Dear Twibitch,
Well I have some rather interesting news. You know how Trixie and I went on vacation in Maretonia? Well as it turns out there is a virus called the Coltovirus that is spreading over there and since we came from there, we are being forced to quarantine for two weeks. Here is the thing about the virus, it does something really gross. It causes mares to grow a penis and causes stallions to grow a second penis. Ewww, that is flat out gross.
Now Trixie isn't showing any symptoms but I do have a low grade fever which is a symptom of it. This is concerning both of us. I really don't want to get to the phase where I'd grow a penis because then I'd have to be hospitalized until it went away and then continue to quarantine for another two weeks after being released. I do hope you understand this and won't punish me for still being away from Ponyville.
Please let me know though how Cozy Glow is doing because I do love her and worry about her well being, especially with Spike around given he is your lackey. I know you cancelled that debit card you gave me since I left town but I do hope you are making sure those two have a way to get food because if you aren't keeping them fed in one way or another, that will show what a truly horrible bitch you are.
Hopefully we will get released from quarantine sooner rather than later. Anyway I thought I'd let you know what is going on as to why I haven't got home yet. If things get worse, I'll let you know.
Hoping I don't grow a penis,
Luster Dawn
Dear Luster "I might get a dick" Dawn,
Oh for the love of Faust, if it ain't one thing it is another. I almost wonder if you didn't somehow know about their problems and then go over there and then come back to get quarantined just so you could inconvenience me. I know about that virus and I will say this, I do not want you returning to Ponyville until you have a note from a doctor stating that you two do not have the virus and you have not been exposed to anypony who MIGHT have it.
The last thing I need is for you two to bring some dick disease either to Ponyville or Canterlot. There is plenty of travel between the two communities and if it winds up in Ponyville, it could easily spread to Canterlot. Now I do know enough about that disease that if you do get it, you will not only become incredibly gross but mares have a 17.9% fatality rate from it while it only kills 1.79% of stallions who get it. I suppose that is because penises are gross and mares having them really causes shock to their immune system.
Regarding Cozy Glow and Spike, I am seeing to it that they are being fed although I'm sure Cozy will get really freaked out if I were to tell her that her mama will become her papa, well temporarily anyway. Now I am extremely displeased and I am seriously considering doing something that I think would be funny as hell.
I am considering giving Bright Beam the castle, giving custody of Cozy Glow to Bright Beam and giving Spike to her as an assistant. If I was to do that, you would then move into the mansion that Bright Beam currently lives in but you would have no maids. If you wanted any, your parents would have to hire them although I am thinking of forcing Crash to be your maid regardless of where you live.
Anyway, keep me updated alright?
Upset You May Be Infected,
Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle
TEN DAYS LATER
Dear Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle,
Hi, this is Dr. Disease Killer and I have some very bad news. Your protege, Luster Dawn and her marefriend Trixie Lulamoon are both in the hospital here in Manehatan. They have been hospitalized because both of them have contracted Coltovirus and both have grown dicks. Trixie is in not so good of shape but Luster is currently in ICU and on a ventilator and when it comes to patients on ventilators, there is normally a 80% mortality rate but with any luck she will pull through.
Given that she is your protege and Trixie is her marefriend, neither will be billed BUT if they recover, they will be required to stay in our quarantine wing for four weeks after their dicks go away. Given that Luster is on a ventilator, even if she survives, she may be gone for at least three more months. I figured I would just let you know what was up with this. You have a pleasant day.
Sincerely,
Dr. Disease Killer
Dear Dr. Disease Killer,
Well shit, this isn't good. I want you to do whatever it takes to save Luster, even if it involves magic that would normally not be used. Yes she can be a pain in the flank but still, she is my protege and I certainly don't want to lose her....and do the same for Trixie even though she has done nothing but cause my incredibly sexy sister and I so many problems over the years. You have a pleasant day.
Sincerely,
Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle
Dear Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, Bunny Tracks, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon,
This is Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle and I am writing to let you know that Luster Dawn is currently in the hospital in Manehattan, on a ventilator, because she decided to be a stupid bitch and travel to Maretonia despite the Coltovirus running rampant. Right now the doctors are not sure if she will survive but if she does, you will all be blessed with three more months of her absence at least.
However, if she does survive and when she returns, I want ALL of you to visit her and Trixie, who has it too, and keep them company. They will need somepony to keep their spirits up because I know Spike likely won't and Cozy Glow is likely making plans to stab her in the back in one way or another. Now don't go thinking that this will be optional, it will be mandatory. Oh and Bunny Girl, even though she has Trixie now, I may still have a not so pleasant surprise for you!
Sincerely,
Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle
To the Most Horrible Leader of All Time,
What the fuck? First you take our traditions away and now you're going to make us go and lift the spirits of that bitchy acquaintance of ours, assuming she survives? Sweet mother of Faust we hope that bitch dies, well her and Trixie both, but if Luster does survive, we will only do the bare minimum to keep her less bitchy and no we will not put out for her or Trixie. The most we will do is tell her that she isn't a total bitch, alright?
Hating Luster and You,
Luster's Acquaintances
Oh, and whatever kinds of plans you have you dirty bitch, I will not put out for that little whore or her slutty marefriend. I am not about to become a punching bag like what your bitchy mother did to Fluttershy. -- Bunny Tracks