"So. Twilight, how was your date?"
Twilight smiled. Her cheer honestly felt infectious. "Great, actually! We have so much in common... Did you know that he's a published cartographer? Some of his-"
It was nice that she was happy, but you mostly tuned out the specifics. Seriously, cartography?
"So, what have you been up to lately, Mike? I got the sense that your meeting with Luna didn't go well."
Oh, right, that. Luckily, you were great at improv. "Yeah, some weird sex stuff happened in another pony's dream we were visiting. I don't want to talk about it."
"Riiight...."
"Anyways, I think I figured out why your planet is advancing so much slower than mine."
Her ears perked up. How cute. "Is my theory that magic reliance has slowed down the natural sciences correct? It was about time that I made an original contribution to Equestrian science!"
"Nope. I've been going through the demographics of your planet, and it turns out to be much lower than my planet."
"But that shouldn't matter, right? I mean, the most advanced nation, Equestria, has a pretty average population density. Raw numbers of creatures aren't what make scientific progress."
"See, that's where you're wrong. Equestria has a population of a little over 5 million. The griffons have something like 800 thousand. Your entire planet has fewer sapient beings in it than Tokyo. And don't you see the obvious problem with your statement? Scientific discoveries are made by people. The more scientists there are, the faster discoveries are made."
"Hun." That really got your noggin' a-joggin'. "So, you said that the population of your planet was a few hundred million before your industrial revolution?"
"Yup. And as our population increased..."
Something clicked in her head. "So did your rate of scientific progress. Wow. I think I need to write a paper on this."
"After you dictate the book, of course. Ghost writing is definitely a step up from furry smut, I would say."
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"Your people certainly have a lot of problems, Mike. Why can't you just put the right people in charge at the top? Don't you change leaders every few years anyways? Surely a few moral and capable Presidents would be able to fix everything, right?"
"Well, have you considered the possibility that a system composed entirely of well-meaning people can still act malevolently as a whole?"
This was one of his shitty riddles, wasn't it?
"No. Our entire political philosophy is based on the idea that each pony has a single other pony they report to directly. The mayor reporting to the governor, who reports to the Princess, and so on. The Princesses keep only the most capable and honest administrators below them, who do the same, all the way down to the mailpony. As long as the top remain uncorrupted, it's difficult for evil to sink in, and easy for it to be removed."
He paused for a long moment to gather his thoughts.
"In the Ancient Mediteranian, there was once an empire called Carthage. It was built on trade. Well, trade and war.:
"Was? What happened to it?"
"Actually not important in this story. Anyways, they worshiped gods that often demanded bloody sacrifices, and one of them, Moloch, was both powerful and demanded the burning alive of one's children in exchange for his blessing."
"What? Are you fucking with me again, Mike?"
"Actually, no. Human sacrifice was pretty common back then. Although the part about one's own children was actually really uncommon. We're not sure how reliable the historical sources are, but I digress."
You really hope it was a misinterpretation of something normal, like cremation or something. That's messed up, even by Earth's standards.
"Anyways, imagine that Carthage went to war. In exchange for victory in the war, the nobles of Carthage could each sacrifice their first-born son. It's nasty, but not near as nasty as what might happens if they were to lose - in that case, a lot more than just a single child would die."
"And first-born sons are the most likely to die in a war anyways. I think I understand the logic."
It was really really disturbing, but if it were real...
You could honestly see some of the old Equestrian precursor states actually doing that. You shivered involuntarily.
"Did that actually work? Was Moloch real?"
"Nope, and no."
You're not sure if that made things better or worse.
"Now imagine if both sides of a war both worshiped Moloch."
"Uh, neither side has a theological advantage so... Oh."
They would be killing their children for nothing. And if either side stopped doing it... they would lose, and lose everything. You were starting to feel sick. All that death and suffering, and for nothing!
"But that could be solved with things like treaties and mutual agreements... right?"
"Maybe. Some of the time. We do have international agreements to not deploy certain weapons in war, and to avoid targeting civilian populations when possible."
You mind kept drifiting back to the image of human foals, suffering in the agony of fire and parental betrayal.
"Mike? What happened to the Carthage?"
"They were defeated by their rival Rome in a series of wars. Carthage itself was badly looted, and most of its people were killed or enslaved."
"Can you explain how this explains a dysfunctional political system?"
"Well, let's just say that some times, we try to make decisions that, while they benefit us as individuals, they harm society as a whole. Even worse, there are some coordination problems where everyone wants to switch to something that will make everyone better off, but can't because the first person who does harms both themselves and everyone as a whole."
"What changes would make things worse every step of the way, but suddenly make things better at the end? That doesn't make any sense!"
"I thought you were a librarian? Well, imagine that someone invented a better way of organizing books, so that it was easier for both the workers and visitors to find things."
"Is there? Not going to matter much since I'm going to be quitting soon, but I'm still curious."
"You're quitting? I thought you liked that job."
"Yeah, well, culturing bacteria and learning statistics is taking up way too much of my time. I'm technically still on vacation."
"Anyways, the first library to switch to that new system is just going to confuse everyone, and make things even harder to find, as will the second library, and so on."
"But by the time you get to the majority, everyone is better off."
"But no one person can make things better just by themselves. If they try to change things, everyone is actually worse off."
Despite the wonders of Mike's world, there were times you were grateful to live in Equestria.
"What if there was a single power who could, say, order the libraries to do this? Maybe a Princess of some sort?"
"Do you really see Celestia caring enough to micromanage which filing system her libraries use?"
Oof. It mattered to you, but from her perspective? Mike was probably right.
"Oh, speaking of tyrants, have you been thinking over the theory of evolution we talked about last night? Specifically the part about livestock domestication?"
So much to do and yet so little time...
====================================================================
"You look concerned, Luna."
She took a bite of the meatballs and looked pleasantly surprised. "Mmmm... salty."
You turned the handle on the sink absentmindedly and was unpleasantly surprised by a splash of water. Damn it. Dream logic can have a mind of its own, especially if it's in a busy IKEA.
She laughed a little, before going back to her regal poker face. "Well, I've brought it up with Sister, and she just didn't seem concerned. Said it was just variation in the numbers, or maybe it was differences in how the data was collected. But I've been thinking over what you've been teaching me about genetics, and I'm.... nervous about this recent rise in suicide rates."
An Asian family walked by the two of you. You smiled at the fact that they weren't wearing masks.
"Well, what exactly were you guys selecting for, say, 20 years before this started?"
She paused in thought for a few seconds.
"Well, Celestia'd thought that aggression and friendliness were at about the right levels, and were experimenting with other traits. I think intelligence and pair-bonding... I actually had a little fight with Celestia about that last one when I returned."
"Pair-bonding?"
Luna blushed a little. You had no idea how that's physically possible with her dark fur.
"Well, ponies aren't perfect. Cheating and divorce aren't rare among my people."
Ahh, things were starting to make sense. "And you thought that by making couples fall in love harder you could avoid that?"
She shook her head.
"Firstly, I disagreed about the whole thing. I always thought that romantic drama was part of what made us grow, the spice of life, if you will."
You thought back to your girlfriend from Sophomore year.
Slut.
"And secondly, she was trying to make the bond more permanent, with less unrequited feelings, things like that."
"And you're surprised that made ponies commit suicide at higher rates? Luna, I minored in biology. I know how pair bonding works. I've seen it in animals, read papers about it. In those with strong enough pair bonding, a male that loses its partner doesn't find another - it just refuses to eat, enters a deep depression, and dies."
Her ears tilted back. You gave her a gentle pat on her neck. She's so cute when she's sad. "Actions have consequences. You say that a lot, and it's true. We acted without full understanding of what we were doing, and now our subjects are paying the price."
You sighed and took another bite of the meatball.
"It's understandable, really. We want love to be simple, to be easy, but our biology consipires against us every step of the way. Those who philandered had more children than those who didn't. Evolution is a shitty god."
The two of you remained silent for a few minutes, until a little girl came up to you. "Hiya, mister! Can I pet the pony?"
You looked expectantly towards Luna. "Ah, no, sorry, little one. I have important business elsewhere. It has been a fruitful meeting, Mike. Until next time."
You woke up and looked at your alarm clock. It was 4:22 AM.
Fuck.
===============================================================================
"Remember when I reminded you that this relationship we have has benefited you a lot more than it has me?"
You pushed as much sarcasm into your voice as you could manage. "No, Mike. It's not like you mention it every chance you get. Need I remind you that I've spent 20 hours over the past week working on your magical computer?"
"Well, I finally have an idea that doesn't involve written smut."
You mumbled a praise to Celestia that you wouldn't need to do that any more.
"Remember when I offered to help you cheat at chess, and you turned me down?"
"That's not how I remember that conversation going down, but sure."
"How about we do things the other way around? Once you have a computer built, I'll be able to cheat at a great number of things completely undetectably."
You scoffed. Your recent obsession with machine game playing is starting to pay off.
"Enough that it looks organic to a Grandmaster? Good luck. It'll be insanely sketchy. And that's assuming I can build a computer that can manage that on my side. I've watched those computer chip documentories too, you know, and there is no way I can match transistor sizes without an infrastructure bigger than the entirety of an industrialized Equestria."
"Yeah, but that's chess, and I was thinking of casinos."
You felt your ears tilt involuntarily foward. This was going to be good. "What did you have in mind?"
"Statistical analysis of roulette wheels, card counting at blackjack, and you feeding me statistical analysis in poker games. Or maybe Luna helping me read bluffs."
"I'm actually not too familiar with poker, but those sound like great ideas! Why haven't you tought of them before?"
"I did, but I've been in FUCKING LOCKDOWN FOR GOD DAMN MONTHS, FUCK!"
Mike had been getting increasingly upset about the whole lockdown thing as of late. You made a note to ignore it unless it escalated.
"Sorry, I'm a bit frustrated. Anyways, I'm a decent player, but Luna kicks my ass in every game we've had since I've taught her the rules. And since we can't do it on my side, why don't we give it a shot on yours? You have casinos in horse land, right?"
"Well, Cadance is holding a charity dinner this weekend. There's going to be poker. We'll even be able to cash out if we win."
"Sounds good. Now all we have to do is prepare."
========================================================================
You saw Cadance giving you the stinkeye.
Fucking pink slut, if I weren't so drunk, I would walk over there and give you a piece of my mind. You looked down at your cards briefly, and forgot about them seconds later.
"Raise five big blinds." You heard Mike say into your head.
"What's five big blinds?" You asked out lound.
Blueblood chuckled a little.
"That's 50, Princess. That's brave, really, and I admire that."
You smiled a little and pushed in the chips. Blueblood complemented you!
Mike's voice popped into your head. "Yeah, he's trying to trick you into bet more. Be careful."
You saw a 5, an 8, and a king for the flop. They were all red. If you don't know what cards you have, and don't know what you're doing, there is no way they can read you, right?
"Alright, raise 40."
You did, and Starlight folded her small blind. Blueblood stared at you for a whole minute.
"I'll raise you another 40." He said with growing intensity.
"Should I go all-in?"
"I would go half, Twilight, and stop talking out loud."
Blueblood looked increasingly uncomfortable now.
You think you were winning.
He swallowed his drink hard before speaking.
"Buck it, I'm all-in."
"I call."
Rarity coughed politely. "Sorry, dear, but I haven't gone yet. And I fold. This is getting too rich for my blood."
"Like I said, I call."
Blueblood and you revealed your cards, and you frowned.
"Aww, fuck, you had a pair of kings? Well, there goes my Princess money for the last two months."
Blueblood looked at you with disgust, and got up for some reason after the next two cards landed.
Rarity started laughing. "Dear, you got a heart flush on the flop. Flush beats three-of-a-kind."
"Yay! I won!"
"I think I made the right call with the suited Ace-King deal. Nice job, Twilight!"
The jumping you've been doing was upsetting your stomach though, and you ran towards the bathroom.
Cadance wrinkled her nose at you when you came out of the stall. "Twilight, you're ruining my charity dinner. Please go home before you make an even bigger fool of yourself. I'm saying this as your friend."
You got up on your hind legs and wrapped both of your front legs around her neck for support. She pulled her head as far away from your vomit-crusted mouth as she physically could.
"Cadance, you're bucking hot, I ever tell you that? I mean, if you weren't married to my brother, I would probably ask you out or something. Pretty sure that you're into girls too, right? As things are, you're still my friend, and I love you. As a friend. I know that ponies call you a slut or whatever, but I don't think there's anything wrong with that."
You can hear Mike choking back laughter, and you started to laugh too. "I honestly think ponies are just jealous of the great sex you have with Shining. He tells me that you make him happy, or complete him and other mushy stuff like that. And that you do anal. I've never done anal. Is it really that good?"
"Say that you haven't tried because strap-ons are too expensive."
"Hehe. And strap-ons are expensive. Or something. Anyways, goodnight, Princess Candance."
You levitate yourself to give her a smooch on the lips.
It was hard to do, because she pushed her back against a wall, but you manage it despite her protests and gagging.
You felt elated as you walked back to your table. "We have to do this again some time", Mike said. You couldn't agree more.
=======================================================================================
"Why in Celestia's name did you let me do all of that? I've embarrassed myself infront of half the Royal Court!"
"You need to be more specific than that."
"Alright, let's start with why I woke up in bed with my ex-boyfriend!"
"You know, that's one thing I actually tried to talk you out of. Now I can't get the sounds out of my head."
"It's not funny", you mumbled.
"It actually really is. You're responsible for your own actions, you know. You told me last night that you were capable of making your own decisions, and there was nothing I could do to stop you anyways."
Hun. You did remember saying something like that.
"Well, I'm not used to drinking that much, and there are big gaps in my memory. Is there anything else I don't remember? I'd ask my brother, but he's been ignoring me for some reason. I think I blacked out after Blueblood left the table."
"Well, you puked, kissed your sister in law, said that you had a crush on her, teleported to your ex's house after you realized it was cringe, said some more cringe, and got shoved into a shower. I kinda started playing metal music to drown out the sounds after that, but I do distinctly remember a lot of squeaking sounds. Like a dog toy or something."
"A dog toy? But Flash doesn't own a dog."
"I honestly thought you would be more upset about the Cadance thing, but horses for courses, I guess."
"That doesn't even make any sense." It took you a moment to process his statement. "Wait, I did WHAT to Cadance?"
Spike walked into your room right as you said that. He sniffed the air before recoiling slightly in disgust.
"Uh, Twilight? Are you alright? You smell like a night of bad decisions."
"Can you leave me alone for a few hours? My head still hurts."
The little dragon drops some parchment onto the floor before back away. "Well, I have a few urgent letters from Cadance and Celestia. What's a 'degenerate'?"
Mike did a poor job at pretending to not be amused.