To a Horrible Leader Who Bucks Her Sister,
Well once again some ponies down here are proving how truly unworthy of living they are. Here recently, that Cheese kid wound up running away from home. His idiot mom, even worse of an idiot dad and those useless Cake twins were too distraught to go looking for him so guess who had to go searching for him? If you picked me and my acquaintances, you are correct.
I first asked them why the hell they didn't go ask Bright Bitch for help since she is perfect at everything but it was a Sunday and they know about her schedule and the spa twins told them to go to hell because Bright Beam was "busy." That fucking little whore just had to cause me to be inconvenienced. Well we all headed into the Everfree Forest because we thought that is where he would be. It took us forever but we finally found him in that tree house thing that those loser students grew and get this, he was surrounded by cockatrices and they turned him to stone.
Now I wanted to simply say, "Fuck this shit" and go home but my acquaintances just had to go back to town and find Silverstream since she knows how to communicate with those things. Now she was busy doing something at the school but we got her to join us on this quest. Well she got the things to turn that Cheese kid back and we headed home.
Now when I hauled that bratty, ovelry hyper foal home, his parents wanted to throw a party. I want to know something, does ADHD run in that family or what? Whatever it is, I had no desire to stay for a party ran by three mental defects....no make that five because those Cake twins seem really fucked up in the head too. Anyway, once I got done with things I simply headed home but I would be equally as pissed when I learned that Spike was visiting Sweetie Belle because Rarity was in town so I had to cook my own food. Now I think that warrants Spike being traded in for a newer, obedient model. He is my slave and he should not be running off to get laid when I need him here to do things that are beneath me! Now I demand that you go find a dragon egg for me to hatch or I quit!
Needing a New Dragon,
Luster Dawn
Dear Luster Bitch,
Oh good grief, you write me to tell me something this trivial? Ok, I get it, you had to go out and do something that would be beneath Bright Beam but remember this, I own you and doing lowly shit like that is your job! Even though Pinkie's kid is just as much of a mental defect as his mother and father (who STILL owes money in fines), I am glad the six, well seven of you, were able to get that kid fixed and taken back home.
What a shame those cockatrices didn't turn you to stone. Had they done so, I would have left you encased in it for a few years and let the birds shit all over you before getting one of those things to free you. Also, just because you think Spike should be catering to your every need does not mean he has to. With Rarity being in town, it is perfectly fine that he ran off and likely got laid.
Oh and regarding Spike, he is not a stagecoach and you can't trade him in. I don't know how many times my mom told me that when he would fuck up in one way or another but I'm telling you the same thing and FYI, finding dragon eggs is beneath my sister and I so that ain't our problem. He isn't perfect and he knows that you aren't deserving of him catering to your every need and you need to realize the same thing. Now I would tell you to go see the spa twins but they only give their loving to Bright Beam so you'll just have to hoof yourself or go find Diamond Tiara to unwind with. Now I will say this, "damn it sucks to be you!"
Your Owner,
Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle
Dear Twilight,
I had always heard what a meany-mean hooves that Luster Dawn is and she proved it when she and her acquaintances had to go and find Little Cheese! As you know, they found Little Cheese but then she was a total bitch and declined our invitation to a "You found Little Cheese" party. She said something about what a bitch you are and that she wanted some real food and headed home. Oh well, putting up with her would have made it the most un-fun party ever.
Glad Little Cheese is Home,
Pinkie Pie
Dear Pinkie,
Guess what, I don't care that your bratty foal ran away from home. In an ideal world he would have been eaten by timberwolves but I guess we can't win them all. Now for you needing the services of my shit for brains protege and her equally as horrible acquaintances, I am hereby fining you 5,000 bits. I am also adding a 500 bit fine for inconveniencing me with having to write you back and 90 cents for the postage. Now pay up or I'm taking that kid of yours away because you are a horrible mother.
Now I do have a bone to pick with that deadbeat husband of yours. You see, he still owes the ERS 300,000 bits from the amount my sexy mom fined him. Now I have learned that his factory has yet to reduce its carbon emissions by 95% so that will be another 200,000 bit fine. Fun thing is, that is just off of my mom's fine! What I want is a zero emission factory so this will be another 250,000 bit fine. As of right now, I am ordering that factory of his shut down until he can get it to zero emissions. Also, a lot of the stuff produced there is STILL winding up in landfills and will probably take 10,000 years at least to biodegrade. Now I am ordering that all products made there be biodegradable to where they will last no longer than 50 years in a landfill. Failure to comply with that will be another 200,000 bit fine, PER ITEM!
Also, I am fining him 1,000 bits for inconveniencing me and taking me away from much important things, such as sisterly bonding with my hot to trot sister. I am also fining you 90 cents for the postage. No pay up in one week or I'm seizing that kid of yours and pawning him off on Luster. You certainly don't want your precious Little Cheese being raised by my bitchy protege now do you?
Fining You a Lot of Money,
Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle
P.S. Oh and Pinkie, I am also fining you another 100 bits because "un-fun" is not a word. Next time you write me, make sure you don't use made up words because the next fine will be 1,000 bits!