My Life As A Psychopathic Nine Year Old Filly

by deadpansnarker


Chapter 10: A Solo Tour

Hi there, non-existent diary! How you doin’?

Well, it’s just a typical day for me as far as it goes. Sweating my balls off (if I had any that is) while being hefted around in a big ol’ sack. Listening to a couple of middle-age bores drone on about how their daughter is practically perfect in every way (I can think of at least one Weather Factory that’d disagree). And that’s not even going into the daring prison escapes, surviving an encounter with the dreaded Tirek, meeting my new parents for the first time, headbutting a tree…

Okay, so my bumbling escapades since arriving in Equestria aren’t quite as dramatic as I tried making them sound. But sh*t is definitely about to go down, as the next stage of my misadventures takes me to one of the new settings for season eight, the School Of Friendship. 

When this educational hub for different species was announced soon after the movie, my initial reaction was skeptical. After all, we already have one classroom full of annoying brats… why do we require another, albeit one with different kinds of creature than your usual equine variety?

Well, it turns out I had nothing to worry about. They just virtually wrote out the Ponyville Schoolhouse from the show to concentrate on this new location, and gave the ‘Young Six’ as they came to be known more focus than the likes of Silver Spoon and Rumble ever received! Genius.

Not to say I didn’t like these fresh arrivals. They all had their own unique charms, from Yona’s broken English (Ponyish?) to Smoulder basically being the coolest dude (dudette?) ever. The problem was though, in this woebegone form I currently occupied they’d all be out to get me, so the fanboying and autographs would have to wait.

Darn that Cozy. As much as I hate those stupid fics where someone finds themselves stuck in Equestria as their alicorn OC with Twilight and co fighting over his affections the second he arrives, even that utter bilge would be better than… this! I could feel the feathers on my wings stand up in anger. Or maybe they just needed a good preen due to the oppressive heat inside this confined space. Great, something else Miss Glow forgot to demonstrate before fleeing the nest. Hopefully, I’ll be gone long before I have to ask other pegasi to help me lick my… wait, we’ve stopped!

It was true. Miles and miles of being bumped around whilst being slowly roasted like a cooked chicken (insert unoriginal Scootaloo joke here) had finally come to an end. Hopefully. Taking a bit of a risk, I peered through the tiny gap in my rucksack expectantly…

Wow, that is beautiful. I gazed in awe as the marvellous spectacle that was the School Of Friendship loomed over me, and when a born cynic like me thinks that without a trace of sarcasm, you know it’s something special. I wanna paddle in the water. I wanna sit on the highest spire. I wanna explore, nosy around, trespass with impunity!

Oops, no time for any of that. The muffled voices of my future adopters (they wish) made it clear their first stop with me in tow would be the clinic to get me ‘checked out’, and with my notoriety ‘round these parts capture would inevitably follow seconds later.

Not on my watch, Skippy. I waited for Bow Hothoof and Windy Whistles to exchange a few pleasantries with a few creatures at the entrance, before entering the building. So far, no mention of their extra passenger… and I’ve successfully infiltrated the premises. Good

I thought I might be able to slip out of the bag soon after that, but judging from the raucous noises emanating from the corridors there were just too many students around. And I’m sure they’d just love to be reacquainted with the filly who lied and manipulated them for weeks, almost leading to the permanent loss of their ability to fly/use magic/plough fields (please delete where applicable).

So I hung on like a guy dangling off a precipice, biting my hooves for all it was worth (probably chipping a few teeth in the process, but that’s okay… Cozy’s used to soft gruel by now). Any second now, the entry point to my hideaway could be thrust all the way open, and I would be forcibly tossed out to a chorus of voices: “What is she doing here?” “Quick, you pin her down and I’ll fetch help!” “You’ll never see the light of day again, O wicked filly!”

But this much-repeated scenario in my head never came to pass. Instead, I found myself in the unexpected position of giving thanks and praise, not to any religious entity (another facet of Equestrian life not really focused on) but to the infamous weakness of a woman’s bladder.

“Sorry, Bow! I really have to go! I’ve been holding it in for most of the trip, and now it feels like my insides are about to rip!” That was Windy Whistles doing her best Zecora impression. Probably unintentional, but still pretty funny.

“Okay Windy, I’ll wait for you out here. The medical centre is just around the corner according to the sign, so as soon as you’re finished we’ll make our way there!” Ulp. Looks like it’s now or never. Brace yourself, kiddo..

“Should I take our special little patient inside the bathroom with me?” Not on your nelly. I’ve already been once, and it’s not an experience I intend to repeat in a hurry. In fact, I’ll probably need multiple therapy sessions upon my return just to cope with the trauma. 

“Nah, it’s okay. She’ll be having a nice nap in there, and we shouldn’t wake her up just yet ‘til we’ve got her safely settled inside the clinic.” Bless you sir. Bless you. You’re on my Christmas Hearth’s Warming card list for life now, just wait and see.

“If you say so, dear. Well, I’ll only be a few minutes. Love you!!” Then Windy gave Bow the kind of extended sloppy smooch you’d expect if she was going on vacation for a month to Los Pegasus. Gag. The sooner I’m away from this sappy dappy couple, the better.

The chance came sooner than I thought. No sooner had Windy disappeared into the little mare’s room, my roving eye saw Bow turn his back on my bag to stare at something on the wall. No doubt some artistic endeavour by a bunch of sixth-graders, promoted way beyond its actual quality, Hoof-painting, or so forth.

It mattered not. All it took was a slight unzipping of the rucksack for me to squeeze out, and after tip-hoofing for a few steps I began galloping like the Dickens as soon as what I’d judged a safe distance had passed. Free at last. Free at last. Thank Celestia Almighty I’m free at last.

I’d love to have flown, to further my enviable aerial prowess from earlier(!) Alas, what with my tiny wings being absolutely drenched in perspiration, such a notion was fanciful to say the least. It felt like I’d been stuck in a sauna all day long, without the charming banter of Lotus Blossom and Aloe or the talented massaging ministrations of one Bulk Biceps, of course.

There was one bit of good news though: apparently, afternoon lessons had already begun so the hallways and passages were completely deserted, which allowed me full reign to explore this amazing structure to my giddy little heart’s content.

Not that I wanted to chance my luck too much, but when am I gonna get an opportunity like this again?

Must find Twilight… must find… wait, is that Starlight’s office? And look! That’s the closet where Spike hid just before he got his wings! Also, wow! A water fountain! Amazing!… Okay, stop now.

I was gushing like a kid (maybe because I was one), without actually getting anywhere. Despite my intimate knowledge of the show, I simply had no idea where Twilight might be, and all the distractions around were just putting me off my vital search.

Okay, Coz… I-I mean, Nigel, breathe. If you were a neurotic bookworm princess, where would you be on a balmy afternoon? Not at your desk, because I’ve already passed by there. Not taking a class, because the only voices I heard were Rarity’s and Rainbow’s when I listened in earlier. Better make your mind up, because you’re running out of… wait, what’s that room over there?

Judging by the shelves full of books, the answer was ‘the library’. It seemed as good a place as any to check… and my enthusiasm was multiplied a thousand-fold when I spotted a certain colour poking out between the gaps of the many publications available there.

Is that… a lavender figure I see sitting down? It’s the exact hue of Twilight’s coat, too. It has to be her! Now to play it cool, and calmly walk in there to explain the convoluted situation rationally so you don’t come across as a crazy pony... 

That was the plan, anyway. And you know what they say about the best laid ones.

“H-Help! C-Cozy Glow, stole body! N-Now on Earth, while I’m stuck here! L-Left Tartarus to find you, but wanted fugitive! R-Rainbow’s parents took me here… S-So hungry and thirsty… F-Feel ready to collapse…”

Oops. Obviously when you’ve been running around a large building on pure adrenaline alone with barely any nutrients, it does tend to catch up with you. As informative and as concise as I tried being then, my weakened state must’ve shone through in my feeble attempts at explanation.

It would also help if I’d actually been talking to the right pony. Or indeed, the right species.

“U-Um, hi?” Were all the words a stunned Smoulder could utter upon seeing her mortal pony enemy spring from nowhere, and she wore a purplish jacket for no other reason than to screw with my feverishly optimistic brain.

At least, that’s the way I saw it. I mean, aren’t dragons usually nekkid

Then, as if things couldn’t get any better, the bell rang to indicate next lessons were about to start. 

It never rains but it pours, and it looks like I’m about to be caught in a tsunami.