“We’re lost.”
“Nonsense, bro.” Anton cranes his neck back at me. “We’re just taking the scenic route-”
“We’re lost. We’re lost in some magic fantasy castle, owned by an equally magical, talking pony princess.” We turn a corner and walk down another long hall, our footsteps echoing through the corridor. “This is retarded.”
“Yes, thank you for the context.” Anton rolls his eyes. “But yeah, this castle is like a labyrinth. Isn’t this just the first floor? There shouldn’t be this many rooms.”
“Honestly.” Reaching for the handle to Giant Green Door #34, I twist and push. “And how many empty rooms does a castle even need? I haven’t seen a single person here other than us, spike, and that other…”
“Well, well. ” Anton says, peering over my head. “What have we got in here?”
Pushing the door in fully, Anton and I walk through the doorway. Inside, a purple, full-sized mirror stands before us, various tubes attached to its frame. The frame itself is made of some kind of transparent glass, designed in the shape of a horseshoe, with additional smaller horseshoes scattered along its base. At its highest point, yet another horseshoe stands with a small, cartoony horse insignia emblazoned on it. Attached to the frame of the mirror, tubes connect to a large machine behind the mirror. There are also a few tesla coils fitted to the machinery. Why does a mirror need tesla coils?
Behind the mirror, a large bookshelf extends from the wall, filled to the brim in various novels. Anton circles around me and towards the mirror. He flicks the mirror, a light tink ringing as his finger bounces off the reflective surface.
“So” he says, “this is the Crystal Mirror, huh? Neat.”
I follow up behind Anton and peer into the mirror. The skinny, green man from the hospital states back. He raises a hand to his chin, and smirks. Hello again handsome.
“Well this is a surprise,” says a voice from behind. Standing in the open doorway, Twilight nods at the both of us. “I wasn’t expecting you two to find this place on your own. I’m impressed, if not a little disappointed.”
“I was planning on waiting until after dinner to show you.” She approaches us, feigning disappointment at the ceiling. “There goes that grand introduction I planned.”
“Hah, you can thank my bro for that.” says Anton, dropping an open palm onto my head. “It was his idea to open every door in the castle.”
Slapping his hand, I shoot him a sneer. “Oh bullshit. If anything, you wanted to do the snooping.”
“Whaaat?” Anton raises a hand to his chest, resting the other on his hip. “‘Snooping’!? Why brother, what are you insinuating? We’re just looking for the dining hall. Honestly, and in front of our generous host.”
“It’s not insinuation, it's an accusation!”
“Wow, there it is. You did it, bro. You’ve broken my heart. Look, you can see little pieces of it on the floor now.”
“I’m sorry,” Twilight looks between us with a puzzled look, “but did I… miss something?”
“Ah, right.” I turn back to her. “Almost forgot.”
Running a hand over my scalp, I try to look her in the eye. My gaze drifts to the floor anyway. “I’m, uhm, sorry for my behavior earlier. I uh, acted like an idiot back at the bakery, and I made a scene. So like, yeah. I’m an idiot, and like, y’know, I get it if you’re not cool with me, and like-”
“Bro, you’re rambling again.” Anton cuts in.
“Fuck off, Anton. Can’t you see I’m trying to be apologetic?” I gesture to the air around me.
“I’ve heard smoother eloquence from a cactus.”
“Anton, I swear to God if you do not shut up I will kick you so hard in the dick, you’ll coom out your mouth!”
Anton grimaces. “Bro, please never say that word out loud in the presence of other people ever again.”
“Anton, shut the f-”
A loud snort cuts me off, and I turn back to Twilight. She’s brought a hoof up to her mouth and turned her head away from us. Her shoulders seem to bounce, as well.
Yo, she’s fucking laughing.
“You two,” she says between chortles, “are the strangest pair I’ve ever met.”
I drag a hand down my face. “Man, why do I even bother with you people? I try to make a decent apology, and I still get clowned on. I give u-”
“I forgive you.”
“I...sorry?”
“Of course I forgive you,” Twilight says with a smile. She walks to the mirror and lays a hoof on its base, turning her head around to face us. “I understand your frustrations; you’ve been dragged from your home, far from your friends and loved ones, with no knowledge of how or why. It’d be strange if you weren’t at least a little upset.”
Twilight turns back to the mirror. “To be honest, I was in a similar situation too. I didn’t want to leave my home, but had to go out of obligation. The next thing I knew, I was transported to a completely new world; separated from my friends and family, and aside from Spike, I was completely alone. If it wasn’t for all of the friends I made on the other side, we’d likely never have even made it back.”
Twilight sighs, resting a hoof on the surface of the mirror. “I...I do hope the girls are doing well over there...”
She goes quiet, masking her face from us. I turn to Anton and he just shrugs back at me. God-fucking-dammit, fine. I’ll say something then.
“Hey Twilight,” I start, my voice a little shakier than I’d like. “It’s alright, I’m sure they’re, uhm, I’m sure they’re doing just fine. I mean it all worked out in the end, right?”
Twilight turns back, but she looks past us. “Heh, yeah. You’re probably right. I’m sure they’re all busy with each other on their side, too. I’d just be a bother, showing up out of nowhere.”
She trots to the door, stopping at the entrance without looking back. “Come on you two, I’ll show you to the dining hall.”
Anton and I exchange a glance before hurrying after the princess.
We walk in silence, Anton and I tailing behind Twilight. Eventually, we approach another pair of green double doors that look exactly like every other pair of green double doors in this fucking castle. The sound of faint talking and laughter come through the other side. The handles glow purple as Twilight extends her magic, and we follow her into the room.
“Hey bro,” Anton whispers from my side. “You thinking what I’m thinking?”
“Yeah, ‘Dining Hall’ my ass.” I feel a grimace creeping on my face. “This is just disappointing.”
The ‘hall’ is hardly more than a circular, medium-sized room. Red drapes hang from the walls, flanking more green windows. Much like the entrance, tiny crystals dangle from the ceiling, sparkling in the lamplight. A large, wooden round-table sits in the center of the room, surrounded by seven padded stools. Various dishes sit on the table, visible steam wafting into the air. Seated at the left of the table is both Spike and a blue pony I’ve never seen before. On the right, Starlight sits next to an orange pony with a rust-red mane and tail, silver glasses, and the dumbest looking beard I’ve ever-
“Holy crap, that is one magnificent beard!” Exclaims Anton.
The orange unicorn glances towards Starlight for a moment, before turning back to us. “I, uhm...Thanks, I guess?”
“Hey, no problem.” Anton quickly strides to the table. He flashes the ponies a toothy grin, dropping himself onto a stool. He salutes two fingers to his temple before flicking them to the ceiling. “Name’s Antonymous, and that‘s my older brother Anonymous. A pleasure to meet you. I assume Twilight’s already told y’all why we’re here?”
As they speak, Twilight motions me close, leaning in and raising a hoof to hide her mouth.
“Is he,” she points a hoof towards the other human, “always like this?”
“Yeah.” I cross my arms. “Isn’t it great?”
“Actually, it’s quite enjoyable.” She says, trotting toward the opposite side of the table.
“...Fan-fucking-tastic.”
I drag myself forward, pulling up a chair next to Anton, and listen as he finishes his introduction. I wait for a moment as everyone speaks. The orange, bearded pony is called Sunburst. The blue one with the cape refers to herself in the occasional third person as the “Great and Powerful” Trixie, whatever the fuck that means. As everyone speaks, I reach for the table, landing on a platter of weird-looking hot dogs. It’s not until I drop one onto my plate that I notice the green stem sticking out of the end of it.
I peel the mystery stick from its bun, and nibble on the end of it. After a few bites, I hold it up to my eyes. Yep, it's a grilled carrot. They actually grilled a carrot and stuck it in a potato bun.
What is my life right now.
“Oh yeah,” Sunburst says from my right. “We don’t usually have, uhm, many foreigners at the dinner table with us. Hope you don’t mind a vegetarian meal.”
“Huh? Oh, uhm, no it’s fine.” I reach for a burger, tossing it onto my plate. “It’s just a little...different from what I’m used to, is all.”
I raise the burger to my lips, but stop just shy when I catch Spike staring. Sighing, I place the burger and plate back onto the table. Alright, fine, let’s get this shit over with.
“Hey, uh, Starlight and Spike.” I smack my lips. “I’d like to apologize for my attitude earlier today, I was kind of a jackass.”
“Oh it’s no problem, Anon!” Spike pipes up, bits of green falling onto his plate, “I won’t hold it against ya. Don’t see how that makes you a donkey, though.”
Starlight tilts her head, raising an eyebrow at me. “I’m sorry, ‘earlier today’? I don’t believe we’ve met until now.”
I glance at Anton, and he shrugs again, a small baguette poking out of his mouth.
“Whaddaya mean, Starlight?” Spike asks, “We saw you walking out of the castle earlier this afternoon.”
“Spike, I told you this morning that I was going to be out most of the day running errands for the school-”
“So, Antonymous.” A voice erupts from my left.
I turn to the caped pony at my side; her neck’s craned forward and she’s shifted to the edge of her seat. Her coat runs a light shade of blue, with a mane so light blue it almost looks gray. Like Starlight, a spiraled horn juts out of her forehead. However, unlike Starlight, a large cloak wraps around her body, small stars emblazoned on the hem and lower parts of the fabric. A similarly designed, pointed hat sits on the ground next to her stool. Her purple eyes dart between Anton and I.
“You’ve been on your own for nearly four days, correct?” Trixie continues. “I-er, Trixie is curious, why don’t you tell us about your first experiences in Equestria?”
My brother looks around the table before gulping down his roll. Leaning back in his stool, he takes a deep breath.
“Well, let’s see here.” Anton grunts, squinting to the ceiling. “After a night on the town with a couple friends, I came home and hopped into bed. Not really sure what happened after; but next thing I knew, I woke up butt-naked in a crater, surrounded on all sides by trees.”
Starlight tilts her head. “The Everfree Forest?”
“That’s the one.” He nods, leaning into the table. “So there I was, transported in an instant and with no recollection of how I got there. Also, my jammies were gone. My bro was there too, naked and blissfully asleep.”
He grins at me. “You’re a really heavy sleeper, by the way.”
“So I’ve been told.” I grumble. “So what then?”
“Well, after a couple minutes of shaking you around, I just kinda picked you up and started walking around. I swear, I’d probably have wandered for hours if not for the screaming.”
“‘Screaming’?”
“Yeah, I was just as confused. Judging from the sound of the voice, I expected to find a little human girl; but as I reached a clearing, instead I spotted three little ponies and a dragon. Spike, here, was flying frantically around, corralling the ponies together and blasting fire out his mouth around them. Lemme tell ya, it was one hell of a scene, and for a second I thought Spike was trying to hurt ‘em.”
He pauses, taking in a breath. “It took a second, but in the light of the flames, I thought I saw something moving in the dark. Sure enough, a shape lunged toward the small ponies, only to get blasted with green fire and run off. That’s when it hit me: Spike was protecting the ponies. From wolves.”
“‘Wolves’?” Trixie asks.
“I believe you call them ‘Timber Wolves’. Anyway, I did what any sensible person would do in my position: I ran straight for them!”
He looks at me expectantly.
Shaking my head, I reach for another hot-carrot. “Y’know, after all the shit that’s happened, that doesn’t surprise me. You’re still actually retarded, though.”
Anton raises his nose at me. “Oh come on, bro, I didn’t want to just leave them there. Besides, what if there were stragglers lurking around? I figured I’d have better chances in a group than by myself.”
I lean an elbow on the table, shoving one end of the bun into my mouth. The carrot’s surprisingly sweet, likely cooked with some honey or sugar, but the bread helps it from being too overwhelming. “So you just ran in? I’m preeetty sure wolves also tend to rush animals running on their own, especially with their back turned to them.”
“Yeah, that’s just it, bro. They didn’t. In fact, as I got closer, they started backing away.” My brother sits up suddenly, placing his elbows on the table and hiding his mouth behind his hands. His expression goes hard, he glares into the table. “It was almost as if they were scared or something...”
A silence falls onto the dining hall, with everyone’s eyes on my brother. For the longest time no one speaks up.
“Oh well!” Anton chirps, that cheery tone back in his voice. “I’m sure it isn’t important. Anyway, I gave the group a bit of a scare when I sprinted at them, full speed, out of nowhere. Didn’t get a chance to talk to them much, but they were nice enough to show me back to town. As luck would have it, one of the ponies was even the sister of a local seamstress, and convinced her to make us some clothes.”
“Oh yeah.” I pinch the collar of my shirt. “You’ll have to remind me to thank her later.”
“Oh, no problem.” Anton hooks an arm around me, “Trust me, you’ll love Rarity-that’s her name by the way-nicest lady.” He grabs a glass of water from the table, tilting its contents into his mouth and gulping it down with a sigh. “Anyway, that’s enough about here. How about a story or two about me and my bro from back home?”
We spend the rest of dinner listening to Anton recount tales from our past lives: the one time we got in trouble for stapling bread to the trees of our elementary school, the time I accidentally set our neighbor’s pool on fire during their birthday party, and even that time Anton blinded himself with a homemade flashbang. Holy fuck, we were dumb kids.
We have to take turns explaining a lot of things, from the internet, to the concept of automobiles and the comedic genius of tree-bread. Though our colorful audience nod their heads, it feels more like they’re just faking it for our sake. Well, maybe except for Twilight. She leans in for most of the conversations, questioning each meticulous detail. I add very few anecdotes, leaving most of the tale-weaving to my brother. He tends to exaggerate some details; but I can tell he’s having fun, so I bite my tongue.
“...And I couldn’t see jack! I’m telling you, I was practically blind!” shouts Anton, a foot now resting on the edge of his seat. He keeps his arm around my shoulders, leaning more of his weight on me. I don’t bother shaking him off, though. I gave up about a half-hour ago.
“And this guy,” Anton points a finger at me. “This beautiful man, had to sneak out of the house at three in the morning, steal our mom’s car, and come pick my drunk ass up off the side of the road!”
“‘Pick you up’ is a bit of an understatement,” I chortle.
“Oh yeah, you hit me-”
“You walked out onto the road.”
Anton closes his eyes, feigning a pained expression. “Please, bro, I was both blind and inebriated. I can’t be held accountable for my actions.”
“Yeah, and a fuckin’ unaccountable psycho jumped out onto the hood of our mother’s moving car in the middle of the night.” I raise a cup to my lips. “Nearly broke a light, and gave me a fuckin’ heart attack. Remind me to smack the shit out of you the next time you think of trying a stunt like that. Where the hell did you even get Magnesium shavings, anyway?”
I look across the table and spot Twilight, idly rolling on a broccoli stem in her teeth and staring into her plate. “Yo, Twilight, you good?”
“Huh? O-oh yeah, sorry.” She stumbles, dropping the vegetable onto her plate. “I was just thinking about the technology you guys told us about. I’ve seen some of it before when I travelled through the mirror. But still, it’s fascinating. You all lived your whole lives entirely without magic, and yet you’ve cured countless mortal ailments and illnesses, you’ve built civilizations off of nothing but the sweat on your brows, and you’ve managed to travel across thousands of miles of land, air, and sea in days if not hours. Even as far as past the outer atmosphere of your planet.”
Twilight raps a hoof against the table. “Even without casting spells, the magic in our lands should give us a distinct advantage over your societies. And yet, the things you humans come up with are astounding! I’ve only seen similar innovation in places like Manehatten or Applewood. If we could somehow bring some of that knowledge and ingenuity here, I can only imagine the good we could provide for Equestria...”
“Uh,” I start. “Twi-”
“Oh Twilight,” Trixie guffaws. “Always looking towards the next horizon, always thinking about what’s best for everyone. It’s no wonder the others look up to you so much. My, I’m so proud-”
“Uh, Trixie,” Starlight says. “Are you feeling alright? You’re acting a little…different since coming back from your trip."
“Wha-erhm, Starlight, what do you mean?” The blue unicorn stumbles, “I-Trixie is perfectly fine.”
Starlight furrows her brow, but nods. “I...okay, I suppose.”
“Well either way,” Anton says, raising a cup. “we can talk about that stuff later, let’s just continue on with dinner!”
I, in turn, raise my now sufficiently cooled burger to the ceiling. “Hah, I can toast to that one.”
I wrap my arm around my brother’s shoulder, as awkward as it is, and take a big bite into my burger. I spit the contents out almost instantly, a shower of mushy bread and gold strands falling onto my plate.
“Bleck! What the f-is that hay!?”
Soon after, we finish our dinner and clean up the table. Starlight, Sunburst, and Spike exit to their dorms, and Trixie leaves for her wagon. No, really. Her friends live in a fucking castle and she’s content with a “show wagon”. When the door shuts behind them, Twilight, Anton, and I sit around the table in silence.
“Sooo.” I grunt. “Twilight, we got time to waste. Why don’t you tell us a bit more about the mirror?”
“Oh, sure thing.” Twilight says. “Is there something in particular you were interested in?”
“Well, how about a quick rundown on how it works, and why we’re not walking on four legs right now?”
“Oh, no problem.” Twilight closes her eyes, a pale light enveloping her horn. A small flash erupts on the table, and out of nowhere, an apple on a plate and an orange in a bowl appear in front of her.
“So let’s say.” She motions with her hoof. “That the plate with the apple here represents our land of Equestria and its creatures. The bowl with the orange represents your world and species. Aside from these, there exists an infinite number of other dishes and fruits in existence. They all share their similarities at their foundation, but they express themselves differently. For example, the apple is a red pomaceous fruit, while the orange is an orange citrus. The plate is flat, while the bowl is rounded. Each fruit is bound to the laws and nature imposed onto them from their respective dish. An apple can only be an apple on the plate, and an orange can only be an orange in the bowl.”
Anton and I exchange a glance, and Twilight laughs.
“I’m sorry,” she giggles, “I’ll try not to make the metaphor too confusing. Alright, so the plate and apple represent our universe and the equestrian citizens. The bowl and orange represent your universe and humans. However, should one try to cross into the other…”
Twilight raises the apple and orange into the air with her magic, rips off equal portions of each fruit, and swaps them between the produce. She then returns the fruit to their dishes. As she does so, the exposed orange flesh on the apple slowly takes on a red color, morphing into the apple and closing up the seam. The Orange does the opposite, slowly turning the apple flesh into a part of the orange.
“Neat trick, huh?” She says. “The laws of the dish-er-the universes force a change on those who pass through.”
“Oh okay!” Anton says, “So the universe forces a change in order to compensate for the new, foreign objects. Wait, but then…”
“Exactly!” Twilight beams. “When I passed through the mirror, I walked out completely different. I had two legs and arms, I lost my horn, I looked exactly like you. I don’t know why, but for some reason you both maintained your original forms when you came here. It’s an exception to the rule and it’s fascinating!”
The glint in her eyes tells me she’s having way too much fun with this.
Anton rubs his chin. “Yeah, I think I remember Spike mentioning something about that. Wait, he said you attended high school?”
“Oh, heh. He told you guys about that? Well, the only way to get back the stolen artifact was to win it as elected princess in a Fall Formal Dance, so I didn’t really have much of a choice.”
I squint my eyes and tilt my head back. “How...how old are you?”
“19.”
Anton and I glance at each other again.
“You’re a 19 year old princess.”
“Yep.”
“With your own castle.”
“Yep.”
“All on your own.”
“I mean I have Spike, Starlight, Sunb-”
“Holy fucking shit.”
Beside me, Anton struggles to contain another laughing fit.
I bury my face in a hand and sigh. “God, this place is so weird. Please tell me we can leave soon.”
“Oh, yes! Twilight perks, “You’ll be excited to hear that we should be able to get you home by tomorrow. I spoke with an old, well I mean he’s not that old-no I mean he is pretty old, but-ah nevermind. A friend of mine from Canterlot is on his way and should be able to help us out. He knows this mirror even better than I do, and should be able to help set it up and calibrate it correctly.”
I raise an eyebrow. “What? I thought you traveled through it before. Did something happen?”
Twilight doesn’t meet my eye. “Well, I would, but it was already set up before. And besides, there were some...complications.”
“Not a problem, Twilight.” Anton says. He turns to me with a nod. “Well bro, I guess there’s not much else to do now but get some shut-eye.”
“Y’know, Anton.” Stretching back as I stand, I wave a hand back as I stride to the entrance. “That’s gotta be the best thing you’ve said all day. Cya tomorrow Twilight.”
“Goodnight, you two!” Twilight calls as we walk out the door.
As I enter the hall, my shoulders slump as I let the air out of my lungs. Yawning, my legs move on autopilot down the corridor.
What a fuckin’ day.
“Tired?” Anton asks, flanking me.
“If I say yes, are you going to try and wring my arm around your neck again like a fucking towel?”
“Please, bro.” My brother raises a hand to his chest. “You know it’s not fun to embarrass you if there’s no one around to see.”
“Kiss my aaaaasssss.” I moan to the ceiling.
As we reach the staircase, Anton walks ahead, bounding up two steps at a time.
“So, looks like things’ll be back to normal soon.” He says. “You sure you don’t want to stay for a bit? ”
I roll my eyes. “Oh, hell to the no, don’t even start. We're going home if I have to drag your ass, kicking and screaming.”
Anton jumps the last couple steps, twirling to face me. He holds his fists in the air, a playful smile across his face. He swings at the air, as though he’s shadow boxing.
“Joking.” He says, dropping his arms to his sides “But, you gotta admit that’d be a pretty funny scene. Y’know, cuz you’re so short.”
“Actually trip and fall.” I smack him on the arm, turning to my room door and pulling it open. “Don’t talk to me for 8-10 hours.”
“Aye-aye, captain. Have a good night.”
“You too.”
Passing through the doorway, I let the door swing shut behind me. Walking to the window, I place my hands on the sides of its frame. The moon’s risen high into the night sky now; waxing, but just on the cuff of being full.
Cracking my neck, I slowly let my head drop.
“A magic fucking mirror, huh?” I chuckle. “What a-”
What a waste of time.
The noise makes me jump. Turning around, I look left, then right, then left again. Squinting hard, I can hardly make out the silhouettes in the room.
“Is, uh, someone there?” I call into the darkness.
The only response is silence. As my eyes slowly adjust, the corners of the room sharpen, revealing themselves only empty.
Scoffing, I grab a corner of the bed cover and pull, before hopping in.
I’m actually going fucking crazy.