>Attempt to sell Redwood to Flim and Flam in exchange for peace.
I can feel the orphans staring at me. For now, I try to ignore them and focus on my breathing exercises. Breathe in, breathe out. Just like my third therapist taught me. Breathe in, breathe out. Ignore the little bug-eyed midgets chittering behind me, and focus on the problem. Breathe in, breathe out. Think it through. Find the solution. Breathe in, breathe out.
Except how can I find a solution when my entire life is one gigantic problem?
I never asked for any of this. I never wanted to negotiate with the orphans. I never wanted to be saddled with Cash's useless crotch-spawn. I never wanted to be in Dragonfall. Hell, go back far enough, I never even wanted to be a mercenary. I just wanted to get away from my parents and bang the recruiter. How did it all come to this? Why am I here? What's the point of anything? Does life truly have any meaning? Is there really a grand design, a destiny for us all that our cutie marks guide us to? Or are we merely moths, adrift in a dark, uncaring night, drawn mindlessly towards whatever feeble light and warmth we can find?
I know now, as I have always known, that no benevolent god rules our world. What benevolent god would allow a city like Dragonfall to exist, I ask? What benevolent god could ever create the Flim Flam brothers?
"Ummm... Dad?" A small, squeaky voice stutters from behind me. "Are you okay? You've been shuddering and breathing real heavy for like three minutes now..."
I uncover my face and lift my head, and stare once more at the girl, my latest source of woe. It's my fault, really; I should never have expected a child to be useful for anything.
"...I'm fine," I mutter through gritted teeth. "I'm just thinking. Thinking of a whole new plan, since I obviously can't rely on you for anything."
Redwood frowns.
"Why do you need me anyway?" she whispers harshly to me, leaning in closer so that we're not overheard. "I'm just a kid! I don't know anything about nego... negoshi... whatevers! You shoulda had a plan when we got here!"
I blink furiously at her, but cannot say anything. She's right. This is my fault. I should never have trusted her. Her special talent is winning, and she can't even win an argument for me. She's even more useless than my ex—
Inspiration hits me like a thunderbolt. I jerk upright. A wide grin rapidly spreads across my face as I seize Redwood's hoof and drag her to the twin thrones of the Orphan Kings.
"So! I've given it some thought, and I believe I have a solution to our dilemma. I can't formally promise that the Sunhearts and the Dragonfall Mob won't broker any kind of agreement in the future. That's very much a matter for the Captain to decide, and she might feel differently than I. But we can still maintain a lasting peace between ourselves through other means, one which the Sunhearts will be incentivised not to break."
Releasing Redwood, I give her a firm shove toward Flim and Flam's thrones, to which she yelps in protest.
"I offer you my daughter's hoof in marriage, in exchange for this peace."
Redwood turns to me, blinking dumbly.
"...Um... what?"
Flim and Flam stare blankly at me, for once caught flat-hoofed. They briefly look to each other, then to Redwood, and finally back to me again.
"Well... Uh... Um..." says Flam.
"That is to say... meaning no offense, good sir, but... marriage?" his brother adds.
"Yyyyyeah... She's a little... young, don't you think?"
"And... frankly, so are we, for that matter!"
"Besides..." Redwood glances between Flim and Flam, her ear twitching. "Which one of them would I marry?"
"Whichever one you want, girl," I answer, causing the brothers to stammer their feeble protests.
"So can I marry them both?"
A horrified silence falls over my opponents. I give Redwood a long look while I consider her question, and its implications.
It's getting harder and harder to deny that she's my daughter.
"...Sure, why not."
Redwood smiles, and I smile slightly in return. I can already tell she's going to be an apocalyptic-level slut when she's older.
"N-Now just wait a minute, sir!" says Flim, waving his hooves.
"Yes, yes, let's hold our horses a moment!" adds Flam.
"Not be too hasty—"
"Not too rash!"
"Is there something wrong with my daughter?" I ask, taking a confident step closer to the twin thrones. "Is she not good enough for you? Think carefully now."
The brothers look to each other, each hoping the other has a way out of the trap I've laid for them, but no solution presents itself. Their desperation makes me grin.
Gotcha.
"Fear not, my dear boys," I say, adopting a magnanimous tone. "It's not as bad as all that. If you're not ready yet, the marriage can wait a few years. All you need do for now is agree to a betrothal! Arranged marriages may not be the norm in Equestria, but there is merit in them. I myself once married a jackal princess to end a siege!"
Of course, no sense mentioning that my ex-wife was to this day the most hideous creature I've ever laid eyes upon, that I flew out the window of our bedchamber rather than consummate the marriage, or that my platoon later that night slaughtered our hosts as they lay sleeping. My wedding day ended up living on infamy for both sides. To the jackals, it was one of the foulest betrayals and most horrific massacres in their nation's history, and still to this day their people call me Agony the Oathbreaker.
Meanwhile, the Sunheart Company remembers that dark day as the only time I've ever been known to turn down sex.
Flim and Flam stutter and share fearful looks. The rest of the orphans clustered around us watch with grim anticipation, waiting to see how their kings will get themselves out of this one.
I am quite curious to see what they'll do myself.
"We... We already have special someponies!" Flim calls out suddenly.
"Yes! Yes, both of us, already involved, I'm afraid!" Flam agrees, putting on a wide grin.
Redwood tilts her head.
"Then I'll marry your special someponies too," she says.
They fall silent again. I grin. If Redwood keeps being useful like this, I might even decide to keep her. I chuckle and ruffle her mane, drawing a small whine of protest from her.
"Nice of you to offer, girl, but I'm sensing the brothers might want to seek an... alternative arrangement?"
They graciously jump on the bone I've thrown them.
"Yes, yes, I'm sure there's no need for anything so... permanent as a betrothal," Flam says, still wearing a desperate smile.
"The East Side Orphanage would be glad to cease hostilities with the Sunheart Company!" Flim says with an enthusiastic nod. "As for the matter of the Dragonfall Mob..."
"...We would be willing to accept a simple statement of neutrality," Flam mumbles reluctantly.
"See, that's exactly the problem." I point a hoof at them. "I cannot, personally, guarantee neutrality. If, hypothetically, the Sunhearts were to have any kind of arrangement with the Dragonfall Mob, they will certainly expect favours of us that might be to your detriment, and we can hardly be playing both sides in a gang war. And as troublesome as you've been thus far, you would not be difficult to defeat if we were determined to crush you. I would rather go ahead with the siege than risk facing a reckoning from the Mob at this juncture."
"What have the Mob offered the Sunheart Company in exchange for your help?" Flam asks with a serious look.
I pause, wondering how much I should tell them.
"The Sunheart Company... recently experienced a change in leadership," I say carefully.
"Ah." Flim nods. "They unseated your previous captain for you."
Flam presses his hooves together and leans closer.
"And the new regime is dedicated to staying in Dragonfall and securing the mob's interests?"
That's the question, isn't it? Most of the company, Killjoy and myself included, want nothing more than to get the hell out of this city. But removing Blackheart came at the cost of indebting ourselves to the Mob. We would have to stay in order to honour that debt. I very much do not want to stay here, but I am equally reluctant to break faith with such a dangerous organisation.
"For now," I say. "Suffice to say, none of us are happy to be here, but withdrawing from Dragonfall would be... complicated."
The brothers sigh in unison.
"Then... I'm afraid there's nothing more to discuss," says Flam.
"There's no point ceasing hostilities now only to resume them later," Flim agrees.
"Look, it's not that bad. If you're not willing to agree to a betrothal with my daughter, perhaps you can at least accept her as a hostage?"
I feel a quick tug on my wing. "Dad, what's a hostage? It kinda sounds like 'sausage.' Or 'marriage.' Is it like being married?"
"In my experience they're about the same thing," I say, giving my wing a reflexive little flap. "Except you get to kill a hostage if they displease you."
Which is also the same, in my experience, come to think of it.
Redwood stiffens, growing pale. "They're gonna—?!"
I lean down and whisper to her. "Play along."
"A hostage?" Flim shouts, a dark look coming over him. "What do you take us for? We couldn't harm an innocent foal!"
"Precisely!" says Flam, stomping a hoof. "A hostage is no good to us! We'd have to be willing to follow through on threats!"
I blink, mouth agape. I can't believe I've been outmaneuvered on this of all points. Giving them a "hostage," when I'm the one in a position of strength, was supposed to be a generous concession to bring them around. But by admitting that they wouldn't be willing to harm hostages, something that would normally profoundly weaken their position in the negotiations, they've actually robbed me of my advantage.
I slap my forehead and sigh.
"Look," I say through gritted teeth. "I am trying to do you a favour here, okay? I don't want to kill you all. The Captain would be very upset with me if I killed a whole bunch of kids again."
Their eyes widen at the word "again."
"What, um..." Flam stammers.
"What were you thinking?" Flim finishes for him.
"Having my daughter as a hostage serves the same purpose that marrying her would," I explain slowly for them. "I can't guarantee that the Sunheart Company as a whole won't side with the Mob in your little gang war. But if you have my daughter here, at the very least, I personally can't be expected to lead my troops against you. Understand? You don't actually have to follow through on your bluff. Just say you will. Got it?"
The brothers give each other a lingering look, then turn back to me.
"You're proposing peace between the East Side Orphanage and your platoon specifically, not the Sunheart Company as a whole?" asks Flim.
"No. The Sunheart Company will cease hostilities as a whole, at least for the moment, and we'll expect the same of you. If the Dragonfall Mob forces our hoof, that might change at some later date. But if it does, you limit your response to those that actually come after you, which I will try to use one of the more expendable platoons for. If you see a Sunheart wearing a bloody teardrop, leave them alone. If it's one of Candy's lot, go nuts."
Flam raises an eyebrow. "This seems quite the duplicitous scheme on your part."
"Yes." Flim rubs his chin. "Protecting your own troops, while leaving the rest of your comrades out to dry."
The brothers look to each other, and nod.
"If it's candy, then it's dandy," says Flim
"If it's bloody, he's your buddy!" Flam agrees.
Together, they declare, "We agree!"
I breathe a sigh of relief.
Fifteen minutes later, I stand in the foyer of the orphanage beside a line of armed colts and fillies, who carefully watch as Candy's troops haul the orphans' collection of Sunheart corpses outside. This is one of the smaller provisions I worked out with Flim and Flam after we finally settled on the major terms. The Orphan Kings proved to be trying opponents, but I'm confident that I got the better end of this deal. I protected my own, and the rest of the company for now, and all without committing to action against the Mob. I even accomplished my secondary goal of foisting Redwood off on them.
She stands beside me now, sullenly watching Candy's troops load up the corpses. Her head droops, drawing an uneasy feeling from me.
"You're not going to cry again, are you?" I grumble.
Redwood looks up at me for a moment, shakes her head, and then returns her gaze to the floorboards.
I sigh.
"Can the rest of you give us a minute?"
One of the colts in charge briefly hesitates, before pointing a spear to the corridor behind us. Understanding, I take Redwood back in the direction of the throne room, but stop halfway down the corridor, where we should be out of earshot of anypony else.
"What's wrong now?" I ask.
"Nothin'," Redwood mumbles.
"Girl," I say sternly, causing her to flinch.
"It's just..." Redwood slumps, sitting on the dirty wood floor. "I miss my mommy, and my... well, I know he wasn't really my dad, but... I useta think he..."
"Gave a damn?"
She winces, and I see tears building again.
"Hey, hey! None of that!" Panicking, I awkwardly blurt, "Look, I'm sorry, okay?"
Redwood sniffles, but seems to calm and bring herself under control. I take a deep breath.
"...I'm sorry," I repeat. "Really. I know Cash is a shit mother, and it sounds like her husband wasn't much better. But sometimes, bad things happen. People call me heartless for saying it, but not everyone is born equal. That's just the truth. Now you can whine and cry about that all you like, but in the end, it's not going to help you. All you can do – all any of us can do – is make the best of a bad situation. It may not seem like it, but that's what I'm doing right now. I'm putting you here because this is genuinely the best thing I can do for you."
The girl looks up again with wide and misty eyes, trembling.
"Can't you take me with you? I'd rather be with you than... here."
"Why?" I say in as condescending a tone as I can manage. "What, about anything you've seen of me in the last few hours, makes you think I'd be any better suited to take care of you?"
"You said you were doing your best for me," Redwood mumbles.
I pause.
"And the best I can do for you is put you in more capable hooves." I sit down with her, despite the condition of the floor, and look her in the eyes. "You don't want me as a father, girl. Trust me on that. My life is violent, dangerous, and unpleasant. I've killed more foals than I've protected."
Redwood sighs, her downcast look returning.
"I know."
An awkward silence overcomes us. I try to think of something to say, but I don't know what.
"I can..." I struggle to force something out, something, anything, to make her stop looking like that. "I can always... come... visit you, I guess?"
She looks up suddenly, blinking. "Would you?"
"Yeee... Yes?" I say, with a wince. More firmly, I add, "Yes."
A small smile works its way onto her face. Redwood moves forward, and suddenly a pair of tiny hooves wrap around my foreleg. I stay stock still, not sure how to respond to this.
"Thank you," I hear her say.
I don't respond. My throat feels dry all of a sudden. I just sit there awkwardly, not sure what to do. At a guess, I place my free hoof atop her head and stroke her mane.
I'm not sure what it is, but for the first time in years... I don't regret banging Hard Cash.
I woke up this morning in a dung-filled cave. I got captured by bandits, usurped their leader, got captured by Sunhearts, talked my way out of captivity, marched back to Dragonfall in the rain, met a long lost daughter, lost an election, negotiated the end of a siege, and got rid of my new daughter, all by sundown.
It's been a long day.
The sun has long since set by the time Free Candy's troops withdraw from the orphanage. I think I well deserve a rest and a hot meal. Sadly, I still have problems to deal with, and they're not kind that are easy to ignore.
I fly low over the filthy streets of the Mining District, wary of the thunder roaring above me. If I ever meet Dragonfall's weather manager, I fully intend to punch his teeth out. But for now, I concern myself instead with the amorphous mass of green slime wobbling about in the distance.
The northwest section of Dragonfall's city wall, where my platoon's barracks used to be, is now completely gone. The now-enormous slime monster sits atop its rubble, jiggling and bobbling up and down in the rain like a giant mass of jelly. Its body is translucent; I can see the crumbled ruins of the barracks beneath it. Broken bricks and mortar float freely in its mass, along with the occasional spear or helmet and numerous skeletons, but the monster seems... passive, for now.
Sunhearts surround the creature on all sides that fall within the city's confines, forming a shield wall to cut it off from spreading further into the Mining District. I'm not sure what arms will do against this thing, but at least they're making an effort, I guess. Front and centre of course are the remains of my own forces, including Googlymoo's bandits, led by Breakspear, though I see a lot more survivors than I would've expected considering the scale of the destruction. Flanking them on the left are the supplementary forces from Dynamite and Bonepick, ordered by Killjoy, while Free Candy's forces mass to the right of my own.
I touch down gently behind my own troops, approaching Breakspear with a quiet wariness. Last time I was in the barracks, the creature seemed to react to my presence, so I don't want to set it off again now that it's calmed down.
"Lieutenant," he grunts.
"Sergeant." I feel I should say more, or at least pat him on the butt, considering all we've been through today. But I have a lot on my mind at the moment. "What's the situation?"
"It's... complicated."
I frown. "How? Is it attacking or isn't it? Is there a plan or not?"
"It's being... pacified." Breakspear points out towards the creature. "Take a look."
I fly out over my troops, ignoring their surprised looks at seeing me alive, and hover in the air where I can get a good vantage point again.
There are a bunch of robed figures kneeling near the monster, spaced out along its entire length, their hooves raised to the sky. Their robes are all dark green, making them blend into the slime; no wonder I missed them before. Meanwhile, over on the north side of the creature, near where Candy's troops are massed, a lone donkey in a suit stands under an umbrella, as an earth pony hauls an empty cart away. Free Candy and Dynamite also stand nearby, dangerously close to the monster.
I have no idea what any of them are doing, but I intend to find out. I swoop over and land near the lieutenants, careful to keep at least as far away from the slime monster as they're standing.
"What's going on here?" I ask.
"Hi, Agony!" says Dynamite with a cheerful grin.
"Hi, Dynamite. What's going on here?"
"Ah, the infamous Lieutenant Agony." The donkey in the suit gives me a pleasant smile. "A pleasure to make your acquaintance. My name is All Trades, though most just call me Jack. I'm the city treasurer, and I run the Fourth Bank of Dragonfall."
He holds out a hoof, which I shake hesitantly.
"'Fourth Bank of Dragonfall?' What happened to the first through third?"
Jack's smile remains firm. "We're in Dragonfall. Guess."
"Hrmm." I let go and drop my hoof. "So what are you doing here? What is all this?"
"Well..." Jack takes a deep breath and wipes his brow. "As it turns out, Dragonfall is home to some manner of... secret society of Smooze-worshippers."
I cock my head. "Come again?"
"A cult that worships the slime monster," says Free Candy, stepping forward. "They call it the Smooze."
"Okay..."
I don't bother questioning this, since Dragonfall already has too much weird shit for me to question as it is.
"And the leader of the cult approached me with a plan for pacifying the creature," says Jack.
He turns around and gestures to an approaching earth pony pulling another cart, this one piled high with gold and jewels of all kinds. My eyes widen as I stare at the fortune's worth of bits he's carrying. That must be more than I earn or loot in a year!
He pulls to a stop next to us, turns around, and then backs up the cart until it's right next to the creature they called the Smooze. Two of the green-robed cultists, a pegasus and a griffon, come over to assist him. I squeak in shock and horror as the three of them tip the cart over and empty the riches into the pile of slime, which shudders rapturously.
"As the cultists revealed to us, the Smooze eats gold and gems," Jack explains with a satisfied smile. "And if fed with its preferred sustenance rather than pony flesh, it becomes receptive to their song, and may be pacified. In time, they tell me, they may even be able to reduce it in size. Naturally, I was all too happy to assist, if it meant saving the city and all of our lives."
"But... But..." I splutter. "Cartloads! How much— How long have you been— Just how much of the city's wealth have you fed to this thing?!"
"Oh, most of it, by now," Jack says with a dismissive wave of his hoof. "Dragonfall will certainly fall on hard times after this, but at least we're all alive. That's what counts, right?"
I stare at this mad donkey in horrified disbelief, my mind reeling with the implications. If what I've seen of this city so far is what it's normally like, then I can't begin to imagine how bad it's going to be after going bankrupt.
By all the gods, what must it take for a Dragonfaller to consider it hard times?
"Can... Are you..." I desperately struggle to find the words. "Please... at least tell me the city still has enough in the treasury to pay us?"
"Ahhh..." Jack wavers, biting his lip. "Will the Sunheart Company accept payment in potatoes? The only gold we have left is Yakon Gold."
Shit. Shit, shit, shit.
"Another one coming!" a voice calls out behind me.
I turn around, expecting it to be the earth pony announcing the next cartload. Instead, it's one of the cultists, now kneeling next to an enormous green bubble boiling off the side of the creature, containing what looks like a pony skeleton. As I watch, the glob of Smooze breaks off from the main mass. It darkens in colour, tightens around the skeleton contained within it, and hardens in its new shape. In a matter of moments, a pony-shaped figure made of what looks like green sand lays on the ground.
I let out a girlish scream and jump behind Dynamite as the figure suddenly sits up, green sand crumbling off to reveal an old yellow pony underneath.
Sergeant Yellowbelly spits out more green sand and blinks.
"...What the devil?" he says, looking around rapidly. "Where am I?"
"Oh yes, I forgot to mention," Jack says with another broad smile. "As the cultists feed it more gold, the Smooze also spits out more of the ponies it's eaten. About a quarter of your platoon have already returned to life. We're hoping to resurrect the rest by tomorrow."
I'm beginning to feel faint.
WHAT NEXT?:
1. Let the cultists continue their ritual and resurrect the rest of the platoon.
2. Stop the ritual before Dragonfall is bankrupt and make sure everyone gets paid.
3. Attempt to convince Killjoy to rob the city treasury and withdraw from Dragonfall.