//------------------------------// // Chapter 12: A Typical Day in the Cloudsdale Hive // Story: Undead Robot Bug Crusaders: Unusual Lives // by Banjo64 //------------------------------// “Good morning, everyone! I made pancakes!” “Gah…” “Ugh…” “Butter! It’s four-thirty in the morning! It’s way too early for this!” “I think this is a record for him.” “Nah. There was that one time he cooked breakfast at two in the morning.” “Bleh. Don’t remind me.” “Oops. Sorry, I just wanted to let everyone know the food is nice and hot.” “Which we never get to enjoy because you always cook it so darn early!” “Yeah!” “Seriously.” “You really need to stop, Butter.” “Wait a minute, how come mom never punishes him for waking us all up so early?” “Because she’s practically disguised as a rock when she sleeps?” “Eh, she’s a rock all the time. You can just tell because of how boring she...” “Shut up, Twitch!” “Ah… today’s going to be a great day, I can feel it!” “Of course you do, Beetle. It’s Saturday. Any day we don’t have school is a good day.” “Says you. I can think of several hundred examples of why Saturdays are rarely good days.” “Scootaloo, yours don’t count. A Ponyville Saturday is a completely different story than… well, pretty much an ‘anywhere else’ Saturday.”  “Yeah. Bet you twenty bits that something’s going to happen to her in less than an hour.” “No deal. It’s way too obvious.” “Yeah.” “Agreed.” “She’s doomed.” “I’d be offended, but even I have to admit you’re probably right. But maybe this week the disaster won’t happen to me.” “Maybe, if you hadn’t just jinxed it. Today is sure to give the rest of us quite the show.” “I’ll start the popcorn.” “Ugh… and you changelings wonder why I left the hive…” “Check it out! Scootaloo’s fallen down a well!” “Wait, what? How?” “I watched the whole thing, and I have no idea. Something about a wagon, I think.” “Nah. It was that lawyer creep. She walked right past him a minute ago and didn’t even notice.” “Oh. Guess she has no one to blame but herself, then.” “Wow, guys. You’re all so supportive. I bet you’re all just running to Ponyville to help pull me out.” “Eh, I’m not worried. I’m certain a dog will show up to help you in no time.” “Really, Twitch? You’re seriously going with such a painfully overused joke?” “If I didn’t somepony else would. I can’t let any of you steal my thunder.” “That’s… kind of ominous...” “Gah! Mom! Twitch put some kind of gunk on my chair!” “Ew. It looks like toothpaste.” “Pff. As if I’d resort to such a pedestrian substance.” “Then what the buck did I just sit in? Vanilla pudding? It doesn't smell like it.” “Uh… Poppy? I think you’ll want to get out of that chair. Like, right now.” “Well, I wasn’t planning on staying on it and… wait, I’m stuck! Is this glue?!” “Quick drying. He he he…” “Sigh… I’ll get the crowbar.” “Twitch, I swear, one day I’m going to find a way to kill you that won’t get me arrested…” “Uh… who left this box out in the tunnel?” “Whoops. Sorry, Uno. That’d be mine. I was wondering why the weight was suddenly a lot lighter.” “Ugh, Lynx, what are you doing this time? This thing is almost as big as you are!” “Exactly. I wanted to do some strength building, so I was carrying that thing around for hours.” “She’s not lying. She really has carried that thing around the hive. I don’t know how you didn’t notice sooner.” “Because despite the name, Uno ain’t number one.” “...” “...” “You know, I’m not even angry. That was pretty good, Dove.” “I try. Unlike certain other changelings.” “Oh, goodie! I have my next target.” “Oh! Oh oh oh! I just had an idea!” “Sigh… what is it this time, Goose? “What if we set up some ramps, run them through the steeper tunnels, and have a go-kart…” “No.” “No.” “Nope.” “Uh-uh.” “No chance.” “Goose, did you forget what happened last time we tried that?” “Wait, we already tried that?” “Yes. And less than two minutes into the race there was a crash that ended it.” “The final score was twenty changelings in the nearest medical chamber, twelve platforms destroyed that needed to be rebuilt, and an entire chamber full of changelings trapped for eight hours after the cave-in.” “Which was especially impressive considering that said chamber had six connected tunnels!” “Though, to be fair, it was mostly Beetle’s fault. If those wheels hadn’t fallen off when Poppy reached that one turn…” “One time! That was one time, dang it! Everypony else’s karts were fine!” “Gah! What’s that smell?!” “What are you talking about… Bleh! What the buck?!” “Quick, disguise as something with a terrible sense of smell!” “Whew. That’s much better. Now what the hay was that?” “I think it was this ugly thing. Hm… yep. Something nasty’s there.” “I’m not touching it.” “Me neither. I’m calling a janitor and getting the heck out of here. This has Twitch written all over… GAH!” “EEEEWWWW! Twitch! What the buck did you do?!” “A little trick called a distraction. You really shouldn’t let your guard down like that.” “Bathroom! Bathroom now!” “Oh, you are so getting it once we’ve cleaned up, Twitch!” “Hey guys, check it out! Scootaloo crashed through a window and landed in a toilet!” “I landed ON the toilet! The lid was down! Would you guys just leave me alone already?!” “Oof. She’s really mad now. Her situation must really stink.” “Yeah. sounds like you’re having a really crappy day, Scoots.” “Uh-huh. Sometimes it feels like the world is just dumping on you.” “Toilet humor?! Really, guys?! Even Twitch wouldn’t stoop that low!” “I dunno. Maybe if I’m in an extra ******y mood.” … “I hate all of you.” “Oh crud, look out!” … “Whew. No one was hurt.” “Again, Beetle? Seriously, this has to be the twentieth time one of your elevators collapsed this week!” “Third time this month. If you’re going to mock me, at least do it accurately.” “She’s right, though. You really need to rework these things.” “I agree. Beetle, we’re not scheduled for any guests for the next few days. Please take the time to fix these things. We’ve been lucky so far, but one accident while a pony is using the elevator…” “Right. I’ll get right on it, mom. It’s not like anypony else in this entire hive knows how to use a hammer…” “What are you talking about, Beetle? You volunteered to build the darn things.” “I never said I wanted to do the entire job by myself!” “…” “…” “He has a point.” “So… is this a fail on his end or mom’s? “Both.” “Yeah, both.” “Lunch is ready!” “Oh, thank the All-Mother. I’m starving!” “Nice to meet you, starving. Have you met my brother, Uno?” “Wow. Just wow. Aren’t you a little young for dad jokes?” “What the heck even is a dad joke? How is it any different from a typical, cheesy, bad one?” “It’s the kind of joke a dad would make.” “Which means what exactly? None of us really have dads...” “Well, technically, when mom…” “Twitch! Shut up before I run to the other end of the hive and knock all your teeth out!” “I agree. That is not a subject you should be talking about, Twitch.” “Yeah. I thought even you disliked thinking about it.” “I do. I just wanted the topic to come up right before lunch.” “…” “…” “…” “All of you better still eat this. I spent hours cooking it.” “Hey, check it out! Scootaloo’s stuck in a tree!” “I am not! I’m just resting while I wait for my friends.” “Resting while dangling from one leg trapped between branches?” “Yeah. I’m trying to relax the thestral way.” “I think that’s just a myth.” “I dunno. The thestrals lived in caves. Who’s to say they didn’t sleep hanging from the ceiling?” “Because they were only half-bat? And all the blood would have rushed to their brains? There’s no evidence they did it, Goose.” “Well, there’s no evidence they didn't do it, either.” “Are we really arguing over this? Shouldn’t we be focusing on Scootaloo?” “Nope. You’re supposed to be good and distracted so I don’t have to put up with you until I get down.” “Oh. That makes sense!” “Goose, I swear…” “No.” “Uh… no what?” “No, I’m not going in there.” “Uh… why?” “My Twitch Sense is tingling. I can tell that he’s been here recently, and I want nothing to do with it.” “You have a Twitch Sense?” “Where do I get one?” “I’d give you my life savings for it.” “You spend all your bits the moment you get them, Beetle. And besides, by this point all of us should have one. You can only suffer this torment for so long before you start building up resistances to it.” “Uh… Dove? You might want to look behind you.” “... Nothing. What are you… Ah!” “Gah!” “Ew!” “Seriously?!” “Welp, looks like the Twitch Sense of yours needs tuning, Dove. Clearly, it’s nowhere near strong enough to stop me.” “That’s not something to take pride in, Twitch.” “Says you. Now have fun scrubbing that out of your chitin.” “Mom! Twitch locked the bathroom door shut again!” “Stop it, Twitch! My plushies do not belong on a dart board!” “Twitch! What the buck did you do to my favorite vase?!” “Actually, that one was me. Sorry, I lost my balance at the worst possible moment. I’m getting the glue right now.” “You know, as much as I’d hate to admit it, I am not responsible for everything that goes wrong in the hive. And I am not the sort to take undeserved credit.” “Oh. Well, I’d apologize, but I don’t think you deserve it, Twitch. Or even want it. Wait, how would glue help this mess?” “Well, how else are we going to put it back together?” “But it’s not just broken. It’s covered in this pink gunk.” “What? I didn’t do that. All I did was break it.” “Then why…” “I do, however, take all the credit for that one. Might want to do something about the bubble gum before it hardens.” “I… you… ugh, Twitch! I swear to the All-Mother…” “Hey! Scootaloo just ate half her body weight in cotton candy!” “Ugh… my stomach…” “Really, what were you expecting, taking a bet like that? If you’re going to do something that stupid, at least make sure you get a decent number of bits out of it.” “Yeah. And leave the binge eating to the robot. At least she doesn’t end up sick because of it. Which is completely unfair, by the way.” “Or the ghoul. Then again, it would probably hurt, but it wouldn’t kill her.” “Hm… you know, there might be some value to that idea. If we’re doing an interrogation…” “None of that now. You’re far too young to be thinking of such things. And no, we are not designing a torture system based on excessive sugar. There are some lines that should never be crossed.” “Fine, mom. I’m just saying Scootaloo seems to be in a lot of pain right now. She’s probably going to start puking any second now.” “Shut… up…” “Any second…” “Uh… guys? I’m lost.” “Again?” “Really, Goose?” “You’ve been living in the hive for your entire life. How the buck can you still struggle to get around?” “I’m sorry! But I just don’t recognize this tunnel at all!” “Sigh… let me take a look and… wait, what? Where is this?” “Wait a minute… this isn’t our hive. I think it’s the Manehattan one. Goose, how the buck did you make it to the Manehattan hive without anyone noticing?!” “I don’t know.” … … “Mom, you might want to let the other hive know about this.” “Oh, yes. Of course. But honestly, how in Equestria did this happen?” “Mom, we’re out of bandages in this medical chamber.” “Really? I could have sworn we resupplied only yesterday…” “I think I know what happened to them. You might want to look at this.” “Look at… by the All-Mother, what is THAT?!” “Like it? I believe I have created a masterpiece of our generation. I call: “Fields of Agony.” “...” “...” “I’m especially proud of the shades of blood. It took me ages to mix the paint right.” “Right. Twitch, you’re grounded. Again. I’ve come to accept a great deal of your antics, and that preventing them is a struggle I will never win, but I will not tolerate wasting valuable medical supplies for a joke. Especially one so crude.” “Alas, I am unappreciated in my time.” “Why isn’t he permanently grounded yet?” “Because if we lock him in his room for too long, he breaks out and gets even worse. You know this, Uno.” “I wasn’t talking about his room.” … “I don’t have an answer for that one.” “Wow! Guys, look at how badly Scootaloo botched her disguise.” “Oof. Yeah, the scales can be really tricky. I’m still struggling to get it right myself.” “Seriously. Why are fish so hard? We’ve been spending months just learning how to make gills.” “The trick is that you need to keep the image of how each scale looks, but not focus on each individual scale coating your body.” “... huh. That worked. Thanks for the tip, Beetle.” “My pleasure, Scoots.” … “But seriously, that was hideous. You officially win the ‘worst attempt at a fish disguise’ award.” “Gee, thanks, Beetle. All my dreams are being realized. I feel so proud right now.” “Wow, Scoots. I never would have thought you were so ambitious. Truly, you are destined for great things.” “The sarcasm is strong with these two...” “I… legitimately can’t tell if Twitch is being insulting or not.” “Then my work here is done.” “Hey, I think I feel a Heart Song coming on!” “Quick! Someone tackle her!” Oh, calm down, Uno. What’s wrong with a little music in our lives?” “Remember what happened last time Lynx started a Heart Song? About pushing limits?” “Oh… right. Yeah, someone stop her before we all end up with sprained limbs again!” “Bunch of wimps. Can’t handle a little exercise?” “Exercise, yes. Five hour workout sessions, not so much. And I seem to recall your legs being the most damaged, Lynx.” … “Buck it. Doing it anywa- ow!” “By doctor’s orders, this event has been cancelled.” “Nice one, Poppy.” “The tackle or the one-liner?” “The tackle. The line was cliche and boring.” “You know, I could just let her start singing…” “Whew, what a day. Night, everyone.” “Good night.” “Night.” “See you in the morning.” … … … “Hey, Beetle.” … “Beetle.” … “Baby bug.” “What, Twitch? What the buck do you want?” “Did you notice the little present I left in your bed?” “Yes. And I took care of it before getting in. Good night, you disgrace.” … ... “Hey, Uno…” “Shut it, Twitch. I got rid of mine, too.” … “Hey, Goose…” “Twitch, even I know better than to get in bed without checking for any surprises first.” “Face it, Twitch. You’re not getting anyone tonight.” “I wouldn’t be too sure about that.” … “Twitch, would you care to explain why your aunts are currently covered in syrup and yelling at me?” “I think you can work that out for yourself, mom.” “Sigh… Twitch, one of these days…”