//------------------------------// // Books, Jewelry, and Talking Mirrors // Story: Tinker, Tanner, Hunter, Spy // by Shamus_Aran //------------------------------// As he slowly regained consciousness, Archer made a silent vow to never black out again. He had no idea how long he’d been out this time. That morning’s kick to the face, coupled with his recent five-foot dead fall onto a solid hardwood floor, had both robbed him of any sense of time and transformed the inside of his head into a swirling vortex of pain and suffering. Reports came in from all across his body. The head felt the worst, by far, but he'd had enough of such injuries to know it wasn’t in mortal danger of falling off. He had numbness in his extremities, but that was to be expected after fainting like... well, like something that fainted in a really undignified way. His mouth was dry, his stomach was empty, and something sharp was poking at his boot. He was going to be eaten by what appeared to be a six-foot-tall dragon (of speaking age, no less!) in the near future, in the classic set of circumstances: scared, hungry, and totally alone. He slowly opened one eye. There was no dragon. Instead, an owl was perched on his boot, completely silent. “Hello, there.” “Hoo.” “I suppose you’ve got a spell somewhere that tells them when I get up, right?” “Hoo?” “The Equestrians.” “Hoo.” “I said the Eq- wait, you’re not actually saying the word ‘who,’ are you.” “Hoo.” Well, he couldn’t expect every living thing in Equestria to be able to talk. Just most of them. As Archer sat up, the owl flew off his leg, coming to rest in the rafters. “Hoo.” “Are you actually trying to talk to me, or are you just noisy?” “Hoo.” “Figures.” Archer had been laid in an actually-rather-comfortable bed, on a balcony that overlooked the rest of the library. The library was, at first blush, rather similar in layout to the town hall’s “language room,” in that it was lined with shelves upon shelves of books. However, this room was much larger, and its front door was guarded by a napping dragon. A tiny napping dragon. Oh. There was a ladder there. The runt must have been perched on it when it caught him by surprise. Well, all things considered, Archer felt very silly right about then. And on top of everything else, his knife was gone from its scabbard. He wasn’t escaping today. The library also had another door, leading into a very dark downward stairwell. Archer wouldn’t be going down there, either. He silently descended the balcony ladder, keeping an eye on the dragon every step down. There had to be some reason it hadn’t eaten him yet. What if the Equestrians kept it as a pet? That raised some pretty terrifying implications. Maybe the rest of the librarian unicorn’s “pets” were downstairs. He definitely wasn’t going down there now. Instead, he decided to pull a random book off one of the shelves and use his newfound knowledge of the Equestrian language to translate it. “Transfiguration for Dummies: A Unicorn’s Guide to Metamorphic Induction”. Wow. These guys were good. After a brief scan revealed its contents to be completely illegible (even to his supposedly encyclopedic knowledge of the tongue), Archer replaced the book and scanned for another. This one had a stylized unicorn head on the front. The inner page revealed the title to be “Historic Myths, Legends, and Fantastic Tales.” Immediately after that was a richly illustrated table of contents, with such items as “The Reign of Discord,” “Tale of Nightmare Moon,” “Invasion of the Gryphons,” and other such fruitily-named stories. He could have dropped this one, too, and gone straight for a historical volume. But years of experience with magical races had taught him better. History could be changed, but myths, legends, and fantastic tales always held the truth. So he began to read. Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria, there were two regal sisters, who ruled together and created harmony for all the land... “Ooooh.” *** “And then ah said, ‘Seriously? Like ah’m really gonna eat a muffin after that?’” The three ponies at the table broke into a round of laughter. The funniest stuff always happened to Applejack, for some reason. “Oh man, AJ, you and Berry are just a disaster waiting to happen,” chuckled one of the mares, bright cyan in color. “One of these days, one of you is going to get the other arrested.” “Yeah, ah try to get away from ‘er, Dash, but some ponies just can’t resist the cider. How else d’ya think the Apples could afford all them new renovations?” “I thought that was just the good crop this year.” The orange one glanced over with an amused smile. “Naw, Twilight, we just got one really good customer with a drinkin’ problem. Apple sales ain’t got nothin’ to do with it. Thought y’all knew that already.” Twilight stared for a few seconds. Her eyes narrowed. “Waaaait. This is another one of those sarcasm things, isn’t it?” “Gee, how’d you figure out?” Dash just started laughing harder. “You know, Applejack, I could be mean and go into excruciating detail about how I figured it out...” The other two at the table adopted expressions of sheer horror... “...But I won’t.” ...And then relief. “Instead, I wanted to show you something.” Twilight levitated a small object out of her bag, setting it down gingerly on the tabletop. ‘ “Umm, it looks like a buck knife.” Thus were Rainbow Dash’s eloquent powers of observation revealed. And in truth, it did look like a buck knife. The handle and blade were entirely unremarkable. The only items of note were two small gems embedded in the hilt, jet black in color, which seemed to be radiating a faint blue light. “I know, I thought so, too. But these gems have magic in them. And for the first time, I’m actually pretty stumped as to what it’s supposed to do.” “Well, that’s just kinda unsettlin’, ain’t it? I mean, you know pretty much everything about magic.” “Well, Archer had it on him when he came to the library. Maybe I can’t tell what it is because it’s human magic?” From the looks on their faces, Twilight could tell she had lost them. “Archer’s the human.” Still nothing. “The one who shot at Big Mac this morning?” “Oh,” was the reply from both of them. “You mean the monkey-guy whose face I kicked in?” Twilight sighed. “Yes, Dash, the monkey-guy whose face you kicked in.” “Awesome, I beat him, that means I get the knife!” “Whoa, slow down there!” Twilight floated the weapon up and out of Dash’s reach. “We don’t know what the magic in these gems can do to ponies. We don’t even know why Archer had the knife in the first place!” “Well, y’all could always hop on over to Rarity’s. She might know what’s what with those gems.” “Tried it. ‘They are two absolutely perfect specimens of Black Spinel,’ she said, and that’s all she could tell me about them.” “Well, we could always ask monkeyman what they do. He’s still holed up in the library, right?” “Yeah. He's probably either still out cold, or he won't have the nerve to try for the front door. He seemed pretty scared of Spike.” Dash snorted derisively. “Afraid? Of Spike? What crazy backwards world is he from?” “If’n I had to guess,” began Applejack, “I’d wager it was one where dragons burn down towns a lot more often than they do here. Once singed, twice shy, after all. And if I guessed right, Archer and all o’ his monkey friends musta got singed quite a lot for him to freak out like that.” “I figured as much. That’s why I left Spike guarding the door, so Archer wouldn’t run off.” “Oh man, can you imagine? Spike acting all, ‘Oooooh, I’m a big spooooky dragon,’ and monkeyman being like, ‘Aiiie, please don’t hurt me!’” “...And that’s why I took the knife.” Dash stopped laughing for a moment to consider this. “You think he was gonna try and hurt Spike?” “I think anyone who keeps this many weapons on their person is ready to hurt something. I also think I need to check in on him soon, before wakes up and tries something stupid like beating Spike to death with my copy of Balladric Tales.” There was a short silence. “Oh sweet Celestia, Spike’s about to be beaten to death with a copy of Balladric Tales! To the library, hurry!” *** When the three arrived, the library showed few signs of a struggle. A few books were misplaced here and there, and Owlowiscious was roosting in the rafters rather than his perch, but that was it. Spike was sleeping peacefully in front of the door, his head delightfully free of book-related injuries. So there were two possibilities: Either she had gotten worked up over nothing, or Archer had drugged Spike (or lulled him to sleep, or cast a charm on him) and fled. Judging from the rattling coming from inside the kitchen, she could rule out that second one. The kitchen, as if playing a near-perfect contrast to the library proper, was a scene of utter chaos. The pantry was ransacked, food was scattered everywhere, and a half-dozen attempts to create something edible lay abandoned on the stovetop. Archer, no doubt the source of this culinary carnage, was sitting at at the table with a book in one hand and a half-eaten loaf of sourdough bread in the other. “Hi there,” he said, with a mouthful of stale wheat product. “Archer... did you do all this?” “Yeah, sorry about the mess. It’s kind of crazy, how much stuff you have, that humans have too. Except you don’t have anywhere near the right ingredients to make any decent kind of meal. There wasn’t even any salt, for Pete’s sake!” Dash giggled. “What?” “Heh... You want salt on your food? Dude, do you have any idea how weird that sounds?” “Do you have any idea how weird it is to me that Equestrians mostly eat hay and grasses? It sounds totally normal to you, but where I come from, all that stuff is good for is Easter decoration and... horse food.” The three Equestrians glared at him. “Sorry, I forgot who I was talking to.” “We haven’t been properly introduced, Archer. I’m Twilight Sparkle, and-” “Pffft” “Excuse me?” “Sorry, I’m just not used to Equestrian names. Continue.” “I’m Twilight, and this,” She gestured to her orange-coated compatriot, “is Applejack.” Archer stifled another laugh. Applejack gave him the stare of doom, and he stopped. “This,” Twilight gestured to the light-blue mare on her other side, “is-” “No, no, wait. Let me guess.” Archer stood up from the table, looking the multicolored pony over. “Let’s see... six-colored mane... wings... lightning bolt mark... ‘Rainbow Sherbet?’” Apparently, he was close, otherwise Twilight and Applejack wouldn’t be laughing so hard. “Actually... it’s Rainbow Dash. We’ve met.” “Really?” “Yeah. How’s the nose?” “Not broken, thankfully eno- Wait a minute!” Archer approached Dash in a rather unfriendly fashion. “You’re the one who got me into this mess? You’re the reason I’m stuck in this library for the-crown-only-knows how long?” “Took you this long to find out?” “I’ve half a mind to clip those wings of yours, you little-” By this point, Archer had been desperately grabbing at his knife’s empty scabbard for a few seconds, and only realized now that it wasn’t there. His blood pressure returned to normal, as did the color in his face. “Or I would, if someone hadn’t made off with my knife. Miss... Twilight, was it?” “Yes?” “You wouldn’t happen to know anything about what happened to it, would you?” Twilight sighed, rubbing her forehead with one hoof. “Yes. As a matter of fact, I have it right here.” The offending article levitated into view. Archer kept his gaze fixed on it. “Are you going to return what belongs to me, or is there some stupid Fae riddle I have to solve first?” “No, you just need to answer a few questions I have about it.” “Oh, well, in that case, I’ll finish my bread.” And with that, he returned to the table as if nothing happened. Twilight gave a shrug to her friends. “I guess you guys don’t have to stick around...” “Nothing doin’, sugarcube. I wanna see what’s up with our two-legged friend here.” “Yeah, no. I’m gonna go check on Spike,” said Rainbow Dash. “Give me the abridged version later.” She flapped her wings once, then flew out of the room. Archer took a bite out of the stale loaf as the two remaining Equestrians took a seat opposite him. “So...” nom “...What would you like to know?” “First,” said Twilight, “I’d like you to tell me what this spell is on these gems. None of my friends have been able to figure it out.” “Well, that’s to be expected. It’s a specially-made Human enchantment. We call it tenebraes depellendam, and it’s made specifically so Fae creatures can’t make heads or tails of it...” *** Far away from everywhere this story has been so far, up in the mountains of Equestria, was a very grandiose city. In a funny coincidence, it was named “Canterlot,” a seeming pun on a very similarly-named human city, which, ironically, was only about a week’s travel away as the crow (or pegasus, or hot air balloon, as the case may be) flew. In that city lived a princess. Well, more like two princesses. Okay, mostly like a magical sorceress of darkness and what basically amounted to the God-Queen of Equestria, who both went by “Princess.” That was a more apt description. In the throne room of Canterlot, said God-Queen Princess held court, every day. All day. As a matter of fact, the day was her responsibility in the realm of Equestria. It began at her leisure, and she held court throughout. Usually, she would approve some project or another, sit on her throne, and look pretty for all the guards who, at this point, might as well have not even been there. Today started no differently. “Excuse me, Your Majesty.” A messenger, carrying a rather official-looking note. “A notice from the mayor of Ponyville.” Oh? That was odd. Normally, the only letters from Ponyville were sent in by Twilight. What could have caused such a ruckus that it needed to be sent by official snail-mail? She floated the letter out of the messenger’s grip, nodding him out of the room. She unfolded it, and began to read. As she scanned through the letter in its entirety, her expression changed. This was not weird in and of itself, save for the fact that any expression on Princess Celestia other than condescending happiness was cause for attention. Especially when that expression was silent annoyance, followed by angry exasperation. “Everypony leave the room. I wish to be alone.” The guards quickly vacated the room. The princess levitated a trio of mirrors off of the far wall, arranging them in front of her. She tapped the very center of one, sending its surface rippling like a pool of mercury. When the waves smoothed, a robed figure was visible in the reflection. “Welcome to the Interroyal Mirror System,” it said in a pleasant female voice. “May I ask who is calling?” “Princess Celestia, from the Equestrian Mirrors.” The figure looked at something out of its frame for a moment, then back at the princess. “Good afternoon, Your Majesty. Who would you like to contact?” “King Jove the Fifth, of the Human Kingdom of Vorlan.” Another pause. “..With out-of-realm rates, conversion to native currency, and our standard charge, the message will cost one hundred fifty bits for the first five minutes, plus twenty bits for every minute afterward. Will you accept the charges?” “Yes.” “Please hold while your party is reached.” The figure’s image faded, and the mirrors emitted what would have been a pleasant tune, had Celestia not heard it repeat ad infinitum on several occasions. Finally, the music stopped, and another image faded into view. It depicted a sitting human, bedecked in a rich green-and-tan robe. He balanced an impressively large sword on his knee, as if he were constantly expecting assassins or other such trouble. And, from what Celestia had heard of human affairs, that's precisely what he was expecting, constantly. Without a doubt, this man was of the line of Jove. She had known, and spoken to, every man he could name as his ancestor, not to mention every member of the royal line the Joves had supplanted three hundred years ago. “Greetings, Your Highness,” said the Equestrian. “Greetings to you, Your Majesty,” said the human. “To what do I owe this rare honor?” “Nothing pleasant, I am afraid. I bring ill tidings. Despite the magical barrier established between our kingdoms nearly two thousand years ago...” She held up the letter from the mayor, which contained a sketch of a lean, unkempt human, bow in hand. “...We seem to have caught another one of these. Care to explain?”