There are two versions of why I left Gallopfrey a year later, and both are true. In one version, I had seen life was slowly beginning to flourish in the rest of the universe, I knew the Time Lords didn’t need me holding their hooves anymore, and I wanted to create my “final project.” In the other version, the Time Lords politely kicked me off the planet before I caused any more trouble. Like I said, two sides, same story.
In the end, it didn’t really matter, and I wasn’t upset enough to hold a grudge. I moved on to finally making Equestria proper.
I found a quiet spot in a medium-sized spiral galaxy and decided that this was as good a place as any. Creating planets was easier now, things do improve with practice. The basic foundation only took a day, before I added a small moon and sun that orbited the planet a bit like 2 electrons. The orbit was complicated, but stable, I couldn’t figure out why the Princesses had been required to raise the sun and moon in the show, here they happened automatically.
I added oceans and shaped continents. The next day I was filling the planet with basic life; fish, ferns, etc. when I felt a huge sneeze welling up, which was unusual because I didn’t have a body at that moment. I sneezed loudly enough to shake the planet and heard a cracking sound. I watched in a mix of fascination and alarm as time on the planet sped up. Like watching a time lapse video, life evolved on its own at an astonishing speed, culminating in various species of giant lizards that roamed the land, sky, and sea. The temporal stress finally caught up, and all of them collapsed into piles of bones which were buried under layers of earth and rock. All of this happened in less than an hour. So … if you ever want to know what killed off the dinosaurs, … I did. By sneezing hard enough to fracture time.
Whoops…
Luckily that was the only effect, 100 million years squeezed into an hour. It was only on Equis, so it could have been worse. The planet could have cracked in half or something.
I sighed and got back to work. I was able to recall the maps of Equis I’d seen on the internet and decided to just stick with it. Mostly. I was already plagiarizing. The maps I’d seen were pretty basic, and I’d heard references to real-world countries in fanfictions, so I added a few more continents in the right places and hoped for the best. It had gotten me through so far.
Once the land and seas were done, I moved onto life. To made it made more sense to start with basic life such as plants, then move on to non-sapient animals, and finally sapient, dominate species. There was a lot of life on Equis, more than on Gallopfrey, that’s for sure. Plants weren’t too hard, and common animals were OK, since most of them were based on Earth animals. Spiders were fine, but Flyders? No. Way. Next were fantastic beasts and monsters. I’d loved mythology since I was about 9, so creating a world that had almost all the beasts I’d loved was exciting. Finally, I created the staggering number of sapient species.
OK … I had a mental checklist, but I was pretty sure I’d forgotten things. In no particular order … Yaks, Minotaurs, Breezies, Zebras, Ahuizotls, Centaurs, Gargoyles, Chimeras, Gryphons, Catfolk, Kirins, Houndfolk, Jackalfolk, Seaponies, Hippogryphs, Dragons, Deer, Buffalo, … I think that’s it… Maybe goats?
I knew I hadn’t made Draconequui since I wasn’t sure of Discord’s origins yet, I was saving Windigos for only if I had to use them, and while I hadn’t directly created Changelings, I’d planted a tree they would spring from, like in the MLP comics. I also hadn’t made cows sapient, since that was a little weird to me. I still saw them as food, if I’m honest. I sat back and looked at the planet and all the work I’d put into it. I’d done it! I’d created Equis!
AND ON THE TWELFTH DAY, HE RETURNED TO HIS CASTLE AND COLLAPSED IN EXHAUSTION.
I wanted to explore every aspect of the new world I created, but … it would need to have existed for more than a week. I figured 50 years should give everybody enough time to figure out their places, and hopefully not be eaten. After ten I peeked. My creations were not faring well. I sighed and located the largest gathering of ponies, since they were the most numerous species.
I manifested in a beam of light appearing as a spider pony on a whim to set me apart from everypony else and passed them a burning torch. In Truly Ancient Ponish, I said, Look, I’m probably going to get in trouble for this, but this is a truly useful tool. Don’t let the wolves eat you, and don’t eat your meat raw anymore. Here’s how you make it, I said, demonstrating how to make fire out of rocks, do you see how it works? They nodded. Here, let me show you how to cook and flavor meat and vegetables…
I spent twenty years with the tribe, showing them the basics of civilization: how to cook, primitive medicine, how to write, making homes out of mud and straw, the wheel, making basic laws, bartering, making basic tools, the basics of farming, all of it. Once they’d stopped hitting each other over the head with rocks, I moved on to the rest of the races, appearing to each of them as a member of their species. More or less. I will admit a prejudice to favoring ponies, but I wanted ALL of my “Children” to succeed. Within 150 years Equis was out of the Stone Age into the Bronze Age.
Alexis manifested on my shoulder. “Has anybody EVER told you that patience is a virtue?”
I didn’t want them to die! I grumbled. Anyway, since you’re my conscience, you should know I can’t not interfere.
Alexis sighed wearily. “At this rate they’ll have Starships in a hundred years…”
“That’d be awesome!” said Apep with an excited grin. Alexis shot him a dirty look.
Just out of curiosity … what happened to my old conscience? The goth kid with the yellow eyes. I liked him.
“He’s probably on a beach somewhere,” Alexis said with a shrug.
“You don’t like us?” Apep said giving me brokenhearted puppy-dog eyes.
I’m getting used to you, which for me means “Yes.” Apep did a victory fist-pump. Oy, vey, you two are worse than I am!
Although I’d technically kickstarted civilization, there hadn’t been too much genuine interaction with the races of Equis. Language hadn’t really been developed yet, when I spoke, they understood the meaning, not the words. It had mostly been me showing them how to do things.
The first conversation I had that stood out to me took place about 900 years later in what would come to be known as Ancient Anugypt. I was watching the Pyramids being built. Here, they magically levitated the stones into place, although it took a minimum of seven casters per stone. I was disguised as a grey Catfolk. I’m a cat person, it was made for me.
I wandered the streets until I came to a dusty temple with various creatures entering and exiting. Over the door was a depiction of a black spider. With a feeling of Déjà vu and Réjà vu (from Discworld, literally means “I am going to be here again.” Normally experienced in the case of temporal loops.) I entered the temple. A lower priest held out a small box and said, “A small contribution is appreciated.” I placed a few coins in the box. He looked in. “Not that small,” he growled. Never tick off an anthropomorphic jackal if you look like one of their enemies.
“Sorry,” I said, placing the rest of my money in. “Don’t we pay taxes to keep the temples in business?”
He sighed wearily. “We’re not a full theocracy, and have you ever tried to get funds out of a government?”
“I’ve heard it’s a nightmare.”
“You have no idea.”
“Whose temple is this?” Yep, definite déjà vu.
“The Weaver,” he replied smoothly. “The great Spider who wove the universe together. In the Beginning he fashioned the thread of creation from his own mind and created an intricate Web binding all things together. Each of us are connected one to the other by the strands of the Web. He once appeared to the Ponyfolk as a cross between them and his true form and gave them the secrets of civilization before giving them to the rest of the creatures of this world.”
He pulled me further into the temple and there was a polished black stone statue of a giant spider hovering over the world protectively. The map of the known world was very accurate, for the amount of information available then, it was even a globe! The end of the right foremost leg was a cherry red. I quickly hid my paw.
“Is the Weaver … benevolent? Malevolent?”
“Mostly benevolent, as far as we can tell.”
“That’s good.” Huh. So, they see me as a giant spider. I guess it could be worse. They could see me as a Gibbering Mouther or something, I thought, shuddering at the image. Funny how the things you love can scar you …
I asked, “Could I pay for this statue? Not to take it home with me, just to reimburse the cost. It’s good workmanship, I might commission something from the artist, if you can give me their name.”
The priest raised a skeptic eyebrow. “You didn’t want to donate more than ₻3, and you’re somehow able to pay for 2 statues from the kingdom’s finest artist?”
“Money isn’t that much of a problem, I just don’t carry it around with me very often.”
He gave a snort. “Velaz, in the stonemason’s guild. He’s the current Master, we were lucky to get something from him. You are … very strange…”
“So I’ve been told. Thank you.”
True to my word, the next day I dropped by the temple again to pay them for the cost of the statue. I nearly fainted when I got the papyrus with the cost, but payed anyway. I was curious to see what other work Velaz did, so I dropped by his workshop. Even with being able to make it rain money I didn’t want to pay quite that much for a statue, but, luckily, he had small lower quality amulets that were more reasonably priced. I got an amulet with the image of the Weaver said to protect the wearer from evil.
I appeared in the middle of the desert and sighed, holding up the amulet. I’m not comfortable with being seen like this, I muttered, I’m not what they think I am! I mean … strange voices inhabiting Voids distributing superpowers is no basis for a claim to Godhood. Genuine Supreme Power has to be granted by a God to a mortal who’s earned it, not some out of body encounter! If I went around saying, “I AM YOUR GOD, BOW TO ME!” just because some smug hallucination bumped my stats up, they’d turn me back into a human!
The wind whipped up around me, and there was the sound of laughter. ‘Smug hallucination,’ eh? You’re lucky I like you, or I might be offended. I could turn you back into a human, life and death aren’t static, but I’m enjoying this too much.
I glanced all around to find the source of the voice, but there was only the sky, wind, and sand. Where are you?
Everywhere. I could hear the shrug in the tone of voice.
Who are you?
That’s mine to know and yours to find out. Best of luck! I’m going to need some more popcorn… You’re very … amewsing … I could picture the sadistic grin of joy that only comes from a bad pun. You’re going to be clawsome, kitten. Trust me, I know…
Whatever it was, it was gone again, but … I felt strangely comforted.
I sighed and went back to wandering the world.
43 years later I walked into my Castle and slammed the door closed. I was covered in something that looked like thick ink and breathing heavily. I dropped something to the floor, where it clattered metallically. I gave a demented laugh. I knew I forgot something … God, they were worse than I could have imagined …
In my other hand I was holding a large can. You are NEVER getting out of there, I snarled at it. I’m putting you somewhere where no one will ever find you, and where there’s nothing you could use as food. You’re not going in some temple for an adventurer to find in a thousand years. … You’re going to STARVE!!! I screamed.
Once I’d made sure it was safely locked away, Alexis and Apep popped onto my shoulders, looking nervous.
“You OK, boss?” Apep asked.
I’M GREAT! WHY WOULDN’T I BE?!!!
“Because you just k-”
“Shut up!” Alexis hissed. He looked at me. “You did what you had to do,” he said softly.
Oh, that makes it so much better. If you use the words “greater good,” I will swat you.
“You can’t undo it, so try to make peace with yourself.”
“What he said,” Apep said. “You didn’t listen to me too much, so that’s good. What?” he said, catching Alexis’s expression, “He’d have gone too far.”
I need a shower. Preferably starting at my marrow and working out.
It took me almost three years to stop having nightmares.
One day I was wandering the largest city in what would become Equestria when I saw a large gathering of ponies. It was before dawn. Everypony was chattering excitedly. On a large stage in the center of town was a group of 7 unicorns. Their horns suddenly lit up and to my shock the sun raised. I hadn’t been paying attention to the sun and moon’s orbit. When I inquired later, unicorns had been raising the sun and the moon for about ten years. The assembled ponies cheered wildly.
My mouth practically opened itself as I said, “Uh … you do know the sun and moon can raise themselves, right?”
The crowd went deathly silent as they all swiveled around to look at me. Finally, a pony near the back shouted. “Blasphemy!”
“Heretic!” shouted a mare.
Oh, for my sake, I muttered, disappearing quickly.
Safe in the desert, I grumbled, You keep forcing the sun and moon up every day, soon they won’t be able to raise themselves, and you’ll have to do it forever. But if that allows you to keep your image as the Master Race, don’t let me stop you. I just created them. Jerks.
I sighed. Guess we’ll need some Alicorns in a couple of centuries…
I was a market in pre-Equestria. Ponies were trading, but …
“Stay away from my daughter, Dirt Pony!” A pegasus snapped.
“I wasn’t anywhere near her, Featherfur!” the earth pony replied.
I sighed. Ah, racism. How I haven’t missed you, I thought wearily. The Three Tribes all distrusted each other at best, with each claiming that the other two were hogging the best of what they had for themselves. I was trying to buy ingredients for one of my favorite soups. I’d made the mistake of looking like a Zebra. Ponies and Zebras weren’t used to each other, which at this point in history meant they loathed me on sight. I’d been to six stalls looking for onions, and they were mysteriously out, or didn’t serve my kind at that stall.
I was getting ready to break. It wouldn’t take much. The unicorn running the vegetable stall I was trying glared at me. “Do you even have magic? You aren’t an Equestrian.”
My teeth were hurting from grinding together so much. “Yes, just a different kind. What on Equis does that have to do with buying potatoes?”
“What are you planning to do with them?”
“Make soup. What are you expecting me to do with potatoes, witchcraft?”
“I wouldn’t put it past you,” he said distrustfully. “That’ll be 25 klek.”
“Twenty-five?!! That’s highway robbery!”
“You’re right,” he said with a nasty grin. “Forty.”
It took all of what little self-control I had to not blow his stall to Kingdom Come and place a hex on his entire posterity. “Done,” I said, giving him the money. “Thank you.”
As I was heading out of the market, an earth pony snarled at a unicorn, “Get out of my face you spell-slinger!”
THAT’S IT!!!! I screamed, thunder rumbling and lightning flashing. If I have to turn each and every one of you into ice pops to get your heads out of your butts so be it! I hoped you packed your mittens kids! WINTER IS COMING! I cackled before running away.
The assembled ponies stared at each other in confusion.
I visited the Frozen North and … well … I’d been saving Windigos for if I had to use them, but I’d figured I might have at some point. They were basically my misanthropy given not-quite-physical form. They fed on hate, so there was less hate in the world if they ate it, and they could only be free to run rampart if the three tribes collectively hated each other. Single ponies or groups weren’t enough to free them.
Fly my minions!!! I said in my best wicked witch voice. They scattered to feed and to freeze.
“You do know you just doomed the entire planet, right?” Alexis asked.
Only until they realize they’re all the same species and that other species aren’t monsters either, I grumbled. If it gets too out of hand, I’ll just undo it. Frankly they need this.
“And if they don’t put aside their differences, invent Hearths’ Warming, and found Equestria?”
Then this whole thing will have been a flop and I will likely end up being a celestial file-clerk for the next few quadrillion years. I dread to think what They do if you fail your first universe.
“‘They,’ capital T, huh? I can’t picture Them doing anything too horrific to you,” Alexis said encouragingly.
“You know, Dante’s Inferno type stuff,” Apep said lazily, floating on his back with his paws behind his head. “You did just cause an event that could potentially cause ponies to freeze and/or starve to death in a perma-blizzard just to “Get their heads out of their butts”,” he said in a perfect impression of me. “I’d hate to have that on my conscience. Luckily, I’m the Other One,” he said with a nasty grin at Alexis.
It honestly worries me when you two agree, and it happens fairly often. The duo shrugged.
Apep looked thoughtful. “Anyway, this only deals with racism in Equestria, one soon-to-be nation. How are you going to ‘fix’ it for the rest of the world?” he asked witheringly, finger-quoting the word fix. “Plagues of locusts? Oceans of blood? Disney Channel original movies?” he snarled, his fur bristling.
“I don’t think things are that dire,” Alexis said mildly. “The rest of the world is better for some reason.”
“Hmph,” Apep grumbled.
I sighed. You’re right. I screwed up. … But … I think this is the only way.
“You don’t need any more lives on your hooves,” Alexis said.
“Or paws, or whatever,” Apep put in.
Right. Well … All I can now do is watch and see how bad it gets.
It took months for the three tribes of ponies to come together. By “come together,” I mean they sent representatives to scream at each other. It was actually lucky that the Windigos got them, or there might have been all-out war. I hadn’t expected the representatives to be as bad as they were. Yes, I spied on the whole affair as a shadow in the cave or on the wall. I wasn’t going to let something this big go unobserved. The first Hearth’s Warming was honestly beautiful.
By one of those inane miracles that kept cropping up for reasons I didn’t know, no one actually died in the blizzard. It had only lasted for three months, but still. That had been incredibly lucky. Crops were destroyed, but the pegasi shared their food stores with the other races, and unicorns cast spells to speed up the production of crops.
There was peace and Harmony in the land at last. Life was good for all creatures in the new nation of Equestria.
Too good, after a while.
With an enraged shout, Gusty the Great used the Bewitching Bell to cast Grogar off a cliff. He looked down. Nothing. Without the Bell, Grogar was powerless, and could no longer be a threat. He walked away to find a place to hide the Bell, where no one could find it.
In the shadows at the bottom of the canyon, Grogar dusted himself off. “Ingrates. I add a little strife and darkness to their lives to toughen them up, and all they do is complain. I wonder how history will regard me. ‘Father of Monsters’ has a nice ring to it. Shame about the Bell, though. … Well, I’m sure someone will find a use for it.” He grinned wickedly. “After all, evil artifacts are half the fun of any game…” Grogar dissolved into shadows, and then faded into legend.
Grogar the Terrible’s three-year reign was regarded as one of the worst periods in Equestrian history. Under his rule, darkness covered the land and monsters roamed freely. I’d never seen my little ponies as united as when they overthrew him. That act firmly cemented the three tribes’ unity. Before Grogar, there had been so much peace and prosperity that ponies had become slothful and arrogant. With something to strive against, they found that they were stronger than they had thought. They found that each of them had something to contribute to each other.
After Grogar, the good times returned, but without the problems of too much prosperity. It was … gratifying. Now that Equestria was safely ticking along, I decided to travel the rest of the world and see what trouble I could get into how I could help there.
I’d had an almost supernatural talent for being in the right place at the right time when I was alive, but now … It was like I was somehow drawn to where I needed to be. I’d feel a gentle tugging in my mind … or in my soul, possibly, that told me where to teleport to when. It wasn’t anything bad, and it had come in handy. Or hoofy, whatever the word was.
This time, I was in the Amanezon jungle, staring at a pyramid temple surrounded by a large village. I was invisible, I usually was until I figured out why I was here. Do people build temples to touch the sky? I mused quietly. No one could hear me.
A feeling of “Get to the second-to-top floor NOW” practically screamed in me. I quickly went in.
To my shock and growing horror, there was a panicking grey earth pony stallion tied to a sacrificial table. A priest wearing a feathered headdress was saying, “Be calm, your soul shall be with the Weaver, and your power shall add to our own. Truly better than the life you were living.”
He raised the knife. It quickly plunged in, blood spurting out. I covered my mouth in horror at what I’d just witnessed. I would never be able to forget it, either.
Oh … my god. He’d just KILLED someone in MY name.
The priest turned to one of his assistants. “Get rid of it,” he said quietly.
Not, “Give him a funeral.” Not even, “Dispose of his body.” Get. Rid. Of. IT.
As the assistants began their work, they were surprised to find the earth shaking. The priest grinned. “The Weaver is pleased with our offering today.”
Outside the temple, the villagers were shocked to see a storm with red lightning appear out of nowhere as the ground shook violently Funnily enough, the only thing the lightning struck was the temple.
The high priest headed into his chambers, removing his headdress and placing it on a pedestal. He heard a slight skittering sound overhead and looked up. He didn’t even have time to scream before the spider three times his size sprang and started to bind him. It left his head free before it attached him, upside-down, to the ceiling and clambered down the wall onto the floor, glaring at him malevolently.
“HELP!!! HELP!!!!” he screamed.
I locked the door and put up a silencing charm, I said, gnashing my chelicera angrily. It’s just you and me. I walked over to him and glared with four of my eyes, my back legs twitching slightly.
“You – you can talk?” he asked in shock.
Don’t you recognize your god? I said mockingly, holding up the claws on my foremost right leg. They were a cherry red.
“Y-you’re the Weaver?” he croaked.
I am. I’m here to break a social rule and discuss religion. Namely the mockery of religion you’ve set up in my name.
“But, I-”
SILENCE!!! I bellowed, my voice shaking the room. I have never, ever asked for sacrifice. For you to sacrifice your fellow creatures to me is an abomination. Here’s what’s going to happen. I’m going to untie you and let you go. You are going to visit every temple in your nation and tell them to stop the sacrifice of any living thing to me. You are going to tell them that if they want to worship me, the best way is to do good deeds to help others. Understand? He nodded. Good. When I untie you, you should probably run.
“Why?”
Because in 136 seconds, this temple isn’t going to be here, and I’d hate for you to B̸̹̩̋͂͌Ř̵̝̚Ȩ̸̙͍̽̕͝A̷̧̤͛K̵͈͍̯̓̊̕ ̸͙̊̅̓Ỵ̷͚͂͌O̸̱̽̿Ǘ̷̡͎͑͠R̵̩̃ ̸̭͐N̷̜͆É̷̛͖͘Ç̷̓K̸͈͇̏ in the fall. Pray to anyone who will listen that we do not meet again.
I untied him. He ran faster than I’d seen anyone who wasn’t an Olympian athlete run.
I crawled to a large cage built into the wall of another room on this floor. Inside it were an earth pony, a unicorn, and a pegasus. They’d cut the horn off the unicorn and the wings off the pegasus to prevent escape. The three screamed when they saw me, which was fair, I was a bloody giant spider.
I’m here to rescue you, I said, pulling the bars off the cage. They were shocked to see the unicorn regrow his horn and the pegasus regrow his wings. Stay close to me, only one of you can fly. They exchanged a confused look and quickly followed as the temple began to shake uncontrollably.
One last hellish bolt of lightning that looked like an upside-down volcano eruption hit the temple, and the entire structure turned into salt and spiders, starting at the top and working its way down. The villagers and the priests who’d all made it out were shocked to see a giant spider protectively cradling three ponies in the center of the mess.
I clicked my mouth. An image of a red right hoofprint made of light and the hieroglyphics for “Be Kind,” appeared in the air above where the temple had stood, looking like angry Northern Lights. They’d remain there for a week.
Where do you live? I asked.
“The village two day’s walk south of here,” the earth pony replied, looking mildly stunned.
Good, I know it. Follow me guys! I said to the three ponies and the thousands of spiders surrounding us.
I walked the whole with through the jungle with them to safely deliver them home. The spiders followed us, scattering off into the jungle in small groups. At one point just for fun, I did a synchronized dance with the other spiders.
After most creatures picturing me as a giant spider, and the incident where “god” in the guise of a giant spider freed three ponies, spiders wound up becoming my sacred animal. Those three ponies certainly spread the tale far and wide.
I didn’t mind spiders anymore, but now that I’d accepted them as a symbol, the little varmints would flock to me, asking for hugz and saying they bringed me a fly. Could have been worse.
I was just hanging out in a small city, watching a blacksmith busy at work. He’d asked if I wanted to buy anything, I told him no, but decided to pay him just to watch. It was honestly sort of hypnotic.
My ear swiveled as I heard a familiar wheezing groan. “What kind of idiot flies a TARDIS with the parking brake on?!” I muttered.
If I’d been drinking something, I would have done a spit-take when Doctor Hooves trotted in front of me. He glanced at me and his eyes traveled to my right forehoof. “Great whickering stallions!” he exclaimed. He rushed over. “It’s so nice to-”
I put a finger to his lips. “It’s obvious that you know me, but from my perspective I’ve never met you before, Lord of Time.”
The Doctor chuckled. “Oh. Right. I forget you do things in the right order.” He cleared his throat. “Sorry about that, random stranger!”
“That might be overdoing it. … Are we … friends? In my future.”
He thought about it, then nodded.
I smiled. “That’s good to know. I look forward to getting to know you properly.”
The Doctor stuck his tongue out, tasting the local time. “Well, you’ve got a long wait.”
“That’s fine, I can-” My eyes widened in horror as I spotted something behind him. “Would you mind slowly turning around, and not blinking? No matter what you do?”
He turned around, “Why what-?” He stared at the statue of a pegasus that was bearing its fangs at him.
I grabbed a hammer from the blacksmith and ignored his objections. I walked over to the Angel. I think you have a hivemind, so take a memo from me. I swung the hammer over its head and hit it with all my strength. The statue shattered, before it crumbled to dust.
The Doctor stared in shock. “It was quantum locked! That should have broken the hammer. Or shattered the planet.”
“I have anger issues,” I said, swinging the hammer over my wither. “Going clubbing helps, but the people around me tend to get hammered.” The Doctor winced at the horrible puns. “I KNOW I didn’t create those things. I guess I’ll have to make a grand tour of the universe and hunt them down. Or, you know, snap my fingers…” I sighed with an eye roll. “Really prefer not to do that, but there is no way I am letting Weeping Angels loose in my universe,” I said. I passed the blacksmith his hammer. “Thanks. Sorry. Do I need to replace it?”
His mouth was hanging open and he shook his head wordlessly after inspecting it. “G’day then. Do you want to meet up later?” I asked the Doctor.
He smiled. “Much later, but you’ll run into me from time to time. We won’t meet for the first time for several times. Best of luck!” He headed back to his TARDIS.
I chuckled. I then grabbed the blacksmith’s face and squealed, “HE’S REAL!!!”, fanboying out of my mind.
The blacksmith wondered if he should call the police, before I disappeared. He stared at the hammer in his hoof in shock. “That’s the last time I mix cider and carrot juice before bed,” he said, hanging a “Closed” sign on his door before he went home and had a nervous collapse.
After a few years I noticed the ponies were starting to get fat and lazy again. The world was a little too perfect. Too sunny. Too cheerful. Too bland.
I sighed. Welp. Only one thing for this, I guess…
I headed back to my demiplane and tried to remember how I’d made it. Most of it had been unconsciously, but …
I found a good spot for another dimension, and created a seething, boiling soup of pure chaos. Nothing was stable here. Nothing was expected. I wasn’t sure what to do next, until I had a brilliant, horrible idea.
I pulled my soul out of my body. I was disappointed it looked human, if I’m going to be honest. I glanced at its hands. I reached out and broke off its right hand.
I then let out an unholy screech of pain that curdled the air around me before I fell down and wound up in the fetal position, whimpering.
When I could talk again, I screamed, HOW THE [redacted] DID [redacted] VOLDEMORT [redacted] DO THAT, SIX [redacted] TIMES?!!!!
“In fairness a Horcrux is a little more refined then what you just did,” Alexis said.
I glanced at my soul. That should heal. In a few years, I muttered. I pulled the rest of my soul into my body and stared at the fragment I was holding.
I held it out to the air around it, and magically pulled pure chaos magic into it. I concentrated and a body formed around the soul fragment, as it stretched and grew to fit.
When I was done, a long, furry, noodle-shaped body was hovering in the air in front of me. It cracked open a pair of yellow and red eyes. He looked at his hands in wonder as he turned them over, wondering why they didn’t match.
“Wh-” His voice was hoarse; he hadn’t used it before. He licked his lips with a long, forked tongue and tried again. “What am I?”
You are Discord. A powerful Spirit and the embodiment of Chaos itself.
“What are you?”
My mind raced with answers, before I laughed and said, I guess … I guess I’m your father.
Discord held out his eagle’s talons as an offer to shake my hand. As I did, a loud farting sound came out from my hand. Discord chuckled and held out his talons to reveal he’d summoned up a whoopie cushion.
I laughed too. That’s my boy!