Kindness and the Seed of Shadow

by Raven-Flight


Lovers' quarrel

It took a moment for Fluttershy to register that she was suddenly sitting upright in her bed. Discord was perched at the foot, his eyes wide with concern.

“What’s wrong? What do you need? It’s not the foal, is it?”

“No, no, there’s no danger of anything.” She was still shaking. “Not… anymore...”

“Not anymore? Were you being threatened? It was Pinkie, I’ll bet! That pony always seemed—”

“Discord, please! Just give me a minute to think!”

There was a zipping sound, and the now-muted draconequus leaned forward to place a clock in Fluttershy’s hooves. She took it and stared at the baguette-shaped second hand ticking in a steady circle until her shaking finally stopped. Then she sighed.

“Actually, yes, it kind of was Pinkie.”

“I knew it!” Discord shot up to his full height, suddenly wearing a police chief uniform. He swung a pair of manacles off his belt as if preparing to go after the culprit when he suddenly found himself accidentally shackled to the bedpost. Fluttershy giggled at the scene as the all-powerful Lord of Chaos yanked and struggled in vain; the bedpost would not budge. Then in a flash, it was the bedpost wearing the uniform, and Discord donned a striped jumpsuit as he melodramatically dropped to his knees. “Ya got me! I always knew this day would come! Please, go easy on me!”

It took another full minute for Fluttershy to stop laughing. “Thank you, Discord. I needed that.”

The manacles and costumes disappeared, and Discord stretched himself forward on his stomach so he was lying beside Fluttershy and peering into her face. “Always happy to oblige! Now tell me, my dear, what is the trouble?”

“My friends and I were trying to figure out what shadow ponies actually are when Pinkie suggested something that made sense—”

“In that case, I can see why you were so terrified.”

“No, I mean—” Fluttershy glared, but a little smile betrayed her amusement and Discord chuckled. “Anyway, her suggestion made me realize: shadow ponies aren’t really born; they’re made!”

“...I could make a joke about that, but I’m sure you wouldn’t laugh. So what’s that got to do with you? Or the foal?”

The pegasus fixed her eyes on the far wall of the room and shivered once. “He was born alive, a normal unicorn, except his mother was a shadow pony, and because of her there was already some dark magic fused to his body. When that dark magic got strong enough, he must have transferred his personality completely into that matrix and killed his body, becoming a true shadow pony. As if he decided to become one. And if he could turn himself into one, do you think he could have turned other ponies into shadow ponies?”

Discord conjured a chalkboard and started scribbling. “Theoretically that would be possible, but that would require a lot of dark magic and,” he ground a thick dot onto the board, “some way to make it stick to the pony.” Chalk dust flew as a sharp spike appeared above the dot. “That would mean, generally speaking, only unicorns and alicorns can become shadow ponies and stay shadow ponies, since they have their horns which can channel ambient magic, store it, and redistribute it. So, Fluttershy,” Discord declared above the volume of his previous muttering, “if you’re thinking what I think you’re thinking, stop thinking it. You are a pegasus, and it would not be possible by pony standards anyway.”

At that moment, the angry unicorn Discord had scribbled on the chalkboard blew a very loud raspberry. The draconequus whipped back around, and with a hissed “why I oughtta,” he jumped into the chalkboard and became a two-dimensional doodle of himself. He started chasing the unicorn in circles.

“But Discord,” protested Fluttershy, unfazed by the commotion. “Remember how I used your chaos magic?”

The doodles were now wrestling, and Discord didn’t pause his assault to reply. “You had my heart in your body. It was what supplied the chaos magic to you.”

“Yes, but then after I gave your heart back, and you were dead. I used chaos magic again to take your heart a second time and give you mine to revive you.”

“You told me that was because of your special magic as the Element of Kindness. It means your body adapts and conforms to certain influences, especially if there’s a strong emotional connection. This kindness magic, by the way, was not a thing in the whole history of me until you came along! So after you’d had my heart once, you were able to wield chaos magic again on your own because after the first time, some of it stuck in your veins, and … Stuck… OH.” The chalkboard melted up into a puddle on the ceiling, leaving Discord behind in his typical three-dimensional form. He was staring at Fluttershy.

She was staring back. “He tricked me into loving him, and the whole time I was there, he was filling me with more and more dark magic. Just before you came he made me drink… something awful. He had a glass of it himself and it didn’t do anything, but for me it tasted really bad, and after I finished… it got really hard to stay conscious. I think… I think...”

“That was supposed to kill your body and complete the transformation.”

Tears began to spill from Fluttershy’s eyes. “In the hospital, I must have been only moments away from becoming a shadow pony. Undead. Evil!” Fluttershy wrapped her hooves around Discord when he moved closer and wept into his fur. “You saved my life, Discord! You saved it from something worse than death...”

For a minute, the two sat embracing as Fluttershy sorted through her conflicting emotions. On the one hoof, there was belated fear for what hehad been doing, and on the other, relief over a fear unrealized. She also felt safe, there in the arms of him who saved her and would always, always be there.

And then she felt his body tense, and she looked up, and his ears were pinned back. “Discord?”

His mouth moved, but no words came out. He tried again. “I didn’t… I didn’t save your life...” Discord’s gaze was far away. “I saved your death...”

“What?”

“Shadow ponies don’t have to die. As a shadow pony, you wouldn’t have to die...”

Now Fluttershy was tense too. “Discord, please don’t go th—”

His eyes suddenly locked onto hers, and they were glittering with passion. Or maybe tears. “I saved your life for a few years—just a few moments, really—and robbed you of an eternity.

“No.” It came out more hoarse than she’d intended. “You can’t rob me of something I never had—”

“But you almost, you could have!”

“—and never wanted.”

Discord froze. Thoughts sped through his mind at lightning speed. Of course she never wanted it ponies don’t live forever why would she ever even think about it too many immortal creatures is a problem anyway but it’s not a problem for me so it shouldn’t be for her and doesn’t she want me forever too I can’t be alone for eternity! All he could manage amid the chaos of his internal monologue was an echo: “...Never wanted?”

“It would hurt too much to outlive all my friends. I wouldn’t even know what to do with all that time!”

Aren’t I good enough? I mean, I’ve lived this long and I’ve always found things to do and new things to experience. Like you! I’ve never fallen in love for real before! And now you’re telling me I’ve finally found another creature I can’t bear to be without, and I could provide everything she’d ever wanted and more until the end of time, and she would rather grow old and die and leave me to wonder how I ever managed to survive alone for so long and how I could ever survive alone again? So I get a few short years of happiness and then a whole eternity of grief and pain? You really wish that for me?”

Fluttershy could hardly speak through her tears. She reached up her arms to cradle his face in her hooves. “Discord, I—”

He swatted her hooves away. “No! I was wrong. I thought… you loved me, as much as I love you.”

“But I do!”

“Do you? Do you? Will you be immortal with me? There’s still plenty of dark magic in you—I can feel it! I bet I could help you turn shadow pony just like that.” His fingers pressed together like he was about to snap.

NO, DISCORD!” There was a moment of stillness. Fluttershy felt her heart pounding. When Discord’s eyes narrowed, a deep, bitter remorse sprang up in her stomach. “No, I mean—that’s not what I meant! Um—I don’t mean I don’t love you! I—”

Discord cut her off by pressing a talon against her lips. His expression was grim. “I think I need some time to myself for a little while.”

“Discord, wait!” Fluttershy reached out a hoof, but he was gone. Her muscles all gave out at once and she collapsed into her bed, and she wept and wept until all sense of time passing evaporated and she had no more tears left to cry.

~*~*~*~

There was a knock on the door. Fluttershy didn’t register it at first. Then it came again, louder and faster, and this time it made her open her eyes.

“Coming!” She shouted, or tried to, anyway. It took Fluttershy long enough to heave herself out of bed and stumble toward the door that there was another bout of knocking before she opened it.

“FLUTTERSHY!” The enthusiasm of Pinkie Pie was unmistakable. She was already wrapping her friend in an embrace before Fluttershy even had a chance to flinch in surprise. “Hey, are you okay? Your face is all wet oh no you’ve been crying!

“Fluttershy, what happened?” This time it was Twilight’s voice. The pink and purple ponies let themselves into the house and Fluttershy felt herself floating across the room. After the magenta aura laid her on her sofa, she finally had a chance to respond.

“I… don’t know if I can talk about it right now...” It came out as a croak.

“Then we’ll just have to stick around and help you feel better until you can,” assured Pinkie Pie, pulling a blanket up around her friend. Twilight nodded in agreement and walked toward the kitchen to start some tea brewing.

“Thank you. I think I’m in need of the company.”

Pinkie sat down, and starting with a “well, in that case,” she launched into a story about a pegasus that flew overhead on the walk to the cottage, who must have been distracted by something because he flew into a tree, and then Pinkie got distracted laughing and bounced right into a bush. That made Fluttershy giggle, and soon enough, Twilight returned with the tea. Pinkie Pie finished her cup of honey-lemon-ginger in no time flat and proceeded to speed around the house with a feather duster, cleaning everything in sight. Twilight placed herself in the seat next to Fluttershy and the two of them sipped their tea quietly together.

Half an hour later, they both turned to watch Pinkie Pie march past bipedally, carrying Fluttershy’s tear-soaked bedsheets toward the washtub.

“Oh, um, you really don’t have to do that, Pinkie,” called the pegasus.

“Nonsense!” came the only reply. Fluttershy shook her head and smiled weakly.

Twilight set down her empty teacup. “Feeling any better?”

“A little. Thank you for staying with me, but I think you came here for another purpose. May I ask what your visit was originally for?”

“Pinkie and I are going on a little trip to the Crystal Empire, and we wanted to invite you along. I still have so many questions about shadow ponies, and if it’s true that they start out as normal unicorns, this question might be a matter of concern for Equestria’s national security. Pinkie suggested we search the last known shadow pony stronghold for any artifacts we could study. Even Cadence is on board after I wrote to her. Since you’re probably more invested in this inquiry than anypony, I thought you might want to join us.”

“But what about your duties?”

“Like I said, national security. It is my duty to look into this. So what do you say?”

“Um, I’d love to but, um… There’s—I have a lot—well, I’m a lot right now. It’s only getting harder to get around and… I don’t really want to think very much about this anymore...”

Twilight leaned forward. “Fluttershy, did something happen? You left the library in such a hurry earlier...”

“I realized something—or I thought I realized something, and then Discord… realized something...”

“Well, that’s SOMETHING!” At that moment, Pinkie Pie bounded back into the room and set a cupcake in Fluttershy’s hooves. “I hung your sheets up on the clothesline. Are you feeling better enough to talk to us now?”

Fluttershy took a bite of the cupcake and set the rest on the coffeetable. Then she took a deep breath and tried to explain herself. Pinkie Pie was oddly still during the whole explanation, and Twilight’s jaw dropped when Fluttershy described how close she must have been to transforming into a shadow pony.

When Fluttershy paused to take another bite of the cupcake, Pinkie Pie moved to place a hoof on her shoulder. “Is that what you were crying about when we found you?”

“Yes and no, I guess. There’s also… I told Discord about all this already, and he didn’t exactly take it well...”

Twilight broke from her stunned paralysis. “He must have been pretty upset that he nearly lost you!”

Fluttershy’s throat was constricting painfully as the tears began to well up again, but she knew she couldn’t stop there. She had to tell her friends what happened, so she fought on. “No. He was upset because he thinks, because he saved me, he actually did lose me.” Her friends’ silence was the same as saying “go on,” so she did. “Shadow ponies don’t age and die. Sombra was killing my body, but he was also making me immortal, in a way. I told Discord I never wanted to be immortal, and then he got angry and disappeared...”

If it had been a race, Twilight would have won by a fraction of a second: her tears started flowing down her cheeks only an instant before Fluttershy’s did. The alicorn got up and wrapped her hooves around the pegasus. “Oh, Fluttershy! I never wanted it either! I understand how you must be feeling.”

It didn’t take long for Pinkie Pie to start crying and join in the hug too.

Eventually, Fluttershy’s tears slowed down and she spoke into somepony’s fur. “Was I wrong to tell him that?”

Twilight pulled out of the embrace. “No, but maybe the timing—”

“If you two are as much in love as everypony knows you are,” Pinkie Pie cut her off, “then you were going to need to have that conversation sooner or later! Did Discord say where he was going or when he was coming back?”

“No...”

Twilight spoke again and this time wasn’t interrupted. “Hey. Discord loves you. He’s afraid of losing you. He’ll come back.”

“But he’s still going to lose me in the end.”

There was silence for a few moments, and in that time, Twilight’s face grew hard and distant. Then she took both of Fluttershy’s hooves in her own and held Fluttershy’s gaze with such intensity that the pegasus could not look away. “Not everypony can be immortal, but there have always been at least a few immortals around Equestria, and it’s been okay. As long as those who have immortality are responsible about their decisions, they can be good to have around. And I figure it’s those of us who really don’t want immortality who are the best candidates for receiving it.” She sighed. “What I’m saying is, it wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing if you were to become immortal, and I certainly wouldn’t mind having one,” she looked over her shoulder and smiled at Pinkie Pie, who blushed, “one or more close friends by my side in the future of Equestria...”

Now Fluttershy sighed, removing her hooves from Twilight’s and staring helplessly down at them. “I suppose I wouldn’t mind that part, but… not at the cost of turning into a shadow pony and giving my will over to the dark magic. Maybe if there were another way, I would… think about being okay with it, but I’d still rather not.”

“Well, the magic surrounding alicorn ascension and the attendant achievement of immortality is complex and poorly-understood…”

Pinkie Pie leaned into Twilight’s field of view grinning around wide, pleading eyes. “Wings?”

Twilight smirked and continued her thought. “It can’t be wielded without strong purpose and great prophetic insight, and even then, the books say it can be remarkably dangerous...”

“Nevermind,” murmured the still-grinning earth pony, leaning back out of view.

Fluttershy picked up her half-finished cupcake again and contemplated it. “It doesn’t matter anyway. I still don’t like the idea of being immortal, and I’m definitely against the idea of being a shadow pony. Whether or not to become immortal isn’t really a decision I have any power to make. Sorry, Twilight. I really do hate the idea of… leaving you…” She set the cupcake down again.

“It’s okay. Like you said, it’s not really an option anymore anyway, and I’m… I’m making peace with it.” Pinkie Pie extended a hoof in sympathy, and Twilight responded with a weak smile. “Anyway, I still need to learn what I can about the shadow ponies. I take it you’d still rather not come along?”

Fluttershy nodded.

“I think I’ll ask Spike to check in on you while we’re gone. He can help you with anything you need and send your letters in case you want to update us on the foal or draconequus situations...”

“Yes!” Interjected Pinkie Pie. “Update us lots! Every hour!”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Every hour?”

“Every day,” amended Pinkie Pie.

“We shouldn’t be gone more than a week at most. You’ll be alright, Fluttershy?”

“Yes, I think so.” The three ponies said their goodbyes, and Fluttershy was left alone with her thoughts again.