“Okay, I’m back from town hall with the jobs,” Snickers announced from the doorway into the Clubhouse. Five fillies looked up from their drawings at him. “And no, Bloom, I didn’t swear even once.”
“Well, good on ya. See, Silver,” Apple Bloom said giving a firm earth pony punch to the silver filly’s foreleg that scooted Silver a couple inches away, “he’s gettin’ nicer ta the townsponies from bein’ around us.”
Silver rubbed the soon to be bruise that would have seriously hurt a non-earth pony. “Well, I’m sure we’re all doing our fair share with him.”
“Well, we’re not getting our cutie marks in waiting or coloring,” Scootaloo griped and stood, stretching like a cat. “So, what jobs did you get us to try?”
“I still don’t see why you need to try to get jobs to get your cutie marks,” Diamond said around the crayon in her mouth, “just do what you like. Apple Bloom can dig holes for trees, Scootaloo can be a nice ceiling fan, Sweetie Belle can be a marshmallow mascot, and Snickers can live in the forest and make puppies for the lost little foals to take home.”
She looked up and her smirk widened at the distasteful looks she was getting. “What, too close to home?”
“Apple Bloom, can I swear at her?” Snickers asked. Apple Bloom covered her ears with her forehooves, squeezed her eyes tightly, then began to hum.
She felt small thuds as hooves stomped the floor and after some time passed and she had fallen into the songs flowing through her mind, she was nudged twice.
“Huh, is it over?” Apple Bloom asked and looked at Diamond Tiara’s back as she was being hugged by Scootaloo.
“You didn’t have to say that to her, you know,” Sweetie Belle said from beside Apple Bloom.
Silver was holding Snickers, who was trembling and looking out the window, a sniffle was his reply. “What’d Ah miss?”
Sweetie pat Apple Bloom on the back. “You’re lucky you didn’t have to hear any of that,” she said and clicked her tongue, “I might need soap just from hearing them go at it.”
Apple Bloom looked at the sad filly, then to the upset colt, then to Scootaloo, back towards Silver, who looked back at Apple Bloom and motioned with her head slightly towards Sweetie Belle.
“Okay, what in tarnation is goin’ on in here?” Applejack shouted from outside. “Ah could hear ya screamin’ like banshees on the wind from an acre away. And Ah know Ah heard some bad words in there,” she finished, walking into the room and stopping at the sight.
Applejack scratched her head just under the rim of her hat. “Well, wasn’t expectin’ this. What’s goin’ on here between y’all?”
Sweetie stood up and motioned for Apple Bloom to join her by her side. “Well, Diamond Tiara said some mean things and then Snickers was gonna say some bad words, so Apple Bloom covered her ears so she wouldn’t hear them.
“Then Snickers said something mean to Diamond about her attitude, and she said he was a jerk, and he said she jerked her dad, and she said he ate raw fishy pink tacos, and he said she was one, and I was really confused because tacos are good, and so are fish--”
Applejack moved and waved a forehoof quickly. “Now, don’t ya worry none about that talk. Ah can see a little spat went ‘n turned into a right fracas. Well, what’d’ya think we can do ta fix this, girls? A herd’s supposed ta work together, not split down the middle.”
“I.. I-I’m not in h-his h-h-erd,” Diamond stammered. “He’s just a big jerk and I don’t know how anypony could like him.”
“She’s a complete and total cu-” Snickers started but Silver’s foreleg wrapped around his head and her hoof muffled his mouth.
“He’s still upset, Miss Applejack. I know how to calm him down though,” Silver stated and turned him to face her. She puckered her lips and then blew a raspberry in his face. Snickers winced and felt droplets of moisture striking his face. When she stopped he opened his eyes and then snorted into a laugh.
“Ew, you got your germs all over me!”
“I’ll give you more if you don’t go apologize to Diamond Tiara, right now,” Silver said with a small smile. She held her forehoof to his cheek and turned his head to see Diamond. “You did go too far.”
Snickers got up and trod across the room to Diamond and Scootaloo. “Diamond, what I said about your mom and you wasn’t cool and I take it back. I know it was just kinda messin’ around at first, but I went too far and I hope you can forgive me.”
Snickers stood tall and waited as Diamond looked back to see him with Scootaloo moving aside. “That… really hurt my feelings,” Diamond said quietly, “but I forgive you. We’re friends, gay or not, and I guess I know you didn’t mean it. I’m sorry for what I said about you taking two stallions for six bits, I kinda set you off with that one.”
Snickers snickered. “You think? Just thinking of that vision with Scootaloo going all the way,” his tail lowered and his teeth clenched as the mental image entered his mind.
“Anyway,” Silver Spoon announced, “we have these job requests, right?”
All the attention was on the papers in Silver Spoon’s forehooves and Applejack was forgotten, watching for a few seconds as the herd regrouped after their adorable alpha stood like a stallion in front of one of his mares and accepted his mare’s advice, then resolved a very tense moment with words of kindness.
Ah declare, we’re gonna have one’a his foals workin’ on the farm, even if Ah have ta wait four years and slip a bad batch of herbs inta my sis’ estrus tea. Applejack felt angry at herself for such a thought. She turned to leave the foals to their jobs earning bits for candy and extra meals while she went to work a bit faster and harder as punishment for her bad thoughts.
“Okay girls, first up is,” Snickers said shuffling the notecards he’d made, “babysitting.”
…
“Get her, before she leaves the room!” Sweetie Belle shouted to Snickers, startling the week old baby she was holding on her lap that wasn’t taking the bottle she was trying to force upon it. It started crying, loudly.
“I’m on it,” Snickers replied and used his foreleg to scoop an infant filly from the floor too tightly; as he turned to look at the filly in his grip, she spit up on his face and neck. Snickers had never been so glad his mouth was closed, but he dropped the infant and wiped his face, smearing still fresh from the teat pony milk and mucous all over his face and muzzle. The filly started to cry loudly at the blinded colt.
Sweetie grimaced and looked over to Apple Bloom, who was changing a tiny colt’s diaper. “Apple Bloom, you got this. Nothing can go wrong with a diaper.”
Apple Bloom easily took off the old diaper and tossed it into the trash bin, then leaned over the colt to get some powder when she felt something warm on her neck. “What the-” she asked and looked to the right with her mouth open as the colt’s pee kept flowing.
Wildberry and Juniper hurriedly walked back into the house from the backyard, having nearly finished hanging the laundry when they heard a shriek, to the shock of seeing everything that had just occurred. “What the- I was outside for two minutes!”
Snickers was wiping his face on the underside of a silky slipcover protecting the couch, Apple Bloom was spitting and raspberrying at the floor making a wet spot, the colt was finished peeing and was patting the soggy fur on his chest.
It all came to a head when Scootaloo ran into the room with a pitcher of milk and three glasses. “I got it, hot milk! Just like it comes out of the teat. I only had to heat it for a minute until it was practically steaming.”
The mares took the infants back under their care and pointed to the front door. “I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to leave without pay for this mess.”
“Are you serious, Wildberry?! They should pay us, we have to clean this place up! Zip Line is covered with pee, the carpet! My lovely new carpet,” Juniper wailed and sat down, crying with the infants.
Wildberry glared at the CmC. “Please leave.”
Once outside the CmC looked at their flanks. “Hmph, didn’t want a babysitting cutie mark anyway. Babies are too much trouble, I don’t want one anymore if that’s what they’re like.”
“Scootaloo’s right. Diamond and Silver said they’d meet us at Silver’s house for the next job.”
“And what d’ya pick as the next job, Snickers?” Snickers held up the card to show Sweetie Belle. “Arrow collectors?” Sweetie Belle asked flatly.
“Yeah,” Snickers replied. “Silver’s parents shoot the arrows at the targets and when they’re done, we go get them and bring them back. Their butler’s too old to manage anymore, and he said something about his knee. How hard can it be?”
...
A bow let out another thwack and shortly after the arrow thudded into the target. “Ah, right good shot,” a unicorn Snickers didn’t care to remember the name of said. Snickers was paying more attention to the white earth pony with a silvery mane, just like his in color.
Silver Spoon stood off to his side and stomped her hooves on the ground. “Fabulous shot, father. A credit to the family name, two points to the Silvers. Score, eight to seven.”
The CmC were laying on the grass, waiting for the chance to collect arrows, but over the past forty minutes only Scootaloo had the chance to make the run.
“Thank you, Silver Spoon. You keep score as well as ever, would you care for a shot?”
“Father, may I?” Silver asked with surprise. The ponies sat up and watched as Silver was shown how to nock an arrow while her father held the bow. She loosed it and watched as it sailed over the target, landing in the soft grass and soil. “Oh, drat and tarnish,” she cursed and covered her mouth. “Father, I apologize for my language. I’ll go get the soap post haste,” she turned and was halted.
“Wait, Silver Spoon. You needn’t do that over something so inane. It’s perfectly understandable to be frustrated at missing your first target. Say, Blanket, what say a small wager to encourage my daughter’s aim? Say, ten bits she hits the target?”
“Father, you shouldn’t put such faith in me after I missed so.”
Snickers raised an eyebrow and looked back at the other fillies, then to Diamond Tiara and saw her lying on the ground as though she were asleep or resting with her forehooves covering her muzzle.
It’s a hustle. Clever girl.
Snickers watched Silver Spoon miss the target and stomp her hooves in frustration. “See, father. I’ve cost you money now, I’ll pay your debt from my own savings.”
Blanket chuckled and patted her head. “Don’t worry, my dear. I’ve come from Manehattan for the day to do business with your father. So, Golden Ladle, what do you say to a rematch? Best two of three?”
“How about two percent of the agreement? She hits the target and you’ll pay two percent for the next year, she misses and I will?”
“Well, certainly confidant in your daughter, aren’t you? Sure, I can use a little more savings for another rainy day.”
Golden Ladle set the bow while Silver clumsily nocked the arrow and took aim. Snickers was ready to see her hit the target dead center and was surprised when she barely skimmed the edge and got it to stick, dangling by a few strands of hay that reminded him that he was a bit hungry.
“Ha! Father, look! I did it! I really did it, I hit the target,” she giggled and pranced in a circle while the stallions chuckled.
“I say,” Blanket started, “a jolly good show from such a talented filly. You wouldn’t be trying to trick me out of some money, are you young filly?”
Silver didn’t hear him, grinning at the target with pride as she made her way to her friends. “Did you see that, Snickers? I totally got it, I made it onto the target! It was my first time using a real bow and arrow, aren’t you impressed?”
Snickers nodded. “Yeah, that was a really good shot. I’d never be able to hit that thing.”
“Oh-ho,” Golden shouted, “a colt with a little self doubt? Come, no money on the line; let’s see how you do.”
Snickers was about to protest when he thought of the odds he’d get another chance in the utopia of Equestria to use any weapon. He got up and hurried over. “Yeah, I’ll nail this thing like a hammer and nail. That sounded better in my head,” he said and the stallions laughed.
“Indeed, young stallion. Now, hold the arrow as such and pull back, aim with your eye down the arrow to the target and let it go. Simple as that.”
Snickers took aim and recalled training with a plasma cutter for scrap mining, once upon a time. A smile crossed his lips. “I can do this,” he said to himself. He did as instructed and let the arrow fly, Snickers moved to the side and watched the arrow strike the second ring, to his surprise. He whooped and hopped into the air, landing and running to the fillies.
“Did you see that?! My first shot ever with an arrow and it got on the target, can you believe it?”
Snickers was praised and hugged, a boof bump from Diamond was the last thing he got before he looked back at the proud stallions looking at him, filling him with a sense he couldn’t recall ever having; the pride of a male looking at him. At that moment he felt like he could hit the red bullseye like a master archer.
Golden nodded respectfully to Snickers and then set his bow down and waved to the targets. Sweetie Belle rushed to gather the arrows and returned them to the quivers equally before she went back to her spot to wait.
“Well, as much as I enjoy a good bit of sport, perhaps it’s time for us to talk business, Golden.”
Golden nodded in reply and took his coin purse from a bench and gave four bits to each of the CmC. “There you are, for a fine job showing patience and here’s an extra two bits for you, young sir. Take your future alpha mare out for a treat on me,” he winked and Snickers blushed while the fillies giggled and whispered to each other.
“Y-yes, Mister Spoon. Thank you, I’ll do that.”
“Good boy, now off with you,” Golden said.
…
“Well, we’re up to twenty four bits. Diamond didn’t do anything and Silver was family, not to mention the zero from babysitting,” Sweetie Belle tallied on a notepad. “So, what’s next since we didn’t get our marks in arrow collecting or shooting the bow and arrow for Snickers?”
Snickers looked at his cards and smiled. “Boxing packages at the post office.”
“Ha, that’s easy,” Scootaloo proudly said and ran to her scooter with her three club mates hopping on the wagon and donning their helmets. “Silver and Diamond, you can catch up, right?”
“Whatever, I’ll probably meet you at Sugarcube Corner for that treat you owe me,” Silver giggled, “and, I’m sorry about my father; I haven’t told him that I want to earn your love and not force you to be my stallion, because you’re not property.”
Snickers nodded to Silver and was pulled away by Scootaloo buzzing her wings to pull them to their next cutie mark attempt.
---
“Hi everypony. My name is Derpy and I’ll be teaching you how to put mail in boxes. First you stand here, then you put the stuff in a box, then you write who the box is for and where it’s going. Then you close the box and it seals itself. If you have any questions I’ll be on break at the Hayburger, see you in an hour.”
Derpy flew from the mailroom and left the four foals alone with flat boxes and two ponies at the counter. The CmC looked between one another and then everypony looked at Sweetie.
“What?” Sweetie Belle asked.
“You’re the best with money, so you should run the cash register," Snickers suggested. "Scootaloo can take the packages back here to me and Apple Bloom, and we’ll box them up. Okay?”
They took their places and Snickers looked at the flattened cardboard with Apple Bloom.
“Any idea how to make them into boxes?”
“Nope, but it can’t be too hard. They’re just cubes and probably fold easy into shape.”
“Okay, let’s try it.”
Together, they started with one box as a team and crushed it, literally. The next box they tore and set it aside; the following several boxes were equally unusable. “Well, if this ain’t the hardest part of the job Ah dunno what is. How in the hay are we supposed ta do this?”
“Hm, maybe there’s something we’re missing. Let’s try it on our own instead of as a team, maybe?” Snickers suggested. Separate they were able to turn a flat box into a rectangle, but they didn’t know how to close an end at first, finally managing and setting it on the table, ready for the items.
“Well, now we just wait fer the stuff, how long do ya think it’ll be?”
--
Scootaloo had a nice stack of items ready to ship behind the counter and Sweetie Belle was taking bits into the till at a steady pace with a professionalism that fit her very well. Soon the queue was empty from the afternoon rush and they both looked at the pile of stuff to be shipped.
“Great work, Sweetie. I’m sure you’ll get your cutie mark in sales at this rate.”
“Not unless you get your mark in package accepting. Now, let’s get these to the back for boxing and shipping out.”
The two started piling the items onto a cart and wheeled it back. “Here’s the first load,” Scootaloo stated and turned to leave with Sweetie pulling another cart, loaded full like the first.
Snickers smiled and took one of the items and looked at it. “A book about recipes for single mares? Okay, where’s it going?”
Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle stopped and looked at one another. “Uh-oh.”
Snickers slapped his forehoof to his head. “You didn’t ask where it’s going? Well, who dropped it off, so we can ask them?” Another beat of silence. “Okay, let’s just pack it and then we can worry about it later. We’ll just write what’s in the box and Derpy can help us figure it out.”
He placed the book in the box and put a lid on it, took a piece of paper, then wrote on it: Recipe Book.
“There, done. Next item?” He pointed to Apple Bloom while he looked at the pile for another easy item. He picked up the box to move it and the bottom gave way, dropping the book onto the floor. “Ugh, why won’t it stay closed? Do we have to glue it, or something?”
“I have some glue, it’s on the cart,” Scootaloo said and dug through the stuff producing the glue with a grin. “It’s supposed to be sent out, but we can replace it with some tape I found on the counter earlier. I’ll go get it and nopony will know the difference.”
He glued the bottom of the box close after setting the book back inside and let the box dry against the wall as he grabbed the next item. “One teddy bear with a birthday card. Okay, bottom of box glued, check. Bear inside? Check. Note: Teddy Bear. Check. Next.”
Together the four of them finished packaging the shippable boxes with notes for what was in them and then waited for Derpy to return, one hour turned into two and they finally decided to go try for their marks on the next task, sure that their notes would be understood by the professional mailmare.
Over the next week, across Equestria, ponies with names on the mail opened their packages to find, mostly to their delight, stuff that matched their names while others either never knew their packages existed, or waited for stuff that didn’t arrive until they were sent again weeks later.
…
Four foals sat in the Clubhouse sporting small bruises and hurt egos.
“Ah don’t know why tryin’ martial arts was a good idea? Only Snickers knows any real stuff, so why didn’t he teach us before we went at it?”
“And when we all went at it, like in the movies, it wasn’t as cool. It hurts a lot more than I thought it would.” Scootaloo said, holding her foreleg to look at it. “Who bit me?”
“It wasn’t me,” Sweetie Belle said holding an icepack to her chest, “but I was bucked pretty good.”
Snickers pouted. “I’m sorry, I thought that was gonna be an easy way to get our marks. I didn’t think we’d just fight like that. At least I didn’t use any good attacks,” he winced, “I’m sorry I hit you, Sweetie.”
Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara set first aid boxes on the floor. “I think you’re all idiots for trying to fight like that.”
“I can’t believe you all went so crazy as soon as you started, what was going through your heads? Like, do you guys even think before you act?” Silver stated, opening her box.
“Whatever,” Scootaloo said, “just give me some medicine before I get home. My aunts are gonna be upset that I was fighting in the first place.”
“Well, the next idea’s safe enough,” Apple Bloom said, “painting.”
Scootaloo groaned. “I hate painting. Can we try that one later?”
“You don’t hate painting, you paint all the time,” Sweetie Belle stated, pointing to a sloppy art project against the wall.
“Well, we didn’t get our marks when we tried it then, why try it now?”
“Because, now we got Snickers and tryin’ some stuff over might work fer ‘im.”
“I think I’m done trying for today, girls. I just need to get Pup from the farmhouse and go home before I get any more hurt. And to think of a name for Pup that isn’t Pup, because she’s not gonna be a Pup if she can change into a pony.”
“Timber-pony, ya mean.”
“Yeah,” Snickers said smiling, “that. So, what traits does Pup have that we can name her with?”
Silver snerked. “She snores when she sleeps… if you can call it sleep.”
“Well, her eyes go dim and she falls apart into a pile of sticks, except her head; so it’s pretty much sleep. But, how does she snore without lungs to breathe?”
“I dunno, Silver. How does anything about her work, and don’t say ‘magic’,” Snickers chuckled.
Diamond’s ears twitched. “How about Stick Pile?”
“How about not. I think Wolf Howl sounds cool,” Scootaloo suggested, “because timberwolves howl a lot.”
“Have you ever heard Pup howl?”
“Well, not really, but she could. Well, Apple Bloom, what do you think?”
“Ah dunno, whenever she’s at the farm she’s kinda like a relaxed Winona; she doesn’t do anything crazy like chase critters or bark at ponies comin’ up the walk. How about Relaxed Wood?”
Snickers snorted into laughter. “Seriously, no. That sounds like a limp dick,” he said and the fillies giggled while Apple Bloom blushed brightly.
“I didn’t mean that, and y’all know it, what about you, Sweetie Belle?”
Sweetie shrugged. “I dunno, she’s a nice puppy and doesn’t make any problems for me or the town, at least not yet. What about Good Nature?”
They thought of it for a moment. “Okay, that’s in the very maybe column. Silver Spoon, what’s your thought?”
“Ugh, I don’t like or trust her. She’s still dangerous and scares me; I think she’s kinda nice, though. And, when she snores it’s kinda cute, and when she’s panting it’s a nice relaxing sound… Snore Lax? Because her snoring is relaxing and it’s kinda her best feature… I think, anyway.”
They all looked at one another with growing smiles. “I like it, and it sounds like a name that can grow with her, but how about Snorelax, one word. The Lax sounds like laxative.”
Scootaloo sighed. “Yeah, I like it. The only thing I don’t like about Pup, er, Snorelax, is when she sleeps guarding the door. She’s like a wall of sticks that I can’t get around with waking her in the middle of the night. It almost scares the pee outta me when her eyes turn on and look at me.”
Sweetie giggled. “Then stop drinking so much water before you go to bed.”
“Rainbow Dash says I have to stay hydrated, and I’m not gonna wake up thirsty! Or else I won’t be hydrated and I’ll be all tired all day.”
“Oh no, she’s talking about Rainbow Dash again,” Snickers teased, “her real one true love.”
“She is not,” Scootaloo pouted and crossed her forelegs while everypony laughed.