//------------------------------//
// Getting Audited 
// Story: My Twilight Facade 
// by axelsempai 
//------------------------------//

Princess Luna yawned as she stepped out of her room.  It was time for breakfast before her evening duties, for which she was sorry that she didn't get much sleep.  Too many worries clouded her mind.

Her steps took her past a slightly opened door, from which emerged voices.  She didn't think too much of it at first.  It led to an office used by a guard, but she didn't immediately remember who.  She walked right past it with barely a glance until she heard a particular voice.  Shining Armor?

Her mind jumped to the captain's revelations the previous day.  Surely he would still have that fresh on his mind, seeing as it dealt with his sister.  With that conclusion, she had all the reason she needed eavesdrop.  She silently sidled to the opening and held her ears in prime position to hear every word.

The first pony she heard was whatever other pony speaking with Shining, asking a question timidly.  "Didn't you say the princess wanted to wait and see what happens?"

Shining replied to the question with restraint, but hid little of the edge in his voice.  "A pony has been replaced by a monster.  She can't seriously expect anypony to leave this alone, especially when it's my own sister!"

The second pony sounded sympathetic.  "I understand, captain, but if the princess wants us to observe, then what else can we do?"

"She might not let us act directly, but we can speed things along."

"But how?"

"We need to probe her defenses, so to speak.  She does a good job playing nice, but we can get her to drop the act if we can frustrate her enough.  That's why I'm assigning you to this."

"What makes you think this will work, though?"

Luna heard paper sliding across the desk.  "On this paper shows the locations of the impostor's hidden stashes of bits and jewels.  I believe she's withholding her income."

The anonymous guard reacted with surprise.  "She's evading taxes?"

"That's what I'm thinking.  I need you to escort the tax pony and search the premises for any additional stashes you can find."

"What do we do if we find them?"

"Confiscate them, but don't arrest the impostor.  We need to frustrate this mare, not draw attention to us."

"Yes, sir."

Luna heard enough.  She teleported back to her room before she could be caught.





I floated my sore, exhausted form into my living room, not even bothering to close the door behind me.  Limp and sore beyond belief, I dropped my levitation when I passed over a table.  I landed face first on its edge and sent it, with me in tow, crashing to the hard, comfortable floor.

Spike rushed in from the kitchen, dropping his gemstone in shock as he rushed to my fallen self.  "Dusk, are you okay?  What happened?"

I groaned and shifted an unresponsive arm.  "Demons bad.  No summon."

"YOU SUMMONED A DEMON?"  He gawked.

"We fought.  I won."  Barely.

"It doesn't look like you won!"

I groaned weakly in response.  I almost didn't.  It turns out that demons are pretty strong.  Who knew?

A flash took our attention.  A scroll summoned by teleportation magic fell next to my head.  I slowly dragged my arm over to flick it open.  Sadly, I couldn't read it from my position, and I didn't feel like moving any more.

This wasn't sent by dragon fire.  Whoever sent this isn't Celestia, but it's gotta be important.  "Spike, could you read that for me?"

Spike sighed with exasperation.  He figured he might as well do this little favor for his reckless brother.



My friend, I hope this missive finds you well.  Captain Armor is sending a tax collector with a compliment of guards to search your house for hidden funds.  They will arrive in the morning, so you must be prepared!

-Luna.



"Damn it."  I found the strength to push myself up to my knees.  "I am not letting some pencil pusher come here and take my money."

Spike put his claws under my shoulders, helping me to my feet.  "Are you sure you're okay?"

I shook my head, stumbling over to a table not yet overturned.  "I don't need rest, I need a plan."





My hooves knocked on the Boutique's door, rattling the frame from my only then noticed strength.  I seriously had a problem with gauging that.  Still, the sound it made echoed in the house, so Rarity definitely heard me.

She opened the door with a smile and a polite greeting, both of which fell the instant she saw me.  In fact, she reared back and screamed "A mummy!"  Rarity sprinted back inside and tripped over nothing like a true damsel in distress.  "Please, whatever you do, don't hurt my beautiful dresses!"

I sighed.  "Rarity, it's me."

Just like that, Rarity got up like nothing was wrong.  "Oh goodness, what happened to you, darling?  Are you alright?"

Why does everyone keep asking that?  "Actually, I have something more important to tell you."

"Um, alright.  What is it?"

"Hot sweaty stallions at my place."

Rarity froze, eyes dilated  and wide at the news.  "When?"

"Around ten in the morning."

She steeled her expression into fierce determination.  "I'll be there."

I smiled in a most sinister fashion behind my wrappings.  Perfect.





Besides that brief aside with Rarity, I'll skip over most of my preparations.  The only thing I have left to add is that I cast another All-Nighter just to get ready for this invasion of my privacy.  All the stashes were moved to secure locations you don't need to know.  When morning arrived, I sent Spike on his way with a few bits and the instructions of "go wild".  With the little dragon out of the way, I could focus entirely on my plan.

The plan began with me leaving my house keys on the table nearest the door, and then walking outside, locking the door, and closing it.  I may have also jury-rigged a spell that made my door indestructible, and wouldn't you know it, a tragic accident with a blow-torch fused the lock into scrap.  What a misfortune!

I reclined in a beach chair and adorned some really dark shades.  With forelegs folded behind my head, I closed my eyes and relaxed until the show could begin.

That's what the intrepid colts in gold saw when they arrived about half an hour later.  The whole lot of them stood a few paces away when a sniveling sort of stallion sauntered up to me like he meant something.

"Are you Twilight Sparkle?"  He asked.

I raised my glasses and gave him a quick look.  Slick, greasy hair haunted my eyes.  One could hardly hold back a grimace at the self-important gaze he gave me.

"That's me.  What do you want?"

He puffed himself up and looked down on me like I just shat on his lawn.  "My name is Boot Licker, royal tax collector."

I hummed in acknowledgment.  "Uh huh.  Is there a reason you're on my property?"

He scoffed like a stooge.  "Your property?  Please.  You can't own property if you pay taxes."

Ugh.  "You're not answering my question."

"We're here to search your property for funds you've been hiding from the Equestrian Tax Office.  We'll be confiscating the requisite thirty percent as mandated by Equestian law."

"With interest, I assume?"

"Naturally."

I rolled my eyes and put my sunglasses aside.  It was too bad Equestria didn't have a need for warrants, or I would have abused that to get an extra day just to fuck with this guy.  "Well, the door's right there.  Feel free to go on in."

He made to do just that.  However, he could only jiggle the handle.  He glared at me.  "Please unlock your door."

I patted myself down and gave him a helpless shrug.  "Sorry, I don't have my keys on me."

His eyes narrowed.  "You locked yourself out of your house?"

"What can I say?  I'm a real scatter-brain."  I replied airily.

He huffed.  "No matter.  I'll just have the guards unlock the door for us."

One of the stallions in gold drew a lockpick from his armor and made to put it in the lock.  It didn't even go halfway before it "thunk"-ed into an obstruction.  He stood back and shook his head at the tax pony.

"Did you sabotage the lock?"

"Oh, that was Spike.  He had the hiccups, you see.  Nasty business."

His expression lowered into a glower as he wracked his brain for a solution.  "Very well, we'll just have to break it down."

"Just letting you guys know that any damage done to my house will be compensated through the courts."

He scoffed that away with the usual dismissive-ness bureaucrats have towards the law and made way for the big boys to do their thing.

The first stallion shoulder checked the door, only to fall on his ass.  Thoroughly confused, or probably concussed, a bigger stallion stepped in and tried his luck.  He slammed into the door with the full fury of a 'roid machine, rocking the house hard enough for a few brown leaves to float down.  He gave the door a hardened frown and heavy buck.  Didn't even scratch it.

The lockpick stallion yelled at me.  "What did you do to this door?"

I made a show of looking confused.  "What do you mean 'what I did'?  You guys are the ones banging on it."

"But it's not breaking!"

"Uhm..."  I swayed my head around in thought, even though I came prepared with this excuse.  "I guess I got it reinforced.  I used to have pegasi slamming into it all the time, so I made it sturdier."

The earlier, bruised stallion piped up.  "Why didn't you warn us of that?"

"It slipped my mind."

The atmosphere got heavier, and glares were levied.  They would obviously need something bigger.





A new squad of guard ponies joined the fun.  Their repeated banging did nothing to the full might of cheap wood and sparsely oiled hinges.  They were completely flummoxed at it all.  How could a simple door be this strong?

Eventually, it got to the point where they figured that they'd just slam into it all at once.  I doubted it would work, but I had no problem letting them beat themselves silly.  I just popped open a cold one and relaxed as it unfolded before me.  The whole mass of ponies backed up a good one hundred feet, psyching themselves up for another rush.

The earth rumbled at their passing, twenty stallions of rippling muscle and gleaming armor rushing forward like drunks trying to make it for the last call.  One after the other, they made contact.  Every subsequent impact moved nothing.  The only thing they accomplished was hurting themselves.

Light puffs of sand alerted me to the approaching bounces of my dearest Pinkie Pie.  She stood right next to me with a concerned frown.

"Hey Twilight, have you seen my party cannon?"

I briefly glanced at the tumult by the door, momentarily wondering why Pinkie didn't bring that up first.  "Uh, sorry, Pinkie.  I haven't seen it."

"Could I search your house?  I don't know where else I could have left it."

I shrugged indifferently.  "Be my guest.  We're just having trouble getting the door open."

"Don't you have some really cool magic trick that could open it?"

I smirked deviously.  "They don't need to know that."

That confused her, prompting a deeper frown.  She sat next to me, watching the next charge.

They hit the door again.  It was textbook insanity.

"Why are they trying to break your door down?"

I took a quick sip of my bourbon.  "Welp, these boys want in, and I locked 'em out."

"So why don't they just use a window?"

I giggled behind a hoof.  "Let's see how long they take to think of that."

Another series of slams from a futile effort.  The frustration permeated the air like heat from an oven.  And Celestia thinks I have anger issues.

The front-most stallion staggered to his hooves.  "Okay, I think I felt something crack that time."

Another stallion piped up.  "So we're making progress?"

"No."  The weakened stallion slumped into a fitful unconsciousness.

"So hey,"  I asked Pinkie.  "You want some lemonade?"

She smiled.  "You know I love sugary drinks."

A flash of magic sent a can of lemonade into her hoof.  Meanwhile, the guard ponies were gathering their strength for another go.

"You boys ready for another rush?"  One asked.

"Yes, sir."  Most replied.

"No..."

"Alright, form up on three!"

Before he could begin his count, an egg splattered into his face.  It was with wide-eyed fury that he wiped it clean and glared at the offender.  He hardly reacted to the glowing green sprite that mooned him with rumbling laughter.

"Get that guy!"  He ordered.  Three of his subordinates ran off chasing the sprite around a corner.

Well, that was unexpected.  Still, I sipped by drink and smiled wider.  "Three down, seventeen to go."





The brave, stalwart ponies of the Royal Guard valiantly chased down the mischievous monster as it fled.  The flying coward had not the guts to face them!  They swore to make it pay for throwing that egg.

The green beast turned a corner to an alleyway.  This was their chance!  They took the corner with great zeal, feeling in their hearts rise.

Only for the sight of a second sprite grinning behind a cannon to stop them dead in their tracks.

This second sprite blew a raspberry, pulling the firing cord.  It was a moment that hung in their minds for hours.  They processed every tiny detail that spoke of their oncoming humiliation.  Their final thoughts just then were rumination on fumbling into an obvious trap.  A harsh blast of confetti and party streamers put them out of their misery.

FWEEEEE!





"Hey, that was my party cannon!  Gotta go!"  Pinkie ran straight down the road like her tail was on fire.  I had to take her word for it, since my ears weren't as sensitive as hers.

At some point, a few of the guards wandered off for some "equipment".  That was sure to be a blast.  In the meantime, Boot Licker stomped back over to me.

"Seriously, open your door."

I took a slow sip of my drink.  "And how do you figure I do that?"

"You must have some way of getting into your own house!"

I shrugged.  "I dunno what you want from me.  Just call a locksmith, or something."

He sighed, partly in relief at the suggestion.  "Fine then, who's the locksmith in this town?"

I shrugged again.  "I dunno, I never needed one."

He gave me a red-faced grimace that sounded like a tea kettle and stomped off.  Damn, what was his problem?

With half the team missing, the remaining guards sat around to catch their breath.  Though badly beaten by an inanimate object, they would still be ready for the next round of attempts.  Not that any of this stopped them from shooting glares at me, relaxing like I was watching daytime television.

It occurred to me that I was building a growing resentment among the guard.  Well, it was inevitable.  With their captain now working against me, it was only a matter of time until the rest of them saw me as a villain.  Let 'em come and test their patience against my wit.  I'll win every time.

Then reinforcements arrived.  My reinforcements.  With a pleasant "Yoohoo!", Rarity trotted into view with a parasol and a folding chair.  Damn, girl came prepared.

"Twilight, have you been hogging their attention all this time?  For shame!"  She lightly admonished.

I waved my hoof in a lazy circle.  "Ah, they came in a little early.  Still plenty of time to get a lovely view."

Rarity turned her attention to the colts in gold, and hummed her appreciation.  "I should say."

There was one good reason that I invited Rarity to this particular occasion.  In all my life, I have never seen a more effortless tease.  Empirical evidence showed that Rarity was so attractive that other species would be immediately enamored.  She was a perfect candidate to distract a group of hardy, virile stallions.

Sure enough, hearts filled their vision, and this auditing shit didn't seem so important.  Smiles grew on their lips, and they broke ranks to speak to their new goddess.  Just as I expected, she ate up the attention easily.  It didn't take long for the colts to volunteer to set up her viewing gallery for her as she settled in with a coy smile that I knew was genuine.

Seriously, she loved the attention, but knew little about what to do with it.  I guess that's the problem with saving yourself for a prince:  no actual romantic experience.

Oh, and that makes eight left.

Boot Licker came back over, because I guess he just couldn't get enough of me handing him his ass.  "Who's the floozy distracting my guards?"

I took another sip of my drink, but this time I maintained eye contact.  I lowered my bottle onto the ground and folded my hooves over my chest.  "If you call my friend a floozy one more time, I'll punch you in the mouth."

He paled and backed up an inch.  "Y-you'd go to prison."

"I'm not afraid of prison."

This seemed to scare him into submission, and he went away.  Good thing, too, because I was having fun watching the guards fan Rarity with palm leaves.  I don't even know where they got those in this climate.

The remaining guards eventually returned with their special equipment.  Turns out it was a battering ram.

I laughed out loud.  They just skipped the crowbars and such for the nuclear option.  They were really gonna break the door into splinters out of spite.

They set up their siege, but not before noticing that half their number was occupied.  Instant frustration surged through their ranks.  Then Boot Licker said something to the one in charge and pointed at me, no doubt blaming me (and justly so) for the distraction.  They shook their heads at me and went back to their mission.

So they went for it.  The big ram reared back and slammed into the door with vicious force.  No dice, no surprise.  Turns out using magic barriers to hold a door closed were more powerful than a large rod of hard wood.

This was another half hour of effort on their part.  Repeated impacts on my house did nothing to get them inside.  It was loud, though.  My neighbors and random ponies in the area stopped to watch this growing spectacle.  Rumors were already flying around about what I was hiding in there that was so important.

It also turns out I have a reputation.  I thought it was strange.  Like, I didn't get into mischief that often, did I?

The eight remaining stallions not distracted by tail pulled back for another attempt.  They threw everything they had in one last attack, screams of frustration filled the air in the vain hope their little toy could do the job.  The ram shot forward like a bat out of hell, hit the door, and splintered apart.

I made no effort in hiding my laughter at their impotence.  The shame-faced guards glared petulantly at the vicious mockery.  Who knew what they were gonna try next?

Well, they tried lockpicks, body slams and battering rams.  They were quickly running out of options.  Discussion emerged about what else they could possibly do.  The growing consensus was getting specialized help from Canterlot, a unicorn mage with expertise in subverting abjuration.

Then one of the younger guys had a bright idea.  "Why don't we use that window over there?"

My laughter doubled.

So the whole lot of them stacked up by the kitchen window and smashed it with a brick.

"You guys are gonna pay for that, by the way."  I called out.  They ignored me.

One by one, they climbed through the now broken window.  I figured it was time to go in myself, so I stood off my chair with a languid stretch and a steady pace to the still unscathed door.  A flash of magic was all it took for the door to creak open right in front of the guards now occupying my library.

They gaped with exasperation I thought wasn't possible.  "You mean you could have opened that this whole time?"

I shrugged and trudged to a nearby chair with a easy smile.  "I guess so.  I'm such an airhead, aren't I?"

Silence, except for the gnashing of teeth.

The stallion in charge bellowed out an order.  "Search everything.  And be rough about it."

And by "rough", he meant ransack my damn house.  They offered no mercy to my poor library, immediately throwing books off the shelves with no care about their condition.  They scoured the shelves of anything that looked like a secret compartment, tossed about the furniture, and knocked over my statue which shattered into pieces.

"Hey hey, that shit is public property!  This is the library's operational budget you're fuckin' with!"

One of the stallions scoffed, ignoring me and more concerned about their destructive search pattern.  "Nothing here.  I'm going to the kitchen."

His search through my kitchen was as destructive as the living room.  I heard my fridge opening and its shelves clattering against the floor.  He soon went through cabinets and cutlery like he was just vengefully destroying my property without care of his real job.

"Hey assface, my kitchen had better be useable when you're done!"

A few of the stallions went upstairs, and the cycle continued.  Blades cut open every bed and pillow I had without care, and every container was busted open.  Nothing was untouched, or unbroken by vindictive guards.  

They searched my house high and low, but found no money or gems to confiscate.  When the guards all reported this to the tax pony, he seethed and stormed up to me, who was even more infuriated than him.  "Where are all the hidden funds you had?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."  I growled out.

"The hidden caches of gold and gems!  Captain Shining Armor said you had at least five of them!"

Oh, so that little bitch was behind this after all.  And he only found five of them, the fool.  "I don't know what you're talking about."

"The reason we were told to come here in the first place!  We had explicit orders to find them based on his own observations!"

"You broke into my house and broke all my shit on his orders?"

"Yes!  He told us you were a criminal!"

"Oh, alright.  You wanna know something?"  I leaned in, growling low and glaring threateningly.  "You'll be hearing from my fucking lawyer."

The sniveling little shit snorted and stomped out of my house, figuring he wouldn't be getting anything out of me.  The other disheartened stallions filed out in single file, shooting me acrid glares as they passed.  Despite the mess my house became, I knew this was a victory on my part, so I held an even expression to each of them.

The last guard faltered in front of me, letting his fellows gain some distance.  When he turned to me, I was expecting a veiled threat or an insult from a wounded soul.

"I know who you are.  Hail Chrysalis."

I didn't show it, but that took me by surprise.  He walked by with a sly smile and disappeared into the distance with the others.  I slowly closed the door, turning back to the disaster zone that my house became.  "What the hell does that mean?"

Regardless, I had more immediate concerns.  My house needed extensive repairs to its furniture, I needed to buy more food, rearrange the books they scattered all over, and file a lawsuit.

The lawsuit never went to court.  They kept rescheduling on me, so that was a bust.  Assholes.  The only consolation I had was that the amount of money I moved around was more than enough to replace what they did.

But that made me wonder what Shining Armor was thinking.  This had to be his doing, but this was such a petty attack on my defenses that I had to wonder what his endgame was.  Logic dictated that his first strike would be against the credibility of my identity, so why didn't he get Twilight's parents involved?  Spike immediately went on the offensive when he figured me out, and Shining has way more material to work with.  What was this supposed to accomplish?

Shit, I knew what this was:  he was preparing the battlefield.  He was trying to frustrate me into breaking my mask.  No doubt this would be the first in a long line of harassing strikes against me.

Fine then, I'll play that game.  If he wants a war, he's got one.