"-a...?" I finished weakly, gazing glumly about at the city that now suddenly surrounded me. "You literally just teleported me, didn't you Twilight. You absolute potato."
She gaped up at me, stuck somewhere between remorse, and abject horror. "Oh my goodness, are you okay?!" she squeaked, ignoring my jibe. "I - I'm SO sorry, I was just... I just..."
"No, Twilight. I am very much not 'okay'. You magicked my sorry arse to Canterlot. I feel pretty rough, if I'm honest! I fee-uuh.. aah... aaACHOO!" I sneezed a faint red mist into the air, and regarded it blankly for a moment before understanding dawned... "Twilight...? is my nose bleeding?"
She gulped, nodding imperceptibly; tears brimming in the corners of her eyes "...I just wanted to help you." her voice was barely above a whisper. "It was the quickest way here, I... I thought... I thought it'd be safer than the carriage..." she heaved as a sob broke her sentence. "...Safer than a few hours of... of raw background magic..."
Wow. That... kinda took the wind out of my sails a bit. Sure, this is a stressful situation and all, but here was this girl, doing her best for me, and I was practically shouting at her for it. I mean, maybe she actually did think it through? Hell, I obviously hadn't burst, right? And I'm not exactly an authority on magic, am I? Who's to say teleporting me wasn't the safest method? The worst I had to show for it was a nosebleed, and - oh, would you look at that, my fingernails were glowing.
SHIT ME, MY FINGERNAILS WERE GLOWING?!
Cold terror gripped me, I-I...
And then, a feather-light touch brought me back to Equis...
"Mister Baboon..? W-we really should go!" Twilight's tearful, urgent little voice - cracked with emotion, cut through my terror. She took her hoof from my arm, beckoning me to follow her.
Oooh, man... she's properly crying now...
"Uhh... look, I-I'm... I'm sorry, alright? I didn't meant to snap, It's just-" my voice peetered out...
No... no, I wasn't going to give her excuses. I was going to give her an apology. I'm not fine now... but, nor was I fine before the teleport. The least I can do is forgive someone for trying their best.
"I'm sorry, Miss Sparkle... truly. Thank you. If I survive this, I... I'm sure it will be down to you. Down to your quick thinking."
And I meant it. I truly, genuinely meant it. Panic clawed in my chest. Seethed within me, like a stomach full of needles... but... Twilight's confident (if dejected) presence grounded me somehow. Kept terror from consuming me wholly. There was just something about her that filled me with....
...I don't know. Hope, maybe...? Trust? The feeling of a friend who's there for you, no matter what...?
She turned her head to me, a fragile smile graced her lips for a moment, cut through the silent tears and shuddering sobs... aaaah hell, she's not even trying to guilt trip me, and I still feel like the worst being in all of Equestria.
"Come on, Mister Baboon. Nearly... *sniffle* nearly there!"
And sure enough, so we were. forty odd yards away, stood the imposing entrance to Canterlot University of Natural Thaumaturgy. Massive iron gates loomed before me, proudly displaying the college's initials in enormous letters. Oh dear. Even in the tense and tearful atmosphere, I marvelled at the ponies' short sightedness; completely and utterly failing to hold in a guffaw. They uuh... probably should've thought that acronym through before whacking it up there for the world to see.
As we neared, the huge black gates swung open by themselves with a creak that set my teeth on edge. Oh, and got my fingernails glowing a little more brightly... great... magical gates. This place was actively TRYING to kill me.
Twilight quickened her pace. W-was she nervous too? My heart thudded in my chest... how much more of this crazy magic stuff could I take? How far away was I from that... that last straw...?
"Wait here, Mister Baboon - I won't be long! We just need to find out which department we need to get to, then we'll get you sorted out! Okay?" She gave me another brittle smile before hurrying over to the reception desk.
Everything was tingling. My skin prickled alarmingly, almost as if a myriad of tiny creatures seethed beneath it, all fighting to break through. Bloody hell, I couldn't take much more of this...
"Oh thank goodness" came Twilights voice as she hurried back over to me, carrying a fancy visitor's pass on a lanyard. "Follow me" she slipped the lanyard over my head with her telekinesis. "It's just down the hall here." Anxiety tremored in her voice, as she led me to a door marked 'High Energy Magic dpt'.
"Doctor Kiwi?" Twilight shouted, as I followed her through into the empty room. A hatch thudded open on the far wall, and out stumbled a teeny pegasus with... blimey... bat wings? And tiny pointy fangs?!
"Yuh? Hello?" she squeaked
"Miss Kiwi!" exclaimed Twilight, rushing over to the diminutive doctor. "Gosh, it's been YEARS since we last spoke! I-I'd love to catch up but... my friend here?" She half turned, nodding in my direction "He's in trouble. His Thaumic field? It's polarised. Y-you can help, right? We don't have much time!" she finished, in a horse hoarse whisper.
"Ohhhh! Yuh." grinned Kiwi, slapping the hatch. "I think we can probably squeeze him into the planar crucible."
"The planar crucible?" I asked, unease constricting my voice.
"Yuh" she stated, proudly. "We smash two opposing Thaumic fields together in it."
"Freakin... WHY? What the bloody hell does it do?"
"Science." she grinned conspiratorially at me.
"Right..." I said, raising an eyebrow. "And it'll help me somehow?"
"Yuh, well... maybe? We've smashed lots of things in there before." she waved a hoof at the hatch behind her, as if doing so might inspire courage within me. It didn't. "A-and uuh.. If we uuh... smash you in it, statistically, you have a fifty percent chance that your contextual morphic frequency will be adjusted to suit the localised Thaumic median. Thusly, the accumulation of polarised thaumic energy will be violently dispers-"
"So you're basically saying it might fix my problem." I interrupted.
"Yuh. We won't know until we open the hatch though."
"Oh great. So I'm Schrödinger's horrible baboon now, am I? And what about the uuh... the other fifty percent? What happens then?" I gestured wildly at the intimidating hatch. "What happens to me, i-if your uhh... your crazy magic smasher doesn't fix my problem?"
"I uuh... oh... uuh..." her eyes flitted about the room, obviously making an extreme effort to avoid my gaze. "Something umm... something different will happen." She finished weakly.
"Oh? Like what, pray tell?" I pressed.
"You uuh... burst... but it'll be very quick! You won't feel a thing! Not a thing! Umm... probably." Her pointy smile did little to alleviate my concerns.
"Y-you said burst, didn't you. You bloody well said I might bloody bastarding well BURST in there, didn't you!!"
Doctor Kiwi had the gall to look mildly affronted. "Well, yuh!" she squeaked indignantly. "You can maybe burst in there, or you can definitely burst out here. It's um.. it's entirely down to you, though! Your choice! Don't let me force you!"
Bloody hell... she raised a pretty fair point. I'll give her that.
Twilight gazed up at me hopefully, giving me an inspiring little nod.
"Kiwi... I have to ask - were you uuh... smashing yourself in there? Before we came in...?"
"...I uuuh...yuh."
"I... wow. Okay, yeah. Y'know what doctor? Sod it. Smash me. I'll take that fifty percent chance..."