//------------------------------// // Dorks in the darkness // Story: House of the Rising Sunflower // by kudzuhaiku //------------------------------// "It was easier living with you than without you." Standing near the grave of his departed grandmother, Sundance allowed a stifled sigh to escape. "You told me stories. So many stories. Stories about pegasus ponies that hunted with wolves. You told me about how we were lords and ladies. We had this great, storied past… and I am absolutely terrified that I'll have a great, storied future. I am a part of something that is so big that I can't comprehend it. I took part in something that has far-reaching consequences.  "Ponies have died, I guess. Don't know what to make of it. I rescued a filly. Like some hero that goes off to rescue a damsel from a tower. Only this was real. This was ugly. This was real, this was ugly, and this got real ugly real fast. That filly, she's really messed up from being shut away for so long. It's not the sort of thing that a quick kiss can fix. I don't think a happily ever after is even possible, but I might be wrong. Maybe she'll bounce back. She might be normal someday… whatever normal is. I don't even know anymore. Grandma, I've seen some stuff. There's evil in the world… and I've stood in its shadow.  "Not just the cartoony evil in afternoon matinees and comic books either. But evils that we've made. Maybe we didn't mean to do it, or maybe we did. In the case of that filly I mentioned, that was done on purpose. I'm pretty sure they believe they had good intentions. Maybe they did. I'm too scared to judge because of my own good intentions. But I walked into an actual honest-to-alicorns den of evil and then I walked out again because I kept my head.  "Still not sure how I did that. Still not sure how to feel. Don't know how to deal with what I saw and the ponies I encountered. It scares me that they might have meant well. Even worse, this might happen again. Being what I am… it means I've got to do the things that other ponies don't want to do. I have to clean up messes and go into dens of iniquity to rescue fillies in distress. Grandma, I'm not complaining… believe me, I'm not. But this is hard. Nothing in my life has prepared me for this.  "I remember when I was little… when I looked up at you, the sun would just shine off of your face. Sometimes, when the light hit you just right, you looked like you were on fire. I think about that a lot and I don't know why. You were a light in the world… now that light is gone and I miss you. I sure could use that light right now. Everything feels dark. Not impossibly dark… I guess… just uncomfortably dark.  "I have to go light up the world for others. But I'll be back, I promise. We'll talk again."    The cellar was a cool place where the sun's warmth did not reach. Every breath taken was remarkably dry and easy on the lungs. When Sundance thought of all the earth overhead, he was reminded of all of the horrors that could be so easily hidden from view—and how he himself could get away with awful things down here. The cellar could become a dungeon; but he was a firm believer that whatever was done whilst hidden away in the darkness would come into the light soon enough. Agents of the light, such as himself, went into those dark places and brought the justice of the sun with them—even if they were duped into doing so and were unwitting accomplices.  These thoughts offered little comfort, however.  More than just a place to store food, the cellar was now a place of comfort and healing. Which made it undungeon-like in the best possible way. River Raider was down here, and by now, she had to know of his arrival. He strode down the hall in silence, with only the sound of his hooves against the stone for company. After his chat with his grandmother, he felt different—but he wasn't sure if he felt better.  His mother was a scuffler. A scrapper. She didn't go looking for trouble, but she made herself readily available so trouble could find her. Walking a beat was her purpose and she'd made a life of it. Officer Mom put herself out in the open and trouble was put on notice. By virtue of her very existence, she made lives better. Safer. Now, more so than ever, Sundance began to appreciate what she did. She did her rounds—and at the moment he was doing his.  At the end of the long hallway, he turned left…    River Raider stood in the middle of her room with a thin length of wood dangling from the corner of her mouth. The tip was burnt to charcoal and the smell of scorched wood left Sundance feeling sneezy. On the floor was a sheet of paper, which was dusty and darkened from charcoal. Thin and thick lines could be seen; shapes, structures, the foundations of art. This paper was one of many, and there were papers everywhere, with drawings in various states and stages of finish.  Sundance could not help but notice that the partially-finished face on the paper on the floor bore more than a little passing resemblance to himself. River Raider twisted her head around to look at him sideways, and the makeshift charcoal pencil quivered in the corner of her mouth. Her eyes were almost luminous in the dim light of the oil lamp that burned atop the crude wooden table in the corner. He was a creature of the sun, and she a creature of the moon, but they were both pegasus ponies. There was some kind of kinship there, even if he failed to understand it.  "Don't look at me as if I were food," she said to him, her words somewhat muffled by the length of wood in the corner of her mouth.  "Say what?" Confused, every single one of his feathers fluffed out, and he felt his dock muscles tense.  "You've got a hungry look in your eye," she said in a low, sooty rumble.  "What? No, I… I just had breakfast. I don't know what you mean. I… I… me… eating you…" Hot blood rushed through his neck and flooded his face. His cheeks almost sizzled and he feared that his ears would either pop or combust. Words were the enemy right now, so he gave up trying to say them. His brain might also betray him, so he did his best to corral his thoughts before he got himself into trouble.  "What do you know of pegasus ponies?" she asked. "Do you know the origin of your species? Our species?" Grimacing, she spat out the charcoal pencil onto the floor, lifted her head, and leveled her deadpan stare upon Sundance. "I've been contemplating our species during my recovery. I like it down here. It's peaceful and quiet. Corduroy is an excellent nurse."  "I'm glad you feel that way," he said to her whilst he struggled to get his traitorous thoughts back into order.  "Have you ever contemplated your teeth?" the big brute of a mare asked.  "Teeth?" Troubled by this question, Sundance ran his tongue over his teeth and wondered if they needed a better brushing.  "You are part of an observant species," she said in a dire deadpan. "Surely you've noticed that your teeth are different than those found in earth ponies and unicorns."  He shrugged. "I don't spend a lot of time staring into the mouths of my fellow ponies."  River Raider adjusted her stance. She was a huge mountain of a mare, with pillared columns for legs and a broad fortress of a back. Watching her move was hypnotic, as sheer slabs of heavy muscle slid beneath her skin. The clean white bandages that covered her wings stood out in sharp contrast against her sooty hide. She was a creature of incredible width, more than twice as wide as Sundance in the shoulders, or maybe closer to thrice.  "Your front teeth are ridged. Thin-edged. They are not broad and flat like those seen in earth ponies and unicorns."  "You seem fixated on teeth," was his baffled response.  "Tell me, Sundance… what crops grow on the clouds? What grows atop mountains? What miraculous grain uproots to follow nomads as they traverse the sky?"  There was a point to all of this, but Sundance had no idea what it might be.  "Ah… you've never stopped to question why." She blinked, and the almost luminous pools of liquid soul vanished for a moment. Smoke rose in agitated curls from the corners of her mouth and her tail swished around her hind legs. "I question everything. And as part of a species of telepaths, that is not an appreciated trait. My questions spread like an infection. Questions are not appreciated among my kind. We are born to question others… so it seems… but also to obey and to never question ourselves. Tragic, really."  "Teeth?" Sundance asked helpfully.  "Pegasus ponies are creatures of intense energy and movement. Sure, they're prone to naps… but napping is a trait shared by predacious species."  Tight lipped, Sundance narrowed his eyes at River Raider.  "Ah, there we go. It has dawned upon you. A glorious day has happened." The left corner of River Raider's mouth contorted into a smirk. "High energy creatures need protein. Lots of protein. Grains do not grow on top of mountains, and fruit orchards cannot be planted upon the clouds. Pegasus ponies had to eat what food was available as they flew from place to place. Anything and everything. When a city was sacked and pillaged, a well-rounded diet could be had. But during the lean times… din-din was fast food."  "Is there a point to this?" he asked.  In response, River Raider shrugged with her shaggy, tufted ears. "What's the point to anything, really?"  "Are you asking me to dinner?" he dared to ask.  "Oh, you are a bold little pony of the day," she said with a shake of her head. "Were I but a little lonelier, I might accept." A smoggy sigh erupted from her as if she were a disturbed volcano. "Truth be told, I do find myself thinking of you." As she spoke, she lifted her right front hoof and then pressed it down atop the sketch on the floor in front of her. "When you are here, like right now, I wish that you were gone. But when you are away, I wish that you were here. It is really quite perplexing to me. Which leaves me with a lot of questions."  Then, before Sundance could respond, she broke the back and forth by saying, "You've come to me for help. But you don't want to ask because you don't wish to impose your will upon me. This was a dry run. You weren't actually going to ask me for my help, not on this visit, but you were going to work up your courage a bit so that you could think about asking for my help on a future visit."  His ears sank as he nodded.  "You thought that somehow, I wouldn't know this. Foolish."  Again, he nodded, and then he squirmed when he felt a prickle tickle his brain.  "Sparrowhawk?" Brows furrowed, her face stern, River Raider spoke a smoky sentence: "There is a stain of darkness left smeared upon the creases and folds of your mind. Even so troubled, you wish to know the truth, though you fear what you might learn. Your bravery will take you to dark places, little dancer of the daylight hours."  "I don't think Wormwood told me everything… and I need to know. If I am to help her, I have to know. I think there's a lot that Wormwood knows that he didn't tell me. Maybe to protect me. I don't know why he did what he did. He seems like a good sort."  "Wormwood is the best sort," River Raider was quick to say. "He questions."  "You know him?" asked Sundance.  For the first time, River Raider did not have an instant response at the ready. She turned about suddenly, presenting her profile to Sundance. He watched as her ears rotated like hairy oars and listened as paper rustled beneath her hoof. Smitten as he was, he could not help himself, and he very much wanted to be close to her at this moment. To be near her. Close enough to touch. Guilty about his thoughts, he took a step backwards away from River Raider.  "I know him," she said at last, and this reply was almost a whisper. "Wormwood. Martial Warden. Made himself mightily unpopular amongst our kind. He pointed out a contradiction in our way. He dared to speak out about the Wardens and the future of our kind in Equestria."  Hopeful, Sundance dared ask, "Can you… tell me… what happened?"  "Our end-goal is acceptance and integration as a species," River Raider said in a wholly different tone of voice, one made soft with worry. "Wormwood dared to point out the fact that the service of the Wardens runs counter-productive to our goal as a species. We're seen as terrors. Figures of punishment. We're spooky, mysterious, and unknown. And little ponies of the day are deathly afraid of the unknown. They're afraid of us. And we make it worse by serving as Wardens."  Unable to do anything else, Sundance did what he did best; he listened.  "Wormwood dared to point this out to the higher-ups. He continued to speak out even as our elders ordered him to be silent and to serve in silence. There was a lot of"—troubled, she hesitated for a time—"friction amongst our ranks. We found ourselves divided. Wormwood garnered a lot of followers that felt the same way he did."  "Is that how he ended up working for Mrs. Velvet?" he asked.  She answered, "That's exactly how. He made it known that when his time of service was done, he would make a difference. Wormwood wanted to work with foals… he wanted them to see us as heroes. As helpers. As healers. Wormwood spoke a great deal about how important it was for a generation to grow up and see us as something other than night terrors. Now he is a divisive figure among our ranks… hated by many, and loved by a few."  "Loved by you?" As the words left his mouth, Sundance saw River Raider's head turn in his direction.  "I took his side, yes. And that didn't make me little Miss Popular, let me tell you. It took all the problems I already had and made them worse. And if I were to tell the truth about it, I became downright antagonistic about it to drive others away from me, so I could have some peace and quiet. I sent my thoughts out loud and clear and drove everypony around me to distraction."  "I think I like that about you and I—" His words trailed off into nothingness when he saw how she stared at him. It was as if her eyes were piercing into his soul, and there was an itch inside his brain, somewhere near the middle, in a place impossible to scratch. Since words were largely useless, he tried to clarify his thoughts so that River Raider could read them clearly.  After several long seconds of intense scrutiny, her expression softened, and Sundance allowed himself to relax just a little bit. There was something about her eyes though… something had changed. Her face, too. The hardness had softened. She wore no smirk, and her deadpan mask was gone, at least for the moment. A reader of faces, Sundance saw hurt… but there was also hope to be seen. He desperately wanted to kindle that tiny flicker of hope and stoke it into a fire.  "I… I… I need… I need you to help me," he stammered as he tried to come to terms with the naked, vulnerable mare before him. "I need you to help me so I can help others. What I need from you is for you to be like Wormwood. Sparrowhawk needs help… but there are others, too. I need to be able to understand them. The little ones in my care, I mean. Well, you already know what I mean, but I'm saying it anyway, because I'm not a telepath and it feels good to say words rather than just try to think your thoughts at somepony.  "It's time for you to do your part here. I don't ask for much from anypony, and I feel that I am reasonable with my requests. You have a gift. It's something that I barely understand, but I plan to put it to use. What I need from you is for you to spend some time with these kids placed in my care. Get to know them. And then I need you to tell me what's going on inside those little heads of theirs so I can help them. I need to know what makes them tick. I'm flying blind into the darkness and so I need you. I need you."  "Nopony has ever needed me… or even wanted me around…"  "Then you spent time around the wrong ponies," Sundance blurted out. "Assholes, all of them. Incorrigible cold-porridge assholes!"  "That's something that your grandmother and your mother say."  "And now I'm saying it too!" His hooves shuffled, his feathers were rustled, and Sundance found himself filled with agitation. "Look, I know this will be hard for you… and you know I know. I know you know I know and so you should know how hard this is for me to ask you, and… well… we both know that we know how difficult this is for both of us and I don't want to put you on the spot but—"  "But it's time I earned my keep, right?" she asked.  "Uh…"  "I'll help you," she said. "I'd like to help you. When all of that happened with Wormwood… I think that was the last time I felt good about myself and what I was. I'd like to feel that again."  "Well," he began. "Alright then." After a deep breath, and then another, he felt better.  "I'm scared."  This was unexpected; he did not have a response.  "You heard me," she said in a scratchy, smoggy whisper. "I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll be overwhelmed and then I'll do what I always do to drive others away and then the foals will either hate me or be scared of me. I don't know if I trust myself. Still willing to help… but there might be problems ahead. Rough skies and all that."  "We'll get through that." Sundance spoke these words without a thought made about his response. "If I am going to be the Princess Celestia to these ponies, then I need you to be my Princess Luna and I—"  "You want us to be squabbling siblings?"  "What?"  "Do you want me to utterly roast you at every conceivable opportunity with contentious snark and caustic wit?"  "Say again?" "You made a very strange request… one that I cannot even begin to process."  "It made more sense in my head—"  "I can see quite clearly inside your head, and not much in there makes sense right now. It's like your brain is made of cats."  "Cats?"  "Yes, cats. Meow."  "Meow?"  "That annoying sound that cats make. Your brain is a real mess… just like your old bedroom. Stuff everywhere. No organisation. Just a clutter of thoughts and mental dust bunnies everywhere."  "It can't possibly be that bad—"  "Oh, but it is."  "I kept my room clean!"  "You should know by now that I can't be lied to. You had the illusion of cleanliness. But you open up the closet door, or look beneath the bed, and—"  "Well, the clutter had to go somewhere!"  "That's just moving a mess from one location to another. Without actually cleaning up the mess. It seems that they'll let any pony be a baron these days. Even mess-movers."  Stymied, Sundance lacked a means of response. Oh, but he tried; he tried to come up with something to defend himself, but there was nothing. Words failed him. This mare was inside of his head and he suspected that she knew his thoughts better than he did. Was this her being friendly? It might very well be. There was something to be said about her antagonistic charms though. She was inside of his head right now as he tried to sort all of this out.  He was fine with that; there was nothing to hide.  "You didn't cause those suicides," she said, her words a raspy growl that was pleasing to Sundance's ears.  All of Sundance's thoughts came to one crystal clear focal point.  "The cowardly flee the brave. The weak fear the strong. The craven disparage the honourable. The gutless empty their bowels when faced with feats of intestinal fortitude."  "You… you are… you are a strange mare. A strange pony."  "Strange as I might be, I'm not wrong. This is the way of things. The way of life. You didn't cause those suicides. There's a thorn in your mind, and if you don't pull it out, it will fester. You cannot, I repeat, you cannot hold yourself responsible for what happened. You were but a small part in a much larger sequence of events. A chain of consequences."  "Feels like that chain is around my neck," he said, confessing his feelings.  Her head bobbed; she nodded for a time, patient and wise. "I'm sure it does. And at the end of that chain, there's an anchor. Don't let it drag you down into a sea of despair. You're too sunny for such darkness."  "Thank you?" "That wasn't a compliment."  "I took it as one."  "You're an annoying little sunspot." River Raider bristled as she spoke. "A creature of annoying simple goodness—"  "We've established this already. You've made those feelings known to me."  "We have indeed… but right now, you're trying to drag me out into the sun with you… and I am annoyed with you. Believe me when I say, you will suffer for your sins."  "I suffer for all I do," was his response.  "You do. You take all of this so seriously. Does it help you if I tell you that you see those suicides as a failure on your part, and that there is a part of you that believes that you could have done better? Does that make things clearer? Does it help?"  "That doesn't help me at all… not in the slightest."  "Good." River Raider's facial expression was the exact opposite of her antagonistic response. Her eyes? Sad. Her mouth? Downturned. Her ears? Sagging. "Being Princess Luna isn't as much fun as I thought it would be. It's no wonder we're both so lonesome."  "When I came down here, you talked to me about teeth." He cleared his throat. "Tell me all your thoughts on teeth."  "You actually mean that…"  "I wouldn't have said it otherwise. You can look into my head, remember? So I'm not about to say something I don't mean. You've clearly put a lot of thought into teeth… so tell me about what you've been thinking. Tell me what it means to be a pegasus… from your perspective. Share with me your observations."  "Well, if you really want to know…"  "I do… I really do. Plus, you need some practice so you can talk to others."  "You're an annoying little sunbeam."  "That I am," he replied with a nod. "Now talk to me about teeth. Or whatever. I'm sure that you have a lot you want to say."