Applejack wakes up the next morning. She could tell right away today wasn't going to be the sunshine beam that was yesterday. As soon as she opened her eyes, the first thing she thought of was the accident itself. Replaying it in her mind, as she had been doing the previous night, which was clearly a precursor to this day.
She didn't understand this. "But yesterday was go great! Ah thought ah was gettin' better! Why am ah all of the sudden fallin' back down?", she thought to herself.
Neither Twilight nor you had told her about this yet. Applejack was not aware that this is a natural part of the recovery process.
On top of that, she uncovered some other questions she had that were still unanswered. For one, she was wondering why forgiving herself would make her a better pony.
It is confusing, given that guilt is what you feel upon realizing that you did a bad thing. You and the others knew that this would probably be the hardest part to tackle.
Twilight had technically answered this question, and the answer did resonate with Applejack, but she still felt incomplete on it. Twilight mentioning that guilt blocks out your ability to do good things; Applejack thought that was a good answer, but what she didn't understand was why the good things even mattered anymore. That was something she hadn't been thinking of before, and thus she didn't discuss it with Twilight.
In summary, Applejack knew why forgiving herself was important, but she still saw her actions as unforgivable, which led to her thinking that the benefits of self-forgiveness weren't worth it. That she didn't deserve them.
Yeah, this day was shaping up to pretty dark, which is especially disappointing given how bright the last day was. It is part of the process, but it still sucks. Applejack was already feeling she was going to have a dark day when she hadn't even come down to make breakfast yet.
Which leads to Granny Smith knocking on her door.
"Come in", Applejack says.
Granny Smith enters.
"Good mornin', Applejack. Uh... ah thought you were comin' down to make breakfast?", she says.
"Uh, sorry, Granny.", Applejack says. "Ah just... ah'm not feelin' good today. The guilt is comin' back up."
"Aww, ah'm sorry to hear that."
"It doesn't make sense! 'Cause yesterday was so wonderful!"
"Well, ah think some eatin' will help ya, so why don't you come down?", Granny Smith says.
"Alright, ah'll try."
Maybe there was a bit of truth there; after all, food is food, and Applejack is Applejack. A bit of smiling emerged upon her during breakfast, but afterwards, she was back to hanging her head down in sorrow.
"Ah think mah sis needs some more help.", Applebloom says with concern.
"Yeah, ah think you're right.", Granny Smith says.
You, over in the guest barn, had slept in. Prior to today, you were always at breakfast with the Apples. But somehow, you hadn't noticed through the bell this time around.
No need to worry, though; they had plenty saved for you.
And you were awake now.
Upon looking out your window, which you did every morning, you see Applejack walking over to the guest barn in which you were staying. This causes you concern, as that had never happened in the morning.
"Hmm, that's odd.", you think. "Normally Applejack stays in the main barn and waits for me. What is she doing?"
You didn't realize you had missed breakfast. All you could think about was that Applejack was coming over to you because she was feeling guilty again. Which turned out to be correct.
You head over to the barn's front door in your wheelchair, where Applejack opens the door with a sad face on.
"Hey there, pardner. Uh... ah'm not doin' so good today."
"Feeling guilty again?"
"Yup."
You go up and start petting her, just as you had done before.
"Let me assure you, this is normal. I think I forgot to tell you that. A path to recovery is not simple, easy, and linear. You will have good days and bad days, just like now."
"Ah know. But ah need more of a push today. Ah need more help."
You'd be delighted to help, but you don't have anything else in mind to say to Applejack. You had exhausted it all during the second hospital visit. So you decide to send her over to another one of her friends.
"Okay, Applejack. I think I know who you should go talk to today. You're my best friend and I love helping you, but I think you should talk to another friend today."
"Okay. Who are you thinkin' of?"
"Rainbow Dash.", you say. "Being an athlete, Dash has good wisdom when it comes to recovering from failures and mistakes. She has gone through it many times before; she knows the process and the feeling. I think hearing from a seasoned pro would do wonders for you."
Applejack agrees, and starts smiling again, seeing an opportunity to improve this day and get better overall.
"Okay. Ah'll go see Rainbow Dash. Thanks for the suggestion, pardner."
"You're welcome. I hope you have a great talk!", you say.
Applejack heads over to Rainbow Dash's house. Getting there won't be a problem; Twilight learned a spell that gives earth and unicorn ponies the ability to walk on clouds permanently, and Rainbow has a levitator that takes her friends up to the higher altitude. Also, with it being Sunday, she was probably home. The Wonderbolts take weekends off.
Applejack takes the levitator and knocks on the door.
Not only is Rainbow Dash home, she's in the house itself. She isn't even outside exercising.
"Oh, hey there, Applejack! What's goin' on?"
Applejack is a bit scared, seeing as how she rarely talks with Dash one-on-one, and confessing to feeling guilty again after a really good period without it is hard to do.
But AJ stays brave and proceeds.
"So, you know about all the guilt that ah'm feelin, right?"
"Yep. I talked to you about it a while ago in the castle, along with the others."
"Well, ah have some... updates to make."
"Okay. Run me through."
"After ah left the castle, that same day, ah went to talk with the human in the hospital. They said some really powerful words that got me a bit further, but ah still had some questions. So ah went and talked to Twilight, and she answered them, giving me a bit more closure. Then the next day, ah did amazing. The human got released from the hospital, and we went out and played. Ah had fun that day. Ah laughed, smiled, played, and overall had a great time."
"At that point, ah thought it was over. But then at night, the guilt started comin' back up."
"And today, ah don't feel any better."
Rainbow Dash hears this and is sad. She doesn't want her friend to feel guilty.
"Well, what did Twilight and the human say to you?"
"Basically, they said that feelin' guilty is bad because it prevents me from doin' good things. They say the good that ah do overrides the bad, and then if ah'm drowned in guilt, ah won't be doin' the good."
"Exactly! Without you in action, there would be a lot fewer apples! A lot less cider! I would lose my dare competitor! We would lose our honest hard-worker!"
"But here's what ah don't get. Ah don't get why the good things override the bad. Because, what ah did is so reprehensible. So damaging. Ah caused a wave of pain and disruption to life. Ah just don't see that as forgivable."
"It was an accident, Applejack..."
"That doesn't matter to me. Ah should have been watchin' where ah was buckin'. Ah should have told the human ah did those exercises. Ah just... what happened is too much to forgive." Applejack starts crying.
Rainbow Dash pets Applejack's mane and gives her a pat on the back.
"It seems like you have a lot going on. Come in, I'll talk to you."
Applejack walks in, still sad, but eager. She is trusting of Rainbow Dash to help her here. And Dash's kindness is only improving that.
She even offers more. "Do you want a snack, AJ? Or a drink? Whatever helps you feel better, I will provide.", she says.
"Uh, yeah. Ah'll take both of those. Ah don't really care what they are, but eatin' and drinkin' will help."
"Good! Here, we'll sit on this couch. I'll be back in a bit."
Applejack sits down on the couch, ready for the talk. She was confident that she was in good hooves here. As you said, Rainbow Dash knows about this stuff. She has had to deal with unfavorable events and the bad feelings that come with them many times. You had made a good decision.
Rainbow Dash returns with a tray of fresh apples, apple muffins, and cups of apple cider.
"I figured this would be fit for you.", she said.
Applejack was happy with Rainbow's choice. It was in her name, after all.
"Thanks, Dash."
Rainbow sits beside Applejack and resumes the petting, as Applejack bites into one of the muffins. She is trying her best to contain the guilt and enjoy the treats.
"Okay. Ready to talk?", Rainbow Dash says.
"Yeah.", Applejack responds.
"So, you say you felt like you were recovering from guilt yesterday, but today you're feeling bad again?"
"That's right. And ah don't understand why. Ah was doin' so great yesterday."
Rainbow Dash is ready.
"Here's the answer. That was just one day. Recovery is a long process. You can't just have one happy day and then suddenly be over it. This applies to anything in life. Some days are better than others.
"Think of any bad situation in your life. You didn't just soar right out of it. You felt better, then worse, then better again, and on."
"But, you did overall get better, and you are doing the same here. While you might be feeling guilty now after having not been the previous day, is the guilt as bad now as it was at the beginning?"
"No. Ah am better."
"There you go. Now you just have to wait for more time to pass. As more time passes, you will have ups and downs, but those ups and downs are still on an overall up hill. Eventually, you will find yourself on the other side."
"Don't think of your recovery as if you're cruising down a highway waiting to cross the finish line. Instead, think of it as if you're climbing clouds in a mission to get to the sun. You will stumble and fall on your way there, and that's perfectly natural. But you will feel the air getting warmer and warmer, and you'll keep climbing and climbing, until eventually, probably without realizing it, you will have reached the end."
Applejack loves this statement. She detected that she indeed had been thinking about her recovery in the former way, and upon examining her life, she does realize that days fluctuate in how good or bad they are.
"Thanks, Dash. Those are some powerful words ya got there."
"Thanks! Good going, AJ! You're listening well!"
"So now, let me run over this. Twilight told you that you should stop feeling guilty because guilt will hold you back from doing good things. But your question is why you even should be doing good things, right?"
"That's right. With me havin' done somethin' that bad, ah just... ah don't think the good stuff matters anymore."
Oof. This was rough.
Rainbow Dash finds this difficult to respond to, but she's not giving up, no way. She tries, and eventually comes up with something.
"Look at it this way. Think to the time that I befriended Gilda. Remember how that turned out?"
"Yeah. Ya befriended someone who turned out to be a bully."
"Exactly. I did a wrong thing, just as you did."
"I felt bad at first, but I made the choice to try and recover. And because I recovered, I went on to do super cool stuff! I built up my flying skills, attended more competitions, trained a lot... all the way to becoming a Wonderbolt!"
"If I had instead let the guilt consume me, would I have made it that far?"
Applejack is positively stunned. This was what she needed to hear!
"Uh... no! You wouldn't have gone that far!"
"Exactly!"
"Mistakes help you learn! Because of the Gilda event, I learned to be more careful in choosing who I hang out with. I learned to recognize warning signs before things got out of control. I no longer blindly befriend someone just because I think they're cool. Even though I already knew that friendship was about more than just coolness, it took the Gilda event for that to fully be cemented in my mind. As displayed by that event's occurrence, I still had a tendency to seek out radicalness when looking for friends."
"Because of this accident, you have learned to be more careful. You learned from this that it's important to tell a new member of the farm that you do those bucking exercises. You also learned to be more careful, just like I did."
Applejack is nodding along and smiling. It's working!
"In the long run, making mistakes is a good thing, because it makes you a better pony! And I know the human will agree on that! They always take good from the bad, even in intense pain and handicap!"
This was something that not been told to Applejack yet, and something that she really needed.
AJ was impressed at Rainbow's skill at speaking about this.
"Thanks, Rainbow. Ah really needed that."
"Anything for my friend, Applejack." They pull each other into a hug. It's very warm and tender.
There's still more to go here, though. Applejack speaks again.
"But ah still have more to ask."
"Ask away.", Rainbow Dash responds.
"Mah other question was, how does forgivin' myself make me a better pony? Why does that improve things?"
You and Twilight did not know how to fully get to the bottom of this question. But Rainbow Dash does!
"The reason why, is because guilt feels bad, thus it increases bad emotions. And bad emotions don't lead to good behavior."
"Think of it as if you were on a diet. Say you break the diet. But instead of getting back on your hooves and continuing the diet, you give up. You say "Oh screw it, I can't do this!", and then fall back into your old diet."
"That wouldn't lead to progress.", Applejack says.
"Exactly!", Rainbow Dash responds.
"And then, because you were trying to diet, going back to not following the diet will make you feel even more guilty."
"See what happened there? You did a bad thing; you broke your diet. And then you punched down on yourself by declaring that you're unable to follow it. That you don't have any self-control. As a result of that thinking, you started not following it, and the guilt became worse."
"In summary, by torturing yourself for doing bad things, you set yourself up for doing more of it!"
Yikes! That's probably the nail in the coffin right there!
"Whoa there!", Applejack says. "That's um... scary! Ah guess ah do need to forgive mahself!"
"Yes. You must."
"But wait! You said earlier that mistakes help you learn."
"Yes, I did say that. But learning from mistakes and improving from there only requires a little bit of guilt. Too much guilt causes problems; the problems I was just talking about."
"Let me explain the discrepancy in this way. Let's say your juice machine has a bit of a problem. You then inspect and find out there's a loose gear scratching against the wood. But that's all there is."
"Then say you believe that because there was one problem with the machine that there must be a whole load of problems. So you then try to fix things that aren't broken, which is bound to make the problem worse. Messing with mechanics that don't need to be messed with messes them up."
"Now, to apply this to this accident event, take the event and shape an alternate version, where you didn't feel super guilty, but instead, you simply realized that you had bucked the human, got alarmed, took them to the hospital, apologized, had a bit of a cry, then exited out there. In that version, you didn't feel so guilty that you called yourself a bad pony and wished for imprisonment, but you still got scared, cried, and apologized. And because you got scared, cried, and apologized, you realized what you had done, right?"
"Um... yeah."
"See what I mean? Massive, over-reaching, dark guilt is not needed for you to improve. Only a tiny bit is.", Rainbow Dash says.
"Yeah. And then, because all that extra guilt is not needed, it then causes problems.", Applejack responds.
"You got it."
Applejack is so happy with Rainbow Dash's words. She gets it now! She had her final doubts closed off!
She can't express her gratitude enough. "Thanks, Rainbow. Your power with words is on a whole other level! Ah'm so glad the human choose you for me to talk to!"
"You're welcome, Applejack. I'm guessing your human friend chose me because I've been through guilt before?"
"Yup. That's exactly the reason." Applejack pulls Rainbow Dash into a tight hug. Rainbow wasn't usually comfortable with this level of intimacy, but she had dealt Applejack a great deal of help that she desperately needed, so Dash let the satisfied pony hug her. She also returns the hug, wanting to show Applejack her love. That also helps with recovery.
In addition to that, Rainbow has more things to talk about that she knows will push Applejack even further. She speaks again.
"I know I answered both of your questions, but there's still more I'd like to talk about. Would you mind staying a little longer?"
"Not at all! Talk away; ah can take as much help as possible!", she says, happily biting an apple.
Oh yeah! That was another part of Rainbow Dash's showing of love that helps with recovery. Remembering that on top of her verbal help, she had also given Applejack these food treats, Dash correctly feels that she has gone a great job.
"Okay. Another piece of advice I'd give is, think about how long a punishment lasts based on how bad the action was. If Applebloom were to cause a tiny little bit of trouble at school, for example, would you ground her for three months? No, of course not, because different offenses necessitate different punishments. But guilt doesn't see it that way, and by letting it overtake you, you're sentencing yourself to lifelong suffering for an offense that will fix itself. How does that make any sense? And in fact, your offense has already fixed itself when it comes to the emotional state! The human quickly accepted your apology and still wants to be friends. They're not bitter about the accident. They're not letting it ruin their life. So, if they can recover, why can't you? Why should the retribution for a bad action continue on after the effect of the action has died out?"
This makes sense to Applejack. She keeps nodding along and smiling.
"In summary, it's clear that this is affecting you much more than it is affecting the one you hurt. Because of that, feeling this guilty makes no sense. You feel like you have to feel this way as a make-up to them, but they've already received that."
"Yeah, you're right. If ah keep goin' on with this, they might get tired of it, having been satisfied with a simple apology."
"That's the spirit! Your sentence has already been served! You realized your mistake, felt bad about it, and apologized. That was all that the human needed, and thus, it's all that you need. Applejack, you are overextending your sentence."
"Yeah. You're right Rainbow, ah am bein' too harsh on mahself."
Rainbow Dash nods.
"You did so great in this conversation, Applejack. If this were a class, I'd give you an A+."
Applejack giggles at this. They then hug more. Such an electrifying embrace; they were holding each other tight whilst feeling the effect of their conversation; they felt like their hearts were in communication, as Applejack and you did during your big hugs. This crossed Rainbow Dash's usual comfort line by a longshot, but for now, she had raised the line even higher than before. She did not feel violated or uncomfortable here; this was all sweetness.
The hug eventually fades out, and Rainbow Dash speaks again.
"Alright, that's all I have in mind. Did I give you what you were looking for?"
"Oh, certainly! Ah can't even describe how much ya helped me here! Ah need to reward you big, Dash!"
"How about you bring me a whole bunch of apple cider?"
"Will do!"
They hug again. This was such a beautiful moment.
Applejack's not quite done talking about the guilt situation yet, however, what she's about to say next is a lot milder.
"Ah actually have one more question."
"Yes?"
"What should ah do in these next days? As you said, it will take a while for this to completely go away. And ah will have high and low days."
"On a day where you're feeling good, increase on that feeling! Like what you did yesterday!"
"Then, on a bad day, try to remember what we said. If you catch yourself feeling guilty again, just replay these conversations in your mind."
"Also, on a sad day, try to do things that make you feel happy."
"But if you really need it, feel perfectly free to come talk to us again. We're always here for you."
This loving statement pulls them into yet another hug.
Upon arriving home after the conversation with Rainbow Dash, Applejack started working on the farm again. Feeling good enough to do so at this moment, she brought the majority of her work back. She started bucking trees again for the first time in a while.
The next day, Monday, had kind of an in-between emotional state for Applejack. She did replay the injury scene and felt down, but she headed you and the ponies' advice, which successfully kept the guilt under control. She also noted Rainbow Dash's advice of realizing that now is not as bad as before, and that will only continue to be true. Keeping track of her progress.
The following days eventually turned into a week. It had now been two weeks since the accident, and Applejack was still improving. This week was better than the previous one. And as mentioned, that week was better than its preceding week.
Those two weeks eventually became four weeks.
Progress and more progress was being made. The two of you could feel and see it. Full-fledged farm work was now being done by Applejack. She rarely had any spells of sadness anymore.
Going into the milestones of week five and week six, you can feel the destination getting closer.
And closer.
And closer.
Until...