The Weirdest Porn You Will Ever Read

by PRlNCESS CADENCE


Mmm so goood

“And then I zoomed past him! You should have seen the look on his face! One second he was bragging about how tough he was, and the next thing he knew, he was eating my dust as I… uh… Twilight?”

The lavender mare barely raised an eyebrow in response. “Huh? Oh, that’s great, Rainbow Dash.” The pegasus behind her was probably giving her weird looks right now, but Twilight was far too immersed in her mental project to pay any mind to her friend, no matter how interesting it was hearing about how Rainbow Dash had beaten Thunderlane in their race earlier that day. In all fairness, Twilight probably would have paid more attention if this weren’t the sixth rendition of the same story she’d heard in one afternoon.

Besides, she had to find something. Something important.

“Need help looking for something?”

“Hmm? No, I’m alright. Thanks, though.”

Again, Twilight returned her attention to her bookcase, skimming through her vast array of titles in search for a certain text that had been on her mind all day. There wasn’t any particular book that she was trying to find, more like a subject matter. Something in the field of theoretical physics in astronomy. She knew that there had to be something worth reading; she’d read every book in this library five times! The only problem was that since her library was so big with so many different titles to choose from, it kind of blurred her memory of which specific title carried which specific information.

Suddenly, though, she heard the sound of wings flapping behind her and quickly shook her head. She had completely forgotten all about Rainbow Dash! She must have been waiting a good three minutes in complete silence while Twilight was busy trying to find some random publication on Pluto!

“Sorry, Rainbow. What were you saying, again?”

“Aaaactually, it looks like you’re busy. I’ll see you around, OK?”

No! That wouldn’t work! Yes, Twilight wanted to return to her scavenger hunt, but she didn’t want to make her friend feel like she didn't want her there! That was friendship lesson number 15!

“Are you sure?” the unicorn asked. “I’d love to hear more about how you and Thunderlane had your race today… again…”

“Naw, it’s cool. See you at the picnic tomorrow?”

As much as Twilight felt her conscience griping at her for not being a better friend, she could at least smile knowing that she could always count on Rainbow Dash to forgive her for her shortcomings. “I can’t wait. I’ll see you there.”

“Later, Twilight!”

The cyan-coated mare didn’t even bother using the front door, instead zooming out the window with a multicolored vapor trail following behind her. Then, after a wave that the pegasus would probably never see, Twilight held a hoof to her chest and breathed a sigh of relief. 

Being friends was hard sometimes. Despite all the fun memories, healthy support and reliable help in times when she needed them, friends also required a lot of effort, and as much as she loved spending time with Rainbow Dash, sometimes she just wanted to have some time to herself. She had spent her whole life in Canterlot cooped up inside, after all, so it wasn’t like she could flip a switch when she moved to Ponyville that would suddenly make her an extrovert.

Just as she was about to talk herself into an unnecessary guilt trip, however, her eyes went wide, glued to the bookshelf beside her. It had been in front of her this whole time?! How could she have missed it?! The Complete Guide to Astrophysical Phenomena by Dr. Hayman Hoofstreader! The unicorn immediately pulled on the book's spine, looked up and down the cover, and held it firmly to her chest, jumping up and down on her hind hooves.

“There you are! Ooooooh, I’ve been trying so hard to find you!”

Actually, this was perfect! Now that Rainbow Dash wasn’t there anymore and Spike was off on some errand for Rarity, there was nopony to interrupt her! She could read as much as she wanted!

Twilight then looked out the window, double-checking to make sure that there were no ponies coming for a visit, and after closing all the curtains in her treehouse, she rushed to the front door and put up a sign that read, “Out for lunch. Be back soon.” It didn’t matter that it was already 4:30 in the afternoon. They’d get the hint.

Finally, with a giddy smile spreading from ear to ear, Twilight rushed up her stairs and flopped onto her bed, using her magic to levitate the text over her head. “What should I read about first?” she asked herself. “Jupiter? The moon? The kuiper belt?” None of those options sounded as good, however, as the seventh planet from the sun. She could already feel her pulse quickening and her chest rising more visibly by the second.

‘Unlike the gas giants Jupiter and Saturn, Uranus is more closely related to the chemical composition of Neptune, both of which are considered by scientists as the “ice giants.” Uranus is the third largest planet in the solar system in terms of its radius, following just behind neighbors Saturn and Jupiter at almost 25,000 square kilometres.’

Twilight unknowingly bit down on her lip, breathing deeper as her facial muscles began to gradually relax. “Ohhh,” she cooed softly. “Since when has Uranus been so big?”

‘Uranus is unlike any other planet in the solar system due to its unique rotation around the sun. Its axis spins perpendicular to its solar orbit, creating north and south poles where most planets would have their equator.’

The more Twilight read, the more she felt herself being pulled into the passage, her mind going numb to any of her surroundings, focusing solely on the smooth, black text along the pages. Her cheeks were beginning to burn, filling her face with heat that sent a ripple of sweat trickling down her temples. She couldn’t quite explain why she loved it so much, but she knew she needed more. She wouldn’t be satisfied until she had consumed every last inch of her thick, beautiful textbook.

As much as she wanted to see more of Uranus, however, she knew she was too impatient. There were so many things in that book she wanted to see, and they were calling to her, ensnaring her mental fortitude with the allure of their enticing diction. With a heavy breath, Twilight used her magic to flutter the pages forward, stopping a few chapters ahead of where she last left off.

‘Pluto is one of five dwarf planets in the solar system, along with Haumea, Makemake, Eris, and Ceres. Although it is not the largest object in the kuiper belt, some researchers argue that it still remains the most dense.’

Twilight sighed a breath she didn’t know she was holding in. “Mmm,” she muttered, running her hoof through her mane as her mind became overpowered by the new stimulus. “I never knew you were so hard, Pluto. Keep going, baby. Give momma Twilight something else she can use.”

‘Due to the large presence of methane in Pluto’s atmosphere, its temperature can reach an average over ten thousand times that of its surface.’

“MMM! Stoooppp! You’re making me so hot right now!” As Twilight’s eyes continued to peer over the words on the page, she could feel her chest growing warmer, casting a steam from her cheeks that humidified the air around her. The mare quickly clutched at her heart, her eyes squeezing shut as she tried desperately to pull oxygen back into her lungs. It almost felt like she was on Pluto, gasping for air while her body grew lighter.

Before she could get too carried away in her fantasies, however, she lazily opened her eyes back up, flipping through the pages again. She didn’t want to finish quite yet, but she was so close to the edge. She could already feel the dopamine surging through her nerve endings, giving her the reward she so desperately yearned for, but she had to be strong for just a little bit longer. What good was a reward without putting in a little work? Besides, it wasn’t like she didn’t enjoy the process, after all…

Skipping past a few more pages, she reached a section that she believed would be just long enough for her to get some fun before skipping her way to the end. Just looking at the pictures on the page, though, had already made her tongue hang out in desire.

‘Astronomers estimate that the current observable universe is roughly 93 billions lightyears wide, although that number will continue to change over time. Researchers believe that with the tools we have at our disposal, we can conclude that the universe is continuing to expand at a rate of 72 kilometres per second.’

“Yes! Stretch for me, baby! Expand as wide as you can! Nnnnhhhh, so gooddd!!”

Twilight had to bite onto her hoof before her heart exploded in her chest. Just imagining it was almost as strong as the feeling she got from her reading book, which was already filling her mind to the absolute brim. Her back squirmed on the bed beneath her, her hoof gripping the sheets just so she could release some of the pressure welling within her. She could feel her eyes falling back into their sockets, allowing her to play out her fantasies like a motion picture behind her eyelids.

She wasn’t finished yet, though. She still had a little left to go. She was so close, but it was almost painful how long she had to wait to reach the climax that she had been waiting for. Desperately, she turned the page again, and as soon as her eyes fell down on the alluring visage below, she immediately found herself breathing as deeply as she could to keep herself from passion out.

‘The Big Freeze, also known as the “climax of the universe,” is when all energy in the universe eventually stretches itself thin, leading all matter from atoms to black holes to eventually fizzle out.’

Twilight, however, was beginning to fizzle out herself. Her eyes began to cross into the center of her face, her tongue hanging wildly down her face. She expected her book to be good, but not this good. The amount of pleasure it was giving her was unlike anything any of her other books had ever been able to do. Her horn was practically sizzling, so lost in her state of pure ecstasy that her book was beginning to descend lower, but that was exactly what she wanted.

“I need you, book! I need you so bad!”

Finally, she couldn’t take it anymore. Dismissing her magic completely, the unicorn dropped the book into her hooves, wrapping her arms around it and kissing it tenderly. Shivers ran up and down her spine, sending blissful shockwaves to her nerve endings along her back as her lips gently pressed against the leather binding. It almost felt as if she couldn’t breathe without it there in her arms, and taking it away from her would be taking away part of her very being, part of her reason to exist. She’d never leave it, though. Together, they would spend the rest of their lives, until the inevitable heat death of the universe.

Then, once Twilight’s lips slowly parted from her book and her eyes began to slowly emerge from underneath their lids, a soft giggle escaped her breast. “Wow,” she mumbled between chortles. “You were really good today.”

She didn’t wait for her book to respond, however. Instead, she closed her eyes again and placed one more gentle kiss along the cover, a kiss which she wished would last an eternity.

“Hey, Twilight, I’m back from--Oh… Uh… You uh… reading that book again?”

Suddenly, Twilight’s cheeks flushed red, and in less than a nanosecond, the book had found its way behind her back with an awkward smile spreading along her face. “Spike! I uh… I didn’t realize you’d be home so soon!”

With an eyebrow raised, the dragon assistant slowly closed the door behind him, hauling in a wagon full of green and red gemstones. “Yeah, it turned out that none of the gems down at the gorge match what Rarity was looking for, so I just grabbed what I could and came home. Maybe I should uh… leave the two of you alone for a little bit?”

Twilight, however, just rolled her eyes as her cheeks regained their normal lavender color. “Relax, Spike. It’s not like I’m doing anything that I wouldn’t want the kids to see.”

“Whatever you say, Twilight,” replied the dragon, tossing an emerald into his mouth with a large crunch. “Whatever you say.”