Minato sweat-dropped at the sight of the ryoma sitting in his living room while drinking a sake cup of some unknown liquid. "Any particular reason you're here, Kami-Sama, or did your shrine run out of sake?"
"Oh, like I'm some sort of Kami of alcohol," Discord quipped with a jovial snort. "So, how's my nephew doing?"
"He's well. A bit too smug that he and his uncle rescued a "literal princess" in his words, but I can't exactly blame him," Minato answered with an amused smile.
"Well, he'll be smugger when he starts rescuing them all on his own, I imagine," Discord retorted with a chuckle.
"You say that like you know something. Muchi-Dono, you holding out on some future-sight powers?" Kushina accused with narrow, accusing eyes.
"Don't worry your little red head, Tomato-Chan," Discord responded, enjoying her intensifying glare at the nickname. "I can't and have no desire to foresee the future and spoil all the good stuff for myself. But I know the stench of destiny anywhere. That boy will have an eventful life if nothing else. Good or bad is largely up to him and, well, those around him," Discord answered with a smile.
"That much was obvious."
Discord snorted, glancing over his shoulder at the third ningen. "Toad-Kun, how nice of you to show up. You only missed Naruto's birthday by two and a half months," he chided in disapproval.
"I was a bit busy. Running a spy network and being a great author can be a bit time consuming," Jirayia remarked neutrally as he came to sit on the chair opposite of the chimeric entity. "But you wouldn't understand such mortal issues, eh, Kami-Sama?" he asked with a smirk.
Discord frowned as the sage produced a bottle of sake and poured himself some, the married couple watching on warily. Ever since they first met, Discord found himself on the untrusting end of Jiraiya's scrutiny. The seal master neither liked nor trusted him, and Discord cared little for his disapproval. "Do I need to turn you into a frog again, Toad-Kun?" Discord warned as he gulped down his own drink.
"Oh, far be it from me to offend the great Kami of candy and bubbles," Jirayia retorted sarcastically.
"Oi, both of you!" Kushina interrupted. "Ero-Sennin, if I can call him Muchi-DONO after all the times he's called me Tomato-Chan, you can at least be polite!" she scolded to the white haired man, who almost looked to be pouting under his glare of his student's wife. "And you, Muchi-Dono! You are both guests in our house, so behave!"
Now Discord was full out pouting with his arms crossed. "He started it!" he whined, getting unimpressed looks. "No, seriously, I don't get what his problem is with me!"
"Really? Cause I distinctly recall you refusing to answer any questions about what you did with the Kyuubi or how you are certain it will stay contained," Jirayia retorted evenly.
"Noooo, I did answer you, I just told you it wasn't your concern anymore," Discord corrected, giving an exasperated look to Minato and Kushina. "I swear his mind is going with his old age."
"I'm thirty-nine you mismatched asshole!" Jirayia defended with a tick mark.
"Keep talking, I'll turn you into a tadpole the moment you're out the door," Discord challenged with growing annoyance.
"Enough!" Minato declared, and to his credit, both males quieted. "With all due respect to both of you, I didn't ask Jirayia-Sensei here for a pissing-contest in my home."
"Oh, he's cursing, Mina-kun is mad," Discord noted aloud. "Well, I will concede his presence must mean it's something serious."
"And I am actually glad you are here, Muchitsujo-Sama. The discussion relates to you, indirectly," Minato informed grimly.
Discord raised a brow at that, before looking to the spymaster. "Did you find something out about our masked ghosty?"
Jirayia turned serious as he swallowed his disagreements with the god before him. "No, but I'm happy to inform that the Uchiha issue is resolved."
"Oh, so the rumor that the fan-clan summoned the Furball is no longer an issue?" Discord inquired idly.
Minato nodded. "Thanks to some...rumor spreading of our own, and seeing as the Kyuubi never actually stopped in its rampage, the common misconception is no longer that someone from the clan controlled it to attack the village, but some of them tried and failed to stop it with their Sharingan," he informed with a smile.
Discord grinned. "I'd recommend hinting that Fugaku-kun was the one who tried it, if you have to point at anyone specific," he suggested mischievously.
"Brown nosing? That's not like you, Muchi-Dono?" Kushina asked, unconvinced as she leaned down to give him a suspicious stare. "What do you know?"
"Oh, nothing for sure, just a suspicion," Discord answered mysteriously.
"More evidence for why I don't trust you," Jiraiya remarked dryly.
"What can I say? I work in mysterious ways," Discord retorted proudly. "Still, all around good news for Konoha. A bloodline protected and a founding clan no longer suspected to be the masterminds behind one of the biggest disasters you lot ever had to deal with."
"This is true, Kami-Sama, and why Jiraiya-Sama was already on his way back when he heard about the Kumo situation," Minato explained as he took a deep breath. "And thanks to your help with the kidnapper, we were able to get a confession out of him."
"That should put the fear of Me into them, when Akinori-kun tells his Kage and old comrades what happened to him. That ability always freaks mortals out," Discord mused with a chuckle.
"Akinori is in a coma," Jiraiya informed bluntly, Discord's laugh dying off instantly. "He bit off his own tongue and tried to take his own life after your...Jutsu wore off. The medics managed to sedate and stabilize him."
Discord stared at the Sannin for a moment before reaching over to grab the sake and took a swing of it. "Well, I didn't expect that," Discord admitted, scratching his cheek with a distracted look.
"You turned a man inside out and made him betray everything he ever stood for. What did you reasonably expect to happen?" Jiraiya questioned with a scowl.
"I've done worse, and yet, that's the first time a mortal reacted that negatively," Discord answered as he sat the bottle down. "And what high horse are you trying to be on? They were literally torturing him for information before I stepped in, I don't see you getting on the case of the ANBU."
The white haired man just shook his head with a sigh. "You wouldn't get it, Kami-Sama. If there's nothing else, Minato, I need to go keep an ear out for whatever reaction Kumo will have to the situation."
Discord watched as the man vanished, turning to the clearly tired pair. "Okay, did I mess up some cultural taboo or does Toad-Kun just have a stick up his ass about me?" he inquired in confusion. It was strange, but Jiraiya's dislike for him more confused him than bothered him.
"My mentor can be a difficult man to read sometimes," Minato admitted with a sigh.
"I'm guessing Akinori-Kun's condition complicates things?" Discord asked with a scowl.
"Less than you might think, since we got a confession," Kushina assured with a small smile. "While hardly practiced anymore, he basically failed at improvised seppuku."
Discord would have shivered if he was mortal; ritualistic suicide to redeem one's honor. He had seen and heard of it before, but it was always a weird concept to a chaotic being like himself. "Well, you at least have one piece of leverage over Kumo now, Mina-Kun."
"I'm not sure how much, but the confession should at least keep them from threatening to go to war with us, Muchitsujo-Sama," Minato agreed with a nod.
"Hmm? No, not that," Discord waved off. "I meant that Kumo's Raikages are building a reputation for kidnapping underage girls."
The married pair blinked as they caught on. "Are you suggesting we paint Kumo as a bunch of pedophiles?" Kushina inquired, trying to fight off a smirk.
Discord gave them both curious looks. "Considering this attempt was on a three year old, are you absolutely sure they aren't?" he genuinely inquired. "Regardless if they ultimately are or aren't, it sure might look that way. More importantly, seeing as these ninja villages are essentially mercenary forces in a sense, how many of their customers will want to keep coming to a place that kidnaps children for their genetics?"
"That is devious and I am in full support, Muchi-Dono!" Kushina agreed with a grin, her husband giving her an unimpressed look. "Oh, don't give me that look. We don't have to actually spread that implication around, just threaten to do so if they keep threatening us with war."
Minato sighed as he gave Discord a disapproving look. "I'd like to say you're a bad influence on my wife, Muchitsujo-Sama, but I know for a fact she has always been like this," he stated, getting grins from both of them. "I'll consider using that tactic."
Discord stared at him inquisitively before a light bulb went off over his head. "Oh, I get it! I keep forgetting you were only Hokage for a couple of years before we met; you haven't had to run a smear campaign before, have you?"
"Muchitsujo-Sama, please do not make that sound like that is something remarkable," Minato requested with a deadpan.
Sometime Later, in Kumo
"WHAT!?"
"Konoha claims that Akinori was captured trying to kidnap the daughter of Haishi Hyuuga," Mabui repeated with a scowl as she looked at the message. "They even claim that he confessed to it being a secret mission from you, Raikage-Sama."
"Yes, I know THAT! My blood is raging enough from that, but they have the gall to try and threaten to expose us as so-called child rapists?!" A raged, seething at his already-destroyed desk.
"While obviously not true, combating that rumor will take a lot of time due to the ...circumstances supporting it, Sir," Mabui pointed out carefully.
"Damn that Akinori! I'll rip his tongue out myself when I see him!" A fumed for a long moment, causing him to notice Mabui's uneasy hesitation. "What is it, Mabui? Is Akinori dead?"
"No, no. But they said that after the confession, he tried to kill himself by biting off his own tongue, A-Sama," Mabui explained delicately.
A stared for a moment, scowling. "Akinori is not the kind of man to turn coward. I can believe Konoha having the ability to break a man's will, but if he was going to take his own life, it would have been before he told them anything," he commented, looking pensive. "Was there anything else?"
"Well, yes, but it's rather strange," Mabui answered, her voice dripping with uncertainty as she looked back at the scroll. "PS: While he is in our custody, Konoha did not capture your Head Ninja. PPS: Would you like a word with the one who did capture him?"
"It actually says that, word for word? Are they mocking? Of course I'd want a word with the bastard that did this!" A retorted loudly.
"Well, here I am."
On instinct, A was already turning to strike the intruder, his fist cackling with lighting chakra, only to make impact with nothing.
Yet, his target was right in front of him.
"Are you quite done?" Discord asked with a bored tone, as if he didn't notice that his midsection had opened to form a hole completely through his body, big enough for A's fist to fit through.
"A-Sama!" Mabui yelled, reaching for her kunai.
"Stand down, Mabui!" A ordered, glaring at the entity while sweating bullets. Reluctantly, the Kumo kunoichi obeyed. "Muchitsujo-Sama, the Kami of Chaos I take it?" A asked tensely, refusing to be the first to budge, his arm still passing through the divine creature.
"That would be correct, A, Son of A," Discord confirmed with his arms crossed. "You're probably wondering why I'm here."
"I assume it is to threaten us into submission on Konoha's behalf?" A asked, bold yet calm.
"Oh no. You can continue your little cold wars with any and all villages you desire," Discord assured with a smile that was too kind to be true. "But every now and then, I do like to get involved. And after I heard that your father tried this same shtick years ago with my good friend, Kushina Uzumaki? She still has a grudge over that, you know? You're lucky "I" took a shot at Akinori-kun before she could."
"Akinori?" A repeated, briefly surprised before his head pulsed with rage induced veins. "What did you do to him?"
"Nothing at all, I just talked to him," Discord answered with a chuckle. "It was a good time! You wouldn't believe the things he had to say about you, A-hole."
A's other fist rocketed to Discord's head. Or it would have if his first fist, upon exiting the magically created hole in Discord's body, hadn't dragged him down and slammed his body into the desk. The Raikage grit his teeth, feeling like his arm weighed a hundred thousand times more than it should.
"Raikage-Sama!" Mabui yelled as she reached for a kunai again, only to blink as she found her hand stuck in her kunai bag.
"Will you pipe down? The big boys are having a meeting." Discord said condescendingly as he looked at the struggling Kage. "Look, A-boy? I really don't care about mortal politics. You squabble over the most inane of things. No, I'm just here to give you a little warning. Try to kidnap another kid, ANY kid, for their bloodline like this again? Well, that'll be strike three. And do you know what I'll do when you strike out?" Discord asked calmly, almost politely.
A glared up at the god, humiliation fueling his rage as he refuse to answer.
Discord continued on, producing a single silver coin between his talons before showing both sides to the Raikage: the head of a cat and the head of an ox. "I will toss this coin, and whichever it lands on will be the beast your village loses. Not to Konoha, but to me." He grinned as he saw the wide eyes of the Raikage, as if seeing right through him. "Ahh, I see the gears are finally turning. I already know what you're thinking. No, you won't be able to pick. So next time you think about trying this, know that you will be gambling your brother on it."
A's rage simmered down into a scowl. "I understand, Kami-Sama," he answered through tightly grit teeth. Instantly, all the weight in his arm was gone, allowing him to rise. Mabui managed to pull her hand free before finding that all her kunai had turned to bubblegum- which made her pale a bit at the implication, having heard the stories of the Kyuubi being stopped with just that. "What was that about NOT intimidating us into submission?" A asked, rolling his shoulder.
"You're very brash. I like that," Discord complimented with a smile that just might have been genuine. "And I'm not. You could declare war on Konoha tomorrow and you won't see me until you're in the village. I'd take issue no matter which village did this to who, even Konoha. But seriously, why do you need to steal bloodlines? I thought you of all villages would be collecting clans and ninja running from the civil war in the bloody bog?" Discord inquired with legitimate curiosity.
A stared for a moment, realizing this god was genuinely asking about his village's problems. "The Mizukage that started the war was a Jinchuriki, of the Sanbi. He made it rather difficult to undertake already complicated missions like that into a ninja civil war, let alone one into Kiri," A explained begrudgingly.
"Right, mortals here largely can't fly. Getting to a large island is already problem enough without it being a place with a reputation for being hidden in mists," Discord conceded, scratching his chin thoughtfully.
"You come into my office, threaten and humiliate me, and now you're acting like you're going to help us?" A asked with growing annoyance. "What kind of trick is this?"
"None. And if I really want to humiliate you, this would have been a lot more public," Discord informed bluntly. "Now, do you want some divine advice or not?"
"I obviously couldn't stop you from speaking if I wanted, so is there a reason for me to even answer?" A asked indignantly.
"Rude, but true," Discord admitted before giving A a knowing smile. "All I want to point out is this: That little turtle zoo of yours seems to be going to waste as nothing more than a training ground," Discord stated as A's eyes went wide.
"Konoha knows about that?" he asked in disbelief.
"No, just me," Discord informed with a chuckle. "But come on, A-boy! Summoning giant creatures are a thing in this world of yours, and yet you seem to under using a very large stock of them.'
A stared at Discord for a moment, pondering not only the meaning of the words, but the very idea of trusting any advice this god living in Konoha would dare give him.
"Well, I think that's the end of this little session. I'll see you soon, Raikage-Kun," Discord said ominously before giggling. "But only because even a hundred years is a short time for me. Toodles!"
A blinked as the ryoma before him dissolved in a colorful mess of gummy bears of all things.
"Raikage-Sama, are you alright?" Mabui asked in concern.
"A force I likely cannot attack head on just threatened my brother. Of course I'm not alright!" A answered with a growl as he glared out the window. "What are Konoha's demands, Mabui?"
"Sir?" Mabui inquired uncertainly.
"This isn't the time to test if this Muchitsujo is bluffing about not interfering with Konoha's fight. For now, we'll hold up this treaty and, grrr, compensate them for this infraction, if needed," A relented bitterly.
"And his advice?" Mabui asked in worry.
A snorted. "As if I would be so foolish as to listen to that serpent!"
Meanwhile
"I'm sorry, where were we? Whose move was it?" Discord asked as he reappeared in a high class hotel room, complete with a great view of Konoha.
"I believe it was your turn, Muchitsujo-Sama," the old man opposite him answered calmly, as if the draconequus never left, before motioning to the shogi board.
"Ahh, splendid!" Discord said as he took a seat and continued playing.
"How did the meeting with the Raikage go?" the old man asked calmly as he mulled over his next move for a moment before seizing another of Discord's pieces, a promoted pawn.
"Oh, pretty well. I don't think anyone will have to worry about Kumo trying to steal their children. Ransom and other hired jobs not withstanding," Discord answered as he moved his ryoma piece around the enemy lines.
His playing partner narrowed his eye as he spied multiple paths to victory and defeat. "Such is the way of things. But I doubt one of your might had only that to say to the Shadow over the Cloud Village."
Discord chucked, even as his favored piece was becoming boxed in. "Oh, nothing much," he said innocently before laughing. "Oh, I barely kept a straight face. No, I just made sure he'll either rush in and screw up one of his greatest untapped resources or, knowing his pride, make him unable to ever make use of it knowing that I suggested it first," Discord mused as his opponent sprung a trap. "We'll know pretty soon. It'll be hard for Kumo to hide it if they start training giant beasts."
"Check next turn," the man stated, nodding to the board.
"Really?" Discord asked as he moved his pawn forward. "Checkmate."
The human blinked. He had been so busy focusing on the Ryoma piece, that he failed to take note of this simple pawn. If he took it, his king would still be in check. If he moved away, the ryoma or another promoted piece would be lined up to take it. "Well played, Ryoma-Sama."
"Well played as well, Danzo-Kun," Discord said, shaking his hand. "I'm glad to see that retirement has treated you well."
"I felt there was little need or ability for me to continue as I had. After all, you moved Every Single Root Agent I had when you introduced yourself to the world," Danzo reminded with a hint of annoyance. "After that, it was obvious that between the likes of you, Minato Namikaze, the Sannin? Konoha's bright future would only be hampered by my more involved interference. My agents and I now simply serve as the watchdogs for the major threats to the village, alongside the Toad Sannin."
"Hm, you handled your people not needing you far better than someone I know did," Discord mused, almost in praise.