you're functionally immortal, there's no going back. You need to make your peace with that. The sooner you do, the sooner you can work towards a new life here, in Equestria."
Well, that pretty much did it for me. I felt even more emotionally broken than Big Mac. "Still", thought my mind, as the world slowly went black, and the floor rushed up to meet my face... "Spike is a hell of a lot more intelligent than he looks".