//------------------------------// // Method Acting // Story: Myou've Gotta be Kidding Me // by DataPacRat //------------------------------// (Author's Note: This chapter contains content that may be considered 'dark', due to the nature of the violence within.) As I left the Hall and passed the Hitching Post, I realized a new factoid about my new home - in a culture where most people didn't wear clothes, streetwalkers had to wear more than average to advertise their profession. That's completely irrelevant to everything, it was just a minor realization I had at that point. What was relevant was that Bright Red had told me two facts: Stalliongrad's mayor, one Ward Hoofer, didn't like word getting out about how bad the conditions of the inner city were; and he'd gotten stuck with ownership of an airship which he couldn't use and hadn't been able to get rid of. Put those together, and with a bit of cleverness, it should be reasonably simple to flash my badge, and let him pull a fast one on me by having him give me the airship in exchange for a promise to keep quiet. And then Red Pepper and the rest of the gang and I could fly off into the sunset and get on with saving the world. As plans went, it was a reasonably decent one. I was more of an engineer who'd picked up a knack for cutting through red tape with a explosives than a politician, so I might want to get Marble or Star to do the talking with Ward while I loomed menacingly in the background, but that was just implementation. But whoever would be doing the talking, we'd need a bit more data to pull off a decent bluff - so a tour of some of the local sites seemed to be in order. Marble Pillar insisted that I not go alone - and that we take a taxi. I was reluctant, given the state of our finances, but she was quite firm. "If you're not going to listen to my advice when I have some to give," she pointed out, "then what am I doing here at all?" Thus, I found myself seated between Amethyst on my left, and Brick on my right, with Red and Blanche keeping an eye on us from above. I felt rather swaddled as the two ponies pulling our taxi-cart out of the train station. By the time we were halfway through the center of the city, I found myself checking my wallet to make sure it was still in my suit pocket. "I went to the circus the last time I was here," I growled. "The mayor funds that - but lets all this happen? This is worse than -" I hesitated, not wanting to mention a non-Equestrian place, like Calcutta or the Rio favela, so finished up with the rather lame, "I'd imagined could happen in Equestria. If Hoofer isn't spending every last bit he can get his hoofs on on improving this place - then I think I'm going to need to take a different approach with him than I'd been planning." "It's always a pleasure to meet an official from Canterlot such as yourself," the Mayor greeted me with stiff politeness. His eyes flicked to Marble Pillar and Star Chaser, who I'd chosen to accompany me. "And your associates, of course." "Don't mind them," I schmoozed. "I mostly keep them around as eye candy." "Perhaps we should allow them to relax here, while you and I converse in my office." "Oh, don't worry - their minds are as much under my control as their bodies." "Pardon?" "What, you don't recognize them? I really must improve the mail routes between here and there. The mare there is Star Chaser, former heir of the Barony of... you know, I don't particularly care. And former stallion - Princess Luna herself gelded him for me. Marble Pillar, there, was once a unicorn. She thought that just because I was a cow, I could be pushed around. So after the first time she tried to have me killed, I cursed her whole house. Her mother was quite desperate to have the curse removed - I rather enjoyed accepting the wealth she handed over to me." "I... see." "I don't think you do. Not entirely, anyway. But I believe I have made my point with them. Toodle-oo, you two - it's time for the grown-ups to talk." I strode confidently into Ward's office, and he followed. I looked around at the decorations - while they weren't on the level of the Canterlot nobility, there was still plenty of luxury to be had here. "Ah, good," I remarked. "After seeing your city, I suspected you knew the true purpose of power - but now I'm sure you do." I pushed open the window, took a deep breath, then plopped my ample rear end in the chair behind his desk. I put my hooves behind my head as I swiveled it around to watch him. "I'm sure I have no idea what you mean." I kept pushing, to try to keep him off balance. "Pffft. Don't try to kid a kidder. If you bought into the official line on 'friendship' and 'harmony', you'd have sold off almost everything in here - say, is that an original Ponynov plein air?" I knew it was, after cramming as much about Hoofer as I could. "Selling off that alone would buy - who knows, I don't spend my time buying things for ponies who can't do me any good." The mayor was gritting his teeth. "If you like it, then perhaps-" "Oh, no - you're not getting away with giving me something so small." "Wait - I wasn't-" "I came here because I think you're a pony who can do me some good." "And what might I be able to do for you, Inspector?" "Give me time." "Er... yes? How much do you need?" "Oh, not like that. I had a falling out with Prince Blueblood, and so he took away his airship. He's under the close eye of the Princesses, so I couldn't squish him." I frowned, forehead wrinkled. "I tell a lie. I could easily squish him, it would just take more effort than I care to expend cleaning up after him. It takes forever getting anywhere by train, and I have so many places to go - it would take months by train, and a fraction of that by airship. I noted that you seem to have a spare one. I intend to have it." "That's very - direct of you. What were you thinking of offering me for it?" I snorted again. "You overestimate your bargaining position. You think a mare or seapony is the worst thing I can turn you into? I can do things you can't even imagine - what you most want from me is for me to just leave and forget you ever existed, even if you don't realize that yet." "You talk well - and fast - but I don't believe you. You're just a Royal Inspector of Dairies - you aren't even the head of that organization, anymore." I let myself smile. "I prefer working from behind the scenes. Much more leeway to have fun than when I'm in the spotlight. But I can understand that you want to be able to tell yourself you didn't just break even, but profited - so go ahead, tell me what you most want from me. I might even deign to grant it, before I go back and tell the Princesses what a naughty pony you've been. I give myself bonus points when I can get them to do what I want by obliging them to follow their own propaganda." I was surprised his teeth weren't cracking. "Then perhaps, to begin with, we could make an arrangement for your silence..." I gave a mental sigh - that was the point I'd been trying to push him towards, but I'd been hoping he actually had some good reasoning for keeping himself in luxury while the slums festered. But if one of his top priorities was keeping news of the local conditions from spreading... well, however much it might be dressed up, or whatever it was called, censorship was the first building block of tyranny. I'd never actually sat down to talk with a full-fledged oligarch before - or, given the local culture, would the proper term be 'nomenklatura'? - but knowing that Ward Hoofer counted as one lowered all my inhibitions in dealing with him using methods I usually reserved for violent attackers. It didn't matter, morally, if a pony died from being stabbed through the heart, or because of a disease that was easily preventable if a real hospital had been built instead of the moneys for it being funneled to somepony's cronies. Dead was dead - and anything I did that reduced Ward Hoofer's ability to profit at others' expense was a net positive, in my book. Though I was still going to have to spend some time double- and triple-checking myself on that, afterward, just to be sure. And being prepared to deal with the consequences if it turned out I was wrong. In the meantime, I interrupted Ward. "Hmm.... nope. I may be quite insane, but even I know how troublesome it would be if I started making promises I end up breaking - and there's just so many ways you can twist that agreement to put me in a bad light. Come to think of it, you could do that even if I didn't promise you a thing. Maybe it really would be simpler for me to just turn you into another of my pets. I hadn't planned on taking over a whole city so soon - but perhaps I could rearrange my plans for that." "You can't - I mean, I won't-" "You think you're immune, for some reason? Ah - I apologize, I only brought along my ex-noble pets. Perhaps a different demonstration is in order." I cleared my throat. "I find that there is dirt on my hooves," I said distinctly, but no louder than my earlier conversation. "I feel like abusing my hoof-cleaner." I counted down silently - five, four, three, two... and Blanche dove through the window. Outside, Red Pepper was hiding, with two pieces of equipment - the parabolic microphone she'd once used to listen in on Marble Pillar and me, and the CAT WHISKER tuned to match up with the one hidden in the bottom of Marble Pillar's wheelchair. The radio wasn't needed at the moment, since Blanche had been waiting for just such a summons. Once she was on the office floor, she crawled towards me, groveling. "This one profusely apologizes, mistress. Your humble servant abases herself before your greatness, and requests any and all correction that you feel could improve this one's performance of her duties." I offered Blanche a silent apology - I was about to cross a line in my treatment of her. But of all the options I'd been able to come up with, I simply hadn't been able to figure one out which didn't involve somepony getting hurt - and given Hoofer's attitudes, this was the smallest hurt I'd been able to devise. I reached inside my suit jacket, and tossed down a small flogger. "Don't scar your hide, I don't want you to stop being pretty yet - but I want to see blood." "Yes, mistress! Of course, mistress!" She picked up the small whip in a hoof, and swung it over her left shoulder, hitting her back with a simple 'thwack'. On the backswing, she curved the tip around her other shoulder, with another 'thwack'. And kept on repeating the process. It was obvious she wasn't faking - she flinched with every strike. And stared up at me with wide, shining eyes, seeking my approval. I turned away from her, looking back at Ward. His expression was... one of those complicated ones I was horrible at deciphering. Fear, definitely; surprise and incredulity, most likely; disgust, perhaps just a tad; and... something else. "Now then, where were we?" "You - that is, I - that is... oh, for Celestia's sake, she'll stain the carpet if she keeps that up!" I carefully ignored Blanche's self-flagellation. "And I should care about that because..?" He winced at the latest thwacks. "I've got much better places for such activities, if you insist on them. Easy to clean up, no matter how much damage." Now wasn't that disturbing. I sighed dramatically. "Fine, fine - for your carpet's sake. Slave, stop that. Attend to your duties." I stretched out my hindlegs, and Blanche crawled over to start kissing them. I tried not to look at her - even from the corners of my eyes, what I saw made me want to throw up. I converted that feeling into bringing up a wad of cud, which I tried to chew calmly. "I really must insist that any arrangement we make includes privacy on all matters." "I won't make a promise like that - but I will point out, how could I possibly profit by announcing something that I'd be shown to be complicit in?" "I also want a million bits, hard cash." My snort wasn't feigned. "Oh, please. I'm well aware you haven't even gotten that boat into the air once, since you got it - and just keeping it maintained is costing you money." He raised a single brow. "If that's so, then why have I kept it?" I shrugged. "How should I know? Maybe it's a tax write-off. Maybe you have some sort of sentimental attachment to it." "I did receive it as a birthday gift - though from a rather crazy earth pony." I wiggled my rear hoof, as if in irritation. "That's enough of that. Go away." "Yes, mistress!" Blanche hopped to the window and jumped out. "Anyway," I continued. "I'm going to leave in it. I'm just here to see what it would cost me to keep you from being an annoyance trying to get it back." "Where do you need to go so soon?" Time for an outright lie. "The sooner I can get to Fillydelphia, the sooner I'm going to stop hemorrhaging cash from an... undisciplined underling's mistakes." He got a speculative look in his eyes. "Need to get there as fast as you possibly can, I suppose." I nodded agreeably. "Ponies are like puppies - you have to catch them in the act and rub their nose in it to get them to understand. If I could be there tomorrow, I would be. Oh, and hey - I can be!" For the first time - he smiled. "I understand perfectly. In that case - I offer you the Mikoyan... as a favor. Be in Fillydelphia tomorrow, and remember that I helped you be there so soon." In the river, at the docks, floated a vessel which, at first glance, looked much like any other sailing ship. But a closer look revealed some significant differences - the low side balconies meant it would almost certainly capsize in any storm, and the engine pods had some rather large propellers. According to its official design specs, it was a 'light destroyer', with room for one captain and a crew of eight. Made of lightweight baobab wood, enchanted for durability and to cut its weight down, and without a large airbag, it was potentially much faster than the usual airships flaunted by the nobility. And that was, in fact, the main problem with it. By law, nobles' recreational airships weren't allowed to by faster than military airships. With the slow balloon types, that generally wasn't an issue. But this design could break that speed limit all too easily, which would lead to it being impounded, if not simply shot out of the air. The way Ward had acted - it seemed he thought I was unaware of this little detail, and was going to fly at full speed to my destination, which would quickly lead to the Royal Equestrian Air Force taking me out of commission. I had no intention of letting anything of the sort happen. Plus, a careful reading of the regulation in question revealed that, technically, it only applied within Equestrian airspace. Or, at least, it arguably did, and I would be sure to press that interpretation if it was ever required. But even keeping the speed down to the same as the Alicorn, having my own airship was going to be a lot faster, and more convenient, than a railroad, and could easily go places the rails didn't. On the other hoof, perhaps Ward had decided to make other arrangements to get rid of both me and this white elephant - I was going to be checking the whole thing for bombs before it lifted a foot out of the water. "Blanche." "Mistress." I winced. "You don't have to call me that." "I know. I just like it." I sighed. "And I know you enjoyed your... role today." "Yep! I'd do it again in a heartbeat!" "I know. And - even so... I'm still not sure that, by my own standards, I did the right thing by... letting you. Encouraging you. Whatever the right words are. By the terms of the compact I hold myself to - I think that it's very likely that I infringed on your rights... even if you don't necessarily recognize that the right exists. I may not be able to get you to accept the love-potion being un-done... but I can at least try to find some way to recompense you for," I gestured my hoof at her bandaged back, "this." "A night." "Pardon?" "Give me a night - one night, of you all to myself - and you can call us even." "Um. I'm not going to say 'no' - at least not right now - but before I say 'yes', I'd like to think about it. Do you mind if I hold off on answering?" "Of course I don't mind!" I sighed again. "Of course you don't." "Besides, it would be better if we waited until I was healed up, anyway." "... Ah. Hm. I'm not sure I can figure out the best answer - but I do plan to try. I may not always meet my own ethical standards - but when I don't, I can at least hold myself to the standards I've set for myself when I fail. In the meantime... try not to pick at it, okay? I wasn't lying when I said I didn't want you scarred." "Does that mean you were also telling the truth, that you think I'm pretty?" I did the only sane thing I could think of - without a word, I turned and walked out of the cabin. It wasn't quite screaming and running away, but Blanche wasn't in any shape to chase me.