//------------------------------//
// A Bothersome Mare 
// Story: Criminally Stupendous 
// by dudenotactive 
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The morning was still awfully cold in this small town called Ponyville. Roman held the warm cup of coffee close to him as he sat by a tree in the local park. His eyes were a bit sunken since he was up all night doing things because in the end, Roman had chosen to work instead of looking for a place to stay. He needed to be vigilant, he was nowhere near his hideout and Trixie is not around to help him, nor are the others.

He was too deep in uncharted territories where one wrong move could have the whole guard faction to come after his tail.

He sighed, still peeved off about Trixie's screw up. But he can't do anything about that. Roman was here in this stupid little town and that's that. The thief needed to keep out of trouble until he could find a way back. It would be easy to do because not a single pony had batted an eye at him. The guards are strangely wary of him, sure, but they didn't care for him as well. To everyone, he was just a random pony who was well dressed. And to Dash and her fan as well as Applejack, he was just some unlucky guy who got thrown out of his comfort zone.

And that's just what he wanted.

"Hey, Roman!"

Roman froze, just as he was about to take a sip of his coffee. He glanced over to the one who called him, and there he found Scootaloo with a box that was big as the filly on her back.

"Scooter!" He greeted her.

"Roman, I checked on the farm and Applejack told me that she hadn't even heard from you after we went for ice cream. I thought something had happened dude."

Roman chuckled lightly. "Sorry, I got caught up with something last night, I didn't realize that it was already morning. So I took a power nap on a bench and got myself some coffee an hour after."

"Sheesh, what exactly was it to keep you up all night?"

"I was practicing my flying skills, and surprise to say, I'm faster than before!" Roman held his head high after, proud of his new gained experience.

"Woah, really!? You are so dedicated!"

Roman waved a hoof in the air and dismissed her compliment playfully. "Yeah, it was nothing. All my life I had never thought that one day I could fly high into the skies since I was too busy with work. But here I am, already a skilled flier!"

"Maybe you should have a race with Rainbow Dash!"

Roman bit his tongue by accident when Scootaloo suggested her idea. Roman is confident with his skills, but from what he saw yesterday, he knows that Dash is faster than him in a fair race. His lips became flat as he stared aimlessly ahead. He was silent as his mind compared him and the pegasus in subject.

Sure he wanted to see the results with his own eyes, but let's be real here, Roman couldn't win without pulling out some tricks for Dash.

"Listen kid," The kid indeed listened. "I don't think I could ever out fly Skittles, she's just too fast for me."

"Wouldn't hurt to try!"

"Word of advice Scooter, know how far you could toss a rock. What I mean is, that knowing what your limit is would also help you against your opponent. If they can throw a mean right hook, then you gotta be quicker. If they're fast, then you gotta be smarter! Get what I'm saying?"

The filly only shook her head.

Roman sighed in defeat. "I'm heading to Applejack's farm. Could you point me the way?"

She lifted a tiny hoof towards a direction. "Just keep heading that way and there will be a sign to keep you on the right path."

"Thanks Scooter." Roman stood back up on his two hooves and started his short journey to the farm.

"Wait, when can we practice flying again?"

"You just wants some snacks from me, don't you?" Scootaloo answered him with a sheepish smile. "Come see me in an hour and I'll treat you to some hayburgers. And maybe, I could give you a present, kid."

Scootaloo became ecstatic, her smile went wider. "Awesome!"

Roma chuckled lightly and shook his head as he left the filly to herself.

There's something about Scootaloo that made Roman feel a little comfortable in this town of sharks and tigers. The idea of the guards breathing down his neck and someone recognizing him was overwhelmed by Scootaloo's presence. But as much as he liked the kid, he couldn't really keep her as a friend, he was still a criminal.

Here's hoping that she would never find out.




Roman, for the first time since he woke up on this planet, was being tempted by a very vile demon. Before him was a creature of black and white, one that had two horns and a bell around their neck. He stared longingly at the beast and felt an aching rumble in his stomach.

His tongue moistened his dry lips as this evil temptress distracted him from his original objective.

He wanted to do it, run up and just do it. But knowing his capabilities, he knew that it was impossible. Roman clenched his cane on both ends even tightly, everything sans the beast had started to blur and he could only hear one thing as his body became rigid.

And that sound was... "Moo!"

Yes, if you haven't guessed it right away, then let me reveal to you all that it is indeed a cow. The cow was obviously a stray from someone's farm.

As for why Roman was acting so strange, it would be because he was reminded of one of the few things he missed from his home world. And that would be a tasty and juicy meat. Oh how he missed digging his teeth into a delicious steak. How he would enjoy a yummy hamburger. Or a crispy fried chicken dipped in gravy.

And the fact that he was even planning to buy Scootaloo a hayburger later which just added fuel to his desire to eat meat. He just missed it so much!

"Excuse me, but could I ask you something?"

Roman's attention was ripped away from the tasty looking bovine. The culprit was a unicorn mare with lavender colored fur. He eyed her suspiciously, his hoof held his cane a little closer, Roman doesn't know who this mare was but he would rather not allow any threat to just run free. If she was a threat.

"You're not from here, right?" She asked.

Roman mentally cursed in his head as he put up an innocent face. "Well, I am just visiting town. So you're correct, I'm not from around here."

She shook her head. "No, what I mean is that you're not from this planet."

The end of Roman's cane was pressed against the mare's throat in a blink of an eye. The mare was completely undaunted by Roman's action.

"How do you know that?" Roman stepped over to her side with the cane still at her throat. He casually stood there to make sure that he wouldn't attract unwanted attention. "Scream and I'll put you in an ambulance heading straight to the hospital."

"I think we got off the wrong hoof." She spoke, the mare wasn't even bothered by his threat. "My name is Twilight Sparkle. May I have yours?"

"You don't know who I am? Well that's a relief. But that doesn't get you off the hook yet lady, you still haven't answered me."

"It's because..." She took a second before continuing. "I was the one who summoned you!"

Roman narrowed his eyes. "You did WHAT!?"

Her passive face switched to a smile. "Yeah, I did! But I do believe that something had gone wrong and it probably sent you somewhere else, yet you're somehow here!"

"Listen, this whole thing just sounds ridiculous! You aren't even sure that I'm the guy you're looking for!"

She shook her head again. "No, I'm right! You fit the description perfectly and that cutie mark you have matches the one on my summoning circle! You can see that I'm right if you follow me back at my place!"

"Wait, you've seen my mark?"

"While you were busy, I checked after I saw you!"

Roman stumbled back a little, his grip on his cane loosened. "By the brothers above! Does personal space not mean anything to you?"

"Brothers above? Are they like Celestia and Luna of your world?" She asked and ignored his original question.

A hoof found itself on Roman's face as he started to feel a little annoyed. At first he thought she was a threat, but nope, she was just some unicorn wizard of some sort who was meddling with things she may or may not understand.

"You know what? I'm leaving, don't follow me." With that said, Roman walked away from the unicorn.

"Hey, wait up!" She called out to him as she followed behind. "I have some more questions about your world! What's it like!?"

"Terrible! Now leave me alone!"

Roman started walking faster, but Twilight had picked up her own pace.

Roman looked back with a frown. He attempted to just fly off, but no matter how much he flapped his wings, he couldn't get himself off the ground. That's when he noticed the strange purple glow on his wings, he looked back at the mare and noticed her horn was glowing as well. His frown deepened into a scowl.

He held his cane with one wing and got on four hooves and started running. He dashed off and turned a corner, hoping to lose the mare in his tracks. But much to his disappointment, she was still behind him.

"Wait!"

His teeth were clenched even tighter. So he needed to act smart.

Roman looked ahead and saw a flower stand. He slowed down just a little so Twilight could be close enough. She showed no sign of slowing down which what Roman needed. Once he was just a few feet away from the stand, Roman drew his cane and pointed it towards the side as he skidded to a halt.

Twilight was just next to him when he stopped and Roman's plan had sprung into action as she tripped on his cane and flew right into the stand. Roman grinned as he took off into the sky now that he was free from Twilight's hold.

"See ya Sparks!" Roman mocked her as he flew away.

Roman could see an apple orchard in the distance as he soared through the sky. With his original objective in mind, he silently glided over. And Roman was hoping that the whole run with Twilight was ignored by other people. He doesn't need any curious ponies asking questions. Especially one that was only interested in his world.

But the fact that she was the reason that Roman was even here had really stuck on his mind. It meant that she had ripped him out of the afterlife and threw him into this world. Right in front of Trixie. He was glad about that, as well as bringing him back to life. And even though she saved him from death, Roman will not just talk about his home, unless he gets something in return.

So until he could think of something to ask for, he'll stay as far as he could from the unicorn.

But just as he was enjoying his time in the air, something heavy had landed on his back and before Roman could even react, he was sandwiched between the heavy object and the ground below. It happened so quickly that Roman couldn't do anything at all.




The ponies stared upon the golden statue of Celestia that just came out of the sky. A few guards as well as two cops were bewildered that such a thing had happened on a Sunday, a day where Derpy would not be working at.

"Is it Monday or something? And who ordered a large statue of princess Celestia anyways?" One guard asked the others.

"No, it's still Sunday. You think this came from Canterlot itself?"

"Now why would it come from Canterlot?"

The guard shrugged his shoulder. "My cousin got attacked by some science project from that magic school. So I'm pretty sure some kid had accidentally teleported a statue."

"Can we... sell it?"

"Excuse me!" The guards halted their series of questions and looked over to their side to find Twilight Sparkle standing there. "Have you seen a white pegasus with an orange mane in a bowler hat?"

"Oh yeah, witnesses say that he was flying around the area." The guard answered.

"Really? Which way did he go?"

Every guard present pointed their hooves towards the statue. "Down." The guards spoke at the same time.

"What!? Why aren't you guys helping him!?"

"Ma'am, we're the Iron Legion, we only help who's alive. And seeing as he got buried into the ground by our princess, it is out of our jurisdiction. But we are waiting for someone to come and remove the statue so the clean up crew could scrape what's left of your friend off the ground."

Another guard nodded his head. "And you don't have to worry ma'am, we'll be here to comfort you for your friend's passing."

"This is terrible!" She cried out. "Now how am I going to prove that other universes exist!"

The guards gave her a strange look after, confused as to why that was her response after learning of someone's death.

Just then, the statue started to shake.

"Oh god, the statue is angry!" One bystander pointed at the statue.

"What does it want!?"

"It had the taste of blood, now it wants more!"

"Everypony calm down!"

And with a blinding flash, the statue was tossed aside as if it was nothing. And standing in its previous place was a pegasus whose clothes were covered in dirt. A look of frustration was on his face as he panted heavily.

"It's a miracle!" A different pony spoke amongst the crowd that gathered.

"He's alive, but how!?"

"He... He's the Messiah!"

"Of course! The statue came from the heavens itself to judge that guy, and he had passed!"

"Our lord and savior have returned! We will finally be free of evil!"

"I'm not some kind of saint Oum damn it!" Roman nearly screamed at them. "Who in the world threw this thing at me!?"

The guard sighed. "Thank god he isn't dead, I don't care how as long as we don't have to do any paperwork."

Another guard nodded. "Alright, everypony go back to minding your own businesses! Nothing to see here."

The crowd slowly but surely dispersed, since they didn't really wish to oppose the guards. And Roman was glad that not a single one even recognized him.

"We are happy to see that your friend is alright ma'am, but we better get going. Alright men, let's take this statue and put it to good use!"

With that, the guards and the two cops had left with the golden statue. Leaving Roman with the last pony he would ever be with.

Before he could even run, his body became rigid and he was unable to move at all. "Gotcha!" Twilight quickly approached the thief with a quill and a notepad, an eager smile was present on her face. "Now, how did you get out of that unscathed!?"

Roman remained silent.

"Um, excuse me?" She tried to make him speak, but Roman was defiant. "Um, sir..."

Roman only glared at her, not saying a single word at all.

"Um... mister..."

"Pumpkin. Jack." He finally spoke, but he spoke as if he had something disgusting on his tongue.

"Oh, Pumpkin Jack... Will you answer some questions for me, please?"

"No." A very straight forward answer.

"But..."

"I will only tell you everything that I know until you give me something. First would be how you summoned me, and the second, we will talk about it after. These are my demands. Now tell me."

Seeing that there was no problem at all, she decided to tell him what she knows. "A few days ago, I discovered a spell through dimensions. I ran a few tests and managed to bring some interesting creatures, but none were intelligent as you and I."

"So you brought me to this world because you wanted something that could talk. But how did you know that it was me?"

"Because I saw what you looked like, a creature with no hair on their face that stood on two legs. What really showed me that it was you was your cutie mark, and back at the library is the exact same symbol carved on the summoning circle. As to why you were summoned somewhere else instead of on the circle, I don't know what happened, everything was exactly the same as previous tests."

"I see..." Roman muttered to himself.

"What's your second demand?"

Roman paused for a minute, silent as a statue and frozen like one too. Then his mouth opened to speak. "I want to eat meat."

Twilight's eyes widened.

"I'll tell you only this information until I get what I want. I used to be something called a human, and my kind are omnivores. And trust me, I have been here only a few days and I already missed the taste of meat. So my second demand is: Bring me a spell that would allow me to have an omnivorous diet. And then I'll talk." He grinned sadistically as he watched her squirm in place. "You're a unicorn who managed to bring me here, I know you can do it."

Seconds past as Twilight comprehended his demand. She thought about it for a while. It seems that Roman was serious with his wish to be an omnivore. He didn't even ask her to turn him back into a "human". No, he asked for the ability to devour other creatures. This was truly disturbing.

She couldn't do anything at all, she tried to think of ways to change his mind, but she couldn't think straight as she stared into his eye.

It was uncomfortable, the way he stared at her. As if he was judging her very soul.

"Fine." She whispered as she released Roman from her magic.

Roman walked past her once he was free, not even giving Twilight a single glance as marched away from her.

Not a single word was said as Roman parted ways with Twilight. He was still peeved off after getting crushed by a statue. So when she just held him in place, Roman became quite angry. He was mad that she cared more about his stupid home instead of him, sure he wasn't hurt, but Roman hated that she chose to satisfy her curiosity first. At least Roman had gotten some answers from this whole ordeal. And who knows, maybe she would be able to find a way to make him an omnivore with no problem, hopefully.

Of course, he could have asked for something else. Roman could try and take full advantage of her skills, but there are still some risks that even Roman is afraid to take. 

As for Twilight, she had started to wonder if she had done something wrong to bring such a person to her world. And a small part of her started to question if she should leave the pegasus free to walk on Ponyville. There was definitely something about him that made her skin crawl. All she could do for now was see if she could give Roman what he had demanded. Truly a bizarre demand. And maybe then he would be able to tell her everything.

Roman just hoped that his day was going to be better. All he needed to do was go to Applejack's place and lay low for a while, but nope, Twilight just had to be a bothersome mare. Sometimes he just wished that people would just stick to reading books or other junk.

"I really need a drink."