Discord Teaches Philosophy: On Love

by CrackedInkWell


Lesson 3 - On Dating

“You’re not telling me that there wasn’t anything wrong with what Discord said?” Shining questioned.

It was after the lesson on being Single that Shining, his wife, and his sister meet up to have lunch. In the corner of a hayburger restaurant, Twilight was still working her way through a mountain of hayburgers while her brother worked on one. Cadence, who was sitting across from them, picked at her salad in deep thought.

“That’s just it,” Cadence said, her fork trying to stab a carrot. “As far as I’m aware, nothing he said was inaccurate.”

Twilight swallowed the mouthful of her fourteenth burger. “Even about all that stuff of looking what’s familiar bit?”

“I know,” Shining said, “that’s gotta be nonsense, right?”

Cadence’s glance avoided their eyes. “Well…”

“You’ve got to be kidding!”

“He’s not wrong.” Setting the fork down, Cadence looked at her husband in the eye. “Hon, mind if I ask you a personal question?”

“Well, sure, what is it?”

“Out of everypony you came across, why did you fall in love with me? Think back to when we started dating, that after the infatuation settled down, what made you propose to me?”

“Because I love you.”

Cadence shook her head. “I know, but besides that. Really think about that, out of everyone, what made you say: ‘Yes, this is the one I want to marry?’”

Shining took a bite out of his burger, humming in thought. “You know,” he finally said, “I… Oddly I never really thought about it until now. I guess…” He took another bite, thinking further, “I loved you for being so forgiving. I loved you for being smart, and fun, and caring. You’re more organized than me. You take on everyone’s suggestions and ideas before making a serious decision. You allowed me to grow as an individual. You are a fantastic mother and loyal wife. And… no matter how bad things got, you never gave up on me.”

His wife nodded. “So, with all that in mind,” she used her fork to puncture a few leaves, “outside of me, do any of those traits sound… familiar to you?”

“Well… not really. The only other ponies I know are like you is… Mom… Dad and… Twilight… Ohh…”

Cadence nodded. “In a way, I may not be your family, but I reminded you of your family. The good parts I hope.”

“You know Cadence,” Twilight spoke up, “if that’s true that does beg the question – who does Shining remind you of?”

“He reminds me of the bit and pieces of the parents that adopted me, as well as Auntie Celestia, of course. Now that I think of it,” she put a hoof under her chin, “I can see now of several aspects that tend to pop up. He has Celestia’s courage, my mother’s patience, my father’s determination for everyone’s well-being.

“The funny thing,” she added, “is that although I have been made vaguely aware of this when I took a psychology class, I suppose I didn’t keep that fact in mind when I was dating Shining.”

“Speaking of dating,” Twilight said, “something interesting happened with my captain of the guard.”

“That reminds me!” Cadence turned to her, “How is Gallus?”

“He was upset at what Discord did. I don’t blame him for letting out a secret that he didn’t want anyone else to know. But on the way out, Soarin had invited him to get to know him better before Discord told them to wait until tomorrow.”

“Huh,” Shining blinked, “Soarin asked him out? I didn’t expect that.”

“Still, it does make me wonder what Discord is planning for us tomorrow.”


The next morning, the students found Discord in the hallway next to his classroom door. He hovered over a mat in a meditative pose of cross-legs, eyes closed, wearing a black-and-white bathrobe, a long beard, and chopsticks in his mane. Near him, also levitating were bowls that were singing a rendition of “I am the Walrus.”

“You know,” Lyra commented when she and her wife saw him, “when we first signed up for this class, this was what I was expecting.”

“Not to mention appropriately.” Discord said, opening an eye. “So, I take it that everyone’s here? Yes? Good.” Putting his arms into the enormous long sleeves he told them. “For today, we are going onto the next stage of Love – and that is the Art of Dating. Sure, some of you already married may think that this stage no longer applies to you. However, this is a stage where you might want to take on board due to the ideas here. Who knows, maybe it might enhance your relationship or be a guide to finding a good enough partner.”

“I guess that’s good,” Soarin said, looking over to Gallus, giving a smile. “When do we start?”

“First, pair up. Then the training will begin.”

This didn’t take long. Of course, the married couples quickly paired up. The Cakes, Lyra and Sweetie Drops, Braeburn and Troubleshoes, the Richs, Big Mac with Sugar Belle, Rainbow with Applejack, and Cadence with her husband Shining Armor. Those who were already dating paired up with the ones they were seeing: Sandbar with Yona, Ocellus with Smolder, Starlight and Trixie, Fancy and Fleur, and Gallus with Soarin.

However, it also didn’t take long for those who weren’t picked to object.

“Wait a minute!” Ms. Harshwhinny said after taking notice that she, Silverstream, Miss. Cheerliee, Twilight, Rarity, and Fluttershy were left. “What about us?”

Discord raised an eyebrow. “Alright I give, what about you?”

“Who are we supposed to pair up? Not everyone here is attracted to the same sex you know.”

“I don’t think you quite get what this exercise is about,” Discord pointed out, “this has nothing to do with your attraction, but how to date someone wisely. I’m not expecting any of you to fall in love with someone you just randomly met, but simply to understand how this works.”

“Well…” Silverstream looked at those who were left and went up to Fluttershy. “So, wanna be my partner for a while?”

Fluttershy looked up at Discord and for a split second, there was a flash of envy on his face. However, just as quickly, he took in a deep breath and nodded.

As to the remaining mares, Miss Cheerliee paired up with Rarity; and Twilight, much to Ms. Harshwhinny’s hesitation, chose the remaining partner to work with.

“Are we all paired up? Good.” Discord nodded as he floated over to the door. “Come along students, it is time for you to learn the Art of the Date.” Opening the door, he levitated himself in while the students, entering two by two, walked into a large courtyard. At a glance, it looked as if they all entered onto the set of a Kung Fu movie. A large, ancient school built somewhere in the jagged, snowy mountains that may be the Himallamas. It was a place of pointy red-tiled roofs, white walls, and decorated with shiny brass doors.

In the courtyard, as they crossed it to get to a pair of very large, imposing double doors where rows of Discords in white robes and black belts. Each of which was performing something that looked like a mix of martial arts, ballet, and pole dancing. They kept up with their practice until Discord floated past them, did they stop and bowed to him.

“What do you mean the ‘Art of the Date?’” Soarin inquired. “I thought that dating was just a glorified version of hanging out.”

“Too simple of a definition for the narrow-minded.” Discord replied, flying quickly over to the double doors and opening the heavy pair of enormous gates with a flick of a talon. As they followed Discord inside of this school within a school, the students beheld a chamber of Discords, each at a square table and in a wide range of costumes of both male and female – they trained together with the same intensity outside with plates, bowls, silverware, and cups. With every jerky movement they made, it was followed by a chorus of “Ha!” All around there were floating candles that dotted the ceiling like stars, while a couple of Discords were dueling with a pair of staffs, beating and flying across the air.

“Let’s be clear on something,” Discord said, “anyone else would talk about the physical stuff about how to date. From what kind of restaurant to take them out to, the endless rules in manors such as when to lift a fork to what to say after you stabbed someone in the back for overcharging you – these things are completely useless when it comes to what dating really is asking us to do.”

“You’re making it sound like it’s complicated,” Trixie said aloud. “I’ll have you know that my dates with Starlight have been nothing but superb.”

“I don’t know if best friends with benefits counts in this case – although we’ll get to that subject later – but,” he suddenly stopped and turned around to face them, “there is something that must be addressed. Why do we do this dating thing? I mean really think about this. Up until the Romantics came along, no one else in history had thought it necessary to clean ourselves up, take the one we had a crush on out somewhere to impress them. Before any of that, relationships were historically arranged, viewed carefully by a chaperone, and there was no touching allowed. So why do we go out on dates anyway?

“And before any of you say that this is natural,” Discord quickly added, “this whole dating thing isn’t universal. Even philosophers like La Rochefoucauld had pointed out: ‘There are those who would never have fallen in love if they never heard there was such a thing.’ A bit cruel, but it still bids the question of why do we do it at all?”

All the students looked at one another. Eventually, Yona came up with an answer. “To find… mate?”

“Close. But more specifically than that. Anyone else?”

“I got it,” Lyra said, “to see which one we can settle down with.”

“Very good,” Discord nodded, “you get a treat.” He snapped a talon were in the unicorn’s hoof was a gingerbread man. Lyra gave a funny look at the oddly shaped cookie. “Even if you deny it, going on a date requires all of us to do something both difficult and rather strange at the same time. So much so, that many get rather nervous because we’re performing for the hardest audition in the world – trying to figure out how they will be like as our spouse several decades from now. We’re trying to see if we can see if they’ll be with us when the news of cancer comes in decades from now, or when we can feel weepy when we’re afraid of losing a job with. And when we think they are worth it, try to convince said individual that we’re worth it too.”

“He’s right on the hard part,” Big Mac commented.

“But it’s worth it.” Sugar Belle pointed out, nuzzling him.

“Of course,” Discord added, “the trick is to know how to do it. Most think that it’s as easy as breathing where all one has to do is take them to expensive restaurants, show them your best table manners, and talk about the weather. Fortunately for this diverse cast, this is complete nonsense. The location or what you end up doing is not what sells a successful date – it’s the ability to connect that does. One might take their potential date to the most perfect place in the world, but unless you know what you’re doing and what to look for, it can end in disaster. However, I’m here to help.

“So, let's present all of you, an exercise.” With a sharp clap from his paw and claw, the room started to spin all around them. So fast was this, that the students were barely able to stand upright as they stood in the epicenter of a twister where everything became blurred. However, in this twisting, they can see that something was moving towards them in every direction but couldn’t make out what it was. A sharp clap again, and the room slowed down enough to show that they had been transported to a circular, candlelit room. All around them there were fifteen paper screen sliding doors.

Discord gave them a moment for Filthy Rich to lose his breakfast in a nearby Ming vase. “For this class project, with your partner, your task is to have a successful date with them. Behind these doors is the set up to your ideal setting of a date. However, if this is to go well, there must be some rules.

“Each of you has two priorities: the first is to show that you have a good relationship with yourself; the second is to see your partner with a balance of tenderness and being realistic about it.”

Silverstream raised her claw. “Mr. Discord, what does that mean?”

“To put it in plain Equestrian; with the first goal is to advertise something that the Romantics thought is deeply unromantic – but it helps. You see, most tend to think that the one they’re dating is something more than perfect than Gods. If anything, fun fact, it is during the Romantic period that the word ‘Angel’ was being used for the first time not to refer to those winged creature things in the sky nor a white rabbit, but to we have feelings towards. This thought has to be banished in order for your projects to go well.”

Braeburn raised a hoof. “So, why’s that?”

“Because thinking that you and the one you fell in love with are perfect beings, that leads to one of the great enemies of love – self-righteousness. With this belief, it is guaranteed that you will see this perfect being as deeply flawed the longer you stay with them. To counter this, everyone here must accept the idea that we are – and I don’t mean this as an insult – deeply crazy.” This got a laugh out of his class, “Oh you think I’m joking? I’m being serious here. As paradoxical as this sounds, if you want the start of a long-term relationship to go well, then you’ll have to show them upfront how flawed and insane we really are. The goal with this is to show that you can be both vulnerable but not to beat yourself up with it. In other words, to show your weaknesses being handled strongly. You will have to acknowledge and not be afraid to give your partner how you might drive them mad.

“At the same time, as your partner does the same thing, you’ll also need to express that you don’t see their flaws as deal-breakers. This requires sympathy and to be warm; if this is to work, then you’ll have to show that you’re not afraid of their emotional wounds.”

“My my…” Fleur rubbed the back of her head, “there’s a lot more to this then I thought.”

“It’s understandable. Part of the problem is that no one has told any of us that we lack self-knowledge. Such stuff is difficult to come by.”

“What does that mean?” Twilight interjected, “I know who I am.”

“But how would your behaviors cause difficulty to another creature? This is something you all will have to reflect on today. Because the problem is that we live in a world where there’s a culture of silence all around us. If anything, we live in a world where a stranger would know more about your flaws in about ten or so minutes than you would over a lifetime! I mean, your parents knew but weren’t going to tell because they just wanted to be sweet or blind to their affection. Your friends aren’t going to tell you because they just want a nice evening out with you paying the bill. Your Exes are experts, and maybe they have told what’s wrong with you, but they didn’t see it as worth their time as they just want to get as far away from you as possible and let some poor sucker deal with you next.

“However, not to worry.” Discord said. “I will pop in from time to time to give some pointers in what you’re doing. In the meantime,” Discord snapped his paw where each couple was given a small box, “I have written some discussion topics that should be the key in determining success or failure. Oh! And before I turn all of you lose, a friendly word of warning. If your partner keeps insisting that they’re perfect, or pretty easy to live with all the time – do yourselves a favor and run! Get your crap, get out the door! I don’t care how you do it, just get out of there as fast as you can. Because anyone who insists that they’re easy to live with hasn’t begun to know how much trouble they will cause you. Got it? Great! Now chose a door, let the dating being!”

Although uncertain what was about to happen, the paired-up couples approached the sliding doors without given a clue as to what might lay behind them. The first to open one of these was Mr. Cake who reached out with a hoof to slide the paper-thin screen aside. Both of them looked on, giving the kind of gasp that surprised them as if receiving a rare gift.

“Is this…?” Mrs. Cake looked about at the outdoor party of teenagers. Before them was a dance at night, complete with grape-lights that hung above, streamers of black and orange that crisscross, balloons with bats on them, carved pumpkins and hay barrels that lay in corners of the apple orchard, and faces of ponies that neither of them has seen in years. Most of them were in costumes, dancing to tunes of another time. And in the back was a large banner: “Happy Nightmare Night!”

“Hon,” Carrot Cake, also gawking looked over to his wife. “Isn’t this the High School dance?”

“Not just any dance.” Cup pointed out, “It’s our first date.”

“Go on you crazy kids,” Discord said, pushing the both of them in. As soon as they entered, suddenly they became younger and costumes on. Cup was instantly dressed up in blue as a Wendigo while Carrot had the dark cloak and false teeth of a vampire. “You have a good time now and remember to look through those chat-up lines!”

The other paired couples opened their doors, each was amazed at what lay behind it. For some, it was that expensive restaurant that they always wanted to go but never could. Others stepped back or forward in time, in different parts of the world, or in their own private Wonderlands. Many rushed into their ideal setting with their partner. However, Fluttershy before entering had glanced back at Discord. Although she didn’t say anything, her eyes were asking permission from him; to which he nodded before she entered in with Silverstream.

Discord waited a while before checking up on his students. He passed the time by solving the Petaminx puzzle – a nightmarish rubric’s circle – in reverse in about nine minutes. Then after flipping a marble to see which door to choose from at random, he entered into the first room. In particular – Fluttershy and Silverstream’s room.


Fluttershy never saw any festival like this. Although she had gone to many festivals before and have heard of a few from Silverstream of what happens on Mt. Aris, this was perhaps the most beautiful she’s seen. The setting was like something out of a painting. High up on the place of the mountain where they could see the sun setting over the sparkling sea, that they also saw plenty of glowing, floating lanterns in the thousands that rose higher into the sky. As if the Hippogriff villagers were releasing stars into the early night.

“Is this your fantasy?” Fluttershy asked. “If it is, this is really pretty.”

“That’s what’s happening?” Silverstream looked around, noticing they were underneath a shading tree. And below them was a blanket and a basket. “I… I think it is. I’ve always wanted to go on a date like this.”

“A picnic?”

“And during the Festival of Lights. Call me a romantic but this is the place I would take someone to… if I did have someone.”

“Still, this is very lovely.” Fluttershy then picked up the little box. “So… Should we get to it?”

“What’s in there anyway?”

Unlatching the box, Fluttershy opened it to where a flock of origami birds flew out, each chirping “Twit, twit!” as they flew around them for a moment before settling down to nest here and there. Some on the blanket while others in the branches of the tree. At first, the folded avian cards avoided them, even when they reached out for one.

That was until Fluttershy said, “Uh… excuse me, but would it be alright if can read off from one of you please?”

The origami birds considered this, even held a debate on what exactly to do (of course, it was unhelpful to know what was going on as all the birds could say was “Twit, twit!”) but finally, a bird volunteered to draw near. It got close enough for Fluttershy to unfold it and read what was on it.

“‘In what areas do you consider yourself crazy?’” She read before releasing the card where it folded itself back into a bird to fly off.

“Wait, I’m confused,” Silverstream tilted her head. “Are we talking about stuff that we’re crazy good at or just plain crazy?”

“The difficult route sometimes leads to the best results.” Discord suddenly said. Both Fluttershy and Silverstream jumped a little as they didn’t see the Draconequus looming overhead, sitting on a hot-air paper balloon of his face. “Believe it or not, talking about what’s going so well with you isn’t the most flattering thing in the world. No relationship in the world is built on accomplishments – not to mention that it’s unbelievably unhelpful.”

“What do you mean?” Silverstream inquired. “I thought the goal with this dating thing is to impress someone.”

“Unless you want to be a Mary Sue... No, it’s to suggest what kind of individual you might be later on down the road. That card is asking how you would prove difficult to someone else. And when it talks about crazy, it’s not just asking what mental illness you happen to have, rather what kind of stuff that another may find… disagreeable.”

“Oh! I think I get it,” Fluttershy said with a realization, “for example, I have this tendency to not to speak up on what’s on my mind for fear that I might hurt someone else’s feelings. Even if I think might help improve some things.”

“Huh,” Silverstream blinked, “and here I have the opposite problem that apparently I talk too much once I get going that I wouldn’t realize that the other guy wants to talk but wouldn’t let ‘em because I have so much I want to say and…” She trailed off, “I was doing it again, wasn’t I?”

“A little, but you realize what was happening.”

“That’s the thing, it’s hard to tell sometimes. Ya know? I could blabber on and on without recognizing that someone wants a turn to talk.”

“I usually encounter something like that with Pinkie. Don’t tell her this, but sometimes, I’m lucky to be able to get out an entire sentence to her before she talks over.”

Discord coughed loud enough to get their attention. “Not to interrupt, but there’s still an assignment to be done. Unless you have something else to that topic, I suggest moving on.”


“Huh, this one’s ironic.”

“What do ya mean?” Lyra asked.

The setting that she and her wife had stumbled onto was in a Prench café, complete with freshly baked croissants being eaten outside on a table facing the street, the Eiffoal tower within sight, and in the distance, someone playing some annoying accordion music. By now, the two of them had gone through a few cards in the box. Sweetie Drops was frowning at the prompt that was written on it.

“It says, ‘In what ways do you feel like an imposter at work?’ A bit on the nose there, right?”

“What, because of the spy thing?”

“To be honest,” Sweetie Drops put the card down, “I’m not sure what it’s asking as, once upon a time, being an imposter was part of the job, you know?”

“It helps to normalize an overlooked phenomenon.” Both mares turned to Discord’s voice who neither didn’t notice he was nearby. He was dressed in black, complete with a beret, a lazy eye, and reading the newspaper diagonally. They also noticed that sticking out of his mouth, he was smoking on a toothpick that was blowing out red liquorish bubbles. “Have you ever had that feeling as if no matter how hard you work or how big of a talent that others claim that you have, you don’t really believe it? It’s that feeling as if you can’t measure up to what’s expected professionally. That kind of feeling where you do all you can to hide that incompetence several feet underground and covered in concrete.”

“Yeah, I know that feeling,” Lyra commented, lighting up her horn to help to much on a croissant. “It’s kinda the reason that I didn’t become a teacher.”

Sweetie Drops blinked, “I didn’t know you wanted to be a teacher.”

“Professor actually. Back in college, I had this idea that maybe I should aim for a teaching job for the Equineities. That, and with all that other stuff like cryptozoology. But in the end, I didn’t feel like I was up for the task if the professors thought that I was too crazy to work there.” Lyra blinked, “Didn’t I tell you this before?”

“No, I don’t think you did. But I’m surprised really. I’ve always known you were a smart pony, but I didn’t know you wanted to teach.”

“Maybe it was because I was a little too embarrassed about it to tell you.”

Sweetie Drops paused, “How come you don’t you start teaching again?”

“Because I’m not that smart, or sane enough to do with. Ya know, on the whole human thing.”

“Now that’s not fair, of course you’re smart. And I don’t mind of your… side hobby. If anything, it makes what I used to do look normal.”

Lyra scoffed, “Tell that to the universities.” But almost within the same moment, her wife noticed that annoyed anger shifted to a soft melancholy. “And yet, they’re right about me.”

“You’re not an imposter.”

“But I know there are plenty more ponies out there that are a good deal intelligent than me. That, and there have been times that I let my obsession go a little too far. Even when I didn’t get the job, I had a feeling that they knew I was inadequate to be teaching.”

“Lyra you are-” Before Sweetie could let out another word, Discord’s talon was pressed over her lips, shushing her.

“Instead of trying to cheer her up,” he said, “try another more effective method.”

She pushed it away, “Yeah? And what’s that?”

“Reflect what she’s feeling back to her, it’s the key of being heard.”

“Well… what am I supposed to say?”

“You got any ways to relate to her?”

Thinking about this for a moment, she looked back to her wife. “This… is a little embarrassing to say this… I didn’t think I was that good of a spy.”

This got Lyra’s attention. “Were you?”

“Well… my superiors did, but I was… adequate at best. I can’t tell you how many times had gone wrong or that I forgot an important detail. So, you could only imagine the number of temper tantrums I had with myself over this or that.”

Lyra blinked, “Suddenly that explains a few things.”

“What?”

“That after something goes wrong you resort back to a five-year-old having a hissy fit – eh, no offense.”

Sweetie tried to come up with a reply to that but found that she didn’t. “Okay, you got me. I guess I have a bit of a temper when things go wrong. Doesn’t everyone?”

“Not that results in a karate kick through a wall.”

“… Point taken.”


Filthy drew a card from the box. “‘What have your Exes not understood about you?’”

Spoiled raised an eyebrow. “You’d think that would be obvious.” She remarked.

Both couples didn’t admit this to the other, but their “ideal” date was somewhere between cruel and fitting – if not hilarious on some cosmic level. The door they walked into was at a courthouse where a line of other disgruntled couples waited on a bench towards the divorce court. Luckily for Spoiled, this mini-universe had the courtesy of installing a smoothie dispensing machine with free cups and straws.

Spoiled sat next to Filthy with a cup of frosty mango and strawberry. “However, since we’re going to be stuck for a while.” She looked at her ticket that had the number 7,831. “It would give us something to do so better start answering them.” After taking a sip, she remarked. “You know… I haven’t given much thought of my exes in years.”

“Why? Were they any better than me?”

“Goddess no!” She scoffed. “They were a rainbow of a variety ranging from controlling to having personalities of wallpaper paste. I would say I would have been better off with them, but even I know that’s not true.”

“Really?” Filthy raised an eyebrow. “Why?”

Irritated couple number 801!” Discord’s voice over the intercom called out, to which an elderly, scolding couple walked past them.

“They just don’t understand me. None of them do.”

“Starting with?”

“That I have high standards.” She said, taking a sip. “That I prefer to be with someone mature and have the means to maintain a lifestyle that I’m used to. To be acknowledged for my brains when I offer up useful ideas and be appreciated for all the hard work I put into.”

Filthy raised an eyebrow, “Why do I have a hard time believing any of that?”

“Because you prefer work over having an actual relationship.”

“As opposed to what? Bully your way into committees to get your way? To groom Diamond into a miserable, manipulative, bigoted, and damaged pony that shuts up, do as you tell her and will have to go to therapy for a good chunk of her life?”

Before Spoiled could make a reply. A sharp, loud whistle cut into the conversation. They looked up at Discord who was standing in front of them, wearing a black-and-white coach’s outfit blowing a silver whistle and holding up a yellow card to be thrown at Filthy’s face. “Unnecessary bickering. It has nothing to do with the topic of the card. Move back the waiting time to five spaces.” He pointed at their number on their ticket that increased from 7,831 to 7,836. “Save the fighting until tomorrow where it’ll be most appropriate. So, start again and keep on the topic this time.”

Discord suddenly disappeared, leaving the couple blinking at what just happened.

“Well I already had my say,” Spoiled said, folding her hooves. “What about you?”

At first, Filthy didn’t respond right away as he sat there, trying to think back to his dating years before he met Spoiled. “I don’t know what to say since I didn’t date much before I ran into you.”

This caught Spoiled off guard. “What? But you’re wealthy, I’d thought you had lines of mares waiting to date you.”

“Quite the opposite. Before you, the only date I had gone out with was back in High School and…” He trailed off, waving a hoof in the air as if to reach for a name, but none else came to mind. “Well, that’s pretty much it.”

“Who was it?”

“You know Photo Finish?”

“Naturally,” Spoiled laughed, “where else do you think I got my fashion sense from?”

“Did you know that she and I were in the same High School at one point?”

“You dated her?”

“Once… But it didn’t go anywhere as she was too… (How do I put this…?) Egotistic. She had an eye for looking good. No doubt about it. But for hours she talked nothing but herself and her ideas. Heck, I barely got a word out by the time it was over. Then after that, I had real trouble finding anyone that I could be with. Until I met you, I was more afraid of being alone.”

“Is that the real reason why you married me?”

“Honestly? I thought I couldn’t get anyone better.”

Irritated couple number 802!” Discord’s voice over the intercom announced.


“My turn,” Gallus reached into the box and pulled out a card. “This should be an easy one. ‘What was difficult about your childhood?’”

While he was asking this, they were going up and down on a cloud fairs wheel. In their tiny universe, the setting was an amusement park in the sky. When they entered, it was already evening where the stars and full moon was out among the other lights that lit up the carnival. It was the kind where small but bright lights in every color were decorated every booth, every vendor, and every ride from the guy selling small doughnuts by the bucketful to the roller-coaster that was constructed out of clouds. Between the games and rides, Gallus and Soarin did try to read the cards before going do the next thing.

Soarin swallowed his mouthful of cotton candy. “Well… I don’t know if this counts since it happened when I was a teen.”

Gallus shrugged, “Guess it’s a start. What you got?”

“Well… my folks weren’t exactly the most accepting ponies in the world. Growing up they had high expectations of me that I would be this great stallion that would do something they deemed worthwhile. All that was tossed out of the hundred-floor window when I came out to them.”

“Yeah?” Gallus inquired, resting a claw on the handlebar. “What happened?”

“To make a long story short – they disowned me and kicked me out. If anything, it’s mainly why I joined the Wonderbolts. Because if you get in, they provide a roof over your head along with free Medicare. Still, for a long time, it was hard for me to accept myself for who I was because my family didn’t think I would be into guys.”

“I know that feeling.” Gallus frowned. “As someone who’s been in the closet for all of my life, it’s the loneliest feeling in the world. That you have a choice of being honest and be hated; or shut up and be tolerated.”

Soarin shook his head. “No one should live like that.”

“So…” Gallus pointed to the cloud of cotton candy, trying to change the subject, “You mind if I had some?”

He handed the candy over to him, and while his date started nibbling on it, Soarin said: “What about you? I mean, we all kinda saw bits of what your past was like. But is there something, in particular, that was really tough?”

Gallus thought about this for a moment. “I guess that until I came to the School of Friendship years ago, it would have to be the isolation. And I’m not talking about having anyone around. I mean the kind where despite being in a crowded place, there’s no one there to talk to. What could I do? My parents were dead, Grandpa Gruff was too busy to bother whatever problem of the day I happened to have, and you can forget about the whole coming out thing. Saying ‘Yeah, I’m into dudes’ in public was practically a death sentence. So being quiet about what I thought and felt was done, maybe, as a force of habit in the name of survival.”

“In a weird way, I kinda get it.”

“How?”

“Believe it or not, I was so careful not to reveal everything that none of the Wonderbolts had any idea that I was gay at all. You might notice that I don’t have any traits that would be a dead giveaway like having the accent or be into more effeminate stuff. Most ponies who met me for a good twenty minutes wouldn’t catch on. If anything, when I finally did come out, my teammates were really surprised as they thought I was the last pony in the world that swings that way.”

“Was it easy?”

Soarin snorted, “Tartarus no! I was so scared that my teammates would be just as intolerant as my family was that it took me years to say something. Maybe it’s because I had such a bad introduction to how others saw me that I carried it on after that. Even when it wasn’t true, I still believed it. It takes a long time and a good amount of patients to look in a mirror and not be disgusted with yourself.”

Gallus nodded, “Worst from others too, even when they’re nice.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because when you are so used to thinking that the world is cruel, the good ones that come along are just… weird. Truth be told… they are more terrifying because they threaten to be kind.”

“That doesn’t mean you can’t get used to it.”

“It’s like trying to fly to the moon – next to impossible and always difficult on the first, second, and thousandth attempt. Sounds easy to say, but always difficult in practice.”


Starlight picked out the next card. “Ooh boy, this one is a dozy.”

“What?” Trixie asked.

“Trust me, you’re not going to like it. I hate just looking at it.”

“What?”

She signed and read, “‘What would you ideally want to say to your parents?’”

Trixie winced. Their fantasy date was made true when they walked through that sliding door. In a place that was a cross between an upscale restaurant and a theater. They remember seeing a place like this in a magazine that showed pictures of Las Pegasus before, only neither of them thought they would end up there. On the stage was a show going on where they were showing off an act that was between a magic show and acrobatic ribbons that dangled from the ceiling.

At the moment, however, neither paid much attention to the show or the small fountain on their table that flowed champagne. What had their full attention, however, was the uncomfortable question that was presented.

“Trixie doesn’t have much contact with parents. And prefers to keep it that way.”

“So, I take it what whatever it is, there’s nothing good to say.”

Trixie took a moment to fill her glass in the fountain before downing it. “Not that Trixie’s parents would want to listen anyway.”

This gave Starlight pause. “You know, I was able to tell my Dad that he needs to allow me to grow up. You clearly have something to say.”

Trixie raised an eyebrow, “And why would you?”

“Let’s see, I used to be the school’s counselor which means that being an impromptu therapist was part of my job. And that you are my marefriend.” When Trixie still wouldn’t reply, she added, “And unlike your parents, you have my full and undivided attention.”

For a moment, Trixie didn’t respond. By the look on her face, it was clear to Starlight that her marefriend wasn’t sure what to say. She watches her mouth opened and closed a few times as if trying to force out what she always wanted to say but struggled to forge the right words. A minute past, and another refill that she started to find what she wanted to say.

“If mother was around,” Trixie said in a low growl, “Trixie would tell her that she is free from her control. Trixie is independent now, and no longer her servant to be told what Trixie should or shouldn’t do. That Trixie is free to speak her mind without her believing Trixie is an idiot. Hopes she rots in Tartarus.”

“And your dad?”

She sniffed, “Trixie wants an explanation if he’s not too big of a coward to say it in her face.”

“That being…?”

“If he knew, even before she met mother that he was a gay stallion – why did he married her in the first place? Could have avoided the affairs, the divorce, or running off to be with… whatever his name was. Trixie wishes that at least he could answer that.”

Starlight breathed out a heavy sigh, “Wow Trixie… I had no idea.”

She waved a dismissive hoof. “What’s the next question?”


Fancy Pants adjusted his monical, “‘Agree or disagree: The most beautiful creatures who are surrounded by love are often those who are the loneliest.’”

Fleur frowned. In their little universe, they were in a perfect replica of a favorite memory of theirs. They were in the living room of Fancy’s home near a burning hearth. From the windows, a blizzard dusted Canterlot with thick snowflakes. Both of them lay next to one another on the carpet, with mugs of hot chocolate in their hooves, a blanket over the both of them, and the suggestion box in front of the couple.

“Fleur?”

She cleared her throat. “It’s sadly true.”

“What?” Fancy tilted his head, setting his hot chocolate aside. “How can that be? One would think it would be the opposite of you. The most beautiful mare in Canterlot, I would think you would have lines of potential suitors at your door.”

“But it’s not like that at all.” Fleur adjusted the blanket on her side. “Yes, I have the looks. At the same time, most ponies don’t know that being like this has a price.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Tell me, Fancy, before I became your bodyguard, did you have a crush on me right away?”

His cheeks turned pink in the light of the fire. “So, what if I did?”

“And why didn’t you tell me from the start?”

“Well… I thought that maybe you could be seeing someone else and-”

“Exactly.” Fleur nodded. “Turns out, it’s not just you. Everyone else has the same thought. Why do you think someone like Celestia hasn’t found a suiter yet – even when she’s no longer a Princess? Simple, she’s so beautiful, she’s intimidating without meaning to. And you know what?” she sighed, “For a long time, that was the case for me until you asked if I was free one day.”

Fancy nuzzled her chin. “Fleur… I had no idea.”

“It’s not your fault.” She patted his head. “Just you letting me know that I’m appreciated means the world to me.”

“To sound like an old Romantic; it’s because I have you near me, that now I have everything.”


“Alright, last one.” Braeburn pulled out the last card from the box while another firework went off over their heads, helping to illuminate what he was reading. “This looks like another fill in the blank.”

“What is it?” Troubleshoes inquired.

“It says: ‘The part Ah find revoltin’ about mahself is…’ blank.”

In the moonlight of the Appaloosan desert while the town shot off an impressive light show of sparkling firecrackers of reds, whites, golds, blues, purple, green, copper, and seizure worthy flashes in the sky. Braeburn could see his husband’s expression. “What kind of a card is that? Are these tryin’ ta be depressing?”

“Far from it,” the couple turned their attention to Discord who was laying on a lounge chair, suspended in the air by a few dozen balloons with sparklers on the ends. He had on a t-shirt with shooting red, white, and blue stars. In his paw, he was petting a hot dog in a bun, panting. “The sad truth is, when we have a crush on someone, we tend to think of them as Gods in a way. Perfect in form and being. The Romantics would tell us that this view will always remain, but over time, you’d start to notice the cracks and flaws. This is unhelpful when most of us are the masters of self-hatred. We know our worst sides of ourselves; or put it simply, the friend of my enemy is myself. What this is trying to do is to show the other that not liking a part of yourself is both understandable and normal. That as much as the other guy sees you as a God, this is a gentle way to remind them that you’re not.”

“So just say something we don’t like about ourselves?” Troubleshoes inquired.

“Pretty much, uh… hold on a second…” He got out a bazooka and, upon firing it into the air, the shell exploded an elaborate firecracker that showed the image of Discord, giving a thumbs up. “Now that’s out of the way,” he rolled over to the side, “care to share with the class?”

“Well…” Troubleshoes adverted his gaze from both the teacher and his husband. “Ah don’t see me as good lookin’.”

“Now what are ya talkin’ about?” Braeburn questioned. “Of course yer handsome.”

He frowned. “No Ah ain’t, and ya know it-”

“But-” Braeburn interjected but found his lips were zipped shut by Discord.

“Now now,” Discord waved a claw, “Didn’t your parents tell you that it’s not very nice to interrupt someone when they’re trying to talk?” He turned to Troubleshoes, “As you were saying?”

He looked between him and his muzzled husband, “So… he can’t talk back?”

“Not until you’re done.” He noticed Braeburn tried to pull the zipper off but he held his head still in place. “Hey cowpony, I think your husband wants to tell you something.”

At first, it looked like Troubleshoes wanted to say something but hesitated, as if he was trying to find the right thing to say. This went on for a few minutes until he looked at him in the eye.

“Braeburn, it’s… not easy fer me to say this but… On some small level… I kinda, sorta…” Discord raised an eyebrow, “Okay, fine, I envy you.”

The silent Braeburn tilted his head in confusion.

His husband continued, “I still don’t know how or why, but I’ve been able to marry the most well sculpted, fit, and heart-breaking beautiful stallion I’ve ever set eyes on. Maybe I don’t know how you see yourself, but you are like an ancient Pegasi statue come to life. Just… perfect. But I never saw that with myself. There’s not one thing about me that I could consider as handsome by any stretch of the imagination. And before you say otherwise, look at me. I mean, really look at me! I’m too tall, too clumsy, too big to fit through a front door. My mane is like straw that’s gone rotten, my face has started to have wrinkles, I’m gaining weight… I could go on, but I’ve never liked myself. All I could feel when I look in a mirror in disgust. How you were able to fall in love and marry this… thing is beyond me.”

Discord looked over to the silenced Braeburn, his expression from his eyes was showing shock. “You done?”

“I…” He nodded. “Yeah.”

“Your turn,” Discord unzipped his mouth.

“Holy…” Even free to speak, Braeburn was at loss for words. “Shoes… That’s what you really think about yourself?”

“It’s stupid, I know.” He folded his legs, still unable to look at him.

“Look, if it helps makin’ ya feel better,” Braeburn took in a deep breath, “Ah don’t like bein’ bad at anythin’ – even at listenin’.”

“What does that mean?”

“Well…” He sat on his haunches next to him, “Ah don’t like it when between doin’ all this stuff, doin’ a billion different things from help run a town, be on the Buckball team, teachin’ violin, harvestin’ apples, Ah could go on, that when Ah find that Ah’ve made a mistake somewhere – Ah uh… beat mahself up over it, without you knowin’ it.”

A tender look on Troubleshoes face appeared now he was able to look at him. “Why?”

“Because Ah’ve been raised to be the best at everythin’, and if Ah messed up, then it’s mah fault. Ah mean…” he smiled, “Ya can only imagine the temper tantrum Ah had with mahself when ya asked me out. Knowin’ that yer the same stallion Ah had wrongfully arrested that wasn’t yer fault.”

He felt Troubleshoes wrap a hoof around him, constricting it into a hug. “I guess both of us don’t like ourselves that much, huh?”

“Well…” Braeburn looked up, “Ah like you.”

Troubleshoes nuzzled him.


Soon, the class was drawn to a close, and Discord had led his students out of the multi-dimensional classroom and back into the school’s hallway. “Before all of you go,” he said, “I realized that I had forgotten to do something the other day that I promised. Fluttershy, Gallus, Silverstream, Soarin, Miss. Cheerliee, and Rarity, would you all come here for a sec?”

They made their way towards Discord until they stood in front of him.

“I’ve realized that I had promised you a prize for our game yesterday but none of you got it.”

“What’s the prize?” Miss Cheerliee inquired.

“Is it something really cool?” Silverstream jumped up and down excitedly.

“No,” Discord smiled as he reached into a pocket, “each of you gets a button.”

He pulled out a few pins in which he handed them out to each of them. It was a small button that had Discord’s smiling image, along with the words: “My Reality was Challenged by Discord, and All I Got was this Button.”

“Gee,” Gallus deadpanned, “Thanks.”

“Now class is dismissed, tomorrow we are going to dive into the unspoken challenges of marriage. Oh, and Fluttershy, would you mind sticking around for a bit?”

Although Fluttershy said she would, Smolder had a raised, suspicious eyebrow as the other students began to leave. She watched both professors entered back into the classroom in which she turned to her friends. “Wait a minute, let’s stick around for a bit.”

“Why?” Ocellus questioned. “Class is over.”

“But didn’t you notice that something was a little off from Discord, as in, more than usual?”

“What are ya talking about?” Sandbar asked.

“Discord hesitated when Professor Fluttershy was paired up with Silver here, did any of you notice that?”

“Actually…” Silverstream put a talon under her beak, “I didn’t think about but, yeah, I noticed that too.”

“Smolder think something happened with Discord and Fluttershy?” Yona inquired.

Smolder looked around the hall until she noticed Gallus had a soda in his claws. “Where did you get that?”

“From class, long story,” Gallus waved it off. “Why?”

“Let me see that.” She took hold of the paper cup and dumped it out of a window.

“What do you think you’re doing?”

“About to get a clue as to what’s going on. Now everyone shut up for a minute.” Smolder returned to the classroom door, put the cup on it, and leaned over to the other end to listen.

“…. Happen?”

“I’m telling you Discord,” She heard Fluttershy say. “You have nothing to worry about.

Maybe, but when you paired up with Silverstream I almost…

After a beat of silence, Fluttershy said comfortingly, “I had guessed you might be jealous again, but I’m proud of you for the restraint.

From where I saw it, to me it didn’t look like you two were…

No. She told me herself that if she were to find love, she preferred it to come from a male. I could tell she wasn’t into me, so you could rest your fears aside.

Smolder heard Discord sigh, “It’s stupid to be so fearful over nothing.”

But it’s understandable. Trust me, I haven’t changed my mind about you.”

Even so, the next few days are going to be a doozy. Stuff on marriage, affairs, and when to get out a relationship…

Everything will be okay in the end.”

Smolder heard enough and pulled away.

“Well?” Ocellus leaned over to her marefriend, “What did you hear?”

“Something is going on alright.” She rubbed a talon under her chin, “And he’s nervous for the next few lessons too.”

“About what?” Yona asked.

“Marriage, affairs, and leaving a relationship. Why would he be nervous?”

Silverstream gasped, “You don’t suppose…” She looked around, “That maybe… Professor Fluttershy is punishing Discord.”

“For what?” Sandbar asked.

“What if he was caught having an affair? What if Fluttershy and he were dating when she caught him cheating, and as punishment, she’s making him do this class?”

The other students went quiet.

“Oh c’mon,” Gallus smirked, shaking his head, “There’s no way that’s the case… right?”