The next hour passed in a hazy blur for Twilight. Spike had gently guided her back to the secret room in the Library and gotten her settled down on the pile of pillows. He had talked to her every here and there, and she knew she’d responded, but for the life of her, she just could not remember what they talked about. The memories were being overshadowed by the disgust clawing at her heart.
“That was so STUPID of me!” she internally chastised herself for what must have been the millionth time. “Princess Luna warned me! She TOLD me not to listen to her! She would know, she’s been here before!”
She gave off a long, tired sigh and buried her face into the pillows, trying to chase the cold in her chest away with her own body heat. She felt Spike’s claw resting on her shoulder, giving a firm, reassuring squeeze. “It’s okay, Twilight. When we get home, we’ll get you some help. You’ll be fine, I know it.”
Twilight shivered at the idea. Getting help? Was she really at a point where she needed that now? Or had she ever gotten back to a place where she didn’t? For all of the time she had spent without her memories, she needed Rainbow and Spike to help her figure herself out. Maybe, in the warmth of the moment, she had just assumed that getting her memories back would be the moment where she could totally go back to her old self.
It would have been childish to think everything could go back to normal so easily. No… she was simply at a place where she could start to recover. Clearly, though, she couldn’t do that alone. She needed help, and she knew it, no matter how much it stung to admit it; even to herself.
Twilight was pulled from her grim musings by the sound of approaching hooves. She lifted her head with a start as Thorax and Fluttershy walked into the room, grim expressions on their faces.
Twilight leaned forward. “Guys. Did you find her?”
Thorax sighed and shook his head. “No. We didn’t. Spiracle was always an expert infiltrator. If she doesn’t want to be found, we’re not gonna find her…” he said, scuffing the floor with a hoof.
“And it’s still dark outside,” Fluttershy added, glancing out through the nearby window. “And it’s not safe in the forest, especially at night… It would be safer to wait until the sun’s up before we look for her out there.”
Twilight’s ears drooped. “...Oh,” she exhaled, looking away. Another shiver ran through her body. She curled up into the pillows in a futile effort to chase away the chill.
Spike tapped his claws together pensively. “Um… so, what do we do now?” he asked slowly.
Thorax sighed and sat down with his back to the wall. “Ugh. We wait until sunrise, I guess…” he said in defeat. Twilight could imagine he had argued to try and chase Spiracle into the woods already, only for Fluttershy to shoot the idea down out of fear for his safety.
Speaking of Fluttershy, the pegasus came up to Twilight’s side and settled down beside her. “Um… when that happens, Twilight… I think we should take you home,” she whispered, carefully draping a wing over Twilight’s back.
Twilight’s eyes widened. “W-what? But…” she protested weakly before gesturing out the door. “The books! We still haven’t finished-”
Fluttershy narrowed her eyes, and Twilight’s words died in her throat. The pegasus spoke a second later, her voice firm and leaving no room for argument. “Twilight. You are not okay. Ever since we got here, you’ve been getting more and more agitated and irritable. Being here, clearly, is not the right thing for you right now. So I am going to take you back home to Rainbow Dash, and then we are going to figure out how to help you.”
Twilight stared at Fluttershy for a few moments, slack-jawed. Now Fluttershy was insisting they get her help. Was it really that bad…?
“What do you think?” Her own voice asked in a deadpan.
Twilight swallowed heavily. “You’re in my head, aren’t you?”
“You talk as if that’s new.”
“Maybe it’s not. But you didn’t talk until recently.”
The voice gave off a hum, but did not carry the discussion any farther. Twilight visibly relaxed with relief as it backed off. She leaned into Fluttershy’s side, taking what comfort she could in the pegasus’ presence. “Fluttershy, I… I don’t know… I want to find Spiracle, too. I want to apologize to her…”
Fluttershy offered her a comforting nuzzle. “And you will… just as soon as Thorax finds her and brings her back.”
“Hm. I guess,” Twilight relented. But as much as she paid lip service to that plan, something about it just rang hollow inside of her…
A few seconds passed before a big yawn from Spike drew all eyes to him. He looked around once he realized everyone was staring, a blush forming on his cheeks. “Uhuh… sorry. We kinda got up earlier than I was expecting…”
Thorax chuckled weakly at that before looking to the window. “Well, we’ve still got a couple hours until sunrise… might as well get some more rest, huh? Especially if you’re all heading back to Ponyville.”
Fluttershy nodded. “Right. Good idea,” she agreed before nodding down to Twilight. “You, too.”
“Heh. Yes, mom,” Twilight replied, finding the strength to crack a joke thanks to Spike’s little display.
Fluttershy tsked a few times with a shake of her head. “Ah ah ah, none of that cheek, young lady!” she said in a faux stern voice.
Spike rolled his eyes. “Oh, please, what are you gonna do to stop her?”
“Don’t ask her that,” Thorax interjected, shuddering in his shell at some unsettling memory. “Trust me. You don’t wanna know.”
Fluttershy nodded in approval at him, her smile growing wider.
Twilight’s expression blanked. There was an implication there she was not entirely sure she wanted to explore.
Spike, however, had no such reservations. He scratched the side of his head with a raised eyebrow. “Wait, what does that mean?” he asked.
Thorax winced before curling up on the ground and closing his eyes. “Get some sleep,” he instructed simply, clearly not wanting to keep that discussion going.
Spike was starting to look worried, now, his claws tapping over his chest faster than before. “What does she do? Thorax?!” he asked, waddling a few paces over to the changeling. “Come on, tell me!”
Fluttershy giggled before lowering her head to the blankets. “Let him sleep, Spike. He’s really worn himself out from all the running around we did,” she instructed quietly. “Come lay down. You need sleep, too.”
Spike looked between them for a few seconds before sighing and nodding. “Oh, okay. But he’s gonna tell me what you’d do one of these days!” he decided, most likely a fatal mistake, before hopping over and retaking his position under Twilight’s wing.
Twilight managed to give off a quiet laugh at that before closing her eyes as well. She felt the two adjust a few times to get more comfortable before they all fell still, and the room fell into silence. Twilight took a deep breath, savoring the warmth of her long time friend and baby dragon, eager to get some more sleep. Who knew? Maybe some rest would do her some good, especially if a certain somepony didn’t screw with her dreams.
Sadly, sleep did not come for her. Even as the others fell sound asleep around her, filling the air with insectoid chitters, draconic snores, and equine breaths, Twilight was unable to follow them. The warmth afforded by Fluttershy and Spike soon began to lose meaning against the cold feeling of shame that had set up shop in her chest, digging a nice, spacious hole for itself.
The worst part, however, was the fear. Once or twice, she felt herself starting to doze off, only for the memory of her nightmares to snap her back to wakefulness with no mercy whatsoever. They were always so vivid and clear, and she never knew that she was dreaming until she at last awoke.
Eventually, she gave up on getting back to sleep and opened her eyes. It was still dark out, though the first hints of light could be seen creeping up on the horizon. The sun would be up, soon. When it rose, Fluttershy and Spike would take her back to Ponyville, while Thorax would stay behind to find Spiracle and bring her to Ponyville in order to talk to Rainbow. Twilight could apologize to her then, right…?
She shivered again. Why couldn’t she be happy with that outcome? Why couldn’t she just go with it? She had already ruined the situation here more than enough, so what was stopping her from accepting what was most likely the best course of action?
Her eyes fell, a solemn frown splitting her muzzle. “Because it isn’t what I want, is it?” she thought to herself. “What good will my apologies be worth if I wait that long? If I let her come to me? What will that prove? What will that do? As far as she’ll be concerned, I’ll have just capitalized on a moment where we were around each other to save face… and really? She will be absolutely right…”
“Who cares?” The voice asked, sounding just as tired as Twilight felt. “Spiracle is a changeling. And in case you forgot Thorax’s testimony, she was the one who kicked off the attack on Canterlot by bringing word of your absence to Chrysalis. That entire disaster is her doing.”
“No, it wasn’t,” Twilight thought back, too tired to even shout in her mind. “It was Chrysalis’. She was their leader, and it was her decision to make in the end. Spiracle was just following orders, like Thorax. And just like him, she has deserted from the Hive.”
“Pfft. Do you really believe that?”
“If you’re a part of me as you keep claiming, then go ahead. Tell me I don’t.”
There were several long seconds of silence before the voice scoffed in irritation. “Alright, fine, I’ll give you that one.”
Twilight’s lips curled up into a small smile. “Wow, really? I didn’t realize you had the ability to admit defeat.”
“And what does that say about you?”
Twilight’s smile grew, and she slowly pushed herself up to her hooves. “That I don’t give up. Not on what I believe in.”
“We call that character trait ‘stubborn,’” the voice mocked.
“And we call you ‘schizophrenia,’” Twilight shot back without missing a beat.
“Cute. Also inaccurate,” the voice snarked. “But let’s roll with the notion that Spiracle isn’t lying to you, for now. So what? She committed horrible war crimes by enabling the queen to launch her invasion. And I am certain you remember the awful trauma you and the ponies you love had to endure because of it. She’s a criminal. She’s an enemy. If nothing else, she should face trial for her crimes, shouldn’t she?”
Twilight frowned, hesitating. Her first instinct was to point Thorax out as an example, but he had been a special case. He had been supplying them with intel and advice on how to fight back against Chrysalis the entire time he had been with them, not to mention actively assisting their every effort. He had been a staunch ally from the moment he arrived in Ponyville with Wind Whisper.
There was no conflict like that now, though. Equestria was at peace, and all but recovered from Chrysalis’ invasion. There was still some residual damage leftover in some of the larger cities that got hit—mostly Canterlot—but that was it.
“Exactly,” the voice went on. “If Thorax finds her, she needs to be punished for what she did, and for doing nothing to prevent it. Her coming here seeking asylum was an act of desperation, nothing more. She isn’t our ally, she isn’t our guide, and she is not our friend!”
Twilight grit her teeth behind her lips. A few moments later, though, a small smile spread on her face. “No, she isn’t… but that doesn’t mean she can’t become one.”
With that, Twilight carefully slipped away from the mound of pillows. She heard Spike and Fluttershy stirring behind her, but thankfully, they did not wake. She sneaked across the room on the tips of her hooves, casting furtive glances at the others every few steps to ensure they did not wake to stop her. As soon as she was out of the room, she unfurled her wings and flew out of the library.
“Where do you think you’re going?” the voice asked.
“To find Spiracle,” Twilight replied, out loud this time. “I’m going to find her, apologize for what I did, and I am going to bring her back into the castle so we can sort all of this out. And this time, I am not going to listen to anything you have to say about it!”
“After everything you’ve endured?!” the voice snapped, the sharpness in its voice causing Twilight to briefly falter in the air. “After the agony of losing your life, your memories, and your sanity, because of what those creatures did, you still plan to help it?!”
“Yes, I do!” Twilight replied, pressing on.
“Why?! Why do you care about her, anyway?!”
“Because somepony has to!” Twilight snapped, pumping her wings harder. “And because it’s the right thing to do! I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I hurt her just out of petty spite! Changeling or not, she’s hurting, too, and I am not going to feed that anymore!”
“You’re making a mistake…”
“Maybe I am, but this time it’s my mistake to make, not yours.”
“Tch. Fine. Have it your way. Just don’t come crying to me if she stabs you in the back.”
“She won’t.”
“And how do you know that?”
Twilight took a deep breath, a small, serene smile appearing on her face. “...Because Thorax trusts her,” she said softly. “And I trust him.”
“That isn’t exactly a compelling argument.”
“Miles better than anything you can suggest.”
To that, the voice did not have any comebacks, thankfully. Twilight breathed a sigh of relief as merciful silence filled her head once more, allowing her to focus on the task ahead of her.