//------------------------------// // Chapter 9: Tired And Feathered // Story: My Life As A Psychopathic Nine Year Old Filly // by deadpansnarker //------------------------------// Well, this was it. Time to say ‘adios' to my previous incarnation as um… a professional slacker (hey, it’s a thing) and get used to my new life, as a mentally-disturbed equine sprog stuck in the world’s most secure playpen. I must say, as much as my careers advisor despaired of me ever even reaching the dizzy heights of fast-food retailment, she must’ve thought I was capable of more than this. Blame Cozy Glow for fooling me with that coquettish voice and those irresistible goo-goo eyes. Blame me for forgetting an entire season finale’s worth of evidence to stupidly follow her lead. Blame whatever sick entity created this pastelly alternate dimension previously thought to only exist as a TV show. Basically, there was plenty of attribution to pass around for the sorry state of affairs I found myself in right now… ...None of which helped one iota in lifting me out of this current mess. Tomorrow’s headlines practically wrote themselves. ‘After a brief struggle, notorious magic-swiper Cozy Glow was today recaptured on the edge of the Everfree Forest by a heroic veteran guard who’ll soon be honoured by Princess Twilight Sparkle herself. The fiendish filly felon was caught hiding out with hero Rainbow Dash’s parents, both of whom had no comment to make (for once). As for Cozy Glow, she’ll now be forcibly escorted back to her deluxe suite at Tartarus for the rest of her miserable existence, which’ll be punctuated by regular helpings of lumpy gruel, constant mocking by Tirek and horrific torture utilising small pointy objects inserted underneath her eyelids…’ (Okay, so that last idea was all mine. As if they’d stick such a barbaric activity, as deserved as it might be, inside the show itself. What do you think this is… Adult Swim?) In any case, the moment of reckoning was beckoning. I may not be able to actually see the guard (remember: still pretending to be unconscious sshh) but I could hear him getting closer, his asthmatic breath wheezing nearer, his creaking joints approaching at a rapid rate… (Didn’t you hear? Old people are just about the only demographic you can poke fun at these days without getting torn to shreds. Oldies, and Christians.) Needless to say, I was a tad nervous. If I hadn’t just ‘gone’ I probably would’ve wet myself there and then. Or rather, drenched Windy Whistles, which would’ve been just plain rude.  Unable to do much of anything besides lay there, I resigned myself to fate… But then something quite unexpected happened. Clatter. Shove. Zip. Without warning, I heard a bunch of stuff being emptied onto the ground, before my still form was quickly pushed into some kind of fabric bag. Next, a zipper could be heard being swiftly pulled up, and the only conclusion I could draw from this surprise turn of events was… They’re gonna cover for me. How selfless! How brave! Those poor saps. Fortunately, whatever fastener they’d used to cover my pinkish self had been left open a touch, probably to aid my breathing but it also helped me hear exactly what was being said between Mr Wrinkles and my surprise benefactors… “Sorry to disturb you folks, but I have to ask: Who are you and what is your business here today?” “My name is Bow Hothoof, and this is my wife Windy Whistles. We are participating in the charity walk for disabled pegasi, and decided to make a day of it. After all, the weather is beautiful, and the picnic equipment you see scattered around your hooves wasn’t just brought along to weigh us down!” “I... see. And if I cross that information with the campaign organisers, you can guarantee it’ll check out? As much as you ponies seem okay, we can’t take any chances with one of the most dangerous criminals Equestria has ever seen. I may need to check your bags too…” “Hi, Windy Whistles here! You don’t have to go to the trouble of bothering Scootaloo and her friends, dearie. Just take a short walk to Ponyville and visit the School Of Friendship, then have a little chat with our daughter who’s in employment there as a professor. You might’ve heard of her? Top Wonderbolt in her class? Saved the world on numerous occasions? Is the cutest shade of cobalt you could ever…” You could hear the jitter in the guard’s voice from here. I wish I could’ve seen his face. “Y-You m-mean R-Rainbow D-Dash?! Why didn’t you say so… wait, I can see the family resemblance now. I-I’m so sorry to spoil your day out, but I have orders to stop all ponies passing through here on account of the indescribable danger this filly poses to our very way of life. You might not think it to look at her freckled cheeks and butter-wouldn’t-melt face, but…” “Well, I can personally vouch that my and my wife have seen no such child on our travels, and if we had, we’d have notified the proper authorities immediately. We’ve been much too busy enjoying the sun, exercising our hooves and thinking about all the good the bits we’ve raised will do for all the unfortunate young pegasi out there who’ll never know the pleasure of taking flight. After all, that’s what it’s all about... do you agree?” “Y-Yes of course sir, but please understand, I have a job to do, a-and…” “If you really think me and my husband would ruin our lives and tarnish our beloved daughter’s reputation for a filly we don’t even know, then you might as well arrest us now. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t like to be the one who explained to Rainbow Dash later why her parents were imprisoned under dubious pretences, not to mention why foals in desperate need will be getting less money because we weren’t able to finish our charity walk. If you want to volunteer for the task though…” The gulp which followed from the guard was so loud, it was more like a yelp. “N-No, ma’am, I do not! I’ve worked too hard and waited a long time to be made Captain Of The Guard at Tartarus, and I won’t give it up for anything… I-I mean, you can pass!! Ponies of fine repute and heritage such as yourselves should be free of any suspicion. J-Just promise me one thing, if it’s not too much trouble… please don’t tell Rainbow Dash we had this conversation, okay?” “Of course we won’t! You were just doing your job, like you said.” Bow Hothoof generously told the anxious guard he’d keep schtum about their brief encounter. “Hope you catch the little rascal! And have a glorious day!” Windy Whistled gushed in her usual effusive manner, probably waving him off. “Good, ‘cos without my full pension, I’d have no idea how to feed my nine grandchildren, or put a deposit down on that luxury condo at Silver Shoals. The way things are going now, the quicker I move in there, the better... grumble” The clearly peeved guard mumbled bitterly to himself as he hobbled his old bones off into the distance.  Guess he was pissed at having expanded all that essential energy to get to us for nothing. Hard cheese, dude. Don’t have a stroke on my account, please. In the meantime, an obviously pleased Bow Hothoof could be heard breathing a sigh of relief. “Phew. Thank Celestia that’s over. I can’t believe we jeopardised our freedom and our daughter’s career over a complete stranger though, as cute and as injured as she is. Maybe we should’ve asked the guard her name before he stormed off, but it’s too late now. I wonder what made us act in such an impulsive, reckless way?” “The two words you just used sum up our Rainbow to a tee my love, so at least we know where she gets it now.” A squelchy smooching noise could now be detected, and to be honest, I was glad my eyes were firmly shut for that. “I’m sure she’d understand the situation, and handle it exactly the same way as we just did. I mean, how could such a tiny filly be the hardened criminal that weird stallion painted her as? We’re looking at an abused child here, no doubt framed by the guilty party themselves…” “Party!” Bow Hothoof interrupted his wife to audibly slap something, probably his forehead. “We need to get a move on if we’re gonna make it to that school on time to surprise Rainbow, otherwise all our secret planning with Miss Pinkie will be for nothing! Come darling, let’s pick all our stuff off the ground, put it in the spare rucksack and get going… those banners and balloons aren’t gonna hang themselves up, you know!” “Oops, you’re right! But as much as our precious deserves her special moment, our first priority should be securing the safety of this little one.” At this point, I felt a gentle pat on the bag they’d unceremoniously shoved me into. “We’d better keep her in here for now, in case there are any more guards about. Then as soon as I’ve had a chance to speak to Headmare Twilight, we can straighten this whole silly mess out, and life can go back to normal…” Not if I have a chance to talk to her first… I tuned out at this point, beginning to formulate a plan of action in my overstretched brain. Unless by ‘normal’ you mean me returning to my hairy, obese Adonis of a body. In which case, we have shared goals. I still won’t let you adopt me, but if it’s any consolation, you’re no longer my most hated Main 6 family members. Congratulations! Zephyr, my main man, your time has come. May you wear this well-earned badge with distinction and pride. Now, how do I get to see Twilight without these hippies, the students or any of her close friends spotting my rook-endowed flank? To flee or not to flee, that is the question. I could fool myself as much as I wanted into thinking I was a genius by referencing Shakespeare during my inner monologues (up until last year, I thought the original Romeo was Leonardo Dicaprio) but the fact remained I had to think of a foolproof scheme before arriving in Ponyville… ...And I had around an hour to perform this minor miracle. The pressure was real.