Or what I like to call: 'Extended Chronological Screwery'...
"This must be some town festival or something, right?" Flim asked, stood atop the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000.
Staring over the small town, the two beige brothers watched as Ponyville was washed in a mess of incoherent colours, surrounded by levitating disco balls and leading into the climax at the centre of town, where a tunnel of water shot into the sky. Ponies could be seen surfboarding up it, in defiance to petty gravity as they floated straight up.
"I don't know, brother, that blimp pig is beginning to scare me," Flam responded, the mile-high pig glaring at him with piercing red eyes. "We should skip this place."
"Flam, do you have any idea how far the next town along is?"
"Not very far, Flim."
"Exactly, but we're almost out of gas. We don't have a choice here, brother."
The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy let out a pained chugging sound, groaning as it hobbled down the road into Ponyville. Granted, it wasn't in ideal shape for a performance, it would still be enough to blow away whatever trace of competition there was. The cider-making and the actual acceleration were two different things, the former only dependant on magic and occasional maintenance.
The wheels had suddenly morphed into squares, now sliding gradually down a soap-covered path instead of actual driving.
"Um..." Flim said, confused at the impromptu change.
"Positives, think positives, brother! It's an upgrade!" The moustachioed stallion suggested.
"Call me old-fashioned then, but I prefer my wheels circular!" He said, a beam of green magic shooting from his horn to fix the squares.
Looking ahead, that torrent of water abruptly collapsed, leaving the surfers to fall into a giant safety-net trampoline.
A blue spark stabbed the sky, beginning a decent unbeknownst to the two brothers. Burning, the object steadily became an increasing threat, piercing the cotton clouds and leaving a trail of fire in the sky.
Serrating the floor, the object impaled the ground ahead of them with a hollow thud, lodging itself in the soapy dirt. It blocked the continuing path of their vehicle, the Cider Squeezy gently colliding with it at minimal speed. The brothers shared a shrug, focusing on the oddity.
It was a blue pod, engraved with a white marking, 'N7'. The metals composing it shifted and squeaked as it began to open, the front hatch slowly lowering. In anticipation, Flim and Flam hid behind their mobile couch.
Aside from pieces of navy blue armour, revealed was nothing but vacancy, the backing wall meeting their eyes and successfully killing the tension.
"I'm Commander Nightmare, and this is my favourite escape pod on the moon," A slightly distorted voice said from the confines of the pod. Nothing was there though, the pre-recorded message cut out and died as quickly as it began.
They expected something else, the two cons waiting silently for a bigger grandeur of a spectacle coming from such a high-maintenance endeavour.
"Well, that was anti-climactic..." Flam pointed out, now maneuvering the wooden mammoth around the misplaced tin can.
It continued on the now-watermelon swamped road, wary of any other disturbances to be had. Flim took notice of the many fruits they were wading through, leading all the way into town.
"I don't think this is your average town festival, Flam."
"What makes you say that, Flim?" Flam asked, turning to meet his brother's eye. Flam's once-great red moustache had moved up onto his forehead, now connecting his two eyebrows.
"... Just a... hunch, brother," Flim finished, taking off his hat and scratching his head before going back to watch the road.
The humming of the machine faded, leaving the vehicle at a standstill as it's aching gears coughed before shutting down.
"Oh, for goodness sake. Looks like we're hoofin' it, brother," Flam said, itching his mono-brow.
"Let's hurry then, I don't like the look of those sheep." To their left, there was a collection of sheep crowding together to form some kind of woolly, transforming robot.
Marching onwards, various ponies seemed to appear from nowhere, shuffling past them mindlessly in and out of town, like it was a zombie's version of rush-hour. The brothers tried to take little notice, moving further into the town, but the masses looked like they were gathering around them. Or, at least, Flam.
"Do these ponies seem a bit... off, to you, brother?" Flim asked as the crowds dispersed. Turning his head to see Flam, he was met with a robotic stare and a green blob attached to his brother's head, holding up his straw hat as it sucked the contents of his mind.
"I have no idea what you are talking about, brother, here, have a brain slug," Flam held out his hoof, offering another brain slug to his partner.
Flim's automatic response was to smack both the one out of his hand and off his head, leaving them squirming on the floor.
"Did you say something, brother?" Flam asked casually.
"N-... no, nothing, let's go..." Flim said, wiping some sweat from his two separate eyebrows. Maybe being around cider all the time was fermenting his brain.
He didn't know what, perhaps it was all the madness, but something was getting to him. The brittle walls of reality were crumbling around his peripheral vision as he saw a pride of dancing manticore wearing burlesque clothing. He didn't know what was revealing and what wasn't for a manticore, but surely they were currently attired inappropriately.
"Hey, brother, look! Daring Do book signings!" Flam pointed out, indicating towards a cheap wooden stand with a collection of dogs in line. The sign was painted in a sloppy red, 'Ahuitzotl Autographs'. "You like the books, don't you?"
"Y-yes but, he isn't real, brother. At least, he's not supposed to be."
Flam was already in line though, he wouldn't let a sudden cloud of shyness ruin his brother's parade. He would get his autograph. Flim reluctantly joined, if only to speed up this entire process. It was safe to say something was askew here.
Behind a horde of dogs, all varying in size and clothing, they waited, the pockets filled to the brim with gems. Eager to test the sharpness of his silver tongue, Flam went into his bargaining mode. Sure, they worked better as a team, but there was nothing stopping an individual investment.
"Say there, pally," Flam started, getting the dog in front of him to turn around by prodding his back with an elbow. "I've got a little proposition for you."
Diamond Dogs were not the most intelligent species, Flam knew. Then again, they were attending a book-signing, maybe literature and scavenging went hand-in-hand. Either way, the grey-coated dog was smart enough to clearly see something was wrong with Flam's head.
"What's wrong with your eyebrows?" He asked gruffly.
Raising a hoof to his forehead, Flam felt the unibrow, and after moving down, his lack of moustache. A brief look of horror adorned his face, but he recomposed his self hastily, going back to the salespony he was.
"We'll burn that bridge when we come to it, as I was saying, do you realise how fast the value of those gems right there depreciates?"
"Um... no," He responded, looking sadly at his collection.
"Not many do, which is why I'm willing to take them off your paws! With me, I can promise they'll be looked after, the value has nowhere to go but up with the Super Speedy Diamond Smasher 9000 over there!" He said, pointing to the cider-maker.
"Diamond smasher?" He asked, worried.
"Oh, don't worry, our machine over there has the power to liquidate, yes, liquidate even diamonds! Afterwards, it's simply a matter of re-shaping them and BAM! They're as good as when you pulled them from the ground!"
"I don't know..." He pouted, looking to his friends who seemed to be in support of the idea.
"Well, I'm not one to leave you high and dry, I'll throw in my two-of-a-kind hat, just for you, my friend!" Taking off his hat and offering it to him, the other dogs nodded their support, and the transaction was complete. Lifting out his pockets, Flam was rewarded with rubies, emeralds, amethysts and diamonds in exchange for a hat.
"Hey, you can't be doing business on my turf!" A voice called out from the front, and the line of dogs parted to make way for the monkey-like creature. A mix of cyan and navy in his coat, he had three extremities that grew digits. Two where his paws, or hooves, should be, and one on his tail, grasping a quill.
"Business?! How is this book-signing profitable?" Flam asked, his mane dishevelled from the battering of extraordinary events in the short time here he received.
"I'm charging ten bits each!" His foreign accent claimed in an evil happiness.
"Ten bits for an autograph of a fictional character? Even we aren't that big scoundrels! Come on, brother, we'll take our business elsewhere!" Flam exclaimed, dragging his brother along.
Detaching herself from the underside of the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy, Trixie fell to the cushioned watermelon floor. Yes, the nap may have impeded progress slightly, but the Great and Powerful Trixie would need to appear her best for her returning début to Ponyville. Beauty sleep was essential, even when right next to various exhaust pipes.
Granted, it wasn't near enough an appropriate entrance for a pony of her stature, but it would be unnecessary to put a strain on her hooves before a performance. All that was left was to equip her outfit, which she promptly did, and find a suitable area for a show. She didn't need a caravan, nor any props, she was Trixie, possessions came and went at her whim, they were unimportant.
Looking at the town that shunned her a while ago, she had to wipe the sleep from her eyes to validate reality. No matter, a few pig blimps here and upside-down volcanoes there wouldn't stop her from interrupting a silly celebration.
Going down the same route she saw her red-headed chauffeurs escape with, she had to think whether this spectacle was in honour of her arrival. Obviously not, they had no idea of her return, nor she assumed, would they want it, but that was fine, it was quite easy to shove magic down one's throat, there was no physical manifestation needed.
Out of the corner of her eye, she spotted a raised tower holding up a spotlight. Behind that was a curtain, but the rest faded out of view as she looked further down the path it was on. Some kind of stage, already set up? Perfect, Trixie was sure that the owner would yield to her honeyed words when asked.
"What do you mean, assertiveness seminar?!" Chrysalis yelled, her horn glowing green with fury.
"I mean, ASSERTIVENESS SEMINAR!" The minotaur yelled, nearly blowing Chrysalis off her feet were it not for the anger that kept her grounded. "You should feel lucky that Iron Will has chosen your minions for stage construction!" He wiped his hand over the mass of changelings that were busy creating support beams for the stage, setting up the smoke dispensers and other mundane tasks needed of the black horde.
"Minions! You will return to the hive, at once!" Chrysalis boomed, amplifying her voice magically.
The minions looked to each other awkwardly, mentally discussing it through looks of fear and worry. Half of them split off from the workers and tried to return to their queen, only to be stopped by Iron Will's mighty arm.
"Somepony disagrees, bring them to their knees!" Iron Will roared, backing up in preparation of a mighty gore with his horns.
Chrysalis squinted her eyes as he built up his distance, and, from somewhere, a red cape appeared in her dark hooves. Taking the stance of a matador, she held her breath in anticipation of the charge, holding the fabric to her side.
He rushed her, but was easily distracted by the tempting red material, Chrysalis easily dodging the first attack. The changelings watched amused, but not quite sure on who to root for.
A crash sounded, and the Flim Flam brothers were in the centre of the arena. They were sat, completely broken to the trials they had been through in the past three minutes, in the midst of a wooden wreckage that once might have looked like a boat.
They were bruised, messy, drenched in water, tired and in need of clothes, as the ones they were wearing were near completely ripped off their backs.
"I told you not to trust the king of the crab people, brother!" Flim complained.
"Tell me Flam, how was I supposed to know he was plotting to overthrow the Republic of Dave?!"
Every changeling, and minotaur's, attention was grabbed by the abrupt interruption, they were all looking at the two beached brothers as they sat in realization that they weren't in Kansas anymore.
"Game faces, Flim."
"Game faces, Flam."
Flim put on his hat, and Flam brought forth a cane, but, for the life of them, they couldn't think of any musical numbers. They stood dumbfounded, still mentally hurt from whatever was going on.
"The Great and Powerful Trixie has arrived!" The blue mare announced her presence, entering the construction site and attracting the attention of everyone. Another one for the loony bin. "Who must I inform that the Great and Powerful Trixie is taking control of the stage?"
"Ha ha ha ha," Chrysalis began, "Great and powerful, you?" She trotted up closer to the egotistical mare, the size difference showing well face-to-face. "You arrogant little foal, at half my power you would still be nothing but a whelp!"
"With those Swiss-cheese legs, Trixie wouldn't be surprised your power would cause you to crumble. Too much for your tattered body?" She smiled slyly, showing off her intact hooves.
"Disrespectful foal! What kind of mother would raise such-..." Chrysalis was cut off by Iron Will pushing between them both.
"Hey, hey now, there ain't no need to bring anyone's mom into this!" The minotaur said wisely.
Grumbling, Chrysalis accepted, trotting away from them in defeat. It was probably best to not annoy those muscles, which Trixie had taken an interest in. Iron Will took notice of her, admiring his physique. Batting her eyelashes at him, she circled the large powerhouse. Iron Will stared, chasing her tail with his head as he followed the mare.
"Iron Will has never seen a mare as sassy as yourself, such confidence. Assertiveness," Iron Will said, bringing them both to a standstill.
"Trixie has never seen someone who refers to themself in the third person. A creature of your caliber, it only seems fitting."
Flim, Flam and Chrysalis watched on awkwardly at the rapidly progressing romance. There was definitely something in the air, the randomness of these situations was bizarre. It was about to get weirder.
Scooping her up in an embrace, the minotaur's heavy arm easily lifted the mare to his face. Extended muzzles, their lips pressed together, joining the two kindred souls. Flam's moustache fell off in amazement.
The changelings started clapping their hooves together and onto the floor, creating an applause that echoed throughout Ponyville. Short of anything else to do, Flim and Flam joined, while Chrysalis still remained hurt from the cheese comment.
The applause seemed to summon something, the noises of joining hooves being drowned out by a raucous laughter. As the applause came to a halt, the laughter only increased, making everyone, apart from the two still kissing, look around in confusion.
The draconequues appeared, doubled over in laughter, but still floating in the air. It did nothing to stop the intense makeout session, but was enough to attract everyone else's attention.
"Oh my, oh my, this was completely unprecedented!" He wiped a tear from his eye that swept away a few changelings in a tidal wave. "I mean, I know chaos does funny things to a pony's heart but... WOW! I did not see this coming."
"What the hay is going on here?" Flim mumbled to his brother.
"Now you ask?!" Flam said.
"Well, gentlecolts," Discord began, appearing behind them and resting his arms on them. "Oh, wait, what kind of villain would I be if I gave away my plan?"
They didn't respond, shifting tensely underneath his scaly arms.
"Exactly, a cliché one! So here it is: chaos. Plain and disjointed. In your frazzled state of minds though, I'm sure you won't understand my side-plan, and I guess I'm quite eager to get it off my chest."
He disappeared, leaving the ponies wrapped in straight-jackets before reappearing. No matter what, Trixie and Iron Will were still going at it.
"I'm turning you insane," He smiled, break-dancing in mid-air. "Because, let's be honest, what's the point in ruling an empire dedicated to chaos and absurdness if your public aren't willing to embrace it for themselves?"
"Can you imagine how aggravating it would be trying to set up a trade agreement with the banana king only to have it pushed aside by the people demanding lower taxes on their eyes? They'll accept their five percent eye tax and they'll enjoy it!"
"So, while making sure those adorable elements don't get in the way, I've been abducting pockets of you, only to have them released back into the 'civilised' world, ready to spread the insanity when I'm supreme overlord. It's really quite genius if I do say so myself."
A green glow connected Chrysalis to Trixie and Iron Will, enveloping the two up in the air while she sat in complete ecstasy. Laughing, Chrysalis' aura intensified, sparks flying off in every corner as she began floating too.
"Somehow, I don't think that plan will come to fruition," She said, feeding on the love of the two still-intensely-kissing egotists.
Aiming at Discord, Chrysalis blasted a stream of... popsicles from her horn.
"What?!" She said, the glow fading in reaction to her failure.
"Chaotic love, dear. You have no power here." Bouncing off his body, Discord caught a paw-ful of popsicles before devouring them all in one. In response, his head turned into an ice cube. "Ah, don't you love brain-freeze?"
"Alright, who's coming with me? I've got a van full of candy and fillies waiting," He finished.