//------------------------------// // The Super Duper Fun Lesson 6: Do All The Things With Your Favorite Party Pony, Pinkie Pie! // Story: Anon’s Friendship Lessons // by DatZigga //------------------------------// “Knocking. At the crack of dawn. Somepony wants to get their literal ass kicked.” Anon said to himself as he laid in bed, eyes bloodshot and tired. He had awoken about 5 minutes ago, but it felt like hours. It had started with a knock, no, more like a banging. As if someone was actively trying to pull a “Here’s Johnny” on his front door. Anon had hoped by now whoever was at the front door would’ve just given up already. He didn’t anticipate that the knocking would continue for the full 5 minutes.  Anon took a long, deep breath before swinging his legs out of the bed. As he left for the door, he picked up his trusty bat, Jackie. He named it such in honor of Jackie Robinson and for the irony of leaving someone black and blue by a bat named for the first black guy in baseball. Thus, he walked to the front door and prepared to deliver a homerun. So, he swung open the front door, ready to- He opened the door, fully this time.  BANG!  White light encompassed Anon’s vision and his ears rang. He let out a yell, only to cough out something that was briefly caught in his throat. He ended up tumbling onto his ass, rubbing his eyes.  “Oh, sweet merciful Jesus!” Anon called out to the heavens and the lord above. “What was that manganese? Shit, I think I got flashbanged! I can only see white! Pure white!” As Anon panicked, believing that he had been shot, he came to an unsettling realization. Was he truly staring at the light of God? Anon had been agnostic, figuring that no benevolent entity that would create humans would allow them to make their own bad decisions. But, if he was dying and/or dead, this could very well be his judgement.  However, this thought subsided as quickly as it came. Anon’s vision slowly began to clear and the ringing was dissipating. He slowly started to make out the shape of a pink blob standing next to a blue blob. Slowly, as the ringing subsided, he could make out what can only be described as manic rambling and he spotted the bouncy pink mane of the pony known as Pinkie Pie. Anon groaned, realization of a different sort setting in now. With one hand, Anon wipes his eyes to hasten the recovery process and with the other, clamped it over Pinkie’s muzzle.  “Stop. Just stop for a sec.” Anon waited for the ringing to fully go away. Once it did, he let go of Pinkie’s muzzle.  “Hiya, Nonny!” She greeted, with an exuberance that was higher than the average pony, which was already high. Anon eye’s soon adjusted and they were fixed upon a blue cannon by the ponies' side. Anon sat up in a more comfortable position.  “Why did you shoot me with a cannon?” Pinkie looked at the cannon, as though she just noticed it was there. “Oh, that? That’s my party cannon!” She beamed brightly. “You have a “party” cannon? You shot with me motherfuckin’ cannon?!” Anon asked incredulously, his anger slowly getting the best of him. “Nigga, why would you shoot that at me? You coulda killed me, man.” “It only shoots confetti, Silly?” Pinkie waved him off with a hoof. “Also, what’s a nig-“ Anon’s hand shot faster to close her muzzle than the cannon took to blind him. “Don’t.” Anon said seriously. Pinkie read the intensity on his face and thought best to just nod and accept it. He removed his hand again, wiping it on his pants after noticing how moist they were. “Regardless, it’s a cannon. It had to have used some sort of gunpowder or something to fire. Unless you’re gonna tell me it’s-“ “Magic!” She shouted excitedly, throwing her hooves above her head in a rainbow motion. Anon can only sigh, cursing himself for not swinging his bat around the moment he was blinded. “Anydoodle, I came to invite you to your welcome party!” Anon’s eyes snapped open. “Welcome party?” Anon said, a hint of nerve in his voice. “Yuppers! A welcome party. I always throw one for every new visitor that comes to Ponyville, whether they’re new residents or just passing through! It’s my special talent.” “Special talent?” Pinkie nodded her head frantically, threatening to break her neck. “Mhm! I got the cutie mark to prove it, see?” Pinkie swung her flank towards Anon, who reflexively looked away. “Gah! I don’t wanna see your horse junk!” After a while, Anon did take a peek, only to see if she had removed it. However, he was met with only the side, nothing too explicit. He did see a mark resembling three party balloons, two blue and one yellow. “Oh yeah, the ass tattoos or whatever? I’m too tired for this shit.” “I don’t know what a tat-oo is, but when somepony finds something they’re really good at, a cutie mark appears.” Anon lightly pushed Pinkie’s flank away, growing uncomfortable with how long it’s in his face. She turns back to him, still smiling as ever. So innocent… Anon thought, then suppressed it. What he couldn’t suppress quite as quickly was that as Pinkie Pie faced him directly head on, he noticed that he could just faintly make out the edges of her flank. If you can see it from the front, wait til you see it from the back indeed, Doja. Anon, too, suppressed that thought as well. “Yeah, cause that makes so much more sense than what I was thinking.” Anon said, making sure the sarcasm dripped. Yet, Pinkie didn’t catch a single drop.  “Because I’m so good at parties and they’re so fun to do, I want to have a party for everypony!” She leans in and boops Anon on the nose. “Especially you! And now that you’re no longer a party pooper that Celestia specifically told me NOT to approach until she gave me explicit permission. That was reeeeeaaaaaally hard, but a Pinkie Promise is a Pinkie Promise!” Anon wiped his nose, returning a hard stare to the pink pony.  “Wait, Celestia told you not to visit me?” Anon raised an eyebrow.  “Yuppy Guppy!” She nodded her head vigorously. “She was worried that I might color your expectations of other ponies but I don’t usually paint other ponies, so that was a weird request.” Anon was both grateful that Celestia managed to hold back this sugar loaded beast for so long and equally disappointed she couldn’t hold her back longer. Even his first meeting with her wasn’t this bad. “Ain’t that sweet.” Anon said with a false sincerity. “But no. I will not partake in your party.” Pinkie’s smile fell suddenly, as fast as a pin drop.  “Huh? But why not?” Pinkie whined.  “I’m not into parties.” Pinkie stared at Anon, mouth agape. He just shrugs. Then, she bursted into full belly laughter. She rolled on the floor in front of Anon before rolling over to Anon’s side. She threw her foreleg over his shoulder and pulled him closer to herself. “That’s a really funny joke, Anon!” She beams. Anon doesn’t.  “It’s not a joke. I don’t like parties. At all.” Pinkie zipped back in front of Anon in a pink blur.  “What about birthday parties?” She asks, panicked. “Hadn’t had one since I was 15.” Anon replies. “Maybe tea parties?” She pulls out a tea set from nowhere. Best not to question it nor touch it.    “Tea ain’t all that great, to be honest. Besides, at the last tea party, I had some dickish guests, so no thanks.” Anon thought back to Fluttershy, along with the bear, the bunny, and the amalgamation of horror. Pinkie tossed the tea set, a mess he’ll have to clean up later. She then spun the Tasmanian devil spin into pool attire. “Pool party?”  “Can’t swim.” “Toga party?” Anon raises his eyebrow at Pinkie in a toga. “I’m not whi-er, I mean, I would have no reason to celebrate that. Also, does that imply-“ “Sleepover?!” Pinkie is now wearing a blue onesie with pink polka dots. “How are you changing so fast?” Anon scratches his head, looking around the house for any smoke and mirrors. “Anyway, I don't trust people or ponies in my place of privacy.” “BACHELOR PARTY!” Pinkie practically screamed, a bottle of...something poking out of her poofy hair and popping it’s cork.  “HA!” Is all Anon can respond with a sarcastic knee slap. “Bold of you to assume I’ve ever been in a relationship with anyone.” Pinkie begins to deflate like a sad balloon, her hair straightening. Anon felt a tug at the heartstrings at the sight, realizing maybe he was going into asshole territory again. I mean, it’s clear she really likes parties and given the type of world this is, might be more culturally significant than he thought. Besides, if she was approaching her now, Celestia must’ve figured that he was ready to tackle such an...interesting challenge. Anon sighs, biting his tongue. “When in Rome…” He mutters under his breath. “Look, Pinkie...” Anon started, looking down at the sad mare, making little circles with her hoof. “It’s okay, Anonymous.” Pinkie looks up with those big, blue eyes. “Not everyone has to like parties. I should value your preference and not force you into anything you don’t wanna do.” Goddamnit, now I feel bad. Anon thought to himself. This sucks. I’m trapped in a world where the main populace can just guilt trip me into doing whatever I want. Such bullshit. Anon reaches out to pet the horse, purely out of instinct. He swears the instant he touched the fur, it began to puff in his hand. Pinkie looked up, a hopeful expression on her face. “Pinkie Pink,-“ “Pie.”  “Whatever. I’ll go to your welcome party.” Just like that, the hair exploded in his hand and it was like all the color went back into the mare’s coat. “You will?!” This time it wasn’t a beaming, bright, big ol smile that Pinkie wore. It was a small, hopeful little thing. Anon could feel the onset of heart palpitations, but he pushed through regardless.  “Yes BUT, I want to plan it.” Anon clarifies. “I don’t trust you ponies to not have an infantile idea of a party, so I gotta make it a little more to my liking. Furthermore, after this, I won’t be attending anything else, so don’t come crying to me every time something is popping off. Got it?” Pinkie stands in a military salute.  “Aye aye, Cap’n!” Anon shakes his head, eyes closed. “That’s not-“ Anon would have told the pony that the gesture and affirmation were incorrect, had he not been enveloped in a warm hug. Pinkie had thrown her arms around Anon’s chest, since he was still sitting, and pressed her face against his. Anon was stunned, overcome with conflicting urges to push the pony away and to embrace her. Luckily, it was quick, over as soon as it started. Yet, Anon remained stunned.  “You’ll see, Nonny! This will be the greatest party you’ve ever been to! I’ll see you in an hour from now!” Pink waves at Anon before taking off in a flash out the door. Anon could follow the blur as it went into the quiet little town. “I feel like I made a mistake.” Anon stated. He then turned back, ready to address that tea set that she threw and all the other costumes Pinkie threw around. Only to find none. Welp, time to say it. “Fucking ponies…” “So, what are the party activities going to be, Nonny?” Pinkie asked, standing by a chalkboard in her party cave, addressing a tired and disinterested Anonymous. “We could go with the classic piñata? Or, we could play ‘Pin the Tail on the Pony’? Or we could make a new game where you pin the tail on the piñata!” “Aren’t those two games fundamentally the same?” Anon argued, cradling a cup of coffee. He was never a coffee person and it didn’t really do much to aid him, but it was better than nothing. “Someone wears a blindfold and attempts to hit a target?” “That’s what would make it great! They’re just so alike!” “Meaning nothing changes?” Anon retorted. Pinkie seemed to ignore the question, doodling a piñata with a tail on the board, “Pin the Piñata on the Tail is a go!” Pinkie shouted exuberantly. “Can’t we just have music and food and call it a night?” Anon pleaded. “But there’s nothing fun about just standing around and talking?” Pinkie whined. “Unless we also make it a dance party!” “No!” Anon pointed a disapproving finger. “No dancing! I hate that shit.” “Awwww, that’s-“ “That’s right, it isn’t fun.” Anon interrupted. “I’m not fun. Deal with it, hun. You caught a raw deal.” Anon crosses his arms. Pinkie looks down at the floor, gears turning in her head. At least, Anon could swear he heard literal gears turning in her head.  “I wouldn’t call it a raw deal, more like a sweet challenge!” Pinkie says, with renewed determination. Anon sighed.  “Look, I don’t want you pulling any surprises, Pink. A simple party, food and drink, music that is slow and melodic, and a small guest list. That’s it. You want to make me happy? That will make me happy.” “Are you sure?” Pinkie asked, cautiously. She desperately wanted to throw a million and one ideas, but she was aware that she often walks a thin line.  “It would make me smile.” Anon gave a small smile in confirmation. This seemed to do the trick as Pinkie sprung with happiness, spinning the chalkboard. “Then a simple party you will receive!” She shouted joyously, hip checking the board down a hallway.  “Good.” Anon got up and dusted himself of cave dirt and stray confetti. “Welp, I’m just gonna head out then. It’s been a...day.” “What?!” Pinkie yelled, as if she were just offended. She stared up at a nearby clock. “But it’s only 6 am!” “Yup. Like I said, it’s been a day.” Anon walked in a random direction, hoping he could find the exit. That was, until Pinkie slid in front of Anon’s path.  “But there’s so much that we can still do together!” Pinkie dug inside her hair, pulling out a checklist. “Didn’t Celestia assign us to bake a cake together?” Anon eyes bugged out, before turning to pat his pockets down. Sure enough, he was missing his list, a list that was now in her possession. Anon snatched the list from her hooves angrily. “What are you? Some kind of a pickpocket?” Anon looked at the list, affirming that this was something previously written by Celestia and not Pinkie herself. Once that was confirmed, Anon squinted skeptically at Pinkie, who merely gave him the goofiest, innocent smile. “Ugh, alright. I’m already here, so let’s just bang this out.” “Woohoo!” Pinkie celebrated, pushing Anon towards the slide with a surprising amount of strength. Despite his protests, Anon found himself pushed up the slide, through the bakery’s lobby, and into the kitchen. Once through the doors, Pinkie took off towards a rack where aprons hung, grabbing two, and rushing back to Anon before he could even fully stand. He stood, only to bear the full weight of a candy colored pony on his back as she wrapped the apron around him. “Are you usually this invasive?” Anon would have been far more furious if she wasn’t so soft that it practically took all the remaining agitation to not touch her deliberately.  “Yup!” She answered, pulling the two strings of the apron just a tad too tight. Anon grunted at the suddenness of it. At least she’s honest. He thought. Pinkie continued sipping around the kitchen gathering all the ingredients and dropping each one on the counter in front of them. When she was finished, she wiped a bead of sweat from her brow.  “Can we get this over with now?” Anon complained.  “Just ooooone more thing~!” Pinkie dug underneath the counter and pulled from it a chef’s hat. She hopped up and placed it atop Anon’s head. “There! We’re all set to bake a pretty cake!” “Can we maybe chill on the decorating? I don’t want to spend all day on this.” “Oh, I can’t make any promises, Nonny!” Pinkie began placing a bunch of ingredients within a large bowl, without paying an ounce of attention. It was as if she was operating on autopilot. “Between you and me, I have a habit of getting carried away!”  “Ya think?” Anon felt Pinkie thrust an object into his chest suddenly. He grabbed it and saw that it was a whisk. Pinkie slid the bowl of ingredients.  “You can be in charge of mixing, Sir Mix-A-Lot!” Pinkie jokes with a grin. The comment made Anon’s eyes nearly bug out of his skulls.  “Woah, woah, woah, what did you just say?” “You’re in charge of mixing, silly?” Pinkie answered, comically missing the point. “You’re so forgetful.” “No, bitch. After that.” Anon was getting sick of the back and forth. This was easily the most he’s had to talk to someone since he dropped into Equestria. Pinkie raised an eyebrow. “Sir Mix-A-Lot?” She asked, tilting her head. “Yes! That! Where have you heard that?” Anon asked. In his mind, this couldn’t have possibly been a coincidence.  “Oh that? I just came up with it on the spot!” Pinkie cheerfully answered. “Cause you’re a stallion, hence the sir. You’re also going to be mixing-a-lot! See?” “But that is oddly in reference to a musician in my world.” “Ooh, a musician?” Pinkie’s eyes shimmered with interest. “What kinda music does he make?” “Well,” Anon rubbed the back of his neck. “I mean, he’s most popular song was a song about big-“ Anon looked down at Pinkie Pie, who was idling in an almost dance-like fashion, her posterior lightly swinging from side to side. Anon bit his tongue.  “Big what?” Pinkie asked, with all the innocence of a child.  “Uh,” Anon’s eyes darted to the mixing bowl. “Big...cakes.” “Ooooooh~!” Pinkie cooed. “What a coincidence! I also love big cakes!”  “Yeah…you sure got ‘em.” Anon mumbled, mixing the ingredients together in an attempt to end the conversation there.  “Do you like cake, Nonny?” Pinkie asked, clearly having cake on the brain as Anon sure did.  “Uh, not really.” Anon felt as though a switch had flipped in the room. The mood had gotten much more awkward thanks to his prying. “I mean, I don’t like it’s sponginess or the frosting, I guess.” “You don’t like cake?!” Pinkie recoiled, absolutely appalled. Then, as quickly as she recoiled, she giggled with a snort. “That’ll all change when you have a piece of my cake!” “Nooo…” Anon silently whined to himself, putting his head in his hands.  Pinkie frowned. “What’s wrong, Nonny?” “Nothing!” Anon shouted, frustrated in more ways than one. “Let’s just bake the fucking cake and stop talking about it!” “Okey-dokey-lokey!” Pinkie gave a hooves up, whatever that meant, and bounced over to the oven to preheat it. Anon sighed heavily. Why do I feel like today’s gonna be the longest day?  Sure enough, the baking project carried well into the morning. As the clock struck 10, the duo gazed upon their collective creation. And it was shit. The cake slumped to one side, imitating the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Anon also screwed the frosting job, with frosting dripping off the side of the cake in trails. Lastly, the cake was already crumbling to pieces. It was an absolute failure of a pastry. “Well, that sucked.” Anon concluded, hands at his hip.  “Oh, Nonny. There’s no need to be a Negative Nancy.” Pinkie argued, imitating his stance. “A cake is still a cake! I’m sure it’ll taste like one too!” Pinkie leaned towards the cake, her tongue rolling out of her jaw like a red carpet. Then, she quite dexterously slid her tongue under the cake and tossed the cake flying into the air. She caught the cake in one quick gulp, making sure to lick her lips of the remaining frosting. Anon’s jaw sagged to the floor. “But...you can’t...that’s not…” Anon started, before forcing himself to stop. He took another deep breath. “You know what, my G? Fuck it. We baked a cake. That’s that.” Anon pulled off the apron and started walking toward the kitchen’s exit. However, he was once again stopped by none other than Pinkie Pie. “You’re leaving?!” Pinkie yelled, a distraught look on her face. “Why are you so surprised?” Anon asked, hanging the apron on a nearby rack. “We planned a party and baked a cake. My friendship quota is fulfilled and I am within my right to leave.” Anon reaches for the door, only for Pinkie to grab his hand and hold it against her tightly. Anon was a bit unnerved to see a pony standing upright, but having seen the same pony eat a cake in one bite, there was becoming less and less surprises the mare could pull.  “The day is still young! There’s so much more that we can be doing! I waited so long!” “So long for what?” Anon asked, growing more confused and impatient. Just then a voice bellowed from upstairs.  “Pinkie Pie?” A woman’s voice shouted. “You’re not creating another one of your big, messy cakes, are you?” “No, Mrs. Cake!” Pinkie shouted back, before a lightbulb appeared over her head lighting up.  Anon quickly grabbed it and tossed it against the ground shattering.  “No! Enough of these shenanigans, Pink!” Anon snapped. “You’re gonna have to clean that, Nonny.” Pinkie said calmly, before suddenly remembering why the lightbulb appeared in the first place. “But after you meet the Cakes!”  “The Cakes?” Anon asked, only to be immediately pulled out of the kitchen back into the bakery’s lobby. Just as they exited the kitchen, the Cake family was making their way down the steps.  “Yes, the Cakes!” Pinkie zipped over by a long, lanky looking pony and a short, rounder pony. “This is Mr. and Mrs. Cake!” “Um, why, hello?” Mrs. Cake replied with a shy hoof wave. “Uh, hi?” Mr. Cake uttered sheepishly. It was clear that neither of them were prepared to meet a random alien. Pinkie snatched two foals from Mrs. Cake’s baby carrier and brought them toward Anon. “And these cutie pies are Pumpkin Cake and Pound Cake!” Pinkie held the two up to Anon, who had to lean back. “Pinkie, I think it’s in very bad taste to just force someone’s children into the face of a complete stranger!” Anon wanted to shout, but kept it hushed in order to not scare the foals. The foals looked at him curiously, making inquisitive baby noises. Anon, worried that Pinkie would drop the babies in her excitement, carefully took them both in his arms, cradling them in each of his arms. “I’m sorry about Pinkie, Mr. and Mrs. Cake.” “Oh, don’t fret, deary!” Mrs. Cake assured Anon. “If anything, we apologize on Pinkie’s behalf. She can get quite excitable at times.” “I’ve learned that the hard way.” Anon grumbled, feeling the chef’s hat being pulled further down on his head, obscuring his vision. Pumpkin giggled at her handiwork. Anon sighed as he squatted and placed the two foals on the floor. He then gladly removed the chef’s hat from atop his family. “Okay, Pinkie. I’ve met the Cakes. We’re done here.” “W-Wait!” Pinkie called out, but Anon was already power walking toward the door. Anon managed to get as far as a few feet before he could feel the something biting at the back of his shirt. He looked back to find Pinkie holding on by her teeth, pulling on it like an attention seeking puppy. “We’re not finished yet!” She demanded through her teeth. Anon reached down and tried pulling his shirt from her teeth. “Okay, you’re being ridiculous now!” Anon kept pulling and pulling, but Pinkie refused to let go. At this rate, she was threatening to tear his shirt. That’s when an idea struck Anon. He dug into his pocket and pulled out his phone. “Say ‘Cheese’!” Anon snapped a picture of the pony with the flash, briefly blinding her enough to make her recoil, letting go of the shirt. “Hey, no fair!” She whined, wiping her eyes. “I didn’t know that chocolate bar was also a camera!” “Ha, doesn’t feel so good, doesn’t it, bee-yotch?” Anon taunted, before deadpanning at what she said. “And it’s not a damn chocolate bar. It’s a personal device that is capable of many wonderful things, none of which are all that useful in my current environment.” Pinkie felt well enough to look at the phone now, another idea slowly forming in that twisted head of hers.  “Say, how about we play a game?” Pinkie asked, jumping in place with her usual bounciness.  “How many times do I have to tell you, Pinkie?” Anon was starting to grow tired from just talking with her. “You woke me up at the crack a dawn, made me plan a party, had me bake a cake, introduced me to your folks, you’re draining me of all the energy I have left and the sun isn’t even directly above us yet!” “I know, I know!” Pinkie whined. “But, if you win this game, I’ll leave you alone for the rest of the day! No, the rest of the week!” Anon rubbed his temple with his free hand, feeling as if he was talking to a child. Before he could even reply however, he suddenly felt his other hand one phone lighter and the galloping of hooves trotting away from him. He looked down, saw the phone was missing and immediately turned to find Pinkie running away, the phone in her mouth.  “Tag, you’re it!” She murmured through her teeth. Anon let out a loud, enraged groan before chasing after the pony.  He gave chase through the plaza, down the winding streets and alleys, all the while dodging ponies left and right. Anon had to hand it to the pink equine, she was no slug despite her lifestyle. She always kept a considerable lead ahead of Anon, who was already beginning to feel the burn. The only thing that kept him going was the thought of wringing her neck dry. He had followed her all the way through the town and was steadily approaching the train station. Anon watched as she flicked a bag of bits in front of the Ticketmaster, before hopping onto the train. Anon, given his tunnel vision, elected to ignore the fee and hopped the gate. He felt as though this was highly irresponsible of him, but that hardly mattered right now! Pinkie had his phone and who knows what she’ll do with it, or worse, what she’ll find! Anon failed to slow down fast enough to not hit the wall in front of him upon boarding the train. After shaking himself of his daze, he looked into the car ahead of him. A bunch of ponies were staring at him, most likely for the sudden entrance he made. He did his best to pay them no mind as he started down the aisle, looking for any shades of pink. Surprisingly, the mare had hidden herself well, which is all the more impressive given that the train was hardly full. Anon had passed through several train cars at this point and was no closer to finding her. He angrily grumbled to himself.  “Thanks, Celestia.” He said bitterly under his breath, “Thanks for giving me the wonderful option of meeting and befriending your lovely subjects! I am so honored and totally not thinking about derailing this damn train off a cliff!”  “I would certainly hope not.” Said a familiar voice next to him. Anon stopped in his tracks and slowly turned toward the source of the voice. He saw a cream colored pegasus with a golden mane with a blue streak. She also had one braid in her mane and one in her tail. Anon sighed in relief.  “Heh, sorry.” Anon answered the pony. “I’m just having a rough day is all.” “Having trouble with your final lesson?” The pony asked, smiling a very curious smile. Anon squinted.  “Final...lesson?” He asked. Anon put a finger to his lip and began linking together the clues. When he formed the puzzle, his eyes widened in shock and a little fear. “Shit! Celestia?!”  “Not so loud, my pupil.” Celestia whispered with a wink. “I like to spend some of my days ‘under-the-radar’ as you might say.” Anon looked around, noticing that the car was sparse and that the ponies inside were sound asleep.  “Uh,” Anon rubbed his neck. “Y-you know I was just goofin’, right, Your majesty?”  “I’m sure you were.” Celestia patted the seat next to her, signaling Anon to take a seat. He really didn’t want to, instead wanting to hunt down his phone and the pony that robbed him, but he already talked shit to her face. He sat with a grumble. “So, how have your lessons been going?”  “Oh, you know, they went well.” Anon admitted, still looking around the car. “For the most part. A few hiccups, here and there. Got an especially pink one right now.” “Ah, yes. Pinkamena Diane Pie.” Celestia mused, eyes closed in thought or quite possibly resignation.  “Her middle name is Diane?” Anon asked incredulously, to which Celestia ignored.  “I had suspected that of the six, you would have the most difficulty with her. You, as you’ve said, prefer to be alone. Whereas she…” “Doesn’t know when to let a nigga breath?” Anon interrupted. “Yeah, I know. Language.”  “Are you frustrated, Anonymous?” Celestia looked up at her, which felt weird because last time Anon could just look at her at eye level. Anon sighed deeply, slumping into the chair. “Look, I don’t hate her.” Anon admitted. “She certainly has a energetic personality and while I don’t understand half the shit she does, I dare say that I find it rather amusing. But she is just doing the fuckin’ most right now and it’s really souring this whole ‘Lessons in Friendship’ thing we got going on.” Celestia, for her part, listened to Anon’s problems, nodding in understanding.  “Indeed.” Celestia agreed. “It is why I made her last on the list. Just imagine if I had made her be the first pony for you to spend time with.” “Yeah, I wouldn’t have given two shits about your lesson plan.” Anon paused and then coughed into his hand as he felt a look coming from Celestia’s direction.  “Yet, it is a hurdle that you have to cross, Anonymous.” Celestia looked out the window as her kingdom flew by past her. “We ponies are a curious sort. We love nothing more than peace and harmony, but often do we find ourselves getting in the way of it.” “Profound, coming from someone with a two-tone, punk rock hairstyle.” Anon quipped, relaxing into his seat, watching the same landscape.  “Your arrival, along with the Storm King’s invasion and my student planning to open a school to teach friendship beyond Equestria, has gotten me in the habit of pondering our nature as ponies in this ever expanding world.” “A real philosopher queen, you are.” “I say all this to say that, much like Pinkie Pie, we are not perfect. We often have our moments of ignorance, of annoyance, or are downright unbearable. However, that’s why I believe that only through friendship that we can move beyond these moments and enjoy one another for the company we keep and the memories we share, good and bad.”  Celestia stands up in her seat and hops over Anonymous into the walkway. “That is my message to you.” She turned, ready to exit the train car, but pauses for a moment. “Oh, and Pinkie is in the next car behind us.” She smiled and wink as Anon, before exiting the train car in front of him. Anon leaned back in his chair, blowing a raspberry before picking himself up and heading in the opposite direction.  Sure enough, there she was, engorging herself at a snack cart filled to the brim with sweets. All the while, Sir Mix-A-Lot’s hit single, “Baby Got Back” was playing loudly throughout the train car, much to the dismay of the passengers. Anon saw as one mother was plugging the ears of their child.  “What has my life become?” Anon hopelessly asked, staring at the scene before him. Anon stomped forward, snatching the phone from the cart and muting it. Pinkie looked up from her eating and smiled.  “Looks like you caught me!” She announced cheerfully. “Guess that means I’m it, huh?” Anon sighed heavily as he scooped the pony up in his arms and forcibly carried her out of the train car. They made it to the far end of the train, where no other passengers were seated. There, Anon dropped Pinkie in the middle of the walkway. “Alright, enough games.” Anon said, speaking in a stern and serious tone. “What has gotten into you, Pinkie?” “You mean other than a cart full of candy?” Pinkie asked. Anon pointed a finger.  “Oh no you don’t. You’re not gonna worm your way out of this one.” Anon watched as Pinkie softly gulped, affirming his suspicions. “Something is clearly bothering you. Enough to keep you bothering me. So, spill it.” Pinkie went from mildly concerned to panicked, her eyes shrinking to the size of pinpricks and darting from left to right. Beams of sweat rolled down her forehead. “I-I have no idea what you mean, N-Nonny.” She weakly said, completely averting her eyes. Anon didn’t answer, he just looked at her with a scolding that rivaled a parent to their child. Eventually, Pinkie cracked.  “Nonny!” She whined. “You wouldn’t understand!” “Try me.” Anon crossed his arms and tapped his foot. Pinkie sighed and looked down at the floor, her hair slightly deflating. The only sounds for a while were the rumblings of the train.  “I was jealous.” She finally said, in a low voice. The statement caught Anon off guard in its bluntness. “Wait, what?” Anon raised an eyebrow. “I was jealous.” Pinkie repeated, drawing little circles in the floorboards with her hooves. “I know I shouldn’t be but I couldn’t help it! I’m always the one to welcome new friends to Ponyville. But, when you came along, everyone told me to wait! They said I might “scare you off”. But I thought about how much fun we had when we shared that milkshake together the first time we met, so how could I possibly scare you?” Anon thought back to that first time he met Pinkie and all that transpired in such a short amount of time. “‘Fun’ is a curious word to describe it.” “I was eager to visit you again, but then Celestia herself sent me a letter telling me to hold off on visiting you!” Her hair deflated further. “And it only got worse too. You started hanging out with all my other friends before me. You even spent a chapter with Diamond Tiara before me!” Anon blinked. “Wait, a chapter?” Pinkie ignored the question and continued “It was like everypony thought I was going to mess it up! So, when it was finally time for me, I wanted to do the super duper most I could to show you I was the funniest, happiest, pinkiest party pony around!” Pinkie laid against the floor, head in her hooves. “But, in the end, I did mess up. All I did was make you angry, not make you smile.”  Pinkie fell silent, all the poof in her hair gone, leaving a straightened mane that spilled over the floor. Anon could’ve sworn he could see tears welling up in her eyes, before she attempted to hide them with her hooves. He wanted to say something, but the lump in his throat stopped him. “I always take it too far.” Pinkie admitted, more to herself. “My friends, the buffalo, Cranky Doodle, the Yaks. Every time I try to be friends with someone, I always end up annoying them and making them mad and-“  Anon crouched down and grabbed Pinkie by her cheeks, looking her dead in the eyes. “Pinkie Pie.” She sniffled. “What?” She asked, tears quietly rolling down her cheeks. Anon stared at her for a long time, before looking at the ground. “Shit, I don’t know.” Anon looked back at her with a sheepish grin. “I kinda thought if I said your name dramatically, I’d have something smart to say that would cheer you up.” The two stared at each other silently. Then, Pinkie’s mouth began quivering. She started to giggle, much to Anon’s confusion. Pinkie looked back up at him, a sad smile now. “I appreciate the attempt, Nonny. You don’t have to. I know I’ve upset you and Twilight says that it’s best to give those you’ve upset some time alone for a while.” Now it was Anon who was laughing out loud, confusing Pinkie for a change.  “Oh, so now you want to leave my ass alone now, huh?” Anon asked with a grin. “You did all this for my attention and now you think you can just walk away after a sob story like that?” Anon picked the pony up in his arms and carried her to a nearby seat. He sat down, keeping the pony in his lap for him to coddle.  “Listen here, horse.” Anon stated, holding a confused and mildly worried Pinkie in his lap. “I wish half the people in my life, no, half the people in my world cared about making friends as much as you do. I wish that in my childhood, I met someone who would insist on throwing me a party, insist on me meeting their family, insist on baking a cake with me. Sure, there are times I’d rather be by myself, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be included or I don’t want to be approached. You just gotta be smart with how you do it.” Anon bopped Pinkie in the nose, causing her to fall into a giggling fit with the occasional snort.  “Sure, you get a little too excited. That’s something you can work on. Just like how I’m trying to work on not being a miserable piece of shit. We all be goin’ through it sometimes.” Anon looked out the window, watching the rolling green hills and the distant mountains. “But it’s like that damn Princess said, friendship allows us to move past our problems and just enjoy shit for what it is, in the moment we have it. I could say fuck it and never interact with any of you again and I’d probably be in the right for it. However, I’d be lying to myself if I said I didn’t enjoy some of the weirdness and cuteness of it all. This place is so absurd and I think that’s what I like about it. It’s a place where you ponies go through the same troubles we humans do, but you’re trying so hard to push past it in a way we couldn’t. I’ve learned a lot being here.” Anonymous finally looked down to see that Pinkie, somewhere in his speech, had fallen asleep in his arms. Meanwhile, he had absentmindedly rubbing her belly, most likely the cause of her slumber. She quietly snored, her limbs and ears occasionally twitching. Anon couldn’t hold it any longer. “D’aaaaaaaw~” Anon said, eyes welling up with tears. “You fuckers are so goddamn cute.” He had been holding that in for God knows how long, letting tears of happiness stream down his face. He leaned back into his chair, enjoying the rumbling of the train car. Still petting the sleeping pony, he let his eyes close softly. Mere minutes later, he too, fell asleep. The two shared a nice, quiet slumber in the empty train car. Until they didn’t. Pinkie peeked one eye open, looking at the now sleeping Anonymous. She quietly pulled the checklist from her mane, along with a pen. She softly marked the checklist and stuffed it back into her mane. Then, cuddling up further into Anonymous, resumed her nap.  Lesson #6: Bake a Cake with Pinkie Pie Do All The Things With Your Favorite Party Pony, Pinkie Pie! ☑ (Close enough!)