*Starlight’s POV, first-person*
I found myself back in my hometown, a small town named “Sire’s Hollow.“ It’s far from Ponyville, yet I barely remembered how I got here. Knew why, though, and it was also why my heart was beating faster than ever.
Before me was my former home; I stood motionless in front of the steps to its front door, staring up at the door. I had faced the fears that plagued me for years that I might be rejected or abandoned by other ponies. I had atoned for my mistakes by saving my friends from Queen Chrysalis. At one point, I was even prepared to sacrifice myself for them if need be.
In short, I had never felt so good about myself. I wasn’t a worthless little filly anymore.
Even so, knowing my mom and dad were in the house towering over me, all of the progress I've made felt meaningless. Was coming back a bad idea? They didn’t care about me.
The answer was simple. Just like anypony, I wanted my parents' love and approval. If I didn’t face them, I wouldn’t be able to say I got over my past. It would tug on my mind like an itch that was never scratched for sweet relief. Even if it's not easy to scratch with hooves.
Too bad knowing I needed to do this failed to make it any easier to march up those steps. It’s not like I could knock on the door with magic...or could I? Questions for later.
I willed my hooves to walk up the steps before me -- at least it was a short stairway -- and reached my hoof toward the door. I was doing it. Or was, before the door suddenly felt larger and more formidable, forcing an unbearable rush of nerves to stop my hoof right before it touched that door. How my hoof started shaking told me that this would be even harder than I thought. Maybe I should just go back to Ponyville.
No, Starlight, don't run away. You have to do this. You’re not nothing.
After how far I have come, I couldn't just flee. After a very, very deep breath to both calm my mind and hoof, I again reached out my now-un-shaking hoof and tapped on the unusually forbidding door. It was the hardest my nerves would let me knock, despite that previous deep breath. Then I waited. And waited.
And waited.
How could it take so long to get to the door?!
The door finally cracked open. In front of me was one of the two ponies I wasn't sure I would ever see again.
My mom.
She was about my size and height, yet she felt twice as big, and her frown and scowl killed most of the strength I was feeling. Her mane was dark-blue, and its style was much like my old one: her horn divided the part of her mane over her forehead into two “bangs" -- what Sam calls them -- but more of her mane also ran down her neck. Her coat color was pink, though slightly paler than Pinkie’s, but the chilling feeling she emitted felt NOTHING like the friendliness Pinkie radiates. The glare in her piercing blue eyes worsened the feeling. I wasn’t in physical danger, but I still stepped back. Barely noticed the sweat running on my forehead.
“Who are you?” my mom asked in an icy voice that chilled my insides, forcing shivers out of me.
I gulped, collected my courage, and answered, “I-It’s me, Starlight...your daughter.”
My mom’s scowl deepened, making my already fast-beating heart skip some beats. “Oh, it’s you. So, you’re back to tell us about something you stressed out about?”
I thought returning might be bad, but not this awful. This was already looking to be a mistake. “N-No! It’s not about that!" I don't know why I felt the need to rub the porch with a hoof, because it wouldn't help calm me down. Not that it helps much anyway. "I-I just wanted to see you and--”
“Who’s that at the door?” a male voice from deeper in the house asked. I couldn’t yet see who it was, but I already knew. Just haven't heard it in years.
“It’s Starlight,” my mom answered, though she kept her icy eyes on me.
“Starlight?”
My mom moved to the side. The living room was the same as I remembered. Two chairs were side by side, with just enough space between them to walk between. A chandelier hung from the ceiling; a square table was in the center of the room with a pink teacup on it. My mom always loved tea, and her Cutie Mark was even of three white teacups.
But what grabbed most of my attention was the purple stallion walking toward us.
He was my dad. Like my mom, he felt to be twice as big and was scowling, but his scowl didn't feel as intense. He had a striped mane of a lighter and darker shade of aquamarine. Unlike my mom's mane, his wasn’t in two “bangs”, but part of it curled over itself close to his horn; my mane does a similar thing, but the curl in my mane is larger.
This was no time to wonder if I subconsciously meant to choose a mane style similar to his when I restyled my mane. Shook my head to snap out of the frozen state I found myself in. “H-Hi, Dad. I’m back.”
“I see,” he answered in a calm, but serious voice. Couldn’t tell if he was hiding anger or not. My dad was good at remaining calm and poised when mad, which made even his calm voice oddly unnerving.
“It’s...been a while, hasn’t it?” I asked.
“Since you left and never reached out to us since?” my dad asked. This time I felt some anger bubbling in his voice.
“W-Well, I guess you could say that, but I’ve done a lot--”
My mom interrupted, “A lot more panicking?” My mind must have been playing tricks on me, because she felt even bigger than before.
“No...well, maybe a little, but I’ve done a lot more than that!”
My mom huffed while turning her head away dismissively. “Well, it’s too bad you didn’t come back to tell us already. You were always quick to whine that something was wrong with you.”
“Did you not return because you think there's something wrong with your mother and me?” It felt like my dad grew larger too, but my mom still felt bigger. My mom was always the more intimidating one between the two.
It took all I had to not lay on my stomach in submission. “N-No, it’s not like that! I don’t think you’re--”
Both my mom and dad leaned toward me with the angriest glares yet. It was like a spell sealed my lips shut.
They both said in unison, “And now you’re not just complaining, you’re lying to us. You might have well stayed away. If we are nothing to you, then you are nothing to us, just like you always were.”
The door slammed in my face. What happened? This just couldn’t be. Not only did my parents think I was nothing, now they simply hated me. Its pain tore my heart into pieces, which might as well be done physically because it hurt.
“No! Mom, Dad, come back! I’m not nothing, and I don't think you are either! I promise!” I banged on that door with all my might, continuing to plead for them to open the door. My vision even became blurry from my tears.
I begged as loud as I could, but it was clear that they wouldn’t open the door again, so I stopped banging on it, even if my tears wouldn’t stop pouring down my face. What in the tartarus was I thinking? What made me even try this? “Mom, Dad, I...I was just...no! This can’t be happening!”
“You are correct, Starlight Glimmer,” a new feminine voice called out.
I spun around and looked at one spot to another. Didn’t see anything different. Just my parents’ yard and the houses beside and in front of their house. But that changed when the light-blue daytime sky darkened into dark-purple, and numerous different color dots -- stars -- lit up throughout the sky. It's not that I've never gazed at the sky at night, but it looked especially breathtaking this time. The sun was replaced by the moon.
Added to the voice I had heard, how the area was now darker didn’t scare me. Just the opposite: I felt relieved.
A circular portal appeared in the middle of my parents’ yard. A majestic blue alicorn stepped out of it, almost like an angel.
She was Princess Luna.
“Princess Luna? Is that you?”
I really don’t know why I asked if it was her. Who else could she have been?
Princess Luna gently nodded her head, wearing a soothing smile that felt capable of easing even the worst wars in Equestria’s history. I'm also glad she didn’t choose to point out how silly my question was.
I gave a deep, relief-filled breath. “Oh, it was just a nightmare. That didn’t happen.”
She walked to me until she was right in front of the staircase of my parents’ home, even if this was a dream version of the place; I walked down them to meet her.
“It did not, but to have a nightmare about it now, I believe it shows that you are close to facing them for real.”
“Really? Why do you think that?”
“Before this night, I suspect that you did not suffer this kind of nightmare since I had returned from the moon, because you were too terrified of potential friends rejecting you. Now that you have conquered the fear that your friends might abandon you, your oldest, deepest fear -- fear that your parents think you are nothing -- is bubbling to the surface.” Luna reached her wing to me to lay its edge on my cheek. It felt particularly soft and comforting. “In other words, your subconscious not only wants to, but it has also begun the battle of facing that fear. This is why you are here.”
Was she right? I thought nightmares were always about things you didn’t want to do, but I’m not a dream expert. “I...guess you’re right. I really do want to see my parents again someday, but...how? Just thinking about them makes me feel like I’m not important, nothing. Plus, even if I’m dreaming, my ‘dad’ was right about how I never tried to reach out since I left home. What if that made them hate me?”
Luna raised her head and laid a hoof under her jaw. “Perhaps you could share with me an experience you went through with your parents. Then, I might be able to help think of a solution.”
“But since we’re already in my subconscious, can’t you just see what my memories are with your powers?”
“I can see ponies’ dreams and enter them, yes, but it is a very different power from reading minds. Mind-reading is beyond even my abilities.”
I gave a deep sigh. I didn’t think her powers worked that way, but I was just hoping I wouldn’t have to say those memories out loud if possible. “Okay. I’ll tell you about when…”
*flashback, third-person*
A young filly, Starlight Glimmer, sat on her bed in her bedroom, frowning at a blue rubber ball lying in front of her. She had two short pig-tails that stuck in the air. Her horn split the part of her mane over her brow into two halves.
The room wasn’t anything special size-wise. Moonlight penetrated a window to shine near a red kite lying on the floor. A picture of Starlight and Sunburst -- an amber-colored unicorn colt -- both smiling and with their forelegs wrapped around each other’s necks, sat on a dresser by a wall opposite the room's door. A box holding the board game Dragon Pit lay beside the picture.
“Go up! Go up! Please go up and stay up this time!” Starlight gritted her teeth, her horn glowed, and she moaned from the strain. The blue ball in the center of her view levitated into the air while surrounded in turquoise magic. A smile curled on Starlight’s hope-filled lips. This time, she would maintain her grip for longer than two seconds -- no, longer than five seconds.
Alas, after a mere second, the ball wobbled. It stubbornly fell back to the bed prior to Starlight's horn ceasing its glow. Her ball weakly bounced on the bed one time, almost like it was laughing at her failure.
Starlight moaned, falling backward onto her back, and facehoofed with the hooves of both her forelegs. “No! Why can’t I do this?!” Starlight’s frustrated frown quivered. Her formerly scowling eyes watered. “All the foals I know can, so why can’t I? Is...is…?”
Starlight had tried this action many times, but no matter how much effort she gave, she couldn’t levitate her ball -- or anything -- for more than two seconds at best without Sunburst’s coaching. What was wrong? A filly Starlight’s age should be able to levitate small objects in the air for much longer than a couple of seconds, without assistance, by now. Was there something wrong with her? Could it be why she still didn’t receive her Cutie Mark?
She told herself that she was not nothing over and over in her head, but her doubt-filled brain declined the words. If she truly weren’t worthless, she would have held up that ball, just like the other unicorn foals her age did. She gave it her all, so if her best wasn’t good enough, was she worthless after all? Was that why he...
Maybe her parents would say something that would assure her of her worth. This time.
Starlight rolled off her bed and out her room's open doorway. Despite it being her home, the house’s short hallway often felt unwelcoming when self-doubt plagued her mind. Or rather, the house itself felt that way, and the blue-coated walls felt cruelly fitting. Upon reaching her parents’ half-open bedroom door, Starlight peeked her head inside.
In the room, under the white covers of their beds, lay two unicorns, facing the opposite direction as Starlight. One was a purple stallion with a striped mane of a lighter and darker shade of aquamarine. His name was Firelight Glimmer.
The other was Starshine Glimmer, a pink mare with a dark-blue mane.
The pair were, of course, Starlight’s mother and father.
White sheets covered the room’s windows, blocking out the curious moonlight. A large yellow kite, which belonged to Firelight, hung high on a wall. It was the first kite Starlight had ever flown and is still her favorite one to fly. Starlight's dad at least taught her the joys of kites, even if he (or Starshine) rarely gave their only foal what she needed the most: a feeling that she was worth something and wasn’t alone.
Firelight lifted and turned his head to Starlight and asked, “Starlight? What’s wrong?”
Starlight meekly crept forward. “Dad, I still can’t hold my ball in the air with my magic. I’ve been trying so hard, but--”
Starshine groaned, but kept her head on her pillow. “This again? We keep telling you that you will do it in time. Just have patience.”
“But even the foals that try half as hard as me can do it, but I still can’t without Sunburst’s help! What if something’s wrong with how I use magic?”
Firelight let out a deep sigh. Maybe he was understanding Starlight’s plight, for once? “Starlight, listen to me. You stress out and panic over everything, but you really need to stop it.”
Starlight inched deeper into the room, her eyes pleading for understanding and comfort. “But I always mess things up, and I can’t even use magic right! Why is it only me that this happens too? Am I any go--”
Starshine lifted her head from her pillow to swing her head to Starlight. Her frown and scowling eyes screamed far more frustration than what Firelight's frown showed. “Well, maybe it’s because the other foals know not to worry over every little thing they do.”
“Your mother’s right. Now, Starlight, enough of this. Please go back to bed and go to sleep.”
A burst of desperation implored Starlight to inch toward her parents' bed. Her mouth quivered. “But, Mom, Dad, I--”
“YOUR DAD SAID GO TO BED!” her mom roared, her face bearing an even sharper glare than before.
“Eep!” Starlight’s eyes shrank to little dots as she jumped in the air. “Okay!”
With tears welling in her eyes (which her parents failed to see) and her head leaning close to the floor, Starlight moped back down the even lonelier-feeling hallways. It was true that she was prone to stressing out and could be a little clumsy with her hooves. Even so, Starlight was also a good, friendly filly that never caused trouble. She always did what she was told and almost never talked back, save for a temper tantrum or two that all foals have once in a while.
So, why didn’t her own parents care about how scared and worried she felt? She didn’t need to become a skilled spellcaster overnight, but just needed to know that nothing was wrong with her and was loved. Even a mere hug would have helped assure Starlight of the fact.
Starlight went into her bedroom and walked across the room to her dresser, each step full of emotional anguish. She stared longingly at the picture of her and Sunburst, tears flooding down her cheeks and to the floor. The loneliest frown Starlight had ever worn was all but permanently locked on her lips.
“Why did you leave me behind, Sunburst? I need you. Do…*sniff*...even you think I’m nothing?"
Starlight walked to her bed, sniffling as she did, and climbed on, laying her head on her pillow. Its comfort was scarcely noticeable. She needed a friend and had given thoughts on making another one so she wouldn't be alone.
Unfortunately, if even her closest, most trusted friend would leave her, why wouldn't another friend do it? What would stop a Cutie Mark from repeating the cycle, shattering her already-broken heart even more? It was a thought that was almost as horrifying as death.
“Why…*sniff*...why couldn’t I have gotten my Cutie Mark with Sunburst? If…*sniff*...if ponies couldn't get them at all, I wouldn’t be alone...*sniff*...nopony would…”
*Starlight’s POV, first-person*
“...then I cried myself to sleep. That was when I started to hate Cutie Marks.” Tears collected in my eyes and I gritted my teeth from the horrible feelings from back then. I don’t know why I didn’t break down and cry. Must be part of my new strength. Still, my heart was as broken as ever when it came to how my parents treated me.
“I see.” Luna laid her hoof on a cheek. Didn’t expect my words to have as much of an impact as they did. “Feeling like you are not cared about can be cruel for even the strongest ponies, let alone a young foal.”
“And that was only one of the times they made me feel like they didn’t care about me, but it was just the worst one.” Princess Luna was understanding, but I still couldn’t resist sighing and looked to the ground. “It was also the first time it happened after Sunburst left to Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. I don't think my mom and dad hated or regretted having me, but...it was terrible.”
“Tis’ quite the predicament.” Luna looked toward the sky. Was this a dilemma even she wasn’t sure how to solve? When she lowered her face to look at me again, I braced myself to find out. “Well, while you may never fully heal unless you see your parents again and tell them how you feel, you should not force yourself if you are not ready. However, I have an idea for a different course of action if you would like to hear it.”
I leaned forward, my cheeks already hurting from the smile that popped on my lips. “I do! Uh, that is, please tell me.” I leaned my head back. I'm sure my face was red after that little outburst.
“I take it that you are interested?” Luna asked with a little chuckle. Would Sam have thought it was cute? “Now, this may not be easy either, but perhaps you could reunite with Sunburst first?”
The air I inhaled from the gasp I did almost hurt my lungs, and it might have if I wasn’t dreaming. I definitely didn't expect Luna to make that suggestion. “What?! Sunburst?”
Luna’s already warm smile grew even warmer. “Yes. You and he were very close, correct?”
I nodded. “We were. We had so much in common and he was always there for me...until he left.”
”Hmm. I wonder, are you afraid to see him again because you are worried that he thought you were nothing?”
That was something I wondered -- and worried -- about. He always told me I was important, but could it have been a lie to make me feel better?
“Maybe. He never acted like he might have, but why didn’t I hear from him again? Why didn’t he answer any of my letters?”
“Perhaps they went to the wrong address?”
I closed my eyes to think back to when I wrote them. It was a long time ago, so it was next to impossible to know for certain. “Uhh...I don’t think so, but it wasn’t like I was a stranger to making mistakes even as a filly.”
“Speaking of mistakes, you may be surprised at the mistake you made already.”
“A mistake? What is it?! What did I do wrong?!” Maybe I can’t feel pain, but I still felt my heart speed up its pumping.
Luna laid a hoof on my cheek. The comforting look in her eyes went up as she touched my cheek. “At ease, Starlight Glimmer. Tis’ not that type of a mistake. The mistake is that you forgot you are not alone.” Luna pointed a hoof on my cheek at me to my neck. “You are not even wearing your ‘good luck charm’ that you said you call it.”
I gasped and looked down, touching my neck with a hoof. Didn’t feel my collar. As a pony, it feels a little weird to say that, but the collar I like to wear now wasn’t a “collar” but something else. It was even more than a good luck charm. What “it” is, I can’t put my hoof on it, but it’s...something.
“If you were to face your parents in earnest, you would be wearing it and have your friends by your side, correct?”
“I would.” For the first time in this dream, I smiled and even giggled. “Guess I’m still getting used to having friends again.”
“Well, I can most definitely relate to both that and to struggling to overcome dark pasts. I am sure you remember what happened when I took the final step in conquering my own demons a few months ago.”
How could I have forgotten that dream battle to end all dream battles? The situation was no laughing matter, but it was funny seeing Big Mac turn himself into an alicorn. “Oh, I remember. Hopefully, we won’t have to do ‘shared dream’ fights again.”
“Hopefully so,” Luna agreed with a chuckle. Her smile faded and she added, “Still, even if you decide to wait a while longer before seeing even Sunburst, I suggest talking to Sam, Twilight, and your other friends about these feelings you are having. They might have some ideas of their own. I may fight nightmares, but they surpass me when it comes to friendship.”
“Okay, I will. Thank you, Princess Luna.”
Luna turned around and walked toward a portal she just created. Right before she entered it, she stopped and looked back at me. “Remember these words well: even if you were alone in the past, you are not alone now, and that there is nothing wrong with you. You may not be perfect, but you are a wonderful pony and friend.”
“I won't forget again, I promise.”
Luna walked through her portal and it closed behind her. It’s weird to wonder “what now” in a dream. Since I was aware of it, I didn’t consider trying when Big Mac did, but I thought it would be fun to make myself become an alicorn.
Why not?
I willed myself to grow alicorn wings, and it worked! I even spread them out in a pose. Too bad Sam and Twilight couldn’t see me as Princess Starlight Glimmer.
But right before I could take to the air with my huge, mighty wings, everything became fuzzy.
Next thing I knew, I was in my bed, under the blanket. I checked myself to see, but my wings were gone. Being an alicorn was fun while it lasted, even if it only lasted a few seconds AND in a dream. The moonlight shining through a window told me that it would be a while before I told Sam and the others about what Luna advised me to do.
I doubt my friends would appreciate being woken up at night just to hear that I’m ready to reunite with Sunburst again. Even if it took me over ten months since I first met Sam and Twilight to do it.