Dear Princess Machine Gun Celly,
Today I failed to learn that being “technically right” isn’t as important as not being a cunt.
The anonymous (ha) tip about the unicorn mafia in horse Detroit has proven correct. Their stash of gold has been located in an abandoned recycling plant.* This was accomplished by all of us working as a team, and by that I mean it was 10% Anon with his incomprehensibly large brain, and 90% black magic from Al Caponk. I sat on the sidelines the entire time making useless plans instead of helping, but I'm still going to take credit.
Our team, excluding everyone who wasn't Perky Poof, discovered as a group that a small section of one of the walls was made of a different material. It looked identical to the surrounding wall, being completely flush with no visible cracks, and it was distinctly unenchanted so it was invisible to magic detection spells. I made the small-brain assumption that it was designed so only a unicorn who knew it was there could open it. Anon shut me the fuck up by opening it with a plunger. No one knows why Pink Floyd had a plunger with her, but we're all jaded enough to not think too hard about it.
Anon spent the next few minutes rubbing it in my face about how wrong I was, which he had every right to do since it was undeniable how wrong I was. However, I couldn't sit there and take my comeuppance like a civilized individual. No, I had the uncontrollable urge to sperg out about my exact wording. I said it had been "designed" so that only a unicorn could open it, not that it couldn't ever be opened by a non-unicorn. If I had stopped there, we could have all gone home knowing I was simply wrong. Instead, I kept everyone awake on the train ride home so I could explain the same purple logic over and over again. Blue's Clues eventually snapped and told me I was the only one who cared, and everyone else agreed. I am now pretending to have learned not to let little things bother me, but we all know that just isn't true.
Your sorest loser,
Purplo Escobar* Even in the world of rainbows and magic, it's comforting to know that Detroit is still a shithole.
The lack of culture in this world is astonishing. None of Ponyland's gangsters are noteworthy. How can you have a normal society without famous criminals to look up to? And you guys don't even have The Dark Side of the Moon, which is a crime in and of itself. You probably think I'm talking about the actual Moon, don't you? That's so sad.
Earth: a lot | Ponyland: less than a lotLove, Anon