//------------------------------// // Discordant censorship // Story: The elements of metal // by sykko //------------------------------// The elements of metal kicked off their whirlwind Equestria-wide tour with their first stop, a three day concert in Canterlot at the royal palace. Screaming fans gathered outside in the streets as the opening act, an Iron Mare cover band called Steel Pegasus, began playing their renditions of Gallop to the hills, Number of the nightmare and Empire of Cloudsdale, they finished their set with The evil that ponies do. As Steel Pegasus bowed, the band bowed and the lead singer shouted into the mic, "Thank you Canterlot! We love you!" The crowd roared and cheered showing their love. Outside the concert, several stuck-up ponies marched in circles waving signs as they chanted in protest, "Hey-hey! Ho-ho! This rock and or roll has to go!" Leading the protesters were dour mares. The first was an earth pony who looked like she needed the stick pulled out of ponut, a good stiff drink, a good stiff...well you know or the tender loving caresses of rusty chains to her face, named Mrs. Harshwhinny, the second looked like an abomination that looked like it escaped the ark, a unicorn mare named Zesty Gourmand. "I think this rock and or roll is a dangerous influence on the foals.", Mrs Harshwhinny said to a nearby news reporter, "I recently read on Glenn Bucking's blog that rock and or roll might lead to foals committing suicide, picking fights or even talking back to their parents. It might also lead them to things like huffing roofies or snorting dabs or even trying...", she gave a dramatic gasp, "...premarital sex!" She placed a hoof to her forehead as she swooned while clutched the string of pearl around her neck with the other hoof. Zesty Gourmand spoke up, "This is unforgivable and must come to an end! As the spokes ponies for stallions and mares enraged against rot, we feel it is our imperative to take action against garbage like this." She unrolled a scroll and began reading out loud, "I summon the Discord, lord of censorship! Break forth from your thousand year prison! Rise up from your thousand years of sleep! Banish the music and purify the land! I command you to rise! Rise! Rise!" In the statue garden of the palace, cracks began to form on the statue of Discord. The elements of metal took the stage and Twilight stepped up to the mic, "Hello Canterlot!" The crowd screamed and cheered. "Welcome to the show!", Twilight continued, "We are Mystic Princess! But we're thinking of changing our name.", taking a deep breath, she shouted into the mic, "This is our first single, I WILL BE A HERD!" The elements began playing as Twilight took in a deep breath. [iNow is the time to rise to my hooves! Wipe your spit from my face! Wipe these tears from my eyes! Now is the time to rise to my hooves! Wipe your spit from my face! Wipe these tears from my eyes! I've got one chance to take my magic back! One chance to make it right! I've got one chance to get my voice and let it be a herd! I...Will...Be! I will be a herd! I...Will...Be! I will be a herd! Through the worst we will be prevail! So our voices...Will...Be...A...Herd! The music cut out as the instruments disappeared in puffs of smoke. The audience and the elements stared dumbfounded at what just happened. "Am I really drunk or did our instruments just disappear?", Thrasher asked. "Both.", Applejack said dumbfounded, "What in th' tarnation jus' happened?!" "I...don't know...", Twilight said confused. "Glad it isn't just me.", Thrasher said cracking open a beer. Discord appeared on the massive screens. "I'm sorry, but this rock and or roll show has been cancelled as it has been censored, being deemed improper for foals. Instead I offer for you a suitable alternative." He snapped his lion's paw and the speakers began playing flat, rhythmic bleeps. The crowd started booing as they became rowdy. They began throwing bottles, trash and bricks on stage, Thrasher didn't help by throwing empties back at the crowd. "Come on, let's go see if Celestia knows what's happening before the crowd kills us.", Twilight said. The elements left the stage, except for Thrasher, who had to be dragged off stage as she threw empties at the crowd. The elements ran into the throne room where Celestia and Luna were waiting with uncomfortable looks on their faced. Before any of the elements could speak, Celestia spoke up, "I know full what happened, somepony broke into the forbidden wing of the royal library and stole a spell from the Ponynomicon. They used it to free the lord of censorship, Discord." "Pony-nom-nom?", Pinkie asked tilting her head in confusion. Celestia sighed as she facehoofed. "One of these days I'm going to have to have to give you a piss test and see exactly how high you are." Luna cleared throat, "The ponynomicon is an ancient forbidden tome containing powerful magic that can summon creatures from another dimension, awaken ancient evils, free those who were long imprisoned. It is bound with the hide of a thousand sacrificed foals, the pages are made from the flesh from a thousand slaughtered ponies and it is inked in the blood of dead gods who dream. It was written by the hoof a mad stallion from Saddle Arabia, whose name is lost to time." "So...uh...why didn't y'all burn that book or encase it in concrete?", Applejack asked. Celestia and Luna blinked as they hadn't thought of that. Thrasher cracked open another beer. "A book made from the hide and flesh of ponies. Sounds fuckin' metal as fuck to me." "So who is this Discord?", Twilight asked. "He used to be a righteous dude who was an original member of our band.", Celestia said, "But after getting out of rehab for the three hundredth time, he fell in with lame cult that was into wearing chastity belts and they believed that metal was evil." "And for some reason they were really into watchtowers.", Luna said. "After Discord fell in with this cult, he went from a most righteous guitarist who had chaotic licks to this totally lame chastity belt wearing plot-head who wholeheartedly believed that not only was metal evil and needed to be censored, but that all music need to be censored.", Celestia said, "I mean those carpenter-worshiping weirdos didn't want to censor music, they just sequestered themselves away in their communities." "So what happened after Discord became the lord of censorship?", Twilight asked. "Me, Luna and the rest of the original band beat the shit out of him, turned him to stone and kicked him out of the band.", Celestia said proudly. "So how do we stop him?", Twilight asked. "Simple...", Thrasher said, "We kick the shit out of him, ram some metal up his ponut, use the elements to turn him back to stone, the go out and get wasted." "That may not be the plan I go with, but it sounds righteous!", Celestia said, "Come along." She walked over to the cabinet where instrument and the elements were locked away. When the cabinet was opened, all nine ponies gasped seeing the elements were missing. Thrasher took the beat-up old guitar off her back and stroked it like one would a lover. "Good thing I never go anywhere without Lucy." Laughter seemed to come from nowhere. "What's the matter Celestia? Are you upset that I've censored you?" "Discord! Show youself you lame-plot!", Celestia growled. Discord appeared in the stained glass window depicting the elements defeating Popstar Moon, placing black censor bars over the eyes of the figures. "What the [bleep]?!" Thrasher jumped with surprise as a bleep and a black censor bar flashed over her mouth for a second. "What the [bleep] is going on?! Why can't I [bleep] cuss without being [bleep] censored?! Dis[bleep]cord! [bleed] cut it out or I will [bleep] you up the [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] with a [bleep] aardvark!" She made a vulgar gesture with her hoof and screamed in frustration as it was blurred out with pixelation. Discord! You cut that the [bleep] out or I will [bleep] you up the [bleep] with a [bleep] elephant's [bleep]! AAAAAHHHHHH! [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] [bleep]!" "Uh, we better find a way to stop Discord 'fore Thrasher here starts speaking solely in Morse code.", Applejack said. "So why did you take away everything with censorship?", Twilight asked Discord chuckled. "My dear Twilight Sparkle, censorship doesn't take anything away, it simply moves it out of sight and out of mind, so nopony gets offended by anything." Thrasher took out another beer, cracked it open, took a swig and spit it out. "Lemme guess, Discord made yer beer warm?", Applejack said. Thrasher dropped the can, spilling its contents. "Worse!", she exclaimed in horror, "He made it non-alcoholic!" She pressed her hooves to her face and screamed, "NON-ALCOHOLIC!" Pinkie gasped in shock. "Discord! That's such a meanie-mean pants thing to do! Put the alcohol back in her beer!" Discord tapped his chin. "I'm not sure if that should be censored or not. Instead I'll do this." He snapped his eagle talon. A small metal box appeared on the wall and a slip of paper slid out of it. A mechanical voice said, "Pinkamina Dianne Pie. You have been fined fifty credits for improper language." Pinkie gasped, snatched the paper off the box, narrowed her eyes and growled. "Such a not nice meanie pants thing to do." "Pinkamina...wrr...wrr*crackle*" The box was cut off as Pinkie slammed her hoof into it. "Come girls, I've got a plan on how to stop Discord.", Twilight said. The seven ponies made their way out onto the balcony and Twilight spoke up, "We're sorry everypony! Though Doscord has censored us, he can't stop the music!" The royal guards/stagehooves brought out instruments and the band prepared to play, Thrasher sat on her haunches trembling. "Thrasher?", Twilight asked concerned, "Are you okay?" "No.", Thrasher whispered, her eyes wavering in fear, "So sober. So coherent. So many lucid thoughts." "Try and play anyways.", Twilight said. Thrasher strummed her guitar and sour notes came out. Dropping the guitar, she held her face in her hooves, "I'm sorry. Without alcohol, I can't play." She walked off the balcony and back into the palace. The crowd booed and hissed as they threw bottles and cans. The remaining elements hurried back in the palace. "Come on Thrasher!", Rainbow said in a loud voice, "We need you! Without the element of brutality, how can we be a most righteous band?" "Then I guess there is no more band.", Thrasher said uncomfortably sober. She hung her head, left the palace and made her way to the train station. Rainbow dropped the guitar and held a hoof to her mouth. "No.", she whispered. The remaining dropped their instruments and they all quietly made their way back to Ponyville. Celestia and Luna walked over to the small pile of instruments and closed their eyes. "I know how we can help, Luna.", Celestia said softly, "Let's go talk to him." The two sisters turned and walked further into the castle. Discord appeared on Twilight's back, dancing. "Well it looks like this is the all hope is lost moment, eh Twinkle Sprinkle?" Twilight didn't answer, she just hung her head and shed silent silent tears. Thrasher walked through the streets of Ponyville as signs reading alcohol-free, juice bar, water fountain inside and public library drifted by her. The signs and world began to spin around her and she placed her hooves to her face screaming. Twilight walked into Golden Oaks and went up to her room, flopping on her bed in despair. She buried her head in pillows and cried. "Twilight, babe!", Spike said, "What's wrong?" Raising her head as tears trickled down her cheeks, Twilight said, "Oh Spike! It's terrible! We broke up!" "Why? What happened?" Discord censored us and took away Thrasher's alcohol! It turns out she can't play sober." Twilight flopped her head back into the pillows and cried more. Spikes phone chirped with a text and he read the text. He gasp and shouted, "Twi! We just got a text from Celestia saying she can help!" Twilight lifted her head as Spike read the text out loud, "Twilight, enclosed in the magical attachment is a potion made from the blood of an ancient creature named Keith Richards. Give the potion to Thrasher, reform the band and stop being geh." Spike hit the download magical attachment prompt and a glass vial of a strange clear potion appeared that shimmered and swirled with multiple colors. Twilight grabbed the potion in her magic and ran out to gather the other elements. After the first six were gathered, they found Thrasher working as a greeter for Haul-mart, wearing a green sweater-vest. "Welcome to Haul-mart. How can I help you today?", Thrasher said in an unenthusiastic tone. "Come on Thrasher!", Rainbow shouted, "We're getting the band back together!" "I-I can't.", Thrasher said, turning her head away, "I've lost the metal." "Drink this and you'll get it back!", Twilight shouted. "I don't know.", Thrasher said, "Haul-mart has a very strict no drinking on the job policy." "To Tartarus with this!", Applejack snapped. She slammed a hoof into Thrasher's face and drug her over to the housewares aisle, jamming a funnel in her mouth. "Pour it down her throat, Twi!" Twilight popped the stopper from the neck of the vial and poured the potion in the funnel. Thrasher gagged a few times as the potion slid down her throat. Spitting out the funnel, she leapt to to her hooves. "Fuck yeah!" [bleep] "Too slow Discord!" Thrasher tore the sweater-vest off and shouted, "I quit!" The seven ponies rushed out the store and to a hill where Discord was sitting on a throne made of censor bars. "Oh my lookie who's here.", he said drumming his finger together, "And it looks like you found a way to get Thrasher inebriated again. I knew that Keith Richards was nothing but trouble, but my magic doesn't work on him as he's older that time itself." A chuckle passed his lips. "How do you expect to stop me? Your instruments are back in Canterlot. Unless you plan on turning me stone with dirty looks." Thrasher sat in a meditative pose with her hooves on her thighs. "Feel the metal flow through you. Embrace the metal. Let it flow." The other six ponies sat in meditative poses and let the metal flow. Thrasher lifted a hoof and said, "Come to me Lucy." Celestia and Luna watched as the instruments levitated off the floor, then flew off to Ponyville. Thrasher caught Lucy in her hoof and the other instruments landed by the other six ponies. "What's this?!", Discord exclaimed, blinking in confusion, "Curse you Keith Richards and your immortal, magically inebriating blood!" He shook a fist angrily. Thrasher threw her guitar up into the air and it transformed into the black Trotocaster with red pentagram. Catching it in her hooves, she strummed it and the elements turned into their metal alter-egos. A banner appeared above their heads reading "Ponies Against The Machine". The band began playing as Black Magic starting growling the lyrics into the mic. Can't you see I'm easily bothered by censorship?! One step from lashing out at you! You want in, to get under my fur and call yourself righteous! Re...spect! Trot! What did you say? Re...spect! Trot! Are you talkin' to me?! Are you talkin' to me?! You're not the standard anymore! What it takes! Who I am! Where I've been all along! Be yourself by yourself by yourself! Stay away from ponies! Re...spect! Trot! What did you say?! What did you say?! Re...spect! Trot! On! You better trot on home colt! You better trot on home colt! A lesson learned in liiiiiiiiife! Known from the dawn of tiiiiiiiiime! Re...spect! Trot! On! Re...spect! Trot! On! You better trot on home chump! YOU BETTER TROT ON HOME CHUMP! Discord began throwing censor bars, multicolored pentagrams shot forth shattering them. He recoiled screaming as the pentagrams surrounded him and slowly turned to him to stone. A massive pentagram shot into the sky and erased the censorship from Equestria. The seven ponies stopped playing, wiped the sweat from their foreheads and jumped up cheering. A short time later Celestia descended from Canterlot on a chariot to pick the statue of Discord. "I hope you all learned a valuable lesson about metal.", she said smiling. "That no amount of censorship can stop it!", Twilight said excitedly. "That it's pure and beautiful.", Rarity said. "That it always makes everything twenty percent cooler!", Rainbow shouted. Thrasher staggered out of a pile of empty beer cans. "Hnfsqplrzzz.", she slurred incoherently before passing out on the ground, snoring loudly Celestia loaded the statue on her chariot. "I have to get back to Canterlot, there a two ponies who need some 'tender caressing' from Luna and I." In the royal castle, a light switched on revealing Mrs. Harshwhinny and Zesty Gourmand tied to two chairs. Celestia and Luna walked in carrying rusty chains in the hooves.