Dear Bright Beam,
Well I truly hate to do this, I mean I really do. I absolutely hate to have to ask you of a favor but as you probably know, I wound up losing my mane and tail when my acquaintances and I had to go and retrieve those necklaces from the Everfree Forest. Twilight brought this up so she probably knows things that I don't, things such as you knowing mane and tail magic.
I am wondering if you would use your magic to restore them. I look downright hideous and there is no way in Equestria, even with a seduction spell, that I could get any mare to join me in bed. Diamond Tiara thinks I look awful and I know Bunny Tracks is turned off to me. Please help me out. If you do, I'll even be nice to Twibitch and Starbitch. Let me know though, ok?
Hoping You'll Help Me,
Luster Dawn
Dear Luster,
Am I reading this right? You are actually asking me for help when you have constantly thought that you are better than me? Now normally I wouldn't even consider this but I will help you with this. You will however need to provide me with your parents' address because I need to know who to send the bill to since chances are you won't have the funds I will be expecting for this.
Now get your flank over here upon receiving this letter and I'll see what I can do.
Sincerely,
Bright Beam
The Next Day
Dear Bright Beam,
I must say, you did a perfect job! My mane and tail look exactly like they used to! I know you had to use extra magic to style and color it so it wouldn't be the same gray color as yours. I do want to apologize for being such a bitch for a while. I was just concerned that you weren't going to make my mane and tail all sexy like they used to be.
Happy,
Luster Dawn
P.S. Why must you send a bill to my parents? Can't you do this out of the goodness of your heart? I know Twilight is greedy when it comes to the fines involving that Cheese idiot but billing ponies over the smallest things? That just ain't right. I've heard about how Celestia would do that and you really don't want to be like her do you? Anyway, please don't bill them. I don't want them to be mad at me.
Dear Luster,
Look, mane and tail magic is very complex and I had to do some studying that took away from my spa time and Aloe and Lotus are not very happy with me right now. They know I have a job but fixing your mane and tail is not part of it. Look, unless you can pay me upfront, I'm billing them. Nothing in life is free and you really need to understand that.
Ready to Bill Your Parents,
Bright Beam
Purse Strings and Money Bags,
Hi, this is Bright Beam. I am the protege of Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer and here recently your daughter, Luster Dawn, had her mane and tail ripped out during a confrontation with an Ursa Major. Now I'm sure you all know that mane and tail magic is rather tricky but I managed to get her mane and tail restored, including its colors and style.
However, like all things in life, this is not free. Now Luster did not have the money to pay me so I told her I would bill you for this. Here are the following charges.
Mane restoration.............................................................. 1,032.75 bits
Mane color (double).......................................................... 955.61 bits
Mane styling....................................................................... 336.20 bits
Tail restoration................................................................... 994.30 bits
Tail color (double).............................................................. 955.61 bits
Subtotal............................................................................... 4,274.47 bits
Inconvenience fee 1 (made me miss spa time, 11%)..... 470.19 bits
Putting up with Luster's bitching fee, 15.75%................. 673.22 bits
Postage for mailing this letter........................................... 1.00 bit
Total....................................................................................... 5,418.88 bits
Now granted that I only accept cash, it will be easier for me to round this up to 5,419 bits. Now payment is due within 7 days upon receiving this letter. Failure to pay will result in me turning this over to my mentor, Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer and I know you will have to pay a whole lot more if I do that so pay up, got it!
Sincerely,
Bright Beam
Bright Beam,
What the fuck? We have to pay you over 5,400 bits just because our daughter lost her mane and tail and you had to miss spa time? We would think that with you being Starlight's protege that there would be some sort of law forbidding you from making a profit off of such a thing. We refuse to pay this unjust bill. You are just as greedy as Princess Celestia was yet you are not royalty so you can't make us pay anything.
Refusing to Pay,
Money Bags and Purse Strings
Dear Starlight,
Well as you know, I recently restored Luster's mane and tail and of course things like that are not cheap so I billed her parents. They are however, refusing to pay the 5,419 bits that they owe me so I figured I'd let you know about this. I know you can threaten them into paying me for the services I rendered to their daughter. After all, nothing in life is free, right?
Sincerely,
Bright Beam
Dear Bright Beam,
Don't worry, I'll see to it that they pay you what they owe you and then some! I am not about to allow my protege to get cheated out of what is owed to you. Hopefully within a week you will have that money in your hands.
Sincerely,
Starlight
Dear Money Bags and Purse Strings,
It has come to my attention that you owe my protege a decent sum of money over the services she rendered to your daughter. She let me know that you owe her 5,419 bits. Now I am not thrilled that you would try to cheat her and I will see to it that you pay her. Now I am going to be coming over tomorrow and not only will you hand over what you owe Bright Beam but extra penalties will be added.
Because of your inconveniencing her by making her wait, the total you owe Bright Beam has been increased to 6,000 bits AND for inconveniencing me, an additional 100,000 bit fine will be assessed. When I arrive, we will be going to your bank so they can issue a cashier's check in the amount of 106,000 bits payable to Bright Beam. Nopony gets away with trying to cheat the pony that is like the daughter I never had, NOPONY! Failure to comply will result in seizure of all your assets and a thousand years in Tartarus. You have a pleasant day!
Ready to Take Your Money,
Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer
To a Horrible, Incestuous Thieving Bitch,
What the fuck? Not only do we have to pay your protege but you're tacking on all sorts of penalties just so your precious wannabe daughter can have even more money? Are you doing this because you want Bright Beam to outshine our daughter economically too? Look, from what our daughter has told us, Bright Beam already gets paid big bucks to run that friendship school while our daughter has to live off of whatever Twibitch provides for her, which is next to nothing.
Well we suppose we will pay this but this will be the only time. We are not about to allow what happened to Night Light and Twilight Velvet happen to us. We refuse to be the government's, or in this case Bright Beam's, ATM. Take your pleasant day wishes and shove them up your ass while you're fucking your sister.
Unhappy We Have to Pay You,
Money Bags and Purse Strings
Four Days Later
Dear Bright Beam,
Well I was able to get you what you are owed. Enclosed in this letter is a cashier's check for 106,000 bits payable to you from Luster's parents. I swear, they were so pissed when I made them get a cashier's check for that much to send to you! Oh well, they're rich snobs and probably won't even notice it is missing. I do have some advice though, if she asks for more help in the future, do it! Do it and then bill her parents so I can continue to drain their bank accounts and make you richer!
Now what you do with the money is up to you. I know you'll make the best decision and don't worry, this is tax exempt just like your regular salary and bonuses are. You have a wonderful day!
Sincerely,
Starlight
Dear Starlight,
This is sweet, beyond sweet! I am so happy that you were able to get this done for me. Now as far as what I'll do with the money. I'm thinking I'll put it in my savings' account at the local credit union. I'm not hurting for money to start with and if I can gain some interest on it, I'm doing it! Thank you for doing this for me!
Happy You Helped Me,
Bright Beam