//------------------------------// // Derpy Hooves // Story: Living in Equestria // by Blazewing //------------------------------// As soon as I caught up with Pinkie, I could hear her humming to herself, though sometimes she would pause, look like she was considering something, then either hum the part she was at again, or continue on a new line if she was satisfied. “Are you making your own song?” I asked. “Mm-hmm!” she said, with a grin. “You seem to have a real passion for songs,” I said. “I mean, that welcome wagon thing at the party was proof enough.” “Sure! I like to have a song ready for anything!” “Anything?” “Anything! From not being afraid of the dark to baking cupcakes!” “Really?” “Really-really!” Now that was what I called crazy-prepared. As we were walking and talking, we didn’t even notice that the morning breakfast rush had passed us by long ago. What caught our attention, however, was a morose sighing. We looked up to see Derpy, a hefty mailbag strapped over her shoulder, and a very gloomy look on her wonky-eyed face. Even when expressing a different emotion, her eyes were a little odd to look at, at least when they were off on their own. “Derpy?” asked Pinkie, concerned. “Oh. Hey, guys,” she said. “What’s wrong, Derpy?” I asked. “Oh, it’s nothing new for me,” she said, landing in front of us. “I dropped Dinky off at school and went to pick up today’s mail, but I must have a hole in my bag, cuz I’ve been dropping letters all over the place.” She waved her hoof to indicate the street behind her, and Pinkie and I saw a long trail of letters strewn along it, like confetti thrown at a party. I looked at Derpy’s bag, and saw that there was indeed a hole in the underside, and from the look of the scattered mail, she’d gone pretty far before noticing her error. “It’s gonna take me forever to pick it all up, and then what’s to stop more from leaking out? My boss is gonna really chew me out this time, and I can’t afford another pay cut.” She hung her head, wings drooping. I felt a twinge in my gut at these words. Another pay cut? This wasn’t the first time she’d messed up? Just how bad did she have it? “I can almost hear him now,” she added, and imitated a gruff male voice, “‘Well, Hooves, what was it this time? Head stuck in a mailbox? Thought a package was a bomb? Thought somepony’s address was a misspelling? Well, that’s all right. After all, you just don’t know what went wrong!’” This last bit was, I assumed, meant to imply heavy sarcasm, but it had turned into a hysterical shriek. She had risen into the air, meanwhile, with her bag, in her bout of imitation, when all of a sudden, *RIIIIIP!* The hole in the bag burst open wider, and every letter came out at once with a solid “thump!” onto the ground, emptying the bag. All three of us stared at the mess, aghast, and then, in the next instant, Derpy sank to her knees, the tears rolling down her face. Pinkie, ears drooped, moved forward and hugged her consolingly. Derpy lay her chin on Pinkie’s shoulder, dropping the bag to put her forelegs around her. Now that was too much. It was bad enough that she had the appearance of somepony with, well, a bit of a handicap, and apparently had a record of clumsiness and mess-ups, but to see her reduced to tears when, so far, she had been very chipper, that was more than I could stand. I wished I could do something to help her. “Oh! Good morning, Dave!” Startled, I looked up. Without knowing it, we were standing outside Carousel Boutique, and Rarity was standing in her doorway. She took one look at the miserable pegasus, and her expression took an immediate flip-flop. “Goodness, what’s going on? Derpy, darling, are you all right?” The pegasus didn’t answer. In all fairness, how could she? “She’s really frustrated,” I explained. “Her mailbag ripped, and now she’s afraid of getting a pay cut because she’ll be late with deliveries.” “Oh, that’s awful," said Rarity, sympathetically. "Bring her inside, with her bag. I’ll see if I can patch it up.” “Would you?” I asked, relieved. “ That'd be great, Rarity. Hey, Derpy! Rarity says she can fix your bag!” Derpy looked up, sniffling and hiccupping. “R-Really?” “Of course, sweetie,” said Rarity, kindly. “Come along in, and I’ll see what I can do.” Wiping at her eyes, Derpy finally smiled and, letting go of Pinkie, followed Rarity inside. For my part, I picked up the empty mailbag. “What the heck was that all about?” asked a familiar voice. Looking up, I beheld Rainbow Dash hovering nearby, confused by what had just transpired. “Is Derpy all right?” “Just a bit of work anxiety, Rainbow,” I said. “Derpy’s really having it rough today.” “Is she? Man, that stinks. I knew her back in Cloudsdale, you know.” “Did you?” “Yeah. She was a bit older than the rest of us, so she could already fly by the time I started camp, but she wasn’t exactly…” She paused, trying to find the right word. “Coordinated?” I supplied. “That works. But she’s really sweet, and normally she never lets anything get her down. Besides, she’s got Dinky to think of.” Then, all at once, a light bulb clicked on in my head. “Rainbow! Can I ask a favor?” “Sure. Name it." “Can you and Pinkie gather up Derpy’s mail? Rarity’s gonna sew up her mailbag, so the sooner we can get Derpy back in gear, the better.” “No problem!” said Rainbow, saluting. “Come on, Pinks!” “Right behind you, Dashie!” said Pinkie. The two hurried off, scooping up the scattered mail as I carried the bag with me into the boutique. *** When I got in, Rarity had poured Derpy a cup of tea, which she was sipping gratefully in an armchair, still sniffling from time to time. The unicorn looked up as I entered. “Ah, there you are, Dave. Just take the bag into my workroom, next to the sewing machine.” She pointed out the door down the hallway, in the center of the far wall. I nodded in comprehension and carried it over, setting it down where she asked. As I did so, I spotted something that staggered me not a little. There, folded up on the ironing board, was a stack of clothes that looked just like my own. The shirt was a dark blue, and the jeans looked like those I’d normally find on a rack at a store. Even the underwear and socks looked authentic, but I dared not touch any of them, lest Rarity not think they were complete yet. A diagram, covered with complex scraps of writing, numbers, and equations, sat nearby, showing what looked like two blank silhouettes of a human with clothes on them, one with the shirt and pants, the other with the underpants and socks. I was astonished that a pony like Rarity had a head for this sort of thing. “What do you think?” Rarity’s voice came so suddenly that I jumped, spinning around. “Rarity! *phew*!” I placed a hand on my heart. “You shouldn’t sneak up like that. You almost gave me a heart attack.” “Sorry, darling. I just knew you’d notice your new clothes when you came in. Why don’t you try them on, see how they feel?” “Really? Right now?” “Certainly. And then, would you be a dear and keep Derpy company? The poor thing looks as if she really needs it.” “I’d love to.” I said, scooping up the clothes under one arm. “Thanks, Rarity.” “You’re welcome, dear. Now, this shouldn’t take more than a few minutes.” She levitated her work glasses onto the bridge of her snout. “We want to make sure this won’t happen again.” Nodding in agreement, I headed into the bathroom to change. *** I had to admit, despite it being her first attempt, Rarity really did an admirable job on these new clothes. They felt like they had been freshly bought, or had just come out of the dryer. Even the fabric felt like it should have: real cotton, real denim. I had neatly folded up my old clothes and brought them with me when I went to check on Derpy. She was still sitting in the armchair, and had set the teacup aside. I pulled a chair up close to her. “Hey, Derpy,” I said softly. She looked up at me. “Hi,” she said, her voice still husky from crying. “You ok now?” “Yeah. I’ll be all right.” “Good. Listen, Derpy, I’m really sorry that had to happen to you.” “Don’t worry about it. I was just frustrated. I know I'm not the greatest mail-carrier out there. I mean, would you trust somepony with strabismus?" Strabismus? Was that what was up with her eyes? I made no answer, not wishing to offend, and she pressed on, "It's not so bad mostly, but I have my off days all too often. My boss hasn’t been too happy with me lately. My paycheck’s kind of suffered because of it.” “Oh. Do you and Dinky still do all right?” “Yeah. I just don’t want it to get worse.” "I see." We sat in silence for a few moments, then Derpy looked at me again. “Can I tell you something?” she asked. “Of course.” “I wasn't always called Derpy Hooves.” I blinked. “No?” I knew it. No one could ever suffer themselves to have such a degrading name. “I used to be Ditzy Doo.” …And now we’d come full circle. “Ditzy…Doo?” “Silly, isn’t it?” “No-no-no!” I said, hurriedly. “Not at all! Ditzy’s a…cute name.” She smiled half-heartedly. “It’s ok, Dave. I changed it on purpose, just to lower the teasing even a little bit.” “Well, I can understand changing Ditzy to Derpy, but why change Doo to Hooves?” “Well, let’s just say ‘Derpy Doo’ is nowhere near as inviting as either of them.” ...Fair point. "Derpy, you’ve got such a good heart," I said, sincerely. "You're the kind of somebody bad things should never happen to.” “You think I have a good heart?" Derpy asked. "That’s so sweet…” Once more, her eyes were correctly aligned as she said this, and the sincere emotion in them was effectively carried across. It brought a smile to my face. “You know, I can sympathize with what you go through," I said. “You can?” “Sure. I’m not perfect, either. I screw up a lot, mostly because I let things escape my notice too often, and by the time I realize I did so, it’s too late, and I’m being scolded for it. It’s not that I try to mess things up, but I just…don’t notice when I do. And then there’s always those times when I wish I could go back and change it, and when all I can say to myself is…that I just don’t know what went wrong.” I gazed down at the floor, lost in melancholy thought. Talking about it only reminded me all the more of the home I’d left behind. Derpy, perhaps sensing my emotional downturn, had leaned over in her chair and gave me a warm, comforting nuzzle. Touched, I put a friendly arm around her and pulled her into a side-hug. Misery loves company, they say, and now I could see why: two wounded souls needed each other to mend each other. The tender moment was broken, however, as the door burst open, and there stood Rainbow Dash and Pinkie, both looking exhausted. “There you are!” I said. “I was wondering when you two would show up.” Derpy looked up and gasped. “Rainbow Dash!” She leaped from her chair and tackled the Technicolor pegasus in an ecstatic glomp. “Long time no see!” Rainbow chuckled and patted the bubble-marked pegasus on the back. “Hey, Derpy. How’ve you been?” “Not too bad. Well, not before earlier, anyway," she said, looking embarrassed. “Aw, don’t sweat it,” said Rainbow. “We all get our off days. How’s Dinky?” “Really good! Cheerilee really loved the oral report she gave last week!” “She gave an oral report?” I asked, baffled. “That shy little kid?” “Oh, she’s only shy around strangers,” said Derpy. “Once she gets to know you, she’s a little bundle of smiles!” Oh yeah. Pinkie had mentioned that. Then, as I looked at Rainbow and Pinkie again, I realized something was wrong with this picture. Very, very wrong. “What’s wrong, Davie?” asked Pinkie, tilting her head. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” “Girls…where’s the mail?” “Huh?” “The mail! I asked you to gather it up while Derpy’s bag was being mended! What did you do with it?” “Oh, you just wanted us to gather it up?” asked Rainbow. “See, this is why you’ve gotta think ahead, Dave. We already took care of it.” I just stared at them, unable to comprehend what she said. “You…took care of it? What does that mean?” “Well, duh!” said Pinkie. “We delivered it!” Now it was Derpy’s turn to look dumbfounded. “You delivered it?…All of it?” “Yep! Rainbow Dash sped it into the mailboxes, and I ran behind with more mail for her to restock on when her hooves were empty.” Words failed me. My jaw hung open like a cave. “But…how…that…you…I…” I stammered. “In such short time!?” “We would have done it in 5 minutes,” said Rainbow, “if somepony could keep up.” She gave Pinkie a pointed look. “It’s not my fault,” said Pinkie, crossing her forelegs huffily. “I didn’t want to drop anything, so of course I couldn’t go as fast as you, Dashie!” “Well, of course you couldn’t go as fast as me," she said, a touch of pride in her voice. "No one goes as fast as me.” “You two did that for me?” asked Derpy, still stunned. “Of course, Derpy,” said Rainbow, in a much gentler tone. “You’re my pal. I’d never leave you hanging like that.” “And I couldn’t leave you without turning your frown upside down,” said Pinkie. Those golden, mismatched orbs filled to the brim at these words, and, to tell the truth, I was quite touched myself. These two really were the Elements of Loyalty and Laughter. “You girls…You’re the best!” Derpy threw her forelegs around their necks, hugging them so tightly that their faces turned red from the pressure, though Pinkie seemed to enjoy it while Rainbow looked less than comfortable. At that moment, Rarity came in, the mailbag in her levitation aura. “Derpy, I’ve just finished!” she said, holding the bag up. “Stitched up good as new. You’d never even guess it was damaged in the first place.” It was true; even from where I sat, I could see no indication that there had even been a rip. Rarity’s appearance, at all events, seemed to have been a relief for Rainbow, for Derpy released her and Pinkie and instead gave Rarity a bone-crushing hug, showering her with “Thank you”-s, which hopefully was some placation for the flustered unicorn. Derpy then pulled out, from somewhere I couldn’t see, a coin purse, and was going to count out bits to pay for the stitch job, but Rarity shook her head emphatically. “You’ve been through quite enough, darling. This one’s on me.” Despite Rarity’s generous nature, I couldn’t help wondering how she kept her business afloat if she kept doing so many expensive favors for her good friends. Still, I couldn’t find fault in her for having such a good heart. Derpy, after thanking Rarity once again, had shouldered her bag, and was heading out the door when another thought struck me. Of course! Why hadn’t I thought of it before? Derpy was Ponyville’s mail mare. That meant she most likely knew every square inch of it as she went about it day to day, delivering her letters and parcels. If anypony were to have noticed anything abnormal or out of place, it would be her! “Can you girls excuse me? I need to ask her something,” I said. Without waiting for a reply, I rushed out the door in time to see Derpy ascending. “Derpy! Hold up!” I called, cupping my hands to my mouth. Thankfully, Derpy stopped and descended to face me. “What is it, Dave?” “Can I ask you something?” “Sure! What is it?” “Well, since you’re Ponyville’s mail mare, you’d know Ponyville with a good deal of familiarity, right?” “Know it like the back of my wing!” said Derpy, proudly. “And so you’d notice if something was out of place or not supposed to be there, right?” “Well, sure, I guess.” “Good. Well, have you noticed anything unusual the last couple of days? Like, around the time I first arrived?” Derpy put a hoof to her chin in contemplation, looking skyward (with one eye, anyway) in mental concentration. “Hmm…As a matter of fact, I did notice something weird.” “Yes?” I asked, eagerly. “Something that just seemed…out of place.” “YES?” “Now, what was it?…Oh, yeah! I remember!” “YES?” “Sugarcube Corner switched up where they keep their muffins!” “…What?” “I mean, I know only a really observant eye would pick up something like that, but think about it! Every other time I’d gone to Sugarcube Corner, they kept the muffins on the left side of the counter, when you’re facing it from the front door, anyway. Well, yesterday, they started keeping them on the right side! Isn’t that just the craziest thing?” “Yeah…Crazy,” I said, hollowly. All of that dramatic buildup, all for a change of bakery aesthetics??… “You ok, Dave? You’re not mad, are you?” asked Derpy, mildly concerned. “What? Oh! No, no, of course not. Not at you, anyway, Derpy. You didn’t do anything wrong.” “Oh, good. Why, were you looking for something specific?” “Don’t worry about it, Derpy. It's not a big deal." “Well, all right, if you say so. Just remember, anything you need, I'll do what I can to help. Anything for a friend,” she added, with a warm smile. “I’ll bear it in mind," I said, returning the smile. "Say hi to Dinky for me.” “Will do! Bye!” She soared off as I waved goodbye to her. In the next moment, Pinkie and Rainbow rejoined me outside. “What did the two of you have to say?” asked Pinkie. “Oh, not much,” I said. “She just wanted me to let you know what a faithful customer she is.” “Really? Why’s that?” she asked. “She can tell when the muffins have been moved," I said, dryly.