Dearest Princess Twilight,
I write to inform you of a high crime committed against me: grand theft of a priceless payload. A thief, I insist, stole my heart. If you seek further proof, I have painstakingly enumerated the evidence against this deranged criminal.
First, the suspect: a young alicorn mare with a heart-melting smile, dreamy giggle, and a phenomenal taste in friends. This mystery mare entered my life the better part of a decade ago – no doubt plotting her crime from our friendship’s inception – and a few weeks ago delivered a kiss on my lips in my own home.
I did nothing to warrant such a kiss, but coming from lips like that, I burned to kiss her back – evidence that her amorous corruption of my sense of judgement had completed. Thus I add corruption and conspiracy to the charges I press against her. Preferably in bed, speaking of what I would like to press against her.
Truly, this mare must be punished for daring to interrupt my single life of self-loathing, sexual repression, and romance novels. I managed just fine before she had the audacity to question my internalized bigotry and the allure to force me to answer.
Indeed, this cunning, beautiful, intelligent, adorable, and frankly magical mare is now convinced she is my marefriend, mostly because I told her as much after kissing her right before we made love. She deserves to punished for a crime so heinous, ideally with a fine of no fewer than five dozen kisses, which I am willing to administer per my civic duty.
I also humbly request that she bring me hoof-in-hoof to the snootiest Canterlot socialite ball she can find, if only to ensure her punishment serves as a deterrent to the population, a warning that no matter how much disdain they might feel towards ponies of different inclinations, self-acceptance is beautiful and love will prevail. Ideally – to ensure the punishment is maximized – she would be put in the humiliating position of telling my former idols that the Princess of Friendship is bisexual and dating a mare.
Do make sure you really enunciate the “mare”, really get some m’s in there. Then you can mention I’m trans, and if they have problem with trans ponies, they’ll have to deal with you.
I mean her, of course.
I contend this mare is one of the finest I have ever laid eyes on, and one of the warmest I’ve had the privilege to befriend, not to mention the prettiest I’ve dated. Also the only one, but none of those scoundrels need to know that.
In fact, she is such a charmer that you may feel ill-equipped to punish her adequately. If so, I insist the matter be escalated to Princess Cadence – neigh, the Royal Sisters themselves must intervene to catch this bandit. Preferably by sending embarrassing photos from her fillyhood. (My return label is attached for your convenience.)
I implore you to rectify this situation at once, Princess. I have every confidence in your success.
Love,
Rarity Belle Sparkle
P.S. I bought handcuffs like you asked, darling. Are we still on for 9pm at my place?