Collecting all the references Copper recommended, both directly from him and from the other sellers he recommended, ate up a goodly amount of our bits. Once we went through it all, picked something to try for (preferably something which we had some unique advantage to try collecting, something no previous archaeologists would have gotten), and outfitted an expedition, we'd probably have used up the rest of our cash reserves - and then some. If for no other reason, then the time taken to go anywhere on the railroads would require so many provisions per day - and compared to going anywhere on the Alicorn, we'd be using up a lot of days to get anywhere. I was starting to wonder if we would have to go even slower than that... by spending time working for bits on the way.
Any little trick we could come up with to stretch our finances would be worth its weight in gold; but I was starting to run short on tricks. I knew one trick that was supposed to help with coming up with new tricks - something called 'caloric vestibular stimulation' - but I'd never actually tried it, and it was supposed to have certain practical downsides, such as inducing vomiting if it worked. So before I went to that extreme, I was going to try a different meta-trick: ask someone else for ideas.
“I’ll take anything dairy-friendly.” I was back at the Hall, the bar built into a former concert hall - whose owner and main bartender I had tugged into a loose relationship with the Dairy. I was hoping that he still felt positively enough towards the Dairy to be happy to see me, but hadn't gotten so close as to be under the thumb of the Dairy's new management.
“And the pretty cow returns!" Bright Red cheerfully called back, upon seeing me. "Hows everything going for you these days?” He slid over a glass of green stuff.
I hoofed over the two bits in return. “Could be better," I shrugged. "I got pushed out of the top spot of the Dairy - now I’m more of a stringer and agent, like you. Got a few things I need to do, and don’t quite have the resources I used to have to do ‘em, so I’m scrambling a bit.”
“Ah, now that’s sad.” He started wiping down the bar. “So what can I do for you this fine day?”
“If you know a better way than continuous poker games to keep a half-dozen people of different species from throttling each other, that would be a start.” I grinned and sipped - yep, still the same minty-ish smoothie-type thing.
“I’m afraid I don’t. Poker’s what I use to keep my own crew in line. Though sometimes we do play Blackjack.”
“Not nearly complicated enough to keep this group in line. I had to really dig through my memory for a game with hole cards, face cards, and community cards, and more than one way to win. Anypony who can make sense of all that - well, there probably isn’t a poker game in Equestria they couldn’t handle.”
“Then they’ve never played cards with Ren." He frowned. "I swear the old bastards cheating.” A quick shrug, and then back to his usual grin.
“Hm - I’ve got enough going on in my life that I don’t need to add that level of complication amongst my... well, ‘friends’ may be pushing it. What species is this ‘Ren’? Maybe he can just see something about the cards everyone else misses, or smell ‘em, or something like that.”
“Well he’s usually half drunk when we play, but maybe Bast have a higher tolerance than others. Though considering how poorly Jack holds his vodka, I’d doubt that highly.”
I sipped to stall for a moment, while I thought about that - 'Bastet' was, of course, the Egyptian cat-goddess, so if the word had any parallel here... “‘Bast’... would that be some sort of feline?”
Bright raised an eyebrow. “You’ve heard of them?”
I didn't want to give away my extra-Equestrian knowledge, so I hedged. “Let’s just say I’m in the middle of some multi-species archaeology, and have come across the term, if not any live members.”
He was silent for a few moments, then, in a barely audible whisper, said, “So you are one of them...”
His guess was getting a bit close for comfort - so I diverted him, by raising my brow, then huffing out a quick laugh. “I know who you mean. I’m just a cow - I investigate them.”
“Ah. Makes much more sense.”
He was still looking at me as if he wasn't quite sure about me, so I pushed the line a bit further. “So - have you come across any of ‘them’, and passed word along through the network, yet?”, referring to the Dairy.
“Yes on the first part, no on the second.” His smile faded. “I’m not going to incriminate someone unless I know exactly what I’m getting them into.”
“That’s kind of avoiding doing what I tried hiring you to do," I snarked, then reconsidered. "But, as it happens, actually works out for the best, what with me not in the middle of things anymore. At the moment, I’d suggest that you use the Dairy, if you need to - but don’t necessarily trust it.”
“So business as usual then. Alright.” I tipped my glass to him in agreement, with a smile. “So, if I were to introduce you to one of ‘them,’ what exactly would happen to the ‘them’ in question?”
I had a standard answer for that by now. “Right now - if they posed a danger to the ponies around them, I’d take care of the threat. Otherwise - I’d see if they were willing to help protect others from similar threats, or had any useful information, skills, or objects to offer, and see if I could offer them anything they needed in return.”
He slowly nodded. “Well, he’s more a danger to himself than those around him. If you were interested, I think I can arrange something.”
I pursed my lips. “I do seem to have some time on my hooves, while I try to work out some decent transportation - and the rest of my group’s looking into that. So I can’t think of any reason not to.”
His smile widened. “Oh, he’ll love this.” He reached under the bar and pulled out a key. When he pushed it across the bar, I saw it had a '3' on it. He hooked his hoof to point up. “Third balcony at the top of the stairs. I’ll send him up.”
I was leaning over the balcony’s edge, looking down at the floor and sipping my smoothie, or whatever it was. Were those hints of clover? I couldn't quite tell - for all I knew, someone had just dumped a bunch of grass into a blender, so fine - it was a 'green'.
“Nice view, isn’t it?” The cat-man stared curiously at me - or perhaps my dark suit.
“Makes me curious what it looked like when the stage was the main attraction,” I agreed.
“Well we do have concerts every Saturday, but it’s rarely classical these days.” He sat down at the table. “So...you wanted to talk to me?”
I shifted from railing to join him at the table. “Perhaps.” I looked up and down at him. “I understand your species is called ‘Bast’?”
“Yeah. Interesting story behind that. The name had been lost for an eternity, then out of the blue someone drops it in our lap about a month ago.” He smiled.
“There seem to be a lot of occurrences of that sort of thing lately - somepony strange shows up, knowing strange things, unfamiliar with Equestrian culture, using a particular odd dialect...”
His grin disappeared. “So that’s what you want to talk about.”
“To start with.” I pulled out my 'Royal Inspector' badge, and showed it to him. “Right now, I’d like to know more about you, if you’re willing to discuss such things.”
He didn't answer for a moment. Then, “Why not? Everyone who works here knows, I don’t see the problem if a cow in a suit finds out.”
After I pocketed the badge, “To start with - just to confirm your origin, there’s at least a few facts that seem to be commonly known amongst that group. How about... Mini Mouse is somepony’s marefriend - do you know her coltfriend’s name?”
“Mickey, but he’s not a colt. And honestly, I always liked the Looney Toons more.”
“Well - that definitely confirms you’ve at least had contact with some of them, and most likely are one.”
“Contact...yeah, you could say that.”
“Now that you are here in Equestria, the most important thing I would like to know about you is simple. What are your intentions? Are you working toward some particular goal, or is this waitering job what you’re happy with?”
He shrugged “It’s a good job. The pays steady, I get free food, and it’s always entertaining, despite them finding out about my...unfortunate nickname.”
“Should I ask?”
“Do you honestly think I’d tell you?”
The two of us continued talking about this and that.
He said, “Actually, I didn’t want to sing at all. But they have this tradition where everyone who works here has to be musically inclined. It was either get on stage or get out.”
I hmed. “I wouldn’t want a job, then - I’ve just started learning just how powerful music can be. I’ve sworn off love songs entirely.”
“No love songs? In Equestria? Doesn’t seem right for some reason.”
“Have you ever seen someone dosed on love potion? It’s not pretty, when free will gets thrown out the window. Music... isn’t the same sort of magic - but it can still be magical. If you loved somepony, wouldn’t you want to be sure you loved them?”
“Well if they got me to sing love songs out of nowhere, I’d think something was up.”
As if it were some sort of pass-phrase, he asked, “Do you like... bananas?”
I tried to think of some cultural referent for what that might be, but came up blank. The closest I could think of was... well, any one of a bunch of songs. Almost without realizing what I was doing, I took a breath, and started in on the chorus:
Do you want a banana?
Peel it down and go mm mm mm mm
Do you want a banana?
Dis banana for you
He looked surprised. “That...wasn’t half bad actually.” He spent a moment in thought. “Would you be willing to do that in front of a crowd?”
“Done it before, will probably do it again.”
As we went down the stairs, I tried to think of a decent song to pick... but was distracted, as I realized that back on Earth, while I quite enjoyed listening to a few genres - my voice was never particularly memorable. Was my ability to actually perform the tunes I remembered part of my having been stuck in a cow's body? Was it something to do with how music operated in this universe? Was I missing something that should be entirely obvious?
I suddenly noticed that I was standing on the stage in front of a whole barful of expectant-looking ponies, dogs, and other species. Remembering that mob in Manhattan, I took a deep breath, and started in on the most innocuous song that came to my mind in that split-second.
Oo-oh... I'm Peanut Butter and you are Jelly,
And we're so happy on our little piece of bread.
I remember the first time that I saw you
sitting 'cross the cupboard with your other jelly friends.
And you're so sweet, and I am chunky.
You're low fat -well I'm working on that.
'Cause I'm Peanut Butter and you are Jelly,
and we're so happy on our little piece of bread.
I met Grape, and Strawberry,
but you're Raspberry, and that's my favorite kind.
Please forgive me for my stint with Honey.
I looked on the label and not at what was inside.
But you're so sweet, and I am chunky.
You're low fat -well I'm working on that.
'Cause I'm Peanut Butter and you are Jelly,
and we're so happy on our little piece of bread.
I'm so glad that I discovered you in the cupboard.
I hope you're glad too.
From now on, we'll be stuck together.
But what could be better than being stuck with you?
'Cause you're so sweet, and I am chunky.
You're low fat -well I'm working on that.
'Cause I'm Peanut Butter and you are Jelly,
and we're so happy on our little piece of bread
We're so happy on our little piece of bread (stuck together)
We're so happy on our little piece of bread (squished together)
We're so happy on our little piece of bread:
Peanut Butter and Raspberry Jelly!
As I delicately stepped back down to floor-level, my new feline friend looked like his eyes were about to pop. “What the hell was that? How did everyone know the words? When did you choreography that dance? And how in all the plains of hell did you get a bunch of drunken people of varying species to sing in perfect harmony?”
I couldn't resist answering, with a completely straight face, “Magic.”
“Magic,” he repeated. He was silent for a few moments. “Well, I’ve heard worse explanations for weirder things.” Suddenly, his eyes widened again. “I thought you said no love songs?”
I facehoofed. “Didn’t even realize it was one, until now.” If I wanted to make sure my emotions were my own - was I going to have to go even further, come up with a list of 'safe' songs, and stick to just them, no matter what?
“Just out of curiosity, were you thinking of anyone before you started singing?”
“Well... we were talking about love songs, and I do have a certain marefriend who I’ve sang a few duets with...”
“Wouldn’t it make sense if thinking about your marefriend caused you to sing a love song? And that would mean that the first time you sang was probably just an expression of what you were feeling rather than causing the feeling itself.”
“I hope you’re right. The hard part is figuring out whether or not you are right.” Cheerilee was pretty close to raspberry-colored...
I sighed. “Politics are just plain annoying - office politics doubly so. A month ago I had access to a lovely airship - this week, I’ve been downgraded to using the railroad - right before I have to travel practically the whole way across Equestria. I don’t suppose you might happen to know of any available methods of rapid transport?”
“Well...no, I don’t. You might be able to hire a group of griffins to fly you or something, but other than that I got nothing. Bright might know.”
“Can’t hurt for me to ask him.”
I placed a deck of cards on the table. “Here, have these. Don’t shuffle ‘em until you’ve read the instructions - if you ever want to get in touch with us, to let us know something important or if you suddenly need help, the order these cards are in right now is a sort of signature.”
Bright raised an eyebrow. “I’ll keep that in mind. Wonderful song by the way. Usually these people are so smashed they can’t put two words together, let alone carry a tune. If the Dairy doesn’t work out, you’ll always have a place here.”
"Thanks, I think. But for the moment - I'm looking for creative solutions to my transportation problem. Jack said you might have an idea?"
He tapped his chin with a hoof. "Well - as it happens, there's something that comes to mind, though I'm not sure if you can actually get to it, let alone use it..."
(Author's Note: This chapter is a crossover with Fordregha's story, Through Feline Eyes.)