“Uh, are you sure about this, Teach?” Anon asks worriedly, looking through the door of the schoolhouse. He saw a bunch of the colts and fillies inside stare back at him with burning curiosity and anticipation. Ms. Cheerilee giggles into a hoof.
“It’s quite alright, Anonymous.” She assured the man. “They won’t bite, I promise. I just thought, what with your sudden appearance and the construction of the School of Friendship, introducing my students to new species and creatures is a growing necessity to ensure that Ponyville is as welcoming to all!” She beamed brightly, slowly melting away Anon’s hesitation.
Although this wasn’t on Anon’s list of Celestia’s tasks for him, this could be seen as extra credit, whatever that nets him. Besides, the CMC seemed pleased to see him and that’s worth something. He stepped inside, awkwardly waving at the classroom with a false smile. The class erupted in noisy gossip, much to Anon’s dismay. He was still somewhat of a walking anomaly.
“Attention, everypony.” Cheerilee cleared her throat, the class slowly quieting down. “Since you all have well-behaved and took to the lesson well, I’ve decided to end class early and bring a special visitor to interact with you all. Please, treat Anonymous with the same respect and kindness you show me.”
“Isn’t he the creature from the Everfree that set Ponyville on fire?” A filly asked amongst the class. Anon’s head swiveled up, caught off guard by the question. He looked up to see a bored pink filly with a diamond tiara on her head. It was strange, seeing a strangely bougie pony sitting amongst common ponies. Anon figured there was a story about that.
“Diamond Tiara!” Cheerilee warned. Anon silently chuckled at the filly's name, hiding his grin behind a hand.
“What did I do?” Diamond whined. “It’s a fair question to ask. Our house was nearly burned down by him.” Anon stopped chuckling after hearing that. For some reason, he hadn’t actually thought about the collateral damage of the invasion and how that would affect anyone, children least of all. Since then, the ponies kind of just went about their day, so he assumed it was sort of normal. He prepped to speak up, until Applebloom shot up to speak.
“He saved Ponyville, Tiara!” Applebloom argued.
“Yeah!” Agreed Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo.
“Plus,” Scootaloo added. “The fireworks idea was pretty awesome.”
Once again, the class erupted into noise and Cheerilee was calling for order. Anon, thoroughly regretting coming here for a number of reasons, slouched against the door and slowly slinked out until he was just outside the schoolhouse. Anon took out his phone, checking it’s battery life.
“It’s amazing how useless this is without the Internet.” Anon remarked. Other than music, all that worked on the phone was the camera, flashlight, calculator, and anything that was downloaded prior to getting stranded in an alien world. He briefly contemplated going to that alternate dimension that was behind the portal, only to remember that he can’t pass through it. “Damn, can’t have shit in Equestria.” He said aloud.
“What’s a shit?” Said a familiar squeaky voice. Anon jumped, having failed to notice the students exiting the door next to him. He really had to stop zoning out in public.
“Nothing you should repeat.” Anon pocketed his phone, remembering he was supposed to be engaging with the students. “But, if you must know, it’s a human word for crap.”
“What’s a crap?” Said a dopey looking colt, with a snail for an ass tattoo.
“Poop. It’s poop.” Anon shook his head, mainly at himself. “Look, let’s not start off with me teaching you bad words, okay?”
“But why would you want poop in the first place?” Another colt asked, this one small and pudgy, with scissors as his cutie mark. “Is that something other alien’s do? Take other ponies poop?”
“No, no, no!” Anon waved his hands, as if to swat away the notion. “It’s a form of expression. When I say ‘shit’, I don’t mean poop. That’s just one of its meanings. I’m referring to things in general. Like, stuff.”
“What other alien expressions do you have?” Asked another colt. Anon sighed to himself.
“Well, we have a lot, but they’re adult words meant for human adults and not little ponies.” There was a range of “Aw”s in the small crowd of children. Anon should’ve figured, every kid wants to be grown up. “Imma keep it real with you all: I am NOT the best representative of my species. Hell, I sometimes don’t even feel like I’m really a part of them sometimes.” A filly raised a hoof. “Yes?”
“What’s a Hell?” She asked, to which Anon answered with a facepalm. Note to self: Never have kids.
Nothing of note, really happened that day. Sure, Anonymous taught them a little about the human education system but since his audience were children who wouldn’t be able to grasp the nuance discussion of standardized testing, along with the limits they impose on students, teacher shortages and how that hurts the educational system of an entire nation, he couldn’t really say anything worth saying. ‘Human school was like pony school, but with humans’ is what his lecture boiled down to. In fact, most of the talking was from the CMC, bragging about how they went on an adventure with him and how well they knew him, despite really knowing. It was typical kid stuff, attempting to impress your peers with anything you can.
Soon, Anon was merely among the fillies and colts, like a chaperone on a field trip. It was kinda what he wanted. At least he was no longer something to stare at and was now something that could be ignored. Guess in a land of mythical creatures, it takes more than being biped and oddly proportioned to hold a child’s attention. Anon stood up and, rather than saying his goodbyes, justified it to himself to just slowly leave the children to spend the day as they saw fit. He tucked his hands in his pocket and sighed.
“Well, that was a bust.” Anonymous spoke softly to himself, turning on his heels and preparing to leave the schoolhouse. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed that pink filly from earlier, swinging alone on the swing set. He was reminded of her outburst and grimaced. He felt that he owed an apology at least. He walked over to the pony, while also attempting to hide the fact that he was heading in her direction. As one would have guessed, it didn’t work as Diamond Tiara saw Anon approach. She glared before looking away, swinging harder on the swing set. Anon dropped the act and rested against the bars. They both shared in the silence, periodically interrupted by the squeaking of the chains.
“What do you want?” Diamond finally asked, hoping that the human’s answer was brief.
“Oh, you know,” Anon scratched at his neck. “Figured I’d give the swing set a go, but uh…” He lightly pushed one of the swings with his foot. “...it’s a little too small.”
“Maybe you should go find another swing set.” Diamond Tiara didn’t so much as open her eyes to address Anonymous, holding her head high as she swung back and forth. Anon rubbed his temples as he let out another sigh. Why do I suck at this shit, man?
“Aight, look.” Anon hoped speaking more casually would help this end quicker. “I’m sorry about whatever happened, okay? I thought I was being all badass and shit, and I took it too far. It didn’t mean to put you and your family at risk. They aren’t hurt, are they?” Anonymous was almost scared to ask that question. He wasn’t comfortable with the idea that he was actively putting ponies in harm's way by playing hero, but if he was going to make amends, it was best to ask.
Diamond dragged her hooves on the ground, slowing her momentum to the point where she was only swinging lightly. She looked away, a frown plastered on her face. Anon got the feeling that a lot more was going on, but Diamond kept looking away from him. After a pause, she sighed, joining the melancholic mood of the day.
“No.” She finally answered. “But don’t think that doesn’t mean you didn’t mess everything up!” She snapped at Anon, causing him to flinch. Suspicion confirmed.
“What exactly did I mess up?” Anon braced himself for another snap. It was if he had unwittingly walked into the middle of a minefield and now had to find his way back.
“Why should I tell you?” She turned her nose up at him again, continuing to refuse eye contact. Anon was getting slightly annoyed at this constant avoidance.
“I can’t exactly learn my lesson and not fuck up in the future if I don’t know what I did wrong.” Anon crossed his arms, asserting himself a little more. “Surely you were taught this? To open up about what’s on your mind so that trouble can be avoided in the future? You ponies are all about conflict resolution, right? Then let’s resolve the conflict!”
Diamond Tiara’s head fell again, now dangling limply towards the floor. Anon slowly facepalmed himself once more. Nice job. Now you made her feel worse. You should be a school counselor. Anonymous joined Diamond Tiara on the swing set, trying his best to ignore the creaking of the chains and bar as he sat. It was a tight fit, but the swing set held. He looked at the filly, so small and vulnerable, and couldn’t help but feel a deep pit of pity well in his gut. It was like a sad puppy, but only the sad puppy was also a sad child, doubling the amount of both sad and cute. It was a horrible feeling.
“You’re name’s Diamond Tiara, right?” Anon recalled from earlier. The filly didn’t answer, so he continued. “Look, I’m not the best at talking to people. Or, ponies. Least of young fillies like yourself.” Anon took a deep breath, trying to collect his thoughts. “I’m just...trying to be better, you know? Be a better talker and be a better listener. You don’t have to tell me. Hell, you probably shouldn’t because I’m a stranger and you don’t know me. But, I come from a complicated world and that world taught me that sometimes you gotta just air out your grievances.” This made the filly finally turn to look at Anon out of the corner of her eye. Anon gave a disarming smile, which only came off as nervous and unsure. Diamond looked ahead, towards the direction of Ponyville.
“Uh, well,” Diamond Tiara started, just as nervous as Anonymous. “After the invasion, mother wanted to move out of Ponyville. She said it was “too chaotic” and “not worth the trouble”. But, daddy wanted to stay because this was always his home. It’s been...quiet at home.” For as little as she said, Anonymous got the idea really quick. He nodded.
“I take it you don’t want to move?” Anon asked.
“Of course not!” Diamond Tiara protested. “I’ve just started actually making friends here. Sure, I haven’t been the nicest pony around, but I finally feel like I belong. Now, she wants to move away! She always wanted to move away! It’s not fair!” Diamond Tiara kicked at the dirt, with a grunt.
“And so, when the invasion started and I caused a little chaos, that only strengthened her argument?” Anon added, fitting together the puzzle pieces.
“Yeah…” Diamond Tiara sighed, no longer entirely sure. “Maybe...maybe it’s not your fault, per say.”
“Honey, if you need anyone to assign blame onto, I’m your man.” Diamond Tiara looked at Anon curiously. “What I mean to say is that I’m willing to take responsibility for whatever drove your mom to her decision.” Diamond huffed.
“You don’t have to do that. Mother is always looking for a reason to move out and go to Canterlot. She never-“
“Shuts up about it?” Anon finished. “Any minor inconvenience is a reason to bring up the same request, no matter how much your dad and you want to stay?”
“Well, yeah.” Diamond looks up at Anon. “How did you know?”
“Call it human intuition.” Anon replied, looking back at her with a grin. “Like I said, I come from a complicated world. Problems like these are a dime a dozen.”
“She always thinks she’s better than everypony.” Diamond Tiara continued. “She’ll always bring up how we’re supposed to be “winners” if we’re going to maintain our reputation. Even though all she does is go to the spa and complain whenever daddy doesn’t buy her what she wants.”
“Sounds like a bitch.” Anon stated flatly.
“What’s a bitch?” Diamond asked. Anon somberly shook his head, cursing his potty mouth.
“A bitch is a lot of things.” Anon answered, giving up completely. “In this case, a bitch is an unpleasant person that you don’t want to be around.”
“Yeah, she is a bitch.” She looked away, smiling to herself. The word felt good to say, cathartic even.
“Hey, don’t go around repeating that!” Anon pointed at the filly accusingly. “That’s a real quick way to get us both in trouble. Lord knows I don’t need that.”
“Then why do you keep saying words like that?”
“I said I’m trying to be a better person. I ain’t one yet, so I’m bound to keep slipping up.”
“I know what that’s like.” Diamond kicked off lightly, swinging a little more. “I still don’t know what to do about mother. She might actually convince daddy that we should leave.” Anon pondered this. He knew it wasn’t his place to go giving advice, but he didn’t want to leave her like this.
“Well, you got a good relationship with your dad, don’t you?”
“Yeah?” She looked back curiously.
“Then talk with him. Sounds like you’re both on the same page and you both want to stay. Can’t let a bit-, uh, an unpleasant woman, dictate where you can and cannot live just cause what she wants. A family is a unit. All parts gotta be in agreement.”
“You sound like Applebloom.” Diamond Tiara remarked.
“Then she knows what’s up.” Anon gave the swing a try. “I mean, like, I wish my family was half as close as-“ The chain had finally had enough of Anon’s shit and snapped from the bar during the upward swinging. Anon landed squarely on his ass, causing him to shout in pain. Diamond Tiara gasped, hopping off her swing to stand by Anon.
“Are you okay?” She asked, moving a hoof to help him up. Anon brushed it away as he sat up.
“I’m fine, I’m fine. Wasn’t like I was launched high in the air or something.” He crossed his leg and rested his body weight on his arms. “Point is, just like how you can confide in a total stranger, you can confide in daddy dearest. Hell, I’m sure he’s better suited that I am, that’s for damn sure.”
“Not by much.” Diamond Tiara admitted, sitting right next to Anon. “I guess...thanks. For listening to me.” She looked away bashfully. Anon smiled, reminded about how cute these ponies can be. He couldn’t help but give her just a tiny ear scratch. Diamond Tiara ears twitched for a second, before she was taken away into bliss like all the ponies before her.
“No sweat, kid.” Anon accidentally knocked a finger against the tiara on her head. “Say, what’s with the tiara, anyway? Why’s it both your name, your cutie mark, and something you wear?”
“What do you mean?” She asked, still leaning into the ear scratching. “It’s nothing unusual. I have a friend named Silver Spoon with a silver spoon for a cutie mark.”
“So, wait? What came first?” Anon had stopped scratching in order to get a real answer from the filly. Diamond Tiara noticed the absence and reached her hooves to grab his hand and bring it back to her head.
“I don’t know, okay?” She said, exasperated. “Just keep doing that scratching thing. I think I’m starting to enjoy it.” Anon rolled his eyes and sighed. Yet, he continued to indulge in the filly.
This is some pedo shit, isn’t it? Anon silently thought to himself. Goddamnit.