//------------------------------// // Applejack's Dilemma // Story: A Human, a Pony Princess, and a Mistake // by The Dimension Traveler //------------------------------// A Human, a Pony Princess, and a Mistake Chapter 31: Applejack's Dilemma It had all started so innocently. With the warm weather months coming to a close, the Apple Family had taken one of the dwindling opportunities of the year to go swimming in the local swimming hole. Applebloom adored swimming, even if she couldn’t yet do so without water wings. “Hey Granny, why don’t you come join us?” Bloom asked while floating in the water. The old mare had then regaled them with a story of her youth. How she had been the only Apple to nearly break a high diving record, from six stories into a pie pan. Since then Granny Smith had given up swimming all together. Applebloom thought that was kinda silly, but didn’t get the chance to think about it as Big Mac donned a shark fin and spooked her something fierce. A little later, they had all packed up and were headed back home. Applebloom still couldn’t believe that her Granny Smith had used to be a high diver. “The best in Ponyville,” Granny bragged. “Do you think I could be a high diver?” Applebloom asked. Maybe she could get her Cutie Mark in it? “Nope,” Big Mac instantly said. “Absolutely not,” Applejack agreed. “But-” “Now you hold your horse feathers little seed. I never said bein’ a high diver was a smart decision. It’s incredibly dangerous!" Granny Smith interrupted. “I know, but-” Applebloom was cut off again. “But nothin’. It is the riskiest, scariest darn fool thing I ever did do! That’s not to say I don’t wish I was still young and spry and confident, BUT let’s leave the flyin’ through the air to the Pegasai,” Granny said with a wink. Applebloom was mostly convinced, although a part of her still wished she could try high diving at least once. Then, suddenly, a whole group of injured Ponies started walking past the Apple Family. Granny and Applebloom were curious enough to follow the crowd. Applejack and Big Mac eventually gave in to their whims and followed as well. As they drew closer, the sound of music started to reach them. Soon they were in sight of a large tent. They entered the tent and soon two horribly recognizable voices called out. “Thank you one and all for your attendance! We guarantee your time here will not be spent in vain!” Called out the first voice. “In fact, we think it will prove to be the most valuable time you’ve ever spent!” Called out the other voice as the curtains went up and revealed the Flim Flam Brothers. “This should be interestin’,” Applejack growled. “Eeyup,” Big Mac agreed with contempt for the two swindling Unicorns. “Welcome one and all to the demonstration of a lifetime!” Flim announced. “A demonstration of a better life!” Flam continued. “A demonstration of a better time!” Flim followed, “And if we haven’t captured your interest just yet, by the time we finish, an unfortunate phenomenon practically guarantees that we will!” “A phenomenon? What’s that?!” Flam asked his brother. “It’s a circumstance perceptible by the sense, but in this case, it’s the simple fact that-” And then Flim broke into song about their wonderful new tonic and how it would cure all that ails you. “Saints preserve us, they’re actually selling snake oil,” Applejack turned to see Tom and Twilight had entered the tent. “Sellin’ snake oil?” Applejack asked. “It’s a term from back home. A con man used to claim his medicine was made with snake oil, which was supposed to cure all that ails you. Really what he was selling was beef fat and turpentine. Maybe the saddest part is that snake oil used to be part of Chinese folk remedies, but it was only a specific kind of snake rich in omega-3 fatty acids, which are really good for you. Well, good for humans at any rate,” Tom explained as they watched the Flim Flam Brothers “cure” a stallion in crutches. “How’d they do that?” Applejack asked. “Paid actors, which is probably the oldest trick in the snake oil selling book. I came here because I was in the market when I saw a whole bunch of ‘injured’ Ponies walking by instead of heading to the hospital. I have to say, when Twilight told me of your first encounter with these two, I thought she was exaggerating. Now I don’t think she was selling it hard enough,” Tom mused as the brothers listed off just about every sickness under the sun that their elixir could supposedly cure. “Seriously, an elixir that can make you grow old? Well, at least they aren’t claiming to be selling- wait, never mind, they are trying to claim it’s the fountain of youth,” Twilight sighed in disgust. “SOLD!” Suddenly Granny Smith shouted, waving a pile of bits in the air. “Congratulations, Granny Smith, you just made the purchase of a lifetime,” Flim smiled smoothly as he levitated a bottle of their brew to the old mare. “Are you as worried as Ah am?” Applejack asked. “Eeyup,” Big Mac replied. “If they’re selling anything like what the crooks tried to sell back home, then that’s a definite yes,” Tom responded. “Granny Smith, I don’t think you should…drink that,” Twilight’s warning came too late as the elderly mare had already started chugging the contents. “Well, here’s to hoping it’s nothing too toxic,” Tom remarked dourly. Tom grumbled something under his breath and then purchased a bottle for himself and the brain trust back at Golden Oaks to analyze. Hopefully they could bust Flim and Flam on something. The next day AJ and Big Mac were trying to explain to Applebloom that when someone’s trying to sell something that’s too good to be true, it usually is, when Granny Smith came swimming down the river. The three on the riverbank panicked, but Granny Smith ignored their rescue attempts and proved to be perfectly capable of getting out of the water on her own. The three were understandably gobsmacked. “Granny, I thought you were afraid of the water and what about your hip?!” Applebloom exclaimed. Granny waved her off, saying that thanks to Flim and Flam’s formula, she was feeling better than ever. To prove her point, she chugged another bottle and started tap dancing like a mare half her age. “When I looked at the water this mornin’ I got all the same aches and pains, but one sip of that there magic elixir and it all went away! Why, I might even get a head start on my chores!” Granny said with cheer and then dragged Big Mac off to do some apple bucking… even though the next rotation of trees wouldn’t be ready for bucking for a week yet. “Gee, it looks like that tonic works after all,” Applebloom remarked, “I wonder what’s in it.” “I think we should go find that out,” AJ and Applebloom headed to Golden Oaks to see if they had cracked the formula. “MUAHHAHAH! IGOR, FETCH ME THE SALTPETER!” “YES, MY MASTER!” "THOSE FOOLS WILL RUE THE DAY THEY CALLED ME MAD!!" “Nope,” Applejack just turned around and shut the door. Spike came out a moment later. “Don’t mind them, they’re just having too much fun playing mad scientist,” He shrugged. “All that over tryin’ to figure out what’s in that soup Flim and Flam made?” AJ asked with a raised eyebrow. “Oh, they figured out what was in it ages ago. It’s just apple juice and beet leaves. No, now they’re trying to “improve” it. Really I think they’re just having fun turning liquids different colors and sometimes having it explode,” Spike admitted. “Really? Can I join?” Applebloom asked eagerly. “No,” Applejack quickly shot her down, “Well, Ah suppose Ah can’t begrudge them too much fer wantin’ to have a little fun. If anyone needs it, it’s those three.” “Yeah, well, I better go back in to make sure they don’t burn the place down in their excitement. See ya AJ, AB,” Spike reentered the library and closed the door behind him. “So what’re we gonna do now? Iffen it’s just apple juice and beet leaves, then what can we do?” Applebloom asked her older sister. “We go get them to confess, is what,” Applejack said firmly and the duo headed to the tent Flim and Flam were using. There they discovered the Earth Pony who had been ‘cured’ of his crutches when they had been there yesterday. As soon as Applejack called out to him, he bolted and AJ and Bloom gave chase. They soon cornered him and it wasn’t hard to put together he was putting on costumes to pretend to be someone else for every show. Just as Tom had said, he was a paid actor. The sneaky stallion then pulled a lever and escaped in a cloud of steam. Applejack and Applebloom split up to catch him and AJ spotted him just as he fled into the tent. There she confronted Flim and Flam. “Well, if it isn’t our most favorite Apple!” Flim cried out upon seeing her. “What brings you back to our humble abode?” Flam inquired. The stallion, Silver Shill, hid behind Flim’s legs like a scared school filly. “You two charlatans sold my granny a bottle of apple juice and beet leaves! Now she’s off actin’ like a filly again and if she doesn’t stop she’s gonna hurt herself!” “Now, you don’t know she’s going to hurt herself, do you?” Flim asked pointedly. “Well, no, but-” “And isn’t she much happier now than she was before she took our tonic?” Flam pressed the issue. “As I understand it, your granny was a famous aqua pony,” Flim remarked. “The star of the show!” Flam agreed as he prepared to squeeze a fresh batch of tonic, “Once upon a time, that is.” “She hasn’t so much as set hoof in the water since then, am I right?” How Flim knew that Applejack didn’t know. She didn’t like that one bit. “Until today, that’s right,” She begrudgingly admitted. “So even if our tonic is nothing more than apple juice and beet leaves…” Flim trailed off as he squeezed an apple and some beet leaves into a tonic bottle. “Does it really matter if it makes your granny happy?” Flam concluded. “So now the question becomes, do you really want to be the pony who takes that happiness away?” Flim finished as Flam floated the fresh squeezed bottle over to her. Applejack just stormed out of the tent, catching Applebloom along the way. “So, what happened?” Applebloom asked as she followed her older sister. “Flim and Flam made a mighty good point and Ah ain’t happy about it one bit,” Applejack growled. “Are we gonna tell Granny what’s in the tonic?” Applebloom questioned. “Ah don’t know. Are we right to take away somethin’ that makes Granny so happy? Even if it is a lie, maybe this one is OK?” Applejack sighed heavily. She wasn’t a philosopher or super book smart like Twi and the rest. Applejack resolved to visit Golden Oaks again first thing in the morning. So it was that Applejack found herself knocking on the door of Golden Oaks and was soon let in. “Aren’t ya gonna make a remark about this here bein’ a public library?” Applejack teased in an attempt to lighten her own mood. “It’s before operating hours, so no. Hate to break it to you, but you’d need to come back in a couple of hours if you wanted to hear me repeat that gag,” Tom snarked around a yawn as he poured himself some orange juice, sacrilege that it was, “So, what brings you here at this early hour?” “What Flim and Flam are doing ain’t right, but it’s makin’ Granny so happy. What do Ah do?” Applejack asked. “Well, unless the law is different here in Equestria, the instant Granny Smith or someone else who bought the tonic files for false advertising, they’re busted. I know I can’t do so, because I bought the stuff knowing full well they were lying through their teeth. I’d have to check the laws in question, but I don’t believe you can file on Granny’s behalf unless she’s proven mentally incompetent. Of course, it’s always possible I’m talking outta my ass, so you can try to file false advertising. I’m not a lawyer. “Even if Ah can, should Ah?” Applejack wondered. “I think that’s something only you can answer. However, consider this, Granny will most likely find out the whole thing’s been a hoax sooner or later and what’ll she think when she learns you’ve been keeping it from her?” Tom shrugged as he took a swig of his orange juice. “Yer right…Ah can’t hide this from Granny. No matter how it makes her feel right now, she’ll feel worse later if Ah keep it from her. Maybe once this whole thing blows over, she’ll remember that she was able ta swim well enough under her own power!” With that in mind, Applejack headed back to the farm, where she caught her family preparing to head back to the swimming hole. “Granny, can Ah talk with you in private?” Applejack asked. “Sure thing sugar!” They walked off a little ways, “Now, what’re ya’ll so worked up about?” “Well, Granny, the thing is…that tonic you’ve been drinkin’ is a hoax. It’s nothing more than apple juice and beet leaves!” Applejack flinched away from what she was sure was going to be a very sad grandmother. “Oh Applejack…Did ya think I was born yesterday?! I was sussin’ out swindlers afore you were even a twinkle in yer mother’s eyes! Of course I can tell the taste of apple juice and beet leaves! We live on an apple farm!” Granny shouted. “But- but- the swimmin’ the hip?!” Applejack stuttered out. Granny looked a slight bit ashamed of herself. “When Bloom asked me to swim with ya’ll, I turned her down. I felt like a heel and wanted to make it right. Flim and Flam’s tonic was just a convenient excuse. Once I was back in the water, I remembered how much I loved swimmin’. After that, the lie just got a little outta hoof. I didn’t want Applebloom to think I was a grumpy old mare who wouldn’t have fun with her grandfoals,” Granny Smith confessed. “Applebloom knows the tonic’s a lie too,” Applejack informed her. Granny blinked a few times, processing this. “Well now I just feel like a fool,” Granny complained. “What’d ya say we run those Flim Flam Brothers outta town?” Applejack suggested. Granny Smith grew a predatory grin. “That sounds like a mighty fine idea,” The pair made their excuses and went to take a piece of hide out of the scheming brothers. Unfortunately, when they got to where Flim and Flam had been set up, they found only a single, empty bottle. “Aw, shoot, looks like those rapscallions got while the gettin' was good,” Granny grumbled. Applejack picked up the bottle. “Well, I somehow doubt that’s the last we’ll ever see of those two. At least we’ll always have this dumb bottle to remember them by,” Applejack joked as she slipped it under her hat. She never saw the rainbow sliding over the bottle.