I Wish I Was
The door slammed open as Dinky entered the house, her light gold mane dripping wet and draped over her eyes. Her bright violet coat glistened in the sun, her eyes glaring at Ditzy, who stood in the kitchen, her mouth wide open and both her eyes, for once, looking straight back at Dinky.
Ditzy looked at her daughter with a troublesome expression. “What happened?”
“Some foals tossed me in the river again! Calling me a wall-eyed freak foal!”
Ditzy looked at her daughter’s forlorn face, trying to find the right words. “Pay them no mind, Dinky. Those foals are just taking their pain out on somepony who doesn’t deserve it.”
Dinky’s eyes shot up and glared at Ditzy. She hissed as she stomped up to her room. “I wish you were normal, so I wouldn't get bullied. I wish I had a normal mom instead of you!”
As Dinky slammed her door shut, she heard her mother muttering in the hallway. “Remember, Dinky, smile... and the world smiles back to you.”
Dinky sat in her room, glaring angrily at the door. “Stupid Mom! It’s her fault I get bullied. Why can’t she just be normal?”
She trotted back and forth in her room. “I’m bored! I don’t wanna’ go down; Mom will probably scold me... stupid Mom.”
She sat down and pondered a little, starting to weave a cunning plan in her head. “Maybe... maybe if I go up to the loft and find something from when I was younger, she won’t scold me!”
She gently opened the door, with ears perked up and straining for the sounds of hooves. She heard faint rustling from the kitchen, followed by the crash of a pan hitting the floor.
Smirking to herself, she silently moved towards the loft.
The loft was stacked with crates and old items, most of them piled up at the far end. Under the window there was one crate, placed in a corner all on its own.
Dinky walked over to it, squinting to try and see better. She let out a small huff, coughing as dust filled the air around her. Light streamed in as she opened up the window, illuminating the crate. On the side of it, it was painted with big blue letters ‘Old Stuff’.
Opening the crate, she saw a small diary. It was beige with black details. It swung open as she lifted it up, the lock falling away in bits. She skimmed through some pages, reading something about a colt coming into town to apologise, and how he stayed for a week or so.
“Booooring! Isnt there anything interesting in here about my Mom?”
She stopped as she read the headline ‘My Little Dinky’.
“Well... this is interesting. Why would Mom write about that?”
*~*~*~*
I finally got home from the hospital, exhausted, but happy. I finally had a purpose, a little blessing had come to me. I worry though... how I will cope with this alone? My knight in shining armor is nowhere to be found. I wish he was here, to see what a beautiful miracle we have made. For now, while I wait for his return, I will do my best to care for my little Dinky.
She is the only one I have, no one came to visit me at the hospital. Not even my father, maybe he’s afraid that my daughter will be the same as me? An abomination, his ideals wrecks the hope I have for my daughter. How could someone be so cold, to not wanting to see his own granddaughter; or even visit his own daughter at the hospital? All I would have needed was to see that he actually cared a little bit for me, just a small smile from somepony else than me. A smile to show me comfort, a smile to show pride, a smile from my father, towards my daughter. But I got nothing, not even a letter. Maybe if I didn't have these eyes, I would be loved by him, maybe if I had a special talent, he would approve of me.
With little Dinky in my life, I do not need his approval, as long as I manage to do right by my daughter, I will be happy.
*~*~*~*
Dinky struggled to switch pages. They felt as though they had dried together, and some of the letters had smudged. But only around certain small spots...
She felt an uneasy void in her stomach. She had wondered why she never had seen her grandfather. Did he really look at them as abominations? Who was he to judge? He had never seen her, never taken a step to try to meet his own granddaughter.
Dinky looked around, spotting one of her old plushies. Gently placing it next to herself, She hugged it tight to her chest. Her thoughts wandered off to a familiar scene; her curled up against her mother's side, as they both read from one of those old picture books. Sighing, Dinky turned her eyes back to the diary.
With some careful tinkering she managed to get the pages apart, and she continued.
*~*~*~*
Today, my daughter finally moved on all fours. I’m so happy I was there to see it! She even let go of a small glee as she finally made it all the way over to me. It made me so happy to see her smile towards me, she fell asleep in my hooves the moment I lifted her up from the floor. She snored happily with a smile on her face.
I can’t stop my mind to wander off while I lay here feeding her. What will become of my Dinky? I cannot afford a babysitter, and I soon need to start working again. I can’t let her be home alone, but still I need some bits to support us.
Until she stops drinking milk, it will be fine. I can find food some other way, I can eat the grass outside. It’s not the best, but for Dinky I will do it, and till that time comes, I will have figured out a way to support us.
I wonder if I would be a better mother if I wasn't such a klutz, I would be able to get a better job, and even provide for a babysitter. Maybe buy her things, right now she does not have anything than the used bed the hospital was kind enough to give us. I wish I could buy her everything.
*~*~*~*
Dinky stared at the diary. Her eyes glistened, and she felt tears tickle down her cheeks. A gust of wind found its way through the open loft-window, shifting her mane to the side. She shivered as the cold nipped at her.
She sighed, and sniffled as she muttered to herself. “I never knew, Mom... I didn’t know I was such a burden.”
She stood up to close the window, looking out she saw one of her bullies sitting under a tree, alone. Dinky stared at him, enraptured by the sight of him sitting there. By himself. She felt an uneasy chill in her middle as she kept staring at him. She turned around and muttered.
“Maybe Mom was right. Maybe he is hurting on the inside?”
She shook her head, ridding herself of that uneasy feeling. She sat down in front of the book again. Taking a moment to clear her eyes, she aimed them at the book and continued to read.
*~*~*~*
Today, I followed Dinky to her first day at school, there were a lot of foals there. All of them smiling, overjoyed to meet other foals to play with. I was happy to see my little Dinky getting along with a few other foals, making some friends. I’m happy to see her have the life I wish I could have had. I do see some of the other mares snicker towards me, looking to see if my daughter have the same disfunktion as I. Looking for a way to hurt me and my daughter. I won’t let them see it though, my daughter deserves better.
I had to take a new route on at my work to be able to buy her books, I don’t mind though, the smile she made when I gave her the books is worth it all. But I mustn't show her how tired I am, I would work day and night to give her what she deserves.
Sometimes my mind wanders off to him, I really wish he was here. It would probably make everything a little easier, to have one to share everything with. Maybe if I wasn’t me, he would be here for Dinky?
Maybe our life would become easier if I wasn’t me? If I was normal, maybe I wouldn't worry about how my daughter would grow up. Worry about how she is treated by other mares because of me.
I wish I was... normal.
*~*~*~*
As Dinky closed the diary, she felt a painful void grow in her chest. She heaved for air. Tears landed on the wooden floor, flowing freely from her chin.
“I never knew... “
Dinky stood in the door to the kitchen, looking at her mother sitting there, picking the food slowly with her hoof. She let out a small sigh as a tear found a path down her cheek.
“Mom... “
Dinky’s ears folded backwards, she stopped in her path to find the right words. Her voice was cracking, overridden by guilt.
“I’m sorry Mommy, I-I didn't mean what I said... P-please don’t be sad.”
Dinky’s head tilted down towards the floor, she heard a faint squeak followed by a muffled noise of hooves hitting wood. She felt her mother's hooves around her. She sobbed into her light gray coat, not trying to hide how bad she felt. She let it all out in small screams.
They sat like that on the floor for a good time. It felt like time stood still. The illusion was broken as her mother whispered into her ear.
“Don’t cry, Dinky. We all make mistakes from time to time. Sometimes... unfortunately for me... being me is mine.”
Dinky buried her muzzled against her mother's neck, sniffling as she snuggled Ditzy as hard as she could. "You're not a mistake, Mommy..."