//------------------------------// // Prequel: Prior Expectations // Story: Expecting Expectations // by ROBCakeran53 //------------------------------// *Roughly four years before engagement.* Princess Celestia smiled, reading over another of the letters sent her way from Princess Twilight, about how things were coming along in Ponyville. Starlight Glimmer was proving to be quite the challenging student for her, but at the same time, it was a good experience for the both of them. Setting the letter down, she drew from her desk drawer some parchment, laying it flat on the surface, then touched the feather tip of her quil to her chin. So lost in thought about how her correspondence should start, she didn’t pay any mind to a small humming sound. She finally took notice of a disturbance when small tremors shook the study, as well as flashing lights under the lavatory door. It was all over in the span of a few seconds, and so she charged her horn with offensive spells and activated defensive wards. However, she did hesitate in calling in her guard, for if this was indeed a nasty foe, she couldn’t handle any of her little ponies being harmed. Although her own track record hadn’t been the greatest as of late… “Maybe I should…” Suddenly, a loud, booming voice came from inside the bathroom. “Hee-eey, bye bye bye!” Several more seconds ticked on by as Celestia stared at the door with rapt attention. Somepony inside was… singing, a strange song, about leaving someone because they couldn’t stand them any longer. It was only when the boom of instruments then joined she realized the being was singing along to music. Hesitantly, she stood, taking gentle steps until she was to the door, placing an ear against it as her horn continued to glow, ready to release a countermeasure. And yet the singing, and music, continued, along with the newly discovered sound of running water. The (live) singer was clearly a male, but she couldn’t place any particular accent. No inconsistencies with the whinnies(*), so it probably wasn’t a gryphon, although if it was a trained assassin, they’d be good. Then again… he was singing… in a shower, that shouldn’t exist, in a half bath. Princess Celestia took a deep breath, turned the door handle, and slowly opened it, and what greeted her was not the study’s normally simple half bath. This one was still small, much like the original, but the ornate decorations of crown moulding were replaced with cracked and flaking plaster. The vanity which held the sink and grand mirror was now an old wooden cabinet with an askew door and a grungy sink on top, dripping away. Resting precariously on the left edge was a small black device. A radio, she surmised, although it lacked the traditional wooden case and fabric covers and polished knobs. This one appeared… cheap, as if it were hastily made and any craftsponyship was forgone for any number of reasons. The toilet… didn’t even look like a typical Equestrian toilet, more akin to those found in the Minotaur lands, only not made of heavy stone to bear their weight. Also the seat was up, which for some reason caused one of her eyebrows twitch in annoyance(1). All of the golden faucets were replaced with crusty, brushed metal that was green around the edges. The ornate marble that had been along the floor and parts of the walls were now small white and pink square tiles, many of them cracked. The actual porcelain wasn’t even white, but a nearly pale pink that sort of matched the pink tile, but clearly by any expert’s eye wasn’t so. And lastly, placed to the right side where a mostly bare wall once had been, now a standing shower had manifested that was far too narrow for any sizable equine such as herself or her sister. Smaller pegasi maybe, but an average-built pony would even find some difficulty with mobility in there. A lone figure, tall, bipedal, judging from a glance through the fogged glass, was currently the source of the singing. “Something has happened, but what could it be?” Her defensive spells were swiftly replaced with probes and scans of the space, but nothing jumped out at her as hostile. The only oddities being the strange fact electricity was being supplied to a set of outlets and the overhead light, and the water was coming from nowhere logical, the plumbing literally being severed, yet still providing water. It was a very normal, if worn out, bathroom. The radio made a grinding sound, and then another song started up: something about it was going to be me, whoever-he-was sang. The male inside the shower didn’t seem as enthusiastic in singing this song, favoring instead continuing to clean himself. It was nearly impossible for Celestia to tell what way he was facing, but judging by the lack of acknowledgement of her presence, he probably had his back to her. Gently, she stepped inside, careful not to make any sound with her hooves on the tile. There were spots where entire patches of them were missing, so she aimed for those to dampen the sound. In two easy strides, she was standing at the glass, and very unsure of what to do next. “Should I politely cough? Knock on the glass?” She didn’t have to wait too long, however, because the being inside shut off the water. He opened one of the glass panels just enough for a pale, bare-skinned arm to reach out, feeling along an empty towel rack with his fingers. Thinking fast, Celestia looked around, and spied a… she hoped a clean blue towel crumpled between the shower and toilet. With her magic, she brought it over, allowing the being’s hand to graze it, then grab it, pulling it inside with himself. Upon reflection, he did have hair, it just wasn’t a thick coat, but more of a covering of thinly sparse hair. He was humming along with another song now, this one sounding artificial, with strange technological beats to it. He seemed to be tapping a padded foot or the like to the beat. Then, a particular set of lyrics began and he was shaking his… flanks into the towel along with a yippie-yi-yay. Before she could stop herself, Celestia let a giggle escape, quickly trying to cover her muzzle with a hoof. “What the—?” The music was forgotten as the being reached for the glass panel again, opening it just enough for his face to peer out. Both of them blinked at each other, many emotions running rampant in their minds and faces. Shock, horror, curiosity, and lastly to Celestia’s surprise, he smiled and shook his head. “Ha ha, real funny, Tom!” he shouted loudly towards the open bathroom door. “This is really funny, bringing in a horse, but come on! When are the jokes going to end?” Celestia looked to the open door, her vacant desk and some bookshelves the only clearly visible items. She didn’t see any Tom, or even know a Tom. The being seemed to be just as puzzled, although more than likely for different reasons. “Huh, that doesn’t look like our apartment.” Casually, he stepped out of the shower, the being using the towel to continue to dry his head and the small black mane atop it. The rest of him was, obviously, naked, save for more scatterings of hair, mostly around his face, chest, and unsheathed member. Curious, but maybe it was part of his cleaning? Proper bean(2) control was a big part of her male guard’s personal hygiene, after all. He walked right by her, careful not to touch, and stepped out into her study, to which the princess followed. Looking around, he appeared confused, maybe even lost, as he surveyed the room. “What the Hell did Tom do this time? How did he make the apartment bigger? And, like… he hates books.” He turned around to face Celestia. She raised a brow. “And then he lets in a horse? I don’t get it.” He continued to walk around her study. All the while, she followed him with her eyes, as he pulled out random books, flipped through them, returned them, still dripping water along the ancient wood floors. Reaching her desk, he started to grab for parchments, when she finally stepped over to stop him. “Whoa, easy there, girl.” He patted the side of Celestia’s neck. “At least, I think you’re a girl?” Once more, casual as ever, he walked by her, then swinging her tail to the side, he checked(3). “Yeah, girl horse. Gross.” Celestia huffed at that. “Oh hush, you. Wait… why am I talking to a horse?” The towel was now over his shoulder as he continued to look around, then in the middle of the room, he looked back to the bathroom door, then Celestia, and finally the only other door. He raised his arms and took a deep breath, before shouting, “I don’t get it, Tom! What’s the fucking joke!?” Suddenly the study door burst open, a lone royal guard stepping inside. “Your Highness? Is there any—” He froze. The biped froze. The hairs on Celestia’s neck rose as she awaited her guard’s response. Both males, the biped and Hank the guard, stared at each other. The creature then turned back to Celestia, pointing at her guard. “Did that little horse in armor just talk?” Celestia, for whatever reason, only nodded. He looked back to Hank. “You just talked? Can she talk?” The guard, to Celestia’s surprise, simply nodded, not sensing any immediate danger, so he didn’t attack, but she could see his legs tense to lunge just in case. “So if you can talk… then you’re… intelligent?” “Sapient is another word,” Celestia said. He nodded, then looked down to himself. “Oh, so, I’m just stark naked then.” “And unsheathed, which is a very impolite gesture(4) around Her Highness,” said Royal Guard Hank. Again, the creature nodded, then started walking towards the bathroom. He closed the door behind himself, the music now talking about money money money. The door opened again, his towel now covering his lower section. He repeated the door opening and closing a dozen more times, seeming to expect something to change. A new song was playing, with the sounds of what were possibly popping bubbles, and talks about being ill. “It’s not changing. You two aren’t going away.” Princess Celestia and Hank the guard shook their heads, the guard having joined his princess’s side to observe. “I see. One moment then.” The door closed once more, and this time the music’s volume was increased extremely loud, but not loud enough to drown out the being’s sudden scream from inside. ---------- “Nope. I’m not coming out until you’re all gone.” It had been hours, and about half a dozen replays of the same music album, and they’d basically gotten nowhere with the being inside. Other than learning his name was Mark, he was a human, and he was not coming out until a mysterious fellow, friend, or enemy(5) named Tom arrived to dispel the current running joke. More guards had arrived on scene, but with no real threats other than boredom, many just stood around waiting to be useful. Kibitz had been summoned, and asked to retrieve Princess Luna from her sleep. Lastly, some nourishment for Mark in the form of fruit and flowers, although he declined the latter and squeezed the former through a small gap he’d opened with the door for brief moments. “Really now, you’re being quite childish,” Celestia chided. “I don’t care. I’m not coming out.” “You have to eventually.” “I have running water and a toilet. I’ll manage… at least a month, maybe two.” “And if we stop bringing you food?” “I’ll sneak out when no one’s looking. Used to do it all the time as a kid, and still do it when the boss is being a jerk.” “Yes, but I have stationed guards, who are trained to just stand around for eight hours a day and stare at blank walls. I don’t think you’d get very far before you’d be apprehended.” “I could bribe them.” Celestia looked down to two of her guards, Hank and Composite, standing on either side of the bathroom door. Both stallions stared at each other for a moment. Composite shrugged, then spoke at the door, “What do you got? You’re stuck in a bathroom.” “Tom stashes his pot under the toilet lid.” “Why would someone store kitchen tools in a toilet?” Hank asked. Composite shrugged again. Princess Celestia masked a giggle with another sigh. Finally, Kibitz returned with her sister, who didn’t appear even slightly pleased. “Pray tell, what hast thou done this time?” Celestia raised a hoof to her chest. “Me? I didn’t do anything! The bathroom seems to have been traded with another world’s, and brought along a passenger. And now he won’t come out.” “So we’re besieging him, are we? Very well. Guards, bring in some fallen timbers; we shall crash down this door with a mighty swing.” “No, Luna, we are not breaking down the bathroom door.” “Yeah, whoever you are, you’re not breaking down my bathroom door.” Celestia sighed again. “On this side, it’s still my door.” “Fine, then you’re not breaking down our door.” “Did you not try using your motherly charm to bring him out?” “Yes, I have.” “And of your feminine wiles? Or have those also gone within a hundred-hundred year’s time?” Composite struggled to hold back a snicker, but Hank was quick to smack the stallion with his spear. “It’s a thousand, please remember that. And no, I think we’re already beyond that.” Luna raised a brow. “He walked around here, unsheathed, and then raised my tail.” “Hey, not my fault!” Mark shouted from the door. “Our junk just kinda hangs there, and I didn’t know you were a sentient talking horse.” “Sapient!” Celestia and five other guards called back. “Whatever!” Luna nodded. “Very well, then let me take a, as I’ve heard used, crack at it.” With a wave of her hoof, Celestia walked away from the door to allow her sister her turn. She approached, then knocked gently on the door. “Creature—” “It’s Mark! I already told you guys that!” Luna huffed. “Fine, Mark, please come out.” “No!” “Fine.” Celestia and two guards ducked just in time as the door came flying off its hinges, crashing into the opposite book-covered wall as nothing but splinters. Mark was sitting on the toilet, a white roll in his hands. “Wow, like, if you needed to go, you could have just asked. I’m almost done.” “Huzzah, the door has been, as they said, taken a crack at! It is time to come out and accept thine punishment, foal.” “Excuse me, MC Hammer, but I didn’t just break down the door.” “Nay, but your transgressions by entering this castle unwelcomed, and then entrenching thyself in this lavatory must not go unpunished.” Celestia facehoofed. “Look, I’m sure once Tom comes off his high, this will all be fixed.” “Tom? Who is this Tom?” Luna asked. “We don’t know, it’s who he keeps complaining about, and why he says he won’t come out,” Celestia said. “Very well. You, guard! Go find us a Tom!” The guard saluted, rushing out the door. “Make sure he smells really funny, he’s probably doped up real good by now!” Mark shouted back, then looked down to the roll of paper in his hand. He then addressed the Lunar princess, “Also can you all like, just turn around while I finish up here?” So they did, allowing him to clean up and wash his hands. “Thanks.” Celestia and Luna turned back around, both of them sticking their long necks into the doorway. “Of course, we wouldn’t want to make this awkward,” Celestia said with a grin. “Oh no, of course not, not after everything that’s gone on already.” “You are the unsheathed one here,” Luna noted. Mark looked down. “Damn it, the towel.” He pulled it back up and around his waist. “So once we have this Tom, will you come out?” “Probably not.” Luna sighed. “No, not like that. I mean… I’ve been in here, having a lot of time to think.” “Five hours’ worth of thinking…” Composite mumbled. “... and I’ve been just trying to come to terms with the fact that… none of this makes sense. I’m not in my apartment, I’m not in Kansas anymore, I did not collect two hundred dollars or pass go.” Both royal sisters raised a brow at him. “And to top it all off, you’re all a bunch of talking horses.” “Ponies,” corrected Celestia and five of her guards. “Whatever! Point is, I’ve not had any drugs in two days, so I know this isn’t a bad high. This is… I don’t know what!” Mark waved his hands in the air. “So why not come out? Maybe we can help?” Celestia asked. “’Cause… I dunno, I think if I stay in here, maybe suddenly I’ll poof back to normal? See our cruddy-ass apartment with the broken couch and Mega Bong on the coffee table, and my… oh man, my sixty-four incher! God that took me forever to save up for. Now how am I gonna play my Call of Duty?” “With the toilet, we’d hope,” Luna said. “He’s already done that,” replied Composite. Somehow, Hank’s spear found its way around the two princesses and managed to slap the pegasus guard. “Mark, if you come out here, so we can talk, maybe we can solve this mystery and get you home?” He continued to stand there, in the middle of his bathroom, contemplating. “Well?” Celestia asked. “Hold on, I’m thinking.” “Truly, you must be the wisest of your species,” Luna said with a roll of her eyes. “Alright, I’ll come out on one condition.” “Naive foal, you have no leverage to—” Luna was silenced with one of Celestia’s wings. “Alright Mark, what is it?” “Can I get some clothes?” Celestia smiled. “Of course, we can make something work. Our maid Ensemble is quite talented with her stitch work.” “Hella. Okay, I think then I’m ready.” Mark began walking out, but then hesitated. “Wait.” “Now what?” Luna asked, but was again silenced by her sister. Hastily, Mark opened the mirror, grabbing a, presumably his, toothbrush. Then lifted the toilet lid up and tore off a plastic bag that had been taped to the underside of the lid. Lastly, he unplugged the black radio, wrapping the cord around the handle. He brought those three items with him. “Alright, let's do this.” Both royal sisters parted so that Mark could exit, and he peered around at the assembly of guards. “Do, uh, we really need this many of them around?” Celestia shook her head. “Probably not, no.” Mark then looked to the doorway, and at a particular pegasus. “Hey, smartmouth.” “Corporal Smartmouth, Sir.” Composite saluted with a wing. “I like him, can he just come?” Luna was on the verge of a shouting fit, a visible vein throbbing along her neck. Celestia simply nodded with a sly smile. “But of course, and I’ll have Hank come along for my own protection.” “Your Highness,” Hank said with acceptance. “Cool. So, uh, I guess… lead the way?” And so two alicorn princesses, two guards, and one human with nothing but a towel, toothbrush, a bag of “medicinal” pot, and his boombox with his No Strings Attached(6) album wandered out of Princess Celestia’s study, and down the hall. Mark began asking questions, and Celestia was nothing, if not excited, to share and learn from a new being in her kingdom. There was little doubt in Luna’s mind they’d become fast friends, and it worried her. Hours later, once things in the study had returned to relative normality, a lone Royal Guard pushed along at a snail’s pace a massive boulder, resting against it to catch his breath. “Your… Highness… I have… located… a Tom!” However, no princesses were there to greet him. Just another lone guard who stood next to the closed study door. Small orange cones blocked the entrance, as well as yellow caution tape in a criss cross pattern on the door’s frame. With a defeated sigh, he began pushing the large rock back the way he’d come. ---------- (*)It was a known fact many non-equine like creatures had issues with some Equestrian dialects. Gryphons, hippogryphs, and even dragons would have issues with some words. (1) It was another well-known fact that no matter what species you were, all women hated it when guys left the seat up. It was just as rude as not lifting the seat at all. (2)Monthly maintenance was required, usually involving water pressure, mineral oils, and in extreme cases, a specially made spoon. Every medical examination left most of the stallions walking funny for a few hours. (3)If he actually knew anything about horses, then he’d know to be a little more careful about walking around her rear like he did. (4)Seasons of Estrus made this increasingly difficult, but guards, both male and female, were trained well and strict. (5)How Mark talked about this person named Tom, it was impossible to figure out their social standing, but she figured it was akin to Trixie Lulamoon and Twilight Sparkle. One passive aggressive, and the other blissfully ignorant to it. (6)It was a well-known and guilty fact that most pre-teen males growing up at the tail end of the ’90s had the unfortunate attraction to the boy bands that their older, much more teen sisters(6a) were obsessed with. (6a)Mark did not, in fact, have a sister.